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Hello Buddies,

 

At the urging of another member on this site, I am going to write my success story in hopes that in some way it will help you on your own journeys. I know when I started on the site, success stories were very important for me to read, even if I did not believe in the least that I would ever see the day I'd write one myself.

 

To briefly recap my own misadventures that initially led me to this site, I'd been on psychiatric medications for over 30 years. My parents had started me on them when I was about 6 years old. Drugs that are now considered barbaric and are largely not prescribed anymore were swallowed in an attempt to break me of inherent shyness, lack of performance in school, and anxiety. In the early 90s as a teenager, I was first prescribed Ativan with unlimited refills and no understanding whatsoever of the implications of long-term use. I'd successfully stopped taking Ativan in what was a near cold-turkey in 2004. In 2008 when anxiety again presented me with some issues, my Dr. prescribed Xanax at .25 mg to take "as needed." I kept the dosage at .25 mg and took this generally 3 to 5 times per week. When my anxiety got worse in February 2012, the Dr. decided to put me on a steady dose of Ativan. 2 to 2.5 mg daily to be taken w/ the Xanax and the Mirtazapine I'd been taking since 1997. I very rapidly developed a tolerance to the Ativan and Xanax and realizing what had happened, I decided to taper despite my Dr.'s idea that I should simply increase the dose because it was "obvious my anxiety was getting worse and I required a stronger dose." My doctor did not believe in withdrawal syndrome. When I indicated I would not increase the dose and would be quitting, the Dr. told me there was no need to taper. Just told me to stop or if anything, take two weeks at half the doses and then stop. I ended up doing a fairly fast taper and was off of the benzos in 6 weeks. My last dose of any benzo was June 21, 2012.

 

What happened after that was nearly fatal. I was hospitalized 2 days after my last dose. After my first release from the hospital, I'd be hospitalized a second time within a month. And in the hospital, the doctors wanted me to go right back onto the Benzos. Again, the doctors inside the hospital had know knowledge of withdrawal syndrome. As I had self-admitted to the hospital both times, I was able to decline more benzos, but tried a whole medicine cabinet full of other pharmaceuticals. Let me explain why I chose to try all of these other drugs.

 

My worst symptom was one that doesn't often get much mention. I think this is for a few reasons. I think people are ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it. And I think in a forum setting, there are liability concerns. This is understandable, but does little to quell the fears of those who experience the symptom I will now discuss.

 

 

 

Nothing the hospital did for me helped at all. If anything, some of the other drugs made things worse and I never stayed on any of them. And most of the advice I received led me to believe that in my then mid-30s, I quite suddenly gone insane. One open-minded psychiatrist helped me understand that intrusive thoughts are a part of human nature. We all have them, and often, but we are usually able to dismiss them so they don't become repetitive and therefore a problem. Withdrawal made them a repetitive problem. The other thing the psychiatrist helped me understand was that as long as I was terrified, mortified, and horrified by the thoughts, I was unlikely to act on them. True psychopaths have little-to-no remorse or shame for the thoughts they have, and therefore are not disturbed by them in the least. I was disturbed by them to no end. They were my torture.

 

 

I will list some of the other symptoms I had shortly. But before I do, I will say that my healing came in waxing and waning windows and waves. First, these windows and waves were literally by the moment. Then they stretched to better days. Then better months. And then all of the symptoms finally went away. This was over the course of 3 very long years. After Benzo withdrawal seemed to have passed, I then slowly, slowly, SLOWLY, tapered off the Mirtazapine and am now, completely drug free.

 

Other symptoms I endured:

 

 

-Benzo belly/Intense Stomach Cramping/loss of appetite

-Severe weight loss from 175lbs down to 125lbs in less than 3 months

-Woke up daily for nearly a year vomiting and crying

-Depression and Anxiety

-Went through a period of not being able to cry at all

-Vision problems, eye straining, distorted vision reflexes

-Uncontrollable muscle twitching that resembled a horse trying to shake a fly off its coat

-Akathisia and restless legs

-Tinnitus

-Nocturnal emissions (wet dreams)

-Dizziness, shortness of breath, and chest pains

-Elevated pulse and blood pressure

-Severe constipation

-And many, many, many more.

 

Drugs and supplements tried during withdrawal:

 

-Seroquel - Made things worse

-Risperidone - Made things worse

-Prozac - made things super-worse

-Gabapentin - Didn't help, but wasn't agitating - some increase in depression

-Mirtazapine - Was already on it, used for the duration of withdrawal and then slowly, slowly tapered

-Gaba - Didn't help, didn't hurt

-Fish Oil - Very helpful early

-Magnessium Glycinate - Very helpful early

-L-Theanine/Gaba - Didn't help, didn't hurt

-I'm probably forgetting some.

 

I have not had an alcoholic beverage since withdrawal began in 2012. I use no recreational drugs. I do drink coffee. I can no longer do intense cardiovascular activity as I find it too stimulating, but do light cardio and very heavy weight lifting.

 

Anyway, this is getting wordy, but this is my story, Buddies. As so many of us do, I went through the deepest, darkest, most terrifying pits of hell. And on some level, I feel like big portions of me died off in the process. But far from that being a bad thing, I think it was a second chance at life, or at least a “reset button.” In my mid-40s now, I take nothing for granted - nothing. Every symptom I had in withdrawal is gone. Did you hear that? What came with withdrawal, left with withdrawal. It is all gone, a distant memory in my rearview. And I am in better physical shape and better emotional shape than I have ever been in my entire life. Is my life perfect? No, whose is. But my life is great. It is likely the drugs I was on from early childhood onward were creating and/or exacerbating the symptoms that I continued to treat. And in being off all drugs, I feel I am finally getting to know who I am as a human - unclouded. I am thankful for this. And while I wouldn't wish withdrawal on my worst enemy, nor would I ever wish to endure what I went through again, I can't say that I am completely ungrateful for the hard-won lessons the torment and anguish taught me.

 

I promise you I did not think I would survive. I promise you I thought I was the one who was broken forever – the outlier who was too damaged to ever heal. I promise you I could see no light at the end of that very long tunnel. But I am here today, stronger than I have ever been in my life, happier than I have ever been in my life, and I have absolutely no doubt that you can make it there too.

 

Thank you to the BenzoBuddies site. Thank you to users Parker and Maranatha who gave me a lot of much needed support, reassurance, guidance, and inspiration early on through their posts and PMs.

 

Hang in there, buddies. I am absolutely no one from nowhere. There is nothing unique or special about me. If I can make it through what I endured, I have no doubt that you can make it through what you are enduring.

 

In solidarity,

 

Dave

 

edit: disallowed content removed

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Thank you so very  much for posting this and congratulations on your healing and success. Reading things like this helps me to have hope that one day I will be okay.
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Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.
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nowpower thank you for a well written success story. It gives us all hope. I wish you the very best in life.

 

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Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.

 

I literally read this success story and thought of you and how desperate you’ve been to find someone who can relate. This makes my heart happy. I hope this gives you some hope for the future!! This drug is so powerful but people do heal!!!  Well wishes!

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[09...]
Hello dear mirt survivor!!! You are my model! We have talked on s.a. a few times!!! Thank you so much!!! So glad you are free!!!
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thank you for writing this story and congratulations for your success, I hope you will have many many amazing days!
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Thank you for writing this. I've been dealing with the disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses for a long time now and nobody will talk about them on this forum. I've had thoughts of wanting to swallow my wedding ring and taking a razor blade to my achilles tendons. All sorts of stuff. I won't get into the thoughts and feelings I've had towards others. It's the most disturbing symptom that doesn't seem to have an end in sight for me. All I know is I've moved away from feeling suicidal to feeling rage/anger and that's where the intrusive thoughts are going to now.

 

I literally read this success story and thought of you and how desperate you’ve been to find someone who can relate. This makes my heart happy. I hope this gives you some hope for the future!! This drug is so powerful but people do heal!!!  Well wishes!

 

Thank you. The thing about it is none of the other symptoms really matter when you are dealing with anger and intrusive thoughts. The physical stuff like neuropathy don't matter to me in the slightest. I almost welcome the manageable physical stuff because it shows I'm still in withdrawal. The angry and weird intrusive thoughts are all consuming.

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Outstanding success story! I've followed your posts on the mirt thread since I'll be tapering it soon. When I was polydrugged with ambien, trazodone and mirt I was so out of it that I thought your name was non-power. It took me a while to realize that it was now-power. Now you have the power to have a great life. :thumbsup:

 

I have a question. Did you have any teeth/gum stuff when you were taking mirt?

 

Becky

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Thank you all so much for your congratulations, I really hope my story helps give some rightfully deserved hope to anyone who reads it. You are ALL heroes in my book, no matter where you are at in your withdrawal. I don't say that lightly. Because you are doing your personal best to get through what may arguably prove to be the most daunting process in your life. You are weathering a storm like no other.

 

To address a couple comments:

 

boomboxboy21: I'm right onboard with you in terms of the physical symptoms vs. the intrusive thoughts and impulses. I'd have taken the other symptoms x 5 over those thoughts - because they made me feel unfit for human circulation. They made me feel unworthy to be with other humans. Even the suicidal ideation was more comfortable than the outwardly directed thoughts. It doesn't trigger me anymore to talk about them. Early on, talking about the thoughts, thinking back on them, it would all trigger me something awful. It was too much. But now, having had many years to think back on them, they don't have the same effect. And I am willing to talk about that symptom because those thoughts were not me. I'd never had a thought even close to those kinds of thoughts prior to withdrawal. I am a gentle, peaceable human and have never been aggressive nor prone to violence. I am an imperfect human like anyone, but not malicious. That's how I knew the thoughts were a product of something else. That, and they terrified me worse than anything ever had. I am not ashamed of having had those thoughts. And I don't fear people who are going through this process having them too. Because they are the product of a nervous system that has become unregulated by the damage these drugs have wrought. And if we don't have dialogue surrounding them, we feel isolated, broken, and hopeless. You are a worthy human sir, these thoughts are not you. They do not reflect who you are, nor who you will be.

 

Becky123: What type of teeth/gum stuff are you dealing with? I know that in both benzo and mirt withdrawal, I had random tooth pain. But that was about as much as I can recall. I am a bit obsessive when it comes to my oral hygiene, so take good care of my pearly whites. But I do remember sharp and random pain in certain cycles of the withdrawal process. What doesn't hurt and what isn't messed up during withdrawal?  :)

 

Anyway, I wanted to address those few things and thank you all for your kind feedback and well-wishes.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

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Hey bluepm, thanks for reading, thanks for taking the time.

 

I tried to employ some of the techniques that are associated with cognitive restructuring or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That was a rather hit-or-miss endeavor. As my nervous system was so unregulated, there were no solid stopping mechanisms to quell the onslaught of thoughts. I could not read nor watch TV nor listen to music for a good part of withdrawal, those would have been good distraction if I could. Meditation was very hard as well.

 

I was in therapy with an understanding psychologist for much of the time, which also offered me a place to talk and get reassurance.

 

Quieting the nervous system with magnesium was somewhat helpful as well. At the worst of it, I removed myself from my home and family and lived with a co-worker for a period of time. Basically doing odd jobs and holing up in their guest room. That did not help. The thoughts were inescapable. No matter where I went, I would either ruminate over those people I left behind, or develop new thoughts and impulses around my new environment. I couldn't work for 3 months, and worked remotely for a half a year afterward. That was avoidance in a sense, but it made me feel safer to a degree.

 

Honestly, the only way I got through it was to bear it and suffer it. And that often left me in a broken pile of tears, but I had to do it - there was no other choice. Trust me, I doubted healing every single day. I was so scared, it is really hard to even verbalize. What a lot of people who don't experience this symptom directly don't understand is that if you are having these violent thoughts and impulses with them, you almost feel as if you are filled with iron ore and being magnetically pulled towards the impulses. Like if you are walking through a construction site and you see a hammer, you almost feel like you are being pulled to pick it up and attack someone with it. Or if you are driving past pedestrians, you feel like you are being pulled to steer the car in their direction. It is really an almost physical sensation. And you sense yourself pulling away from it, and it feels like effort. And that then results in a feeling of horror and terror and shame, hence the being left in a broken pile of tears. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before or after.

 

After a certain amount of time, time itself became a tool. My track-record become the testament to my safety. Because I'd had the thoughts for so long, and never so much as lifted a finger once, that I was able to come to acknowledge the thoughts and impulses for what they were - misfires from my brain. Neurology gone awry. And then the natural progression of healing took care of the rest.

 

And as for dealing with the anxiety, again, this began to burn itself out as my brain developed the regulating mechanisms that had been temporarily disabled by having taken the drugs for so long, and that had been withdrawn from so wrong.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

 

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Exactly, unfit for human circulation. Never had anything resembling this before in any way. I understand what you're talking about with the feeling of a magnetism pulling you to acting on these thoughts. I had them too when I was feeling SI. I thought my body was going to force me to jump from a window. I'm actually separated from my family this week and have to go back. I've been getting nauseous just thinking about it. I feel like the longer I go without being around them, the more likely it will be that I will never want to go back. I feel like I need to at least see them in short bursts the best I can until this passes. I can say that I'm having intrusive thoughts toward everybody, but it's much more scary with my family.

 

I am really scared of starting my new job in a month. Last year, at this time, I felt like school actually helped me because I felt I had developed monophobia and needed to be around people at all times. Now I feel like I don't want to see or be around anybody. I keep repeating the same question to my wife and mother: "What if I can't work next year?"

 

 

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Hi Dave,

 

I was wondering how you dealt with the Akathisia?

Did you have cognitive impairments too? I'm dealing with some brain fog, blurry vision, trouble concentrating, memory is very wacky, ….

 

 

I know you've already said that all symptoms have gone. But I guess I just need to know that these specific ones actually did, if you had them.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story here!

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Hey starfishing, thank you for taking the time to read, and for writing, appreciated. Your questions actually helped me to remember a couple more symptoms.

 

My memory and cognition was very bad, the brain-fog was horrendous. Memory-wise, basically the entire period of time from 5/2012 through about 1/2013 is lost to history. And from 1/2013 through the middle of 2014 is better, but spotty. I have no solid memories from that period. The only reason I have any recollection of symptoms and withdrawal-related events is because on the advice of a therapist, I journaled my daily symptoms and their severity and read this a couple years later (many tears reading those notes). Unfortunately, I lost that journal (it was a digital file that got corrupted), but I was familiar enough with it to have the recollection I do. But the bottom line was that in acute withdrawal, my long-term memory was ok, but I was not forming new memories. And when I was first admitted to the hospital, they asked me some basic questions and I could not tell them who the current president was, nor what month it was. I felt like my brain was missing to a degree. My memory and cognition is fully functioning now. I have always had a strong memory. But I did lose that period of time, it is a blank-spot on my cognitive timeline.

 

Akathisia made me feel like if I could have unzipped my skin and jumped out of it and run down the street screaming, I easily would have. It was hard to deal with. I moved if I felt like i needed to. Magnesium did help. Epsom salt baths were useful. For restless legs, I'd prop my feet. I found that if I did a lot of walking during any given day, that exacerbated the Akathisia and restless legs. It's a tough one. A terrible feeling. I didn't have any really awesome solutions, but that symptom left me pretty early on after saying for about 5 months.

 

Another symptom I had was this vibrating feeling in my head. Not brain zaps as happen with anti-depressant withdrawal, but a feeling I can only describe as taking two rubber erasers and dragging them across one another. That sensation was in my head. It was a disturbing feeling.

 

Also, if I pushed my kids on the swings, when the swing would return to be pushed again, it was almost like it was too much for my eyes to take in. It would make me recoil. As would driving. I could not handle the visual input of fast moving objects of any kinds. It felt almost like a manual strain on my eyes, and going from inside to outside and outside to inside was a blinding experience. I would have to wait a long time for my eyes to adjust to a point where I could see much of anything.

 

And finally, burning legs. I remember standing in a grocery the first time it happened and it felt like portions of my legs were on fire. That totally freaked me out.

 

But bottom line, yes, all of these symptoms completely resolved as I stabilized and healed. Some would return for a short period only to disappear again. But I haven't suffered any of these issues in a solid 3 years or more.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

 

 

 

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Hey starfishing, thank you for taking the time to read, and for writing, appreciated. Your questions actually helped me to remember a couple more symptoms.

 

My memory and cognition was very bad, the brain-fog was horrendous. Memory-wise, basically the entire period of time from 5/2012 through about 1/2013 is lost to history. And from 1/2013 through the middle of 2014 is better, but spotty. I have no solid memories from that period. The only reason I have any recollection of symptoms and withdrawal-related events is because on the advice of a therapist, I journaled my daily symptoms and their severity and read this a couple years later (many tears reading those notes). Unfortunately, I lost that journal (it was a digital file that got corrupted), but I was familiar enough with it to have the recollection I do. But the bottom line was that in acute withdrawal, my long-term memory was ok, but I was not forming new memories. And when I was first admitted to the hospital, they asked me some basic questions and I could not tell them who the current president was, nor what month it was. I felt like my brain was missing to a degree. My memory and cognition is fully functioning now. I have always had a strong memory. But I did lose that period of time, it is a blank-spot on my cognitive timeline.

 

Akathisia made me feel like if I could have unzipped my skin and jumped out of it and run down the street screaming, I easily would have. It was hard to deal with. I moved if I felt like i needed to. Magnesium did help. Epsom salt baths were useful. For restless legs, I'd prop my feet. I found that if I did a lot of walking during any given day, that exacerbated the Akathisia and restless legs. It's a tough one. A terrible feeling. I didn't have any really awesome solutions, but that symptom left me pretty early on after saying for about 5 months.

 

Another symptom I had was this vibrating feeling in my head. Not brain zaps as happen with anti-depressant withdrawal, but a feeling I can only describe as taking two rubber erasers and dragging them across one another. That sensation was in my head. It was a disturbing feeling.

 

Also, if I pushed my kids on the swings, when the swing would return to be pushed again, it was almost like it was too much for my eyes to take in. It would make me recoil. As would driving. I could not handle the visual input of fast moving objects of any kinds. It felt almost like a manual strain on my eyes, and going from inside to outside and outside to inside was a blinding experience. I would have to wait a long time for my eyes to adjust to a point where I could see much of anything.

 

And finally, burning legs. I remember standing in a grocery the first time it happened and it felt like portions of my legs were on fire. That totally freaked me out.

 

But bottom line, yes, all of these symptoms completely resolved as I stabilized and healed. Some would return for a short period only to disappear again. But I haven't suffered any of these issues in a solid 3 years or more.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

 

 

Thank you so much, Dave, for taking your time to write this long answer - it's very helpful. I will come back to this thread a lot when I need some reassurance.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. It sounds really frightening.

 

So glad you are doing well for so long. I wish you all the best for your future!

 

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Hey bluepm, thanks for reading, thanks for taking the time.

 

I tried to employ some of the techniques that are associated with cognitive restructuring or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That was a rather hit-or-miss endeavor. As my nervous system was so unregulated, there were no solid stopping mechanisms to quell the onslaught of thoughts. I could not read nor watch TV nor listen to music for a good part of withdrawal, those would have been good distraction if I could. Meditation was very hard as well.

 

I was in therapy with an understanding psychologist for much of the time, which also offered me a place to talk and get reassurance.

 

Quieting the nervous system with magnesium was somewhat helpful as well. At the worst of it, I removed myself from my home and family and lived with a co-worker for a period of time. Basically doing odd jobs and holing up in their guest room. That did not help. The thoughts were inescapable. No matter where I went, I would either ruminate over those people I left behind, or develop new thoughts and impulses around my new environment. I couldn't work for 3 months, and worked remotely for a half a year afterward. That was avoidance in a sense, but it made me feel safer to a degree.

 

Honestly, the only way I got through it was to bear it and suffer it. And that often left me in a broken pile of tears, but I had to do it - there was no other choice. Trust me, I doubted healing every single day. I was so scared, it is really hard to even verbalize. What a lot of people who don't experience this symptom directly don't understand is that if you are having these violent thoughts and impulses with them, you almost feel as if you are filled with iron ore and being magnetically pulled towards the impulses. Like if you are walking through a construction site and you see a hammer, you almost feel like you are being pulled to pick it up and attack someone with it. Or if you are driving past pedestrians, you feel like you are being pulled to steer the car in their direction. It is really an almost physical sensation. And you sense yourself pulling away from it, and it feels like effort. And that then results in a feeling of horror and terror and shame, hence the being left in a broken pile of tears. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before or after.

 

After a certain amount of time, time itself became a tool. My track-record become the testament to my safety. Because I'd had the thoughts for so long, and never so much as lifted a finger once, that I was able to come to acknowledge the thoughts and impulses for what they were - misfires from my brain. Neurology gone awry. And then the natural progression of healing took care of the rest.

 

And as for dealing with the anxiety, again, this began to burn itself out as my brain developed the regulating mechanisms that had been temporarily disabled by having taken the drugs for so long, and that had been withdrawn from so wrong.

 

Hang in there,

 

Dave

replace insecure thoughts with secure thoughts I guess is one way of looking at it
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Dave,

Great post on your journey. Had very similar occurrences myself, and like you thought I was crazy and would never ever recover. Like you, in many ways I am better than ever, wish the drugs hadn't stolen years of my life, but so thankful to be alive again! Good luck to you!!!

 

B strong

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Dave, thank you from my heart for coming back with the gift of your story. Your background sounds almost exactly like mine. Words can't do justice to what you went through, I know -- and to the courage it took to get to the other side. Bowing to you in respect....

 

My intrusive thoughts take the form of unspeakably severe phobias which have left me mostly nonfunctional for a long time now. It's hard to believe we can come back from that, so I'll keep your story close as a reminder.

 

I also suffer badly from the shame and isolation you describe. The terror is too great for me to verbalize the phobias, so I relate to feeling broken, alone, and different.... Like 'damaged goods'. Your post is validating and very healing to me.

 

Thank you again, Dave. It's just wonderful to hear in what a truly well place you are, stronger and happier than you've ever been, and that you're appreciating every little thing! I wish you a lifetime of just that. Endless peace and happiness.

 

Wildflower

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B strong: Thank you very much for your kind words, I am so happy you too hung in there and are living again. I wish you the best of luck as well!

 

Wildflower33: I am so sorry for the phobias you are enduring. I had some fairly intense phobias as well, as well as rampant paranoia. I wish you didn't need to suffer yours. The doctors wanted to diagnose me with OCD. I will say that I am a very orderly person, tidy - but I would have never labeled myself OCD. And prior to withdrawal I had health phobias, often thinking minor symptoms of other things were signs of dread disease. I did a lot of "checking." Feeling my glands, inspecting my body for any signs of disorder, etc, etc. I think I had been in tolerance withdrawal for a lot longer than I knew and that many of the health phobias were a result of that. And all of that just intensified in withdrawal. I was agoraphobic (predominately a result of the intrusive thoughts) and didn't work for quite some time. I fortunately had a job that allowed me to work from home until I could get in there and do it again. Oh, and I used to fear partaking in commerce too. I would make other people go into stores and buy things for me, or make them pay (with my money) if I did go into the stores. I don't have any health phobias anymore, nor agoraphobia, nor fear of commerce. Partly I think because I am finally off the benzos and healed from the resulting withdrawal, but also because without exaggeration, withdrawal almost killed me. I don't fear death and health the same way I used to. I cherish life and want to live it, but am now well aware how fast, and how bad, things can go in a volatile direction. I guess you could say withdrawal was "exposure therapy" to some of those fears and phobias I had. I return that bow of respect back to you as you push through to your own accomplishment. Stay strong my friend.

 

Dave

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I could not read nor watch TV nor listen to music for a good part of withdrawal, those would have been good distraction if I could. Meditation was very hard as well.

 

Thanks you for sharing your  story, it gives me  hope which is hard to come by these days. I am also unable to watch TV or listen to music. I have a great deal of anxiety symptoms and strange aversions to almost everything.  Do you remember how long it took before you could enjoy  television  again? I'm  having a really difficult  time with distraction because almost everything  gives me  anxiety. Thanks again!

 

Tom

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Dave - Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I identify with much that you write. I cherish the tiniest moments of peace now (even though there are still very few).... You've made the journey less lonely.

 

I appreciate your message so much. In a very bad wave today, but I will re-read when I can. Blessings to you always.

 

 

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Tom: Hey Tom, thanks for reading my submission, I appreciate it. I had the aversions too. It took a long while before I could enjoy television again. Even longer before I could read. With television, my eyes couldn't handle the visual input and I was triggered by pretty much everything I watched. I started using television therapeutically after about 8 months into acute withdrawal, post-discontinuation. It may sound weird, but I used movies to cry. I had the hardest time crying after a certain point in withdrawal. But every time I managed to cry, it felt really good and often resulted in me having a small window. So I used sad scenes in movies to try and trigger a crying response. I remember the first time I got it to work. I watched a film called "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith. And in that movie, he donated his heart to a woman who needed a transplant. And in a certain scene, I just lost it and the tears came freely. After that, I was able to watch certain shows and movies again. But it took some time before I could actually enjoy television. Hang in there, man.

 

Wildflower33: I'm sorry you are in a wave. How long are yours lasting now? How long are your windows lasting? My withdrawal experience followed a distinct windows and waves pattern. Initially, the waves would last weeks and the windows would be a matter of hours. And as time went on, the waves shortened and the windows lengthened. But the waves always terrified me and for some reason, even after I had been going through it for months, I was always somewhat taken by surprise when I'd go back into a wave. Wishful thinking always lulled me into thinking it was finally over when I was in a window. But then eventually, wishful thinking came true. Hang in there with the wave, you are stronger than you know. Blessings to you as well.

 

Dave

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