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Psychological issues?


[Al...]

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Im 42 days into c/t Klonopin withdrawal but have had 4 separate rescue doses of Ativan (only .5 mg or 1 mg) ... my last being 8 days ago. I will not take another unless it is absolutely an only option. The psychological symptoms scare me most. I understand the physical, but I'm having a hard time accepting that my brain can be doing such scary things without something deadly or severely wrong with it. My brain feels as if it's being poisoned. I feel like I'm not at all myself and seconds away from going brain dead or absolutely crazy with no knowledge of who I was. My perception is off. I'm not experiencing psychosis, but my thoughts are weird, don't make sense, and are terrifying. I imagine really vivid images... like my brain rotting away. Sometimes something I see on tv deeply affects and scares me and I can feel it. I don't feel joy or love, only anger, dispair, and fear.  I am so scared this is permanent.... that this isn't normal. I've never, ever felt this way before. It feels way more "real". I want to scream and yell... I don't know why. My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive and I felt like I was going to scream at him today. I feel hollow. I just don't understand how it could feel this bad and scary.... and how do I get through it?

 

I have been able to leave my house on some days.... go thrifting or to wal-mart. I went to the movies last weekend. I cleaned my house today, and I crafted and painted all day yesterday and the day before. I don't feel good by any means, but I'm more "normal" occasionally, but then I get into this again. How can it change so quick? I get so excited to feel better and then I wake up terrified, and the feelings are always different. I can't get use to one symptom because it changes.

 

I need to know others have had psychological symptoms... I understand the dizziness, nausea, muscle aches, sweating, exhaustion.... but brain stuff is my biggest fear and it's awful and real.  I feel stupid. I feel broken. I can't remember things somtimes and other times my memory is fine. I just need to know this will get better. :(

 

They are trying to put me on Cymbalta and Buspar (I'm already on Trileptal, Celexa, and Seroquel) but I'm refusing because I am so afraid of medications after this and the possibility of it making things worse is too scary.

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Ali,

 

I am finding it hard to know what to say to you. I don't know your history and I’m don’t know why they want to put you on so many other drugs. I’m nervous about telling you not to take them.

 

I had lots of days when the mental issues were at least as challenging as the physical ones. But somehow, because they never lasted for longer than hours at a time I saw enough windows to tolerate them. And now it is so much better. I haven’t taken any medication for 8 months and that includes paracetamol and ibuprofen. I’m just not putting any of that stuff in me any more.

 

I see that you are active and getting out. That’s a great start. If you can build on this I am confident that you can do it. My experience is that better days are coming.

 

Best wishes

 

G

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You poor girl.  But, please remember,  THESE ARE JUST THOUGHTS and by no means true.  I found that the physical and mental were intertwined.  Your body is telling you to run and hide, that you're in danger, things are not right.  Your brain takes this information and tries to interpret what your body is telling you.  Don't listen.  This will improve with time.  You'll go up and then crash again.  Just keep at it and try not to relapse.  It will probably prolong the agony.  Keep posting and getting the support you need.  We've all been thru this and you DO come out the other side.
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I truly feel for you Ali and our situations were/are very similar. I was on mostly kpin with ativan mixed and then when i finally kicked, or thought i did i also took rescue doses for a six month period after i kicked. I only took “rescue” doses for insanely high bp spikes (220plus) but then i finally found a medication that would control my spikes.....nifidipine. So that is when i stopped the rescue doses. Unless you have an actual physical emergency such as an insanely high bp you should really curtail all rescue doses. You are going to feel fear you never thought imaginable along with believing you are going insane. If I took a rescue dose each time I felt these I would have never kicked. You need to accept these are only symptoms of wd and will do no harm even though you feel like you are losing your mind. Think about it. How do you actually “lose” your mind? It feels like you are but it always comes back and you need to ride out those moments of seeming insanity. You arent going insane. You are going thru benzo wd. Thats it. You will get many windows where you feel great and waves where ur back to square one. I believe since you are young your wd period will be more rapid. I kicked several times when I was young and none of those kicks feel like what I have been through due to long term high dose use. You simply must ride out each day best you can and it will be over eventually and you will be ten times stronger for having gone through this torture fest. Good luck Ali!
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Thank you for the replies.

 

The past few days have been very scary for me. I've experienced Depersonalization before, but this is different and more severe. I don't feel.... alive? When I look at myself in the mirror there's a HUGE disconnect.... like I cannot comprehend that that is me. My brain feels like this whole other entity. I know it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make self-care to me and it's so very scary. Just sitting here I feel this immense fear and detachment from my entire body. I'm so scared by it. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm alive. It's absolutely the worst feeling. Have I completely lost my mind?

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Thank you for the replies.

 

The past few days have been very scary for me. I've experienced Depersonalization before, but this is different and more severe. I don't feel.... alive? When I look at myself in the mirror there's a HUGE disconnect.... like I cannot comprehend that that is me. My brain feels like this whole other entity. I know it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make self-care to me and it's so very scary. Just sitting here I feel this immense fear and detachment from my entire body. I'm so scared by it. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm alive. It's absolutely the worst feeling. Have I completely lost my mind?

 

Hi Ali,

 

It’s such a sonofabitch isn’t it? I had a day if something similar yesterday. Right out of the blue I felt like my head was not mine. I tried to rationalise it and that didn’t work. I did some meditation and that didn’t fix it. I went out for a bike ride and when I came back I could feel it again. I slept on it and this morning it’s only half as bad. But my tinnitus has got way louder and this keeps reminding me to think about it. But it will go because it always does. Yes, it will be replaced by something else. But over the last 11 months it had gone from bad to worse to bad to better to better. I wish I could zoom to November because I know it will be better again.

 

Somehow distract yourself and keep strong. It is so so hard but there is no sensible alternative.

 

Best wishes

 

G

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I know this is scary but you are doing VERY WELL from a CT, better than many, many others, physically and mentally - and even me, while I'm still ON the damned drug.  So PLEASE, as bad as you feel, realize that most of this, if not all will get so much better!!  While you are healing, why add more drugs to the mix?  I would NOT.  You may add more fuel to the fire, you may not react well at all.  Why chance it, as you said?  You are doing awesome, all things considering!   
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