New to this benzo mess

Hi Missy and Summer,

 

I did have a good visit with my friend (not the one who is probably leaving the state), and a fairly pleasant evening.  I actually slept pretty well last night, found some kind of peace and comfort in my dreams, woke up with no morning anxiety, which is great.  Seem to be having a bit of a window this morning, though I think deep down I'm still upset about my friend who might be leaving. 

 

I'm upset about all my bad choices because they seem to have had a lasting effect on my mind--I did drugs when I was younger, got semi-involved with a cult, hung out with the wrong people, which all helped to really mess up my mind, my concept of self, of reality.  I had some very frightening experiences, plus more than one nervous breakdown.  This benzo withdrawal seems to help bring those bad memories up as well as make my mind weird on it's own.  But I guess on the bright side, maybe it's also helping me face and work through stuff.  See, the friend that is leaving is somebody who knows my mind very well, knows what I went through, and is the only person that seems to be able to straighten things out for me when I'm really confused/stuck in the past or programmatic thinking.

 

I don't talk about this stuff with most people.  Anyway, the depression from yesterday made me feel like I was so damaged from everything in the past that I couldn't live a normal and happy life, that my mind would always be messed up, that getting dependent on benzos was just my latest mistake.  I feel had tried so hard to work on everything--get over my agoraphobia, quit smoking, get a college degree, learn to drive, eventually go back to work and make money so I didn't have to stay on SSI, etc.  I just feel like I am back at square zero again, with agoraphobia again, a confused mind (this benzo stuff definitely doesn't help that), and now, my closest support person is probably leaving much sooner than I had thought.  And I'm sure I have more withdrawal ick to look forward to.  I feel like all the positive steps I took in my life don't amount to very much right now, now that I'm in the benzo mess.

 

Anyway, I am happy for my window here, though--I am enjoying a moment and feeling of peace this morning, which I hope I'll experience more of.  I'm trying to hold on to some sense of trust or faith that this will all work out ok.  Maybe people's prayers, good thoughts and wishes are working--I'd like to believe that, anyway.  Thanks for being so supportive. 

You have and still are working very hard to get your life back on track.  I am patting you on the back for all that you have accomplished.  Don't let the benzos do psychological damage to you right now.....it tends to bring your mind to places you would rather forget.  Best wishes for the rest of the journey.

 

Patty  xo 

So glad you are having a window!

HI Want2BFree - Glad you are having a break - keep up this positive thoughts.....

Love from Hoping

Just want to report that I have had a couple of relatively "normal" days--not really full windows, but not too bad.  Actually drove to put gas in my car for the first time since July (I found a back route that was quiet, 1 stoplight, but still).  Morning anxiety is less, don't feel quite as ick.  I still don't feel like getting up and getting out of bed, but it wasn't as horrible. Have been able to get out a little more. 

 

I guess I am getting used to my new dosage.  Seems to happen around the 8th day of taper or so.  I think today is day 9.  I'm almost reluctant to cut any more since I hate feeling the yuck, but I'm going to have to do it, probably later this week.  I want the heck off this stuff.  But I'm glad I'm feeling a bit more stable lately.  My "normal" is feeling more normal than when I felt better after my last taper. 

Hello Want2befree,

 

Hey, I see your body is getting use to the new lower dose. I have that experience too. I find that as I hold my body gets use to the new lower dose and I have a few lower wd sx days. I have found that those lower wd sx days to be enough of a break to be ready to take on all that is involved with a cut.

 

You are doing great. This benzo wd situation is a great teacher. I keep learning so much about myself. I have found that it is okay to make mistakes in life that is how I learn. Yeah, I would have liked to not have needed to learn this lesson yet, here I am. I have found that when I am having some really intense wd sx's it is really challenging to see the good in what I am learning. Then when the sx's start to lessen, I have more balance in how I experience this.

 

I am happy to see you are able to get out some and also get some nice nights of sleep.

 

Summer

Well, I cut another 1/4 pill out of my middle dose, so I'm at 1.125.  I'm taking Klonopin 3x per day, 0.5 in morning, .125 in afternoon, 0.5 at night.  I'm on day 7 (actually, day 8, because I completely forgot to take my middle dose the day before I started the cut).  This cut has been a lot smoother than the last two, which were pretty awful.  Then again, my friend is coming back to town tomorrow, so I have something positive I've been looking forward to.  

 

But I've also seemed to have less symptoms this time--the nausea and vomiting has decreased, as well as the ravenous hunger.  I feel anxiety/worry at different times, and I don't particularly want to get out of bed, but I haven't been waking up with morning anxiety and that weird internal vibrating feeling is gone.  I've still had depression and some crying spells, but not as bad as it was.  My dreams and sleep are pretty good.  I still have some light sensitivity.  My body doesn't seem to miss that .125 that badly, but I wonder if the next cut is going to be as easy--the evening I forgot to take my entire regular middle dose before I started this cut was really uncomfortable.

 

I'm wondering if I should gradually push my current middle dose (now just .125) closer and closer to my nighttime dose before I cut it out, so I can get used to not taking a middle dose.   Or would that be more likely to cause me to have insomnia when I do cut it?  Opinions are welcome.

 

Anyway, I'm mostly posting this to let people know that I had a cut that wasn't too rough, so maybe others might feel a little hope that it's not all so rotten all the time.  

Hello Want2befree,

 

Nice to see you again. Hey, I have had cuts where the wd sx's were not that bad either. I had one cut where I went from 2 times per day to 1 and that was the smoothest cut ever. I even had times where I felt good. That was a nice experience. Hey, regarding you taper and cutting out your .125mg tablet in the afternoon. This is your journey and we learn a great deal as we taper. So, when I cut my after noon dose out I just reduced that dose until it was gone. I have kept the evening dose. I am at .5625mg and take that at 8pm. My plan all along was to end my taper with an evening dose to help reduce the chance for insomnia. Regarding when to cut, I have found that with Klonopin it is important for me to hold no shorter than 2 weeks.

 

I am happy to see you are feeling okay during this cut. That is great news. I am also happy to see your friend is returning to town. How nice is that?

 

Summer

Hey all,

 

Still on the same cut, at 1.125 mg a day.  Was planning on cutting more this week, after I got some important stuff done.  Overdid it today, so feeling weird tonight. 

 

Saw my psych doc, who told me I was doing the right thing by tapering off the Klonopin really slowly.  She wrote me a prescription with three refills on it to make sure I had enough.  I told her about how some people titrate, and she found that really interesting.  I told her I might do that as soon as I get down to 1 mg.  She was really understanding about my withdrawal symptoms.  I'm lucky to have such a great psychaitrist, even though her idea about me taking Ativan regularly for a short period to get over agoraphobia turned out to be really bad advice.  I told her that I didn't blame her, that I just want to go on from where I'm at now and get off this stuff.  She understood.

 

Did a few other errands, went to grocery store later with friend (actually drove there, and it wasn't too bad), got in the store, and it was way too bright--my light sensitivity flared up all of a sudden.  Saw a lady standing near the produce area, and I had trouble telling whether she was real or not--part of me was convinced she was a statue.  Got kind of icky-panicky, put on my sunglasses, had to deal with loud TV's in the electronics area, which made it worse.  Went home shortly after (friend drove back), having weird thoughts tonight.  I truly hate DP/DR type symptoms--they really bug me.  Weirded out by ordinary things that just seem bizarre, even though they shouldn't be.  I was reading this thing that my landlord put on my door about condensation on windows and sun evaporating water, and I somehow found the whole concept of there being a sun really strange. This stuff really screws your brain around.  This is so not fun--I do not like these "whoa dude, whatta triiiiip" type thoughts. 

 

I'm reassuring myself that it is just the benzos/WD doing this, because I was having physical symptoms like light sensitivity, too.  I'm getting over a cold, as well--I felt better when I was sicker with the cold, because I didn't care as much, I guess.  Just too much stress today, not quite enough sleep, probably didn't eat often enough.  I haven't felt normal since I've been on the stuff, though I've had a few windowy periods.  I just wish it would stop.  I've had enough of this weird brain bender already.  At least I'm sleeping (if I get to bed early enough, which I really need to).  I guess I'll postpone my next cut for a few more days, I think. 

I'm reassuring myself that it is just the benzos/WD doing this, because I was having physical symptoms like light sensitivity, too.   

 

Yup - it's the benzos.  I remember a couple of times I was feeling okay and would go grocery shopping.  I'd be standing in the cereal isle staring at the huge assortment when WHAM! It was like an invisible wave washed over me and all of a sudden I was in crazy dp/dr and other s/x. Once, I even left the store with my basket full because I thought I was losing it.

 

I am very happy that you have a great doctor. That makes a world of difference!

Well, my last cut to 1.0625 was pretty sweet--I barely felt it.  I think that was a bit over a 5% reduction.  I stayed on that dose about 13 days.  Now I'm at 1 mg as of Nov. 4--no more pill fragments--yay!   I got rid of the middle of the day eighth of a pill completely so now I'm at 2X a day instead of 3X.  I seem to be doing ok on this current cut, too.  It's the 5th day, and I'm not feeling too bad.  I seem to be ok if I keep the cuts really small.  I am probably going to start water titration after I've been on this dose for a couple of weeks, since I have whole pills to work with and got rid of that fragment.  I've got the supplies together for it now.  

 

Yesterday I actually drove to the grocery store by myself for the first time in months.  I had a panic attack at one stoplight, but calmed myself enough to continue on.  My heart was going thunka thunka thunka in the parking lot, but I made myself go into the store despite being all dizzy from the PA.  I was too antsy to spend very much time in the store (it was also a little too bright and surreal in there), and I was afraid I couldn't get myself home (big component of my agoraphobia), so I just got some tangerines and left.  But I did make myself go in the store and walk around a few minutes and buy something.  When I got home, I ate a "victory tangerine" in my car.  

 

Later on, I actually went to a bar and grill with two friends.  It was pretty quiet and nice (not a loud crazy club type place, plus was Sunday night).  Had food and a club soda and stayed about an hour and a half.  Was nervous when I was first riding out there, but was ok at the place and on the way home.   I'm happy to finally be doing a few more "normal" things again, though it hasn't been easy.  I've had to build up my courage each time.  I'm still not back to where I was, but things are a bit better.

 

My thoughts still veer off into weirdland at times, and I get DP/DR, but that seems to lessen the more I focus on and do normal stuff.  My physical symptoms are either gone or not very strong anymore (nausea/vomiting, light sensitivity, hunger and shakiness).   Thank God that I still sleep well.  I still get anxiety out of nowhere, and often feel it hard to relax or enjoy things fully.  This stuff still zaps my short term memory pretty bad, too, and I get fuzzy brain.   Depression still hangs around, on and off.  But stuff is better.   I'm not sobbing several times a day anymore.  I hope it continues to be better as I taper more--kind of afraid of near the end or when I finally jump off because I've heard that can be bad for some people.  

What a great progress report, you've made some real improvement.  I'm glad to see you're challenging yourself a little bit, those victories really help build up our confidence and boy do we need that!

 

There's no way to know if you'll have trouble as you get close to being off of the drug, I've seen folks improve the whole way down, so don't anticipate it, it might not come true. 

What a great progress report, you've made some real improvement.  I'm glad to see you're challenging yourself a little bit, those victories really help build up our confidence and boy do we need that!

 

This was indeed a great report.  I hope you felt encouraged and empowered that you were able to go to the store and also out with a few friends.

 

Keep it up!

Thanks for your encouragement, Pamster and Missy.  I hope things continue to get better and hope I can remember my "brave days" on my rougher days. 

Freedom and normalcy ARE down the road!!

I see that you are new to "this benzo mess", too.

 

I just discovered this wonderful, and sorely needed, site yesterday, and am now, apparently, your fellow BenzoBuddy. Hello.

 

I am writing to you (a click in the dark, so to speak, like a stab in the dark!!!) to get info on how to reply to messages in the forum. (I think that I have instead replied to a PARTICULAR message, when I had hoped, instead, to address the group as a whole.  Having difficulty navigating this site, as a newbie. Maybe someone else is reading this.  What I thought I would be able to do is write messages to the group as a whole, the forum, rather than to individual buddies.  So apologies to whomever...  if this message seems a thoughtless intrusion because it doesn't  address your particular issue and is, thus,  no help at all. 

 

So, in sum, SORRY.  But can you tell me whether or not it is possible to comment/send messages to the whole group and not to individual members of the group? If so, how? Do you know?  You're a newcomer, too, so maybe not.  AGGHH. I have GENERAL questions about this site that the Forum Manual didn't (after cursory review!) seem to address. And none of the little icons indicates "send message to group."

 

Benzo brain still afflicts me - even though I have been OFF Ativan since September 2010 - but, YOU should know that cognitive changes ARE relieved down the line.  Just not entirely yet in my case, I think. Thus, my feeling LOST and confused on this site.

AAGGGHHH!

Hadron

Hello Hadron,

 

I've sent you a Personal Message (PM) which you can open by clicking on the My Messages tab in the green bar just below the shoutbox.

 

Pam

I haven't been around very much, but wanted to let you all know how I was doing.  I have been doing water titration since Nov. 22nd, and it has been going pretty well.  A lot easier than dry cutting.  I have 1 mg mixed in 100 ml water, and have been taking off 1 ml per day.  On some days, I tried taking 2 ml off.  The symptoms aren't too bad, even though I still have icky moments.  I'm really tired from winter dark and cold anyway, so in some weird way it doesn't seem to matter as much. 

 

I got the Claire Weekes book "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" and it works really well for me (esp. for agoraphobia and driving), and I've also found Dr. Reid Wilson's panic attack help on www.healthyplace.com very helpful (his stuff is based on Claire Weekes, but he adds other helpful stuff like breathing).  I had a nap today, which was actually restful (instead of being totally crappy), woke up with some heart palpitations, and did some calming breaths and they went away.  Still having mental symptoms, especially when it's within an hour or so of my nighttime dose.  In a few days, I'll be down to .75 mg, so I'm almost a quarter of the way there.  I guess I am having to learn patience and acceptance from this, if nothing else.

Hi want2befree,

 

Thanks for checking in with us, I'm glad to hear the titration is working for you.  I'm very glad to see how proactive you're being in regards to seeking non drug help for your anxiety.  Imagine how small the membership of this site would be if all of us had done this to begin with? 

 

I hope you'll keep checking, and congratulations on making it down so far in dose, you're working your way to benzo freedom!

Now after writing that positive stuff about titration working, I'm having a rough patch, so I will have to hold my dose a few days and hope I feel better.   I'm at .71 mg now.  Stuff started to get icky again at .75.  Didn't help that I had read something that scared and bothered me a few days ago--I've been re-living something frightening and crying about it.  My thoughts have gotten obsessive again.  I know it's not just what I read, because I'm feeling benzo-y, and can tell I'm strongly feeling the drug w/d, though sometimes it's hard to convince my mind of that even though I know it's true.  I know it's the drugs, because I get especially kooky when it's near time to take my next dose, and I'm so up and down.  I've been getting terribly depressed again and sobbing off and on throughout the day.  My good friend who is back in town will probably leave in mid-January, this time probably for good (because of not finding work here so far), and this really upsets me since he's been such a big help.

 

Had a weird dream that I got called for a job interview from an app I put in months ago, and I had no shoes on, just socks.  I remember obsessively thinking IN MY DREAM that reality wasn't really real, etc and also worried about being able to do the job at all while being so whacked out with the Klonopin w/d stuff.  Sheesh.  Weird combo of wish-fulfilling fantasy and nightmare.

 

I made a list of positive/reassuring things to read that other people have said--wise stuff from my good, sensible friend, also a couple of quotes from the Dalai Lama about kindness and peace of mind, etc.  When my mind wants to obsess on negative and worried thoughts, I read this stuff and it helps. It's sometimes really hard to self-soothe at these moments.

This is the nature of this process, we're up and down, it's so difficult to find any balance.  Your thoughts are not your own at them moment, they're being influenced by the drug withdrawal and dealing with intrusive memories is especially hard because we can't figure out where they came from nor why we feel them so intensely. 

 

I can tell you're really trying to keep things in the right perspective, but know how difficult it is to see your way out of this.  I'm sorry to hear your friend may not be able to stay, I'm sure that weighs heavily on you.  I'm glad you're holding for a bit, but glad as well to see how much you've been able to reduce your dose.  I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Thanks, Pamster.  I've held at the same dose for 5 days now, and am still having a yucky rotten time w/ symptoms.  Hope it's not like this all the way down--I'm only a little bit over a quarter of the way on my titration off 1 mg.  Had an icky night--woke up to go to the restroom several times (usual for me, I get thirsty at night and wake up a lot), kept having an obsessive, worried, scary thought that wouldn't leave.  Didn't sleep well, and it didn't help that I could hear the neighbors playing music.  Got internal tremors  before my morning dose much earlier than usual, ate a few nuts and felt better.  The tremors had gone away until about a week and a half ago--I had gotten used to not having them and was hoping they wouldn't return.  Woke up shaky, felt like I was going crazy.  Anyway, I can deal with the physical stuff like shaking a lot better than the mental torment.  Having some really koo-koo thoughts today.  On a better note, my friend seems to have found a possible job prospect--he actually got contacted back by the hiring manager, but I'm trying not to get overly hopeful about it. 

 

I guess I am just having a "wave", maybe?  I hope this gets better so I can get on with reducing my dose.  I really want to be away from this stuff. 

I hope your friend gets the job, I know that will help you relax a bit.  Tapering sounds hard, people have to constantly try to figure out if they should hold, or speed it up, and all of that probably adds to the stress.  Waves to come, and so do windows, so try not to worry that you're going to feel this way all the way down, that's not how it works.  This process does its best to keep you off balance, doesn't it?