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Hi Dave again,

isn't it paradoxial i get crippling anx. that i didnt had in the acute. is it? you know i hold my dose and just make tiny reductions in these days. i mean these reductions can't be the reason of this cruel anxiety. when i was in the acute the anx. that i felt was mostly related to breathing. you already know whole my process. but this anxiety that i feel in these days are completely related to nerves so that i can feel mostly my face nerves endings are stimulated. Did you live such things after months of discontinue a drug? this makes me very nervous. i hope i am in a strong wave that will pass after a short time. i think the anxiety(also the anx. you define in mirt section) that it is felt after cuts is a piece of cake compared to this wd anx. waiting on a stable dose id really frustrating. so i am making trials in these days. last week i tried 7 % reduction for one day, but then i immediately regretted and went back on tiny reductions again. even these % trial made my body unbalanced so that i got some discomfort like bloating, ache and additional anx. so what about the tiny reductions which most people did until 3 mg?i think i follow this way like Ering Green and Jack on this forum did.

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Dave , you are the best ! THANK YOU

 

bensanity, thanks for the kind words, sir. That means a ton. stay safe and hang in there.

 

Dave

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  • 1 month later...
[bc...]

Hello Buddies,

 

At the urging of another member on this site, I am going to write my success story in hopes that in some way it will help you on your own journeys. I know when I started on the site, success stories were very important for me to read, even if I did not believe in the least that I would ever see the day I'd write one myself.

 

To briefly recap my own misadventures that initially led me to this site, I'd been on psychiatric medications for over 30 years. My parents had started me on them when I was about 6 years old. Drugs that are now considered barbaric and are largely not prescribed anymore were swallowed in an attempt to break me of inherent shyness, lack of performance in school, and anxiety. In the early 90s as a teenager, I was first prescribed Ativan with unlimited refills and no understanding whatsoever of the implications of long-term use. I'd successfully stopped taking Ativan in what was a near cold-turkey in 2004. In 2008 when anxiety again presented me with some issues, my Dr. prescribed Xanax at .25 mg to take "as needed." I kept the dosage at .25 mg and took this generally 3 to 5 times per week. When my anxiety got worse in February 2012, the Dr. decided to put me on a steady dose of Ativan. 2 to 2.5 mg daily to be taken w/ the Xanax and the Mirtazapine I'd been taking since 1997. I very rapidly developed a tolerance to the Ativan and Xanax and realizing what had happened, I decided to taper despite my Dr.'s idea that I should simply increase the dose because it was "obvious my anxiety was getting worse and I required a stronger dose." My doctor did not believe in withdrawal syndrome. When I indicated I would not increase the dose and would be quitting, the Dr. told me there was no need to taper. Just told me to stop or if anything, take two weeks at half the doses and then stop. I ended up doing a fairly fast taper and was off of the benzos in 6 weeks. My last dose of any benzo was June 21, 2012.

 

What happened after that was nearly fatal. I was hospitalized 2 days after my last dose. After my first release from the hospital, I'd be hospitalized a second time within a month. And in the hospital, the doctors wanted me to go right back onto the Benzos. Again, the doctors inside the hospital had know knowledge of withdrawal syndrome. As I had self-admitted to the hospital both times, I was able to decline more benzos, but tried a whole medicine cabinet full of other pharmaceuticals. Let me explain why I chose to try all of these other drugs.

 

My worst symptom was one that doesn't often get much mention. I think this is for a few reasons. I think people are ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. And I think in a forum setting, there are liability concerns. This is understandable, but does little to quell the fears of those who experience the symptom I will now discuss.

 

 

 

Nothing the hospital did for me helped at all. If anything, some of the other drugs made things worse and I never stayed on any of them. And most of the advice I received led me to believe that in my then mid-30s, I quite suddenly gone insane. One open-minded psychiatrist helped me understand that intrusive thoughts are a part of human nature. We all have them, and often, but we are usually able to dismiss them so they don't become repetitive and therefore a problem. Withdrawal made them a repetitive problem. The other thing the psychiatrist helped me understand was that as long as I was terrified, mortified, and horrified by the thoughts, I was unlikely to act on them. True psychopaths have little-to-no remorse or shame for the thoughts they have, and therefore are not disturbed by them in the least. I was disturbed by them to no end. They were my torture.

 

 

I will list some of the other symptoms I had shortly. But before I do, I will say that my healing came in waxing and waning windows and waves. First, these windows and waves were literally by the moment. Then they stretched to better days. Then better months. And then all of the symptoms finally went away. This was over the course of 3 very long years. After Benzo withdrawal seemed to have passed, I then slowly, slowly, SLOWLY, tapered off the Mirtazapine and am now, completely drug free.

 

Other symptoms I endured:

 

 

-Benzo belly/Intense Stomach Cramping/loss of appetite

-Severe weight loss from 175lbs down to 125lbs in less than 3 months

-Woke up daily for nearly a year vomiting and crying

-Depression and Anxiety

-Went through a period of not being able to cry at all

-Vision problems, eye straining, distorted vision reflexes

-Uncontrollable muscle twitching that resembled a horse trying to shake a fly off its coat

-Akathisia and restless legs

-Tinnitus

-Nocturnal emissions (wet dreams)

-Dizziness, shortness of breath, and chest pains

-Elevated pulse and blood pressure

-Severe constipation

-And many, many, many more.

 

Drugs and supplements tried during withdrawal:

 

-Seroquel - Made things worse

-Risperidone - Made things worse

-Prozac - made things super-worse

-Gabapentin - Didn't help, but wasn't agitating - some increase in depression

-Mirtazapine - Was already on it, used for the duration of withdrawal and then slowly, slowly tapered

-Gaba - Didn't help, didn't hurt

-Fish Oil - Very helpful early

-Magnessium Glycinate - Very helpful early

-L-Theanine/Gaba - Didn't help, didn't hurt

-I'm probably forgetting some.

 

I have not had an alcoholic beverage since withdrawal began in 2012. I use no recreational drugs. I do drink coffee. I can no longer do intense cardiovascular activity as I find it too stimulating, but do light cardio and very heavy weight lifting.

 

Anyway, this is getting wordy, but this is my story, Buddies. As so many of us do, I went through the deepest, darkest, most terrifying pits of hell. And on some level, I feel like big portions of me died off in the process. But far from that being a bad thing, I think it was a second chance at life, or at least a “reset button.” In my mid-40s now, I take nothing for granted - nothing. Every symptom I had in withdrawal is gone. Did you hear that? What came with withdrawal, left with withdrawal. It is all gone, a distant memory in my rearview. And I am in better physical shape and better emotional shape than I have ever been in my entire life. Is my life perfect? No, whose is. But my life is great. It is likely the drugs I was on from early childhood onward were creating and/or exacerbating the symptoms that I continued to treat. And in being off all drugs, I feel I am finally getting to know who I am as a human - unclouded. I am thankful for this. And while I wouldn't wish withdrawal on my worst enemy, nor would I ever wish to endure what I went through again, I can't say that I am completely ungrateful for the hard-won lessons the torment and anguish taught me.

 

I promise you I did not think I would survive. I promise you I thought I was the one who was broken forever – the outlier who was too damaged to ever heal. I promise you I could see no light at the end of that very long tunnel. But I am here today, stronger than I have ever been in my life, happier than I have ever been in my life, and I have absolutely no doubt that you can make it there too.

 

Thank you to the BenzoBuddies site. Thank you to users Parker and Maranatha who gave me a lot of much needed support, reassurance, guidance, and inspiration early on through their posts and PMs.

 

Hang in there, buddies. I am absolutely no one from nowhere. There is nothing unique or special about me. If I can make it through what I endured, I have no doubt that you can make it through what you are enduring.

 

In solidarity,

 

Dave

 

edit: disallowed content removed

 

Hi Dave. i wonder if we talked on another site. maybe your name had numbers with it? dave****anyway. glad to see you are doing so well. im new to BB so i dont even know if i respinded correctly

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  • 4 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...
[2d...]

Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.

 

wow....i too had urges to swallow my wedsing rings...how weird

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Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.

 

wow....i too had urges to swallow my wedsing rings...how weird

 

desperatelybroken and boomboxoboy,

 

This post violates forum policy dealing with self harm, it should have been flagged when it was posted over a year ago but sadly it wasn't so I'm doing so now.

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others are prohibited . Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

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Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.

 

wow....i too had urges to swallow my wedsing rings...how weird

 

desperatelybroken and boomboxoboy,

 

This post violates forum policy dealing with self harm, it should have been flagged when it was posted over a year ago but sadly it wasn't so I'm doing so now.

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others are prohibited . Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

 

Yikes. I know you're bored but.....

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Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.

 

wow....i too had urges to swallow my wedsing rings...how weird

 

desperatelybroken and boomboxoboy,

 

This post violates forum policy dealing with self harm, it should have been flagged when it was posted over a year ago but sadly it wasn't so I'm doing so now.

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others are prohibited . Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

 

Maybe an unpopular opinion but wouldn't censoring talk about intrusive thoughts be considered counterintuitive? The whole point of pure OCD is that the person is sure they will do something but the treatment is expressing the thoughts and exposing themselves to triggers.

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Yikes. I know you're bored but.....

 

boomboxboy,

 

The team can't see every post, we do our best but we miss some which don't comply with forum rules, this one was revived so it caught my attention.  The problem with leaving up posts that violate our rules is it creates confusion over what is or is not allowed.  When a team member confronts a member for rule violations, oftentimes that member will use the excuse of "well, everyone else does, so why are you singling me out", this makes it difficult for us to enforce the rules you and everyone agreed to when you registered. 

 

My flagging of your post was an effort on my part to keep the rules evenly applied to everyone.

 

Maybe an unpopular opinion but wouldn't censoring talk about intrusive thoughts be considered counterintuitive? The whole point of pure OCD is that the person is sure they will do something but the treatment is expressing the thoughts and exposing themselves to triggers.

 

fuerza,

 

I've read that expressing thoughts like this can be helpful to those who suffer from OCD and I'm sure a qualified doctor or therapist would encourage this in the safety of their offices or another situation in which the person feels safe.  However, many of our members are in a fragile state and these types of comments can be very triggering, so for the good of the greater membership we don't allow these thoughts to be expressed here. 

 

Pamster

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I'm really close to writing a success story. I can see myself doing it in the next 6 months to a year. However, I won't want to do it if I can't speak candidly about the symptoms I've overcome. The problem with banning the talk about harm intrusive thoughts and urges is it makes people think that something else is wrong with them besides benzo withdrawal (WHEN IT'S NOT). I hope that I can at least speak openly about these symptoms in a success story, so people know that the meds cause it. It's not just some new mental illness. It's well documented all over the internet besides on this forum (for some reason). The honest truth is psychoactive medications can bring on symptoms of feeling like you want to harm yourself and others. It's true. I can remember all the times I mentioned it on this forum and got gaslit and told to seek other medical professionals help and they would have just put me on more meds, which likely would have compounded the problem substantially. Now that I'm having moments of clarity, I can, with 100% certainty, say that it was the meds. Don't you think it would be useful for newcomers to see that meds cause these problems?
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If it weren't for this thread, written by the person who wrote this success story, I'm not sure I'd even be alive right now.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=64504.0

 

I was just experiencing the symptoms described for the first time and I was desperately searching for anybody who had the same experience. I'm very lucky this thread wasn't taken down or edited. I now keep up a regular correspondence with Dave. Again, very lucky I found it. And this person did try other meds to make the symptoms go away and they did not help him. I think the forum's policies should be changed that if a person is showing genuine concern over these very real benzo-induced symptoms. It should be permitted.

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Boomboxboy21

 

I'm glad you're getting closer to healing and writing a success story. 

 

I knew (was hoping) you'd get better given enough time. 

 

I had SI, along with DP/DR and intrusive thoughts too...thankfully mine went away within a year!

 

Hang in there and looking forward to reading your success story one day.

 

:thumbsup:

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I'm really close to writing a success story. I can see myself doing it in the next 6 months to a year. However, I won't want to do it if I can't speak candidly about the symptoms I've overcome. The problem with banning the talk about harm intrusive thoughts and urges is it makes people think that something else is wrong with them besides benzo withdrawal (WHEN IT'S NOT). I hope that I can at least speak openly about these symptoms in a success story, so people know that the meds cause it. It's not just some new mental illness. It's well documented all over the internet besides on this forum (for some reason). The honest truth is psychoactive medications can bring on symptoms of feeling like you want to harm yourself and others. It's true. I can remember all the times I mentioned it on this forum and got gaslit and told to seek other medical professionals help and they would have just put me on more meds, which likely would have compounded the problem substantially. Now that I'm having moments of clarity, I can, with 100% certainty, say that it was the meds. Don't you think it would be useful for newcomers to see that meds cause these problems?

 

This is the best news I’ve woken up to in a while. I really hope to see your success story by the next year. Maybe in a few years I’ll be able to write one.

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Buddies, hello.

 

I've great respect and compassion for both sides of this issue - as I've experienced it from both sides. I've been in the position of having spontaneously developed intrusive thoughts and urges as a result of psychotropic drug damage and withdrawal, and I also spent a short time in the position of moderator on this site.

 

As far as the intrusive thoughts and urges go, I will say that anyone who experiences these firsthand knows the particular flavor of horror they offer. For me, this was the most painful and devastating symptom of withdrawal, and it dominated my life for the first part of the withdrawal journey costing me friendships and nearly my job. Drugs did not make these thoughts go away, healing did. I did seek psychological help in dealing with the thoughts. I don't want you to think I simply went at it alone. While it may be difficult to find doctors who will confirm this particular symptom, and it may be difficult to find doctors who won't have a knee-jerk reaction towards loading you with psychiatric medications in light of this particular symptom, I found that there are non-prescribing psychologists who will lend a compassionate ear and can discern your level of safety. Which for me, was vital - having someone qualified tell me I was safe, even if my thoughts and impulses didn't seem that way.

 

From the moderation side, it is worth the reminder that the moderators on this site are all volunteer. There are certain liabilities that the site can't take on, because this site isn't moderated by licensed professionals - it is moderated by those who've shared in the trials of withdrawal. I know sometimes we focus on the information that is not included on this site, but can you imagine the void if the information that IS included on this site wasn't available?

 

And as has been mentioned before, certain specific details pertaining to intrusive thoughts and urges can be very triggering. I myself was on both sides of that as well. In the early days of my own withdrawal, I was torn between wanting to read the extreme details of others' experiences to validate what I was experiencing myself, but then also being triggered by things I may not have come up with on my own.

 

The intrusive thoughts and impulses are a real symptom. There is no doubt about that. It was my experience that they came with withdrawal and when withdrawal left, so did they. That was my experience with all of my symptoms. If they came with withdrawal, they left with withdrawal.

 

I am thankful to both the moderators on this site for their protective intuitions, and for those of you still going through withdrawal for hanging in there with the suffering that you do - and encouraging and supporting those who you may. I know it isn't easy. I truly believe it is within all of our potential to heal from the damage psychiatric medications do.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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  • 5 weeks later...

I'm really close to writing a success story. I can see myself doing it in the next 6 months to a year. However, I won't want to do it if I can't speak candidly about the symptoms I've overcome. The problem with banning the talk about harm intrusive thoughts and urges is it makes people think that something else is wrong with them besides benzo withdrawal (WHEN IT'S NOT). I hope that I can at least speak openly about these symptoms in a success story, so people know that the meds cause it. It's not just some new mental illness. It's well documented all over the internet besides on this forum (for some reason). The honest truth is psychoactive medications can bring on symptoms of feeling like you want to harm yourself and others. It's true. I can remember all the times I mentioned it on this forum and got gaslit and told to seek other medical professionals help and they would have just put me on more meds, which likely would have compounded the problem substantially. Now that I'm having moments of clarity, I can, with 100% certainty, say that it was the meds. Don't you think it would be useful for newcomers to see that meds cause these problems?

 

This is the best news I’ve woken up to in a while. I really hope to see your success story by the next year. Maybe in a few years I’ll be able to write one.

 

Oh yes, I agree, as I have followed BoomBoxBoy quite a bit over time. Tremendously good news to hear he is on the verge of writing a success story. It really just demonstrates that time is our best healer even spread over such a wide array of symptoms.

 

And so much thanks to you Dave for continually checking in on this thread. Truly inspiring.

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  • 3 weeks later...

thank you for your post.

I seem to have a similar story. i was poly-drugged after some very difficult life situations. i am now off of nearly every thing, I have 3.75 of Valium and 75 mg of bupropion. In the last 85 days I dropped quetiapine 25 mg. except for 5 days. i was and am so worried about tardive.

My standing is not good. I have to hold onto the wall sometimes to balance.my brain still has a chemical feel.

 

i just got a MRI per my NP's request to rule out other things { a list of about ten symptoms ).

 

After I find out the results I will take it from there.

 

i am thinking about liquid Valium the rest of the way if I can as cuts and filing at the end is harsh.

 

any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

You sound good!hope allis well! Thanks!

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i dont see how i will get past these thoughts even if they stop. mine are beyond awfuk and whej i ask God what he wants from me my brain gives me a quick and straight forwards forward answer. and it aint nice. i ask myself who are you and again here comes the mean answer from hell. do i realy want to be the mom who had to ask these things? bedridden and qlone and angry
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I am so sorry healing heart. The only thing I can say is that I have been in your shoes. It is hell and no "meditation" apps will help, no "thought exercises" help. Your brain's looping thoughts are on their own replay. The only thing that helped me was to keep distracting myself and try to keep myself busy. I kept repeating "I am not my thoughts." Over and over again. And a therapist recommended me just outright yelling "Stop!" when my ruminations were spiraling. Note: warn people that you will doing this so they are on the same page. In time these thoughts do calm down. I think my intense looping psycho thoughts slowed down after a few months but continues ruminating thoughts over horrible life choices does continue. Only thing I can is practice gratitude for the blessings I still have. Every morning list three good things in your life and if you can repeat this every night. It can be a simple as comfortable sheets and a bed. Since I spent so much time in bed, I was very grateful to have a comfortable one.

 

Please hang in there. You will get though it. It does take time.

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  • 1 year later...
  • 2 years later...

Hello All,

It's been a while since I checked in.

In early January I did an interview at a radio station about my withdrawal experience. It was actually amazing to tell my story in-full. I've included the link below. Trigger warning only because I talk in-full about my drug history and symptoms.

But I hope in some way this is helpful to some of you.

https://archive.org/details/buttahmilk_20240109

Hang in there.

Dave

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