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Really nice thoughtful SS Dave. Thank you for sharing with us all. Intrusive thoughts tortured me too. And seven years later, they occasionally still pop up. That really is something I dislike but at least now I know how to deal with them.

I love your description of your healing. That was pretty much how it was for me. I began noticing that certain symptoms had just faded away. That gave me hope but even so I still thought I was the worst case ever known on BB. When I did write my SS, I still had a lot of symptoms, mostly DP/DR and I still had severe Fear going on 24/7. But because I also felt I was healing I wrote my SS. Another year passed and then I KNEW I was healed. Took me over three years but I am now just a normal woman who went through something so incredible it defies describing. I know you know what I mean! I took benzos for thirty long years and was forced to go CT off benzos and ADs.  Holy hell broke out within 6 hours after my last dose of Klonapin.

 

Thank you for sharing. Good job and I am truly glad you feel so much better now.

east

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Hey Dave, I think it takes a special person to come back after you’re out of this nightmare just to give some random internet strangers some hope. I wish you all the best in your life, congrats!
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Really nice thoughtful SS Dave. Thank you for sharing with us all. Intrusive thoughts tortured me too. And seven years later, they occasionally still pop up. That really is something I dislike but at least now I know how to deal with them.

I love your description of your healing. That was pretty much how it was for me. I began noticing that certain symptoms had just faded away. That gave me hope but even so I still thought I was the worst case ever known on BB. When I did write my SS, I still had a lot of symptoms, mostly DP/DR and I still had severe Fear going on 24/7. But because I also felt I was healing I wrote my SS. Another year passed and then I KNEW I was healed. Took me over three years but I am now just a normal woman who went through something so incredible it defies describing. I know you know what I mean! I took benzos for thirty long years and was forced to go CT off benzos and ADs.  Holy hell broke out within 6 hours after my last dose of Klonapin.

 

Thank you for sharing. Good job and I am truly glad you feel so much better now.

east

 

eastcoast62, hi.

 

Thank you so much for the kind words and for taking the time to read my story - I greatly appreciate that - it means a lot. I time-traveled a little bit on your posts, went back to the beginning and read how intense you were having it too all those years ago. I feel I must spin that "good job" around and slide it back to you with interest accrued :)

 

I remember reading success stories myself when I was in the hard places, to glean what solace I could, to try to convince myself that I too would get there. That was a hard battle. And I never thought my day would come. "Too damaged, for too long, with too many mistakes..." That was the constant needle-skip on the mental record. That was a hard groove to get out of.

 

Oh, the intrusives for me were the worst. The physical pain was horrid, but the intrusive thoughts were what provided the most exquisite anguish. In a sense though, once those started, I was probably spared the brunt of the physical as I wasn't focused on it - it was the thoughts. Before the thoughts came, the stomach symptoms, cramps (if you can even call it that) weight loss, dizziness, and insomnia were felt viscerally. But the thoughts were like a tsunami that came rushing in and toppled everything.

 

We held on, right? We hung in there and we did what we could to get through the molasses minutes. And the healing started happening.

 

I'm really thankful for your post, east.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Hey Dave, I think it takes a special person to come back after you’re out of this nightmare just to give some random internet strangers some hope. I wish you all the best in your life, congrats!

 

ICAN, hey.

 

Thank you for the congrats and well wishes, I greatly appreciate that.

 

It took me some time before I really felt I could face this stuff again. To look at it without it totally freaking me out. It's like climbing to the top of an indescribably steep mountain and being too scared to take in the view once you've finally ascended. Especially with all the bumps, bruises and breaks that came par for the endeavor. It's a lot to take in in retrospect.

 

We're strangers in a sense. But we have a shared struggle. There were a lot of random people who took the time to reach out to me when everything was collapsing. I'm only too grateful to actually be able to come back and give some hope - and to say "hey, look, this healing stuff, it actually happens, it does, it does!" I had very little hope when I was in the thick. But I now know I could have rightfully kept the hope fires burning a little brighter.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Could you tell us what your experience with physical pain and muscle issues was like Dave? It’s my most debilitating symptom and the most depressing. Hearing about it from someone who had it and healed means a lot every time.
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Could you tell us what your experience with physical pain and muscle issues was like Dave? It’s my most debilitating symptom and the most depressing. Hearing about it from someone who had it and healed means a lot every time.

 

ICAN, hello.

 

The first physical pain I had in withdrawal was while I was still on the benzos and persisted for some time after my discontinuation. That was the benzo belly. Basically for me, if I mustered any appetite whatsoever in the first place, I would experience that most excruciating pain a short while after eating. I would quite literally be doubled over in pain. I've never felt pain like that before or after withdrawal. It felt like the most extreme bloating and cramping. It is indescribable in words. I became so scared of eating because of this, which contributed to the massive amount of weight I lost in just 3 months time. I was still relatively unaware of the issues surrounding benzodiazepine withdrawal and therefore sought medical attention and despite intensive diagnostic evaluations, there was never any pathology to support the symptoms. That particular symptom was my absolute most painful and probably ran from late February 2012 through July 2012, gradually subsiding from August 2012 forward.

 

The muscle symptoms were many. I'd described before the muscle spasms and twitches and shakes. The muscle spasms were reminiscent of seeing a cow or horse in a field trying to rid themselves of flies. Uncontrollable eruptions of spasms. I had sought some alternative treatments at that time. One of them was called reiki. It's where someone passes their hands over the body in attempt to alter the energy fields around the body. The person administering the reiki was absolutely astounded at what the muscles were doing. It was highly visible. Sometimes my whole body would be involved, as if I had suddenly caught chill and I was shuddering. My hands and arms would shake, or occasionally jerk into a position, or tremor reminiscent of someone with Parkinson's Disease.

 

I also believe that the focus and eye perception issues I encountered were related to the eye muscles having been affected. When I would push my son on the swing, the swing's return to my waiting hands would make me strain and cringe because the eye muscles were not reacting and adjusting properly to incoming objects. This made driving impossible for a long while. In fact even being a passenger in a car was very uncomfortable. I could not look at the passing surrounds or even the lines painted on the roads were too much for my eyes to handle.

 

I had facial tics and muscle twitches in my eyelids, cheeks, and my jaw would tremor. It was a full-body experience in that way.

 

Every single one of those symptoms came with withdrawal and left with withdrawal. Not a single one remains. In the early days those symptoms would wax and wane with the waves and windows interchanging. I'd experience an hour or a day without them, or some would be less severe than others. Then they'd return. Then they'd go again. I was always relieved when they would leave, and horrified all over again when they'd return. I could not convince myself that they'd ever be gone for good. They have been gone for a very long time now.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering what you are, ICAN. I hope some of what I wrote helps in some way.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Dave, congrats on the wonderful healing and transformation.  Thank you so much for coming back and posting your story.  I am at 31 months and still in the thick of it.  Albeit things are milder than they were, I am still dealing with the constant suckiness. The mornings are still just a grind. From anxiety, flu like symptoms, body aches and fatigue to a very sensitive nervous system.  I am thankful though that @mid-late afternoon these symptoms let up a bit.  Tough sledding during the working hours but I know in due time just like you, I will develop my own success story off of this poisonous drug.  Thanks my friend.
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Dave, congrats on the wonderful healing and transformation.  Thank you so much for coming back and posting your story.  I am at 31 months and still in the thick of it.  Albeit things are milder than they were, I am still dealing with the constant suckiness. The mornings are still just a grind. From anxiety, flu like symptoms, body aches and fatigue to a very sensitive nervous system.  I am thankful though that @mid-late afternoon these symptoms let up a bit.  Tough sledding during the working hours but I know in due time just like you, I will develop my own success story off of this poisonous drug.  Thanks my friend.

 

Hey SoulMan, thank you for checking in and for reading the story, I appreciate that a lot. I'm sorry you're still in the thick of it, but am glad to hear things are at least somewhat milder. Morning through afternoon were always the toughest for me as well. I truly think it has something to do with the cortisol cycle and I remember work, when I returned to it, being a true slog. I'd battle my way through every day and drag myself home. I had those mid-afternoon-evening respites as well. That was always my better time. For a long time, it was nearly every evening between 6 and 7. I felt functional and at least tasted hope. And that small slice of hope I'd grip onto for dear life as my life-raft through to the next.

Hang in there, I will be looking forward to reading that success story, I know it is forthcoming  :)

 

Dave

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  • 1 month later...
Thank you for this very honest and open success story. And congratulations on your new life!  I am recently off benzo after a very slow long taper and feeling worse now than the last few months of my taper. It's amazing that even those tiny doses toward the end were doing something.  I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but it has faded again for me.  I do keep reading that ppl all think they are the one who won't recover and they do...I also feel I'm an outlier.  But I know healing was happening toward the end of my taper.  I appreciate how you wrote that you are not unique and, like you, we will all heal.    Yes, we are all anonymous strangers, but we are not random...we are all very similar...ppl suffering thru a common nightmare. Thank you again for the ray of hope!
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Thank you for this very honest and open success story. And congratulations on your new life!  I am recently off benzo after a very slow long taper and feeling worse now than the last few months of my taper. It's amazing that even those tiny doses toward the end were doing something.  I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but it has faded again for me.  I do keep reading that ppl all think they are the one who won't recover and they do...I also feel I'm an outlier.  But I know healing was happening toward the end of my taper.  I appreciate how you wrote that you are not unique and, like you, we will all heal.    Yes, we are all anonymous strangers, but we are not random...we are all very similar...ppl suffering thru a common nightmare. Thank you again for the ray of hope!

 

libr, hey.

 

thank you so much for taking the time to read the thing, and for writing as well. at certain points in my own process, it was sort of like the light at the end of the tunnel faded in and out. and i know that is discouraging. i'd have a window or a period of windows and then they'd slam shut and it'd be waves for a while... but... when the light of the tunnel spills back into your view, watch for it being even brighter. it builds like that as you progress in your healing.

 

i am not unique, i am no one from nowhere. just another human who had the misfortune of being on benzos, and suffered the withdrawal consequences. and yes, i thought i was the outlier who'd made too many mistakes to pull myself out. it all came around. it took time and no small amount of suffering, but i am more solid today than at any other point in my life.

 

hang in there, friend. you'll get there.

 

dave

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Hi Dave,

 

I only want to thank you for taking time and giving hopes and addressing everyone's questions! It's life saving to everyone still on the road.

 

I read all your posts in the thread. Each is tremendous helpful and encouraging ! I especially love your saying, that everything came with wd, went away along with it.

 

I'm so happy you made it out and got your health and life back!

 

Respectfully, 4mom

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Oh I do have one question, did you get high sensitivity to food or anything else? If so did it resolve and how long it took?

 

Thanks!

4mom

Thank you for your kind words 4mom, they mean a lot, and I appreciate you taking the time. It makes me happy that some encouragement can be gleaned from my reliving and remembering and sharing my own struggles with this process.

 

There was a point where I felt I was sensitive to nearly every food, supplement, even personal hygiene products like soaps and deodorants. Little by little these sensitivities lessened. The only thing that didn’t come back all the way for me was my tolerance of dairy. I had given up dairy for so long that I lost much of my ability to digest it, and am now fairly lactose intolerant. I take a lactase supplement and am all-good so long as I use that prior to consuming. I still watch out for things like MSG and its relatives, but it doesn’t destroy me like it did when I was in withdrawal. MSG or like substances would throw me into brutal waves.

 

So bottom line is most all of my sensitivities that were facets of withdrawal went away when withdrawal passed. I’ll never drink alcohol again, so can’t say whether I am sensitive to that.

 

I hope that answers your question, at least to a degree :) Are you experiencing sensitivities to foods or supplements? If so, they will pass.

 

Hang in there, friend.

 

Dave

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Amazing, simply amazing. I don't know why I didn't see this earlier.

 

It's people like you who give me REAL hope. Although I believe in healing, it's difficult to see myself fully healed. I'm working on it every day, though. The anxiety is really awful, and I think it also has to do with the bp pills I'm on. They cause anxiety as side effects, and the benzo anxiety, plus the anxiety from the pills, ratchets up to a horrific level.

 

THANK YOU for taking the time to write your story. You indeed have been on a remarkable journey, and I am forever grateful for your words. :smitten:

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Amazing, simply amazing. I don't know why I didn't see this earlier.

 

It's people like you who give me REAL hope. Although I believe in healing, it's difficult to see myself fully healed. I'm working on it every day, though. The anxiety is really awful, and I think it also has to do with the bp pills I'm on. They cause anxiety as side effects, and the benzo anxiety, plus the anxiety from the pills, ratchets up to a horrific level.

 

THANK YOU for taking the time to write your story. You indeed have been on a remarkable journey, and I am forever grateful for your words. :smitten:

 

Terry38, hello!

 

Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words, they are truly appreciated.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing that sort of unbounded anxiety. I remember that well. It felt like those old cartoons where the mercury would rise in a thermometer until the top would start bulging and finally burst - it felt like the anxiety had no threshold at which to stop - it seemed like it was unhindered. That does go away too. Like now, if I experience some normal life anxiety, I feel that rise, but there seems to be a point where it won't go past - it doesn't feel out of control. And because of that, I can breathe, I can work with the thoughts, emotions, sensations, and frame the anxiety as warranted and natural, and it dissipates.

 

It's tough when other medications' side effects rub up against the withdrawal-related anxiety. But as that withdrawal-related anxiety settles, any side effect-induced anxiety will be more tolerable.

 

Hang in there and keep up the good work! :)

 

Dave

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Hi dave,

Thank you for you kind reply with all the detailed info!

 

Yes, I developed extreme sensitivity 1 month after jumping to almost everything. First to msg and artificial sweeteners, all supplement or over the counter meds, then various food including all wheat products, sugars, some fruit like berries, grapes, plums, vegetables all beans, spinach, tomatoes, and many others I can't remember. Even with the very limited food items, I would feel some sx ramps up although not severe like those ones making me passing out, or causing heart issues, breathing issues and others. Even the topical creams for wd rashes made me breathless. I have to eat small meals at a time to avoid the spike of the glutamate level which I believe the cause of problems.

 

I'm so glad to know it went away for you over time.

 

Best wishes

4mom

 

 

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Amazing, simply amazing. I don't know why I didn't see this earlier.

 

It's people like you who give me REAL hope. Although I believe in healing, it's difficult to see myself fully healed. I'm working on it every day, though. The anxiety is really awful, and I think it also has to do with the bp pills I'm on. They cause anxiety as side effects, and the benzo anxiety, plus the anxiety from the pills, ratchets up to a horrific level.

 

THANK YOU for taking the time to write your story. You indeed have been on a remarkable journey, and I am forever grateful for your words. :smitten:

 

Terry38, hello!

 

Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words, they are truly appreciated.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing that sort of unbounded anxiety. I remember that well. It felt like those old cartoons where the mercury would rise in a thermometer until the top would start bulging and finally burst - it felt like the anxiety had no threshold at which to stop - it seemed like it was unhindered. That does go away too. Like now, if I experience some normal life anxiety, I feel that rise, but there seems to be a point where it won't go past - it doesn't feel out of control. And because of that, I can breathe, I can work with the thoughts, emotions, sensations, and frame the anxiety as warranted and natural, and it dissipates.

 

It's tough when other medications' side effects rub up against the withdrawal-related anxiety. But as that withdrawal-related anxiety settles, any side effect-induced anxiety will be more tolerable.

 

Hang in there and keep up the good work! :)

 

Dave

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH, Dave!!!! You explained my anxiety perfectly. At this point I can only dream of the benzo anxiety leaving, but the fact that you said it reaches a point that it won't go past is music to my ears!! I'm SO looking forward to that.

 

And I'm SO HAPPY that you finally have your life back and are truly living once again. :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Dave,

 

I forgot to ask earlier if you had any issues with cognitive impairment after your withdrawals? Memory problems? Concentration problems? Problems with learning and processing new information? Any problems with language (word recall or putting together sentences)? Access to your creative mind?

 

Cognitive impairment has become my fundamental issue at 2 years off and I am curious if these were ever issues with you or others.

 

Thank you so much for your consideration.

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Hi Dave,

 

I forgot to ask earlier if you had any issues with cognitive impairment after your withdrawals? Memory problems? Concentration problems? Problems with learning and processing new information? Any problems with language (word recall or putting together sentences)? Access to your creative mind?

 

Cognitive impairment has become my fundamental issue at 2 years off and I am curious if these were ever issues with you or others.

 

Thank you so much for your consideration.

 

TaterTot91, hi.

 

Thank you for your question, thank you for writing.

 

Cognitive impairment during withdrawal itself was truly catastrophic - for me at least. I'd always held a certain sense of pride in my organizational skills and memory. During withdrawal, I honestly could not tell you who the president was at that time, I called people I knew for ages by the wrong name, or couldn't place their names at all. I rarely knew the day of the week. I had issues with processing any new information, finding words, and any creativity I had was absolutely gone in that period.

 

I was so scared about what was happening in my mind that I sat down with a pad and paper one day and wrote down any passwords I could recall for utilities, bank accounts, etc. as I was the principal bill payer and organizer in my household and I could feel very quickly that I was losing my ability to recall things and hold on to a sense of order.

 

The cognitive issues were at their worst for the first year, and even where you are at 2 years off, it was not great, but was getting somewhat better. It was a gradual sense of coming back online cognitively. Now 7 years off, my memory and organizational skills, my creativity, my ability to make decisions, they have all returned full-force. But memory from my withdrawal is sparse. I always think of it as my life on a video reel - the period of withdrawal was recorded in a very fragmented, broken way. So if you were you to sit down and watch the DVD of my life, the period of withdrawal is fraught with skips, stutters, and blank space - until healing had gained a foothold and the movie of my human lifetime returned.

 

I hope this helps. Hang in there my friend.

 

Dave

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Hi Dave,

 

I forgot to ask earlier if you had any issues with cognitive impairment after your withdrawals? Memory problems? Concentration problems? Problems with learning and processing new information? Any problems with language (word recall or putting together sentences)? Access to your creative mind?

 

Cognitive impairment has become my fundamental issue at 2 years off and I am curious if these were ever issues with you or others.

 

Thank you so much for your consideration.

 

TaterTot91, hi.

 

Thank you for your question, thank you for writing.

 

Cognitive impairment during withdrawal itself was truly catastrophic - for me at least. I'd always held a certain sense of pride in my organizational skills and memory. During withdrawal, I honestly could not tell you who the president was at that time, I called people I knew for ages by the wrong name, or couldn't place their names at all. I rarely knew the day of the week. I had issues with processing any new information, finding words, and any creativity I had was absolutely gone in that period.

 

I was so scared about what was happening in my mind that I sat down with a pad and paper one day and wrote down any passwords I could recall for utilities, bank accounts, etc. as I was the principal bill payer and organizer in my household and I could feel very quickly that I was losing my ability to recall things and hold on to a sense of order.

 

The cognitive issues were at their worst for the first year, and even where you are at 2 years off, it was not great, but was getting somewhat better. It was a gradual sense of coming back online cognitively. Now 7 years off, my memory and organizational skills, my creativity, my ability to make decisions, they have all returned full-force. But memory from my withdrawal is sparse. I always think of it as my life on a video reel - the period of withdrawal was recorded in a very fragmented, broken way. So if you were you to sit down and watch the DVD of my life, the period of withdrawal is fraught with skips, stutters, and blank space - until healing had gained a foothold and the movie of my human lifetime returned.

 

I hope this helps. Hang in there my friend.

 

Dave

 

Hi Dave,

Thank you very much to take time to reflect and write back to me. It means the world. I would have written sooner, but you know how it is...finding the cognitive energy can be challenging!

 

I find connection in your description of your challenges and I do know that I have improved over the course of my prolonged withdrawal. It was weird how I actually got cognitively worse after the acute stage and I could sense my brain closing in on itself and disconnecting as if my neurons were all closing up. Not much messengering going on and I was in haze and a bubble. It was very hard to communicate and if I did manage to find words they were sparse.

 

I have steadily improved since then, but it has taken a long time. My conversations now are often self-conscious, stilted and question-oriented as I find it hard to follow through with thoughts. I think because my memory is still so impaired it is hard to pull thoughts to put into conversation, etc.

 

I am a little better when I get sleep, but sleep is very challenging. Did you previously answer questions about how you are sleeping?

Just curious.

 

All the best to you and I appreciate you very much!

 

Taylor

 

 

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I am a little better when I get sleep, but sleep is very challenging. Did you previously answer questions about how you are sleeping?

Just curious.

 

Taylor, hey.

 

Thanks again for writing, and you are very welcome. I hope you are hanging in there.  :thumbsup:

 

Sleep is so vital for healing, and for some of us, so hard to come by when were are in withdrawal. Early in withdrawal, sleep disintegrated into absolutely nothing for me. When I jumped after a way-to-fast-taper, I was literally getting about an hour of sleep per night. And this wasn't a straight hour - this was an hour collectively accumulated in desperate fragments. And not even so much my desperation, but my body's desperation. My body would literally just shutdown from the exhaustion.

 

It was a very slow climb back to better sleep. I suffered insomnia for many months. The first three months were the absolute worst and then the gradual improvement began. As my sleep got better, I do think the healing also improved. I refused to partake in any sleep aid aside from magnesium. And I was taking Mirtazapine which has been known to help sleep, but the doctors had jacked me so high on it, it was still activating in the early days and did not have its sleep-inducing effects.

 

People have talked about this elsewhere, but I really needed to practice very stringent sleep hygiene. I would take my magnesium and then I would just sit. I couldn't read at that point, my eyes and mind would not allow me to read, but if you can read, reading is great for making those eyelids droop. Reading something of a somewhat peaceful nature would be preferable. I did not watch TV or movies, screen time within two hours of bed was a big no-no. I kept my sleeping space for sleep only. And if I laid there for 20 minutes and sleep was not coming, I would get up and sit again, or do something, until I felt tired once more and I would try again.

 

Sleep is vital for so many reasons. I sleep less now than I did before withdrawal. I find can function at my peak with 5-6hrs of good, restorative sleep. And it is natural, unaided sleep. Sleep does come back, but it is progressive improvement and takes time. I wish you many hours deep, restorative sleep soon.

 

Hang in there my friend,

 

Dave

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I am a little better when I get sleep, but sleep is very challenging. Did you previously answer questions about how you are sleeping?

Just curious.

 

Taylor, hey.

 

Thanks again for writing, and you are very welcome. I hope you are hanging in there.  :thumbsup:

 

Sleep is so vital for healing, and for some of us, so hard to come by when were are in withdrawal. Early in withdrawal, sleep disintegrated into absolutely nothing for me. When I jumped after a way-to-fast-taper, I was literally getting about an hour of sleep per night. And this wasn't a straight hour - this was an hour collectively accumulated in desperate fragments. And not even so much my desperation, but my body's desperation. My body would literally just shutdown from the exhaustion.

 

It was a very slow climb back to better sleep. I suffered insomnia for many months. The first three months were the absolute worst and then the gradual improvement began. As my sleep got better, I do think the healing also improved. I refused to partake in any sleep aid aside from magnesium. And I was taking Mirtazapine which has been known to help sleep, but the doctors had jacked me so high on it, it was still activating in the early days and did not have its sleep-inducing effects.

 

People have talked about this elsewhere, but I really needed to practice very stringent sleep hygiene. I would take my magnesium and then I would just sit. I couldn't read at that point, my eyes and mind would not allow me to read, but if you can read, reading is great for making those eyelids droop. Reading something of a somewhat peaceful nature would be preferable. I did not watch TV or movies, screen time within two hours of bed was a big no-no. I kept my sleeping space for sleep only. And if I laid there for 20 minutes and sleep was not coming, I would get up and sit again, or do something, until I felt tired once more and I would try again.

 

Sleep is vital for so many reasons. I sleep less now than I did before withdrawal. I find can function at my peak with 5-6hrs of good, restorative sleep. And it is natural, unaided sleep. Sleep does come back, but it is progressive improvement and takes time. I wish you many hours deep, restorative sleep soon.

 

Hang in there my friend,

 

Dave

 

Hi Dave,

 

I definitely identify with only getting a non-consecutive hour of sleep a night! For me that lasted over a year and I thought I would die from it. I only died on the inside, I guess. Sleep only presented itself in "desperate fragments" for me as well. Beautifully worded.

 

Sleep is still a struggle for me and this past week I have only been able to sleep around three hours. It is making my head feel tight and pressurized and my thoughts are discombobulated and cloudy.

 

Having a rough week. Thank you for your words of comfort. I also want to commend you on your wonderful style of writing. Thank you for writing back!

 

Taylor

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  • 4 months later...

Hello Buddies,

 

At the urging of another member on this site, I am going to write my success story in hopes that in some way it will help you on your own journeys. I know when I started on the site, success stories were very important for me to read, even if I did not believe in the least that I would ever see the day I'd write one myself.

 

To briefly recap my own misadventures that initially led me to this site, I'd been on psychiatric medications for over 30 years. My parents had started me on them when I was about 6 years old. Drugs that are now considered barbaric and are largely not prescribed anymore were swallowed in an attempt to break me of inherent shyness, lack of performance in school, and anxiety. In the early 90s as a teenager, I was first prescribed Ativan with unlimited refills and no understanding whatsoever of the implications of long-term use. I'd successfully stopped taking Ativan in what was a near cold-turkey in 2004. In 2008 when anxiety again presented me with some issues, my Dr. prescribed Xanax at .25 mg to take "as needed." I kept the dosage at .25 mg and took this generally 3 to 5 times per week. When my anxiety got worse in February 2012, the Dr. decided to put me on a steady dose of Ativan. 2 to 2.5 mg daily to be taken w/ the Xanax and the Mirtazapine I'd been taking since 1997. I very rapidly developed a tolerance to the Ativan and Xanax and realizing what had happened, I decided to taper despite my Dr.'s idea that I should simply increase the dose because it was "obvious my anxiety was getting worse and I required a stronger dose." My doctor did not believe in withdrawal syndrome. When I indicated I would not increase the dose and would be quitting, the Dr. told me there was no need to taper. Just told me to stop or if anything, take two weeks at half the doses and then stop. I ended up doing a fairly fast taper and was off of the benzos in 6 weeks. My last dose of any benzo was June 21, 2012.

 

What happened after that was nearly fatal. I was hospitalized 2 days after my last dose. After my first release from the hospital, I'd be hospitalized a second time within a month. And in the hospital, the doctors wanted me to go right back onto the Benzos. Again, the doctors inside the hospital had know knowledge of withdrawal syndrome. As I had self-admitted to the hospital both times, I was able to decline more benzos, but tried a whole medicine cabinet full of other pharmaceuticals. Let me explain why I chose to try all of these other drugs.

 

My worst symptom was one that doesn't often get much mention. I think this is for a few reasons. I think people are ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. And I think in a forum setting, there are liability concerns. This is understandable, but does little to quell the fears of those who experience the symptom I will now discuss.

 

 

 

Nothing the hospital did for me helped at all. If anything, some of the other drugs made things worse and I never stayed on any of them. And most of the advice I received led me to believe that in my then mid-30s, I quite suddenly gone insane. One open-minded psychiatrist helped me understand that intrusive thoughts are a part of human nature. We all have them, and often, but we are usually able to dismiss them so they don't become repetitive and therefore a problem. Withdrawal made them a repetitive problem. The other thing the psychiatrist helped me understand was that as long as I was terrified, mortified, and horrified by the thoughts, I was unlikely to act on them. True psychopaths have little-to-no remorse or shame for the thoughts they have, and therefore are not disturbed by them in the least. I was disturbed by them to no end. They were my torture.

 

 

I will list some of the other symptoms I had shortly. But before I do, I will say that my healing came in waxing and waning windows and waves. First, these windows and waves were literally by the moment. Then they stretched to better days. Then better months. And then all of the symptoms finally went away. This was over the course of 3 very long years. After Benzo withdrawal seemed to have passed, I then slowly, slowly, SLOWLY, tapered off the Mirtazapine and am now, completely drug free.

 

Other symptoms I endured:

 

 

-Benzo belly/Intense Stomach Cramping/loss of appetite

-Severe weight loss from 175lbs down to 125lbs in less than 3 months

-Woke up daily for nearly a year vomiting and crying

-Depression and Anxiety

-Went through a period of not being able to cry at all

-Vision problems, eye straining, distorted vision reflexes

-Uncontrollable muscle twitching that resembled a horse trying to shake a fly off its coat

-Akathisia and restless legs

-Tinnitus

-Nocturnal emissions (wet dreams)

-Dizziness, shortness of breath, and chest pains

-Elevated pulse and blood pressure

-Severe constipation

-And many, many, many more.

 

Drugs and supplements tried during withdrawal:

 

-Seroquel - Made things worse

-Risperidone - Made things worse

-Prozac - made things super-worse

-Gabapentin - Didn't help, but wasn't agitating - some increase in depression

-Mirtazapine - Was already on it, used for the duration of withdrawal and then slowly, slowly tapered

-Gaba - Didn't help, didn't hurt

-Fish Oil - Very helpful early

-Magnessium Glycinate - Very helpful early

-L-Theanine/Gaba - Didn't help, didn't hurt

-I'm probably forgetting some.

 

I have not had an alcoholic beverage since withdrawal began in 2012. I use no recreational drugs. I do drink coffee. I can no longer do intense cardiovascular activity as I find it too stimulating, but do light cardio and very heavy weight lifting.

 

Anyway, this is getting wordy, but this is my story, Buddies. As so many of us do, I went through the deepest, darkest, most terrifying pits of hell. And on some level, I feel like big portions of me died off in the process. But far from that being a bad thing, I think it was a second chance at life, or at least a “reset button.” In my mid-40s now, I take nothing for granted - nothing. Every symptom I had in withdrawal is gone. Did you hear that? What came with withdrawal, left with withdrawal. It is all gone, a distant memory in my rearview. And I am in better physical shape and better emotional shape than I have ever been in my entire life. Is my life perfect? No, whose is. But my life is great. It is likely the drugs I was on from early childhood onward were creating and/or exacerbating the symptoms that I continued to treat. And in being off all drugs, I feel I am finally getting to know who I am as a human - unclouded. I am thankful for this. And while I wouldn't wish withdrawal on my worst enemy, nor would I ever wish to endure what I went through again, I can't say that I am completely ungrateful for the hard-won lessons the torment and anguish taught me.

 

I promise you I did not think I would survive. I promise you I thought I was the one who was broken forever – the outlier who was too damaged to ever heal. I promise you I could see no light at the end of that very long tunnel. But I am here today, stronger than I have ever been in my life, happier than I have ever been in my life, and I have absolutely no doubt that you can make it there too.

 

Thank you to the BenzoBuddies site. Thank you to users Parker and Maranatha who gave me a lot of much needed support, reassurance, guidance, and inspiration early on through their posts and PMs.

 

Hang in there, buddies. I am absolutely no one from nowhere. There is nothing unique or special about me. If I can make it through what I endured, I have no doubt that you can make it through what you are enduring.

 

In solidarity,

 

Dave

 

edit: disallowed content removed

 

Thank you for this... I need it

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thank you for posting your story. Made me cry as I'm hurting today - need these stories so much.

Strength for another day.

 

Katrina

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Sunny day, Katrina,

 

Thank you both for taking the time to read the success story, it means a lot.

 

Please keep hanging in there, pushing through as best you can. There is much hope to be had.

 

I often found that my darkest hours, days, or weeks were followed by much brighter periods - even though only fleeting at first. And it was cyclical in this way until the cycle was broken.

 

I wish you both, and everyone, abundant health and healing.

 

Dave

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