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Dave,

 

I have another question if that is okay.

Did you have derealization/depersonalization? Did you have feeling of detachment from your surroundings or yourself?

It's hard to describe, but even when my symptoms are the mildest they get at the moment I always still feel off, I feel disconnected from myself, the people I love, my surroundings. I don't feel like I'm quiet "there", present. Rather I watch everything through a glass wall and my emotions etc feel very distant. When I look in the mirror I don't quiet recognize myself. Sometimes I worry that I have just lost myself, that I will never know who I actually am anymore, if that makes sense.

 

All your replies in this thread give me reassurance, thank you for being here for us to share your story. Hope you are well!

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starfishing: Any and all questions are ok, feel free!

 

Oh wow, I had that same exact experience - looking into the mirror and not quite recognizing myself. It was like I was looking at a caricature of myself, or an only somewhat familiar version of myself. The DP/DR was really bad; disorientating and unsettling. The emotional detachment and blunting was so unpleasant. In a previous response to Tom, I'd talked about watching films to actually precipitate the release of tears. Even when I did so and reaped the neuro-chemical benefits of crying, I still felt detached from the sadness/compassion that precipitated the tears. It was a gradual return when I could say "Hey, that's me, that's Dave" in the mirror and when my emotions and sense of being felt directly correlated to myself. The beauty now is that post-withdrawal, having experienced that detachment and re-attachment, I now feel like I know myself better than I ever have.

 

This doesn't exactly relate to your question, but was something that remembering the mirror-looking brought back. I used to see unsettling things in patterns. For example the tile floor in my bathroom has patterned tiles and I used to see disturbing faces in the patterns and it would completely freak me out. I had mild hallucinations like that.

 

Thanks for checking in starfishing, and hang in there.

 

Dave

 

 

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starfishing: Any and all questions are ok, feel free!

 

Even when I did so and reaped the neuro-chemical benefits of crying, I still felt detached from the sadness/compassion that precipitated the tears.

 

that is exactly how I feel, too. It feels like my body is reacting to things, but I kind of watch it happen from outside. It doesn't feel like it is really me that is reacting, like the emotions are not mine.

Thank you, again and again, for caring. I will come back to this thread to reread all of this when needed.

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Again Dave a great testimonial one question I do have when did you reach your turning point when the Symptoms  started to fade ?when  did you start to get better and you felt that you were recovered?
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bluepm: Thanks, man. I'll tell you what I remember. Tolerance withdrawal was entering acute withdrawal starting February 2012 - merged fully into acute withdrawal when I discontinued in June 2012. That was an unrelenting physical beatdown followed by intrusive thoughts of self and outward harm. From June 2012 through the whole of October 2012, it was complete and utter mental disarray. I have almost no memory of that full period running 2/2012-10/2012. Windows started in earnest around the end of November 2012. First, windows were maybe a day a week and for some reason, between the hours of 6 and 9pm. They'd last minutes, or sometimes and hour. That lasted until about early March of 2013. The windows during that time would last a day, or two and be followed by 2-3 weeks of back-to-hell. It was almost clockwork. By the end of 2013, that balance had shifted to 2-3 weeks of window followed by a week or two of back-to-hell. So it was momentous healing after about the 1 year mark. 2014 saw most of the benzo symptoms disappear an that is when I started tapering the mirtazapine in earnest. But I felt I'd recovered from benzo withdrawal sometime in mid-2014. I'm cautious by nature, so always relished the good feelings, but reminded myself that things could change for the worse. Fortunately they did not.

 

Windows for me were never perfect. I considered a window a "quieting" of the symptoms. Particularly the intrusive thoughts, but also the physical symptoms. I found in windows that while the thoughts still often presented themselves, I had the ability to dismiss them as a non-withdrawing person would. I could see the thought as irrational, mentally package it as such, and send it on its way. That is juxtaposed to the waves when the thoughts could not be dismissed and I felt in danger and/or dangerous.

 

In windows, I felt semi-fit for human circulation, I felt valid, I felt nearly human and more hopeful.

 

I hope this helps. Hang in there, sir.

 

Dave

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For me, yes, that sounds right, about 2 years. I know everyone has heard it before, but it's different for everyone. I should emphasize though that it wasn't two years of pure mental and physical pain - that was about a year. The second year was enjoyable windows and regrettable waves intermittently. I had been on benzos for a long time, psychiatric drugs for all but 6 years of my life at that point, and I did not taper smartly, which I'm sure came into play with both the severity and duration of my personal withdrawal process.

 

Nothing is left from that, bluepm. Not a symptom remains. I have a different kind of strength as a result of surviving it, but it is a distant memory now. That strength no one can take from me. It formed in the molten fires of my temporary deconstruction. I thought I'd have some form of PTSD, and maybe I did for awhile. But that has gone too. I couldn't talk about all this stuff for a long while.

 

Since I wrote this success story, I've been reflecting more on the whole experience. At the moment, I am halfway through mowing my yard. I've been thinking about that time... I remember trying to mow in withdrawal. My kids were in the yard and I had intrusive thoughts of running them over with the mower. My Dad had been over visiting that day, the yard was overgrown. I was on the couch where I spent a lot of my time. My Dad thought withdrawal was a joke even though I'd lost 50lbs and looked like a skeleton. His advice was go do some yard work. He didn't understand. Most people who don't walk this road don't understand. It is a lonely avenue, but watch for that fork in the road where it all starts to change. I believe that comes to everyone eventually if we can hang in there.

 

Dave

 

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Hi Dave,

 

Thank you for sharing your journey and congratulations on making it to the other side. What an incredible story that's inspiring and encouraging.

 

If I may ask, did you have insomnia as one of your symptom? I don't recall reading about that in your story and was wondering if it was minor for your case?

 

Thank you

PT

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PT, hello.

 

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it as well as the congratulations.

 

The intrusive thoughts I had were actually born of the insomnia. I had the first intrusive thought of spanking my child (which I'd never done) during a night of insomnia. The insomnia was at its worst April 2012 through August 2012. After that time, I had reinstated Mirtazpine and that helped the sleep.

 

Insomnia is horrid. I tried a lot of things to help it, but none proved truly successful. If I grabbed an hour during the night and could fall out for even 10 minutes a few times over the course of a day, that would have been a victory then.

 

During that period, I would awaken from what little sleep I had with a jolt - it was actually an audible snap, or bang. It was internal. BANG, and I'd be panting in panic usually immediately followed by vomiting and then crying.

 

But yes, I think the reinstatement of the Mirtazapine coupled with a fairly high dose of magnesium glycinate helped the insomnia period pass.

 

I had a slight uptick in the insomnia again after I tapered the Mirtazapine, but it was short-lived.

 

Thanks again for reading and writing.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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How long did your tinnitus last?  It has been more than 3 years since I withdrew from Clonazepam, and tinnitus has been my worst and longest lasting symptom.  I also have a burning mouth, but I had that problem prior to benzos (over 7 years now).  I have lost all hope that I will ever feel normal again. Every day I wish I would die.  :'(
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Congrats on your success and thank you for answeing so many questions. It is truly  gives hope to those of us still struggling. I am curious, how did your dizziness and lightheadedness go away. Im 9 months off ativan and dizziness and lightheadedness along with cog fog are my most persistent symptoms. Did these symptoms gradually fade away? Thank you again for spending time helping those of us trying to follow in your footsteps!

Fp

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iwsth: I'm so sorry you are suffering as you are from the burning mouth sensations and the tinnitus. My tinnitus was present all through withdrawal, but was one of the symptoms that was intermittent. It would come and it would go. It has gone away completely now. I hope yours will also. I know how interminable and hopeless things can seem. The non-stop suffering distorts time and drains us of the will to live. I will wish that you live, free from the suffering.

 

Fp1984: Thank you so much for the congratulations, I appreciate it. I'm glad to answer questions. I think the true benefit of these peer support sites lies in the documentation. Each of us are a case study. If the medical community and/or the pharmaceutical industrial complex isn't going to step up on this stuff, then we need to share our stories.

 

The dizziness and lightheadedness was actually my first symptom before I went into full tolerance withdrawal. It had been increasing for a long time before February 2012. It was unsettling and caused a lot of anxiety. I felt like I was going to pass out often. I never did, but I felt like it. Walking from my work desk to the bathroom, I felt like I was walking on the deck of a ship in rough seas. Of course when I mentioned this to my doctor, they had me doing all these exercises for positional vertigo that did absolutely nothing because the problem was with the drugs I was taking, not some organic cause. The worst thing was if I crouched down to do anything and stood up. Like if I were picking strawberries or working in my garden and stood up, the whole world would spin like a top and I thought I was going to go down hard.

 

Also, I had a symptom along with the lightheadedness and dizziness which I called "lead-head." My head felt heavy, like it was full of lead. Like I wouldn't be able to support it. I felt weighted.

 

The dizziness persisted through tolerance and into acute withdrawal. It improved as I healed, but it did persist. I also believe that Mirtazapine contributed to it. So after benzo withdrawal, when I had cautiously tapered below 5mg of Mirtazapine, that is about the time the dizziness disappeared. The "lead-head" sensation was definitely benzo withdrawal and disappeared first. And the lightheadedness and dizziness moved on later as I said above.

 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Thanks Dave and congratulations! I needed to hear this, im at the stage where i am waking every morning vomiting and dry reaching and cant see the tunnel! I was also on mirtazipine and hated my psych for prescribing it but deeply down new i needed something. Im just now starting to have adrenalin surges and feel if i panic again ill be doomed.

 

I struggle with its my anxiety or withdrawal and just feel hopeless.xx

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Zzub92 Thanks so much for reading my story and writing as well. I’m so sorry about your mornings, I remember them well :( Just a horrible thing.

 

When are you getting those spikes of adrenaline? Is it a morning thing? If so, that’s probably the cortisol cycle messing with you. Peak cortisol usually happens in the very early morning. I was super reactive to it. I actually started setting my alarm to get up before the brunt of it hit me. I found it easier to tolerate if I was already awake. I keep that schedule to this day.

 

Please try to remain hopeful. I thought I was doomed. The horrors we face in withdrawal are something no one should ever endure. But healing happens even to those of us who get dealt withdrawal hard, fast, and sustained. I’d been on prescribed pharmaceuticals for most of my life, had been on benzos for over a decade, and tapered really wrong. The pain came and stayed. Longer than I would have liked. But the pain did leave.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Thanks Dave,

Your awesome taking time to answer everyone's questions!

I do get a bit of a spike at night but have put that down to fear ive developed living alone although have support close by.

But your idea of getting up earlier in the morning before it hits sounds good, as I've been trying to lay there and get that extra hours sleep.

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Hey Dave,

 

i have never been on benzos, but i took lots of ADs for the periods of 10-15 days despairly and never tapered them(CT), i have been far away 2 months from them and  i am on mirtazapine  daily tapering now.

 

I am now living such symptoms my brain has a traffic that some electricity signals replace from one point to another, i dont have a fever but my brain has some heat more than usual. The others you know about it, the feeling of lose self control, stimulated nerves on the body that gives anxiety(esp. Face,arm,throat etc).

 

Did you live such symptoms? Are these normal. I try to plan 15 mg remeron DMT in 100 days. What do you say about them? Thank you

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juneight, hey.

 

How long have you been on the Mirtazapine? And that is the only medication you are on? It sounds like you have been on several ADs in very short-order. Drawing back on my own experience (because I am not a medical professional), it sounds like your nervous system is sensitized based on the symptoms you are experiencing. I would consider a much slower taper from the Mirtazapine in order to allow your nervous system to stabilize between cuts. I personally cut no more than 10% my Mirtazapine dose every 30 days, and held if I did not feel stable enough to cut. It took longer to get off, but I didn't experience severe withdrawal symptoms because of that caution I exercised.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Dave,

 

Congratulations for breaking free and not only reclaiming your life but getting to a happier one.  It’s so very special that you came back to share your success and experience.  Sincere thanks for doing so.  I can imagine that it would be something you’d want to leave in your past, once it’s over and why so many don’t come back to report how great life is.  So thank you so, so much for sharing with us.

 

You’ve given me hope and inspiration.  I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this and spent so much of your life drugged.  I empathize greatly.  Have been polydrugged for 25 years starting at age 19.  Crawling out of it slowly but steadily.  The benzo tolerance, CT and now taper  is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.  Last drug to go!  So happy for your freedom and to hear it really can be and is better on the other side! 

 

Best Wishes and Big Love,

 

Uni ❤️

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Thank you Dave for sharing your wonderful success story. It means more to me than I have words available to say. Many blessings to you and enjoy a beautiful life that you so deserve!
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Hello Dave,

Thank you so much for taking the time to come back and share your well written and detailed success story. Also thank you for responding to all the questions posted by those of us who are still struggling; your answers are really very helpful and invaluable.  I am sorry you were poly drugged  at an earlier age and suffered a lot from these dangerous drugs.  With your determination to get well, you are now on the other side enjoying your freedom and healthy life. Congratulations and I am so very happy for you.

 

My sincere thanks again for giving us inspiration and hope that we will also heal and attain recovery when the right time comes.

 

Blessings!

Pi

 

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Unicorn74, TaterTot91, Pi236, thank you for the morning blast of congratulations, blessing, hugs, love, and compassion. I feel most fortunate to start my day with these messages. :)

 

Without question, withdrawal was the most difficult challenge of my life. There were so many times I felt completely alone and I felt broken beyond broken. I was, in my mind, absolutely certain that somehow some particular aspect of my withdrawal - be it the long term nature of use, the mismanagement of my taper, or the sheer ferocity of my symptoms - had “ruled me out” for healing. I am so thankful I was wrong.

 

I’m thankful to be able to share my experience. There is so much reason to have hope and even more, to expect healing. Our nervous systems are amazing in their ability to heal. Our challenge is to endure as best we can and hang in there both when the waves crash in, and recede.

 

You know, I have this kind of crazy work meeting coming today that before withdrawal, and certainly during withdrawal, would have been impossible. I am not completely and utterly without anxiety. But I have that mechanism back in place that keeps the anxiety within a normal level. And with messages of positivity like yours, it is quelled even more. So I’ll head into the day like that :)

 

Hang in there all,

 

Dave

 

 

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THANK YOU now-power!  And everyone else who has contributed to this thread in such an honest, direct way...many familiar names whose journeys have made my heart break at times, and comforted me knowing I'm not alone these last eight months.  I needed this so bad today! 

 

You've given me more hope today for healing than I have ever had!  I am so glad you came back to tell your story!  Sad to see you were edited, but I understand.  There are so many sx that go untalked about, that can make us feel like so incredibly isolated and alone.

 

:thumbsup: to all of us!

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Welchie, hello.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and for writing. I am only too happy if this lent some comfort to you on a day you needed it. :) It's such a tremendous, all-encompassing and simultaneously intense and painful journey. But there is a finish line. I never thought it would come for me, but it has. And I know it will come for you as well with time and diligence, and by taking good care of your mind and body to facilitate the healing that is already happening.

 

The editing of the thread is understood. In fact after the first edit was made, I requested a second of my own accord as I recognize that certain topics can be triggering and difficult to be subjected to in the fragile states that withdrawal puts us in. I had very intense intrusive thoughts and I think it can probably be left at that. I only want people to know they are so, so, sooooooo not alone in dealing with that symptom if they are. And that recovery is truly within reach, even from the lowest and darkest states.

 

Hang in there you!  :)

 

Dave

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[26...]

You have no idea how much your story has helped me today. I’m suffering so much on my taper and these posts help to keep me alive.

 

Thank you SO much. This is a beautifully written story and I can tell you suffered immensely. I LOVE the parts that say bits of you died off but in a good way... that’s how I view withdrawal too.

 

Thank you so so so much. We need more of these stories.

 

Can I ask what made you hesitate to write your success story in the first place? Is it just because you has forgotten about withdrawal?

 

❤️

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Tweed8, hey.

 

I'm thankful my story helped you today. :) Thank you for checking in, for taking the time to read it. Quite honestly, anything anyone going through this can glean from my own struggles adds value to my having gone through it. It is a dividend that can be paid forward to others like you. That feels like a gift to me.

 

I felt so lost and so alone during withdrawal. Life is a rough room as it is. Being human is always throwing us challenges. During withdrawal, I literally felt that pieces of me were being chisled off. And not in small, refining pieces. I quite honestly felt like I was losing myself in massive chunks. And at the time, I really mourned that. But then...

 

Healing started happening. And I felt like pices of me were being added back. Except they weren't the same. They were new as a result of the hardship I endured. They seemed stronger, more rooted in appreciation, more pliable, more attentive to detail. It's hard to admit it sometimes, but there are some end-results of having gone through withdrawal that I am grateful for.

 

When I was fairly certain benzo withdrawal had ended a few years ago, I hesitated to write the success story because I still feared that things would fall apart again. I was uncertain. It was like standing on new legs. Funny enough, long before I was well, when I was still in the pit of benzo withdrawal, I wrote a success story as a form of postive forward-thinking. I visualized what healing might be like and wrote the story from that perspective. But when I truly was healed, insecurity over whether "is this healing real?" caused me to pause.

 

And then, well, I started fully living again. Not being bound by taking the drugs themselves, and not being bound by withdrawal, I was able to advance in my career, I was able to go to restaurants and performances again, I was able to socialize and exercise, and time did what it does; kept on moving and shaking.

 

Someone sent me a PM a while back. I hadn't been on the site in years. And that person told me that at some point, I should really consider writing my success story. I wanted to do that. For a chronicling of my own recovery, in addition to putting it out there for other people to consider as they make their own ways to better days.

 

They'll come, the better days. :)

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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