Author Topic: Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.  (Read 6550 times)

[Buddie]

Really nice thoughtful SS Dave. Thank you for sharing with us all. Intrusive thoughts tortured me too. And seven years later, they occasionally still pop up. That really is something I dislike but at least now I know how to deal with them.
I love your description of your healing. That was pretty much how it was for me. I began noticing that certain symptoms had just faded away. That gave me hope but even so I still thought I was the worst case ever known on BB. When I did write my SS, I still had a lot of symptoms, mostly DP/DR and I still had severe Fear going on 24/7. But because I also felt I was healing I wrote my SS. Another year passed and then I KNEW I was healed. Took me over three years but I am now just a normal woman who went through something so incredible it defies describing. I know you know what I mean! I took benzos for thirty long years and was forced to go CT off benzos and ADs.  Holy hell broke out within 6 hours after my last dose of Klonapin.

Thank you for sharing. Good job and I am truly glad you feel so much better now.
[...]
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[Buddie]

Hey Dave, I think it takes a special person to come back after youíre out of this nightmare just to give some random internet strangers some hope. I wish you all the best in your life, congrats!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Really nice thoughtful SS Dave. Thank you for sharing with us all. Intrusive thoughts tortured me too. And seven years later, they occasionally still pop up. That really is something I dislike but at least now I know how to deal with them.
I love your description of your healing. That was pretty much how it was for me. I began noticing that certain symptoms had just faded away. That gave me hope but even so I still thought I was the worst case ever known on BB. When I did write my SS, I still had a lot of symptoms, mostly DP/DR and I still had severe Fear going on 24/7. But because I also felt I was healing I wrote my SS. Another year passed and then I KNEW I was healed. Took me over three years but I am now just a normal woman who went through something so incredible it defies describing. I know you know what I mean! I took benzos for thirty long years and was forced to go CT off benzos and ADs.  Holy hell broke out within 6 hours after my last dose of Klonapin.

Thank you for sharing. Good job and I am truly glad you feel so much better now.
[...]

[...], hi.

Thank you so much for the kind words and for taking the time to read my story - I greatly appreciate that - it means a lot. I time-traveled a little bit on your posts, went back to the beginning and read how intense you were having it too all those years ago. I feel I must spin that "good job" around and slide it back to you with interest accrued :)

I remember reading success stories myself when I was in the hard places, to glean what solace I could, to try to convince myself that I too would get there. That was a hard battle. And I never thought my day would come. "Too damaged, for too long, with too many mistakes..." That was the constant needle-skip on the mental record. That was a hard groove to get out of.

Oh, the intrusives for me were the worst. The physical pain was horrid, but the intrusive thoughts were what provided the most exquisite anguish. In a sense though, once those started, I was probably spared the brunt of the physical as I wasn't focused on it - it was the thoughts. Before the thoughts came, the stomach symptoms, cramps (if you can even call it that) weight loss, dizziness, and insomnia were felt viscerally. But the thoughts were like a tsunami that came rushing in and toppled everything.

We held on, right? We hung in there and we did what we could to get through the molasses minutes. And the healing started happening.

I'm really thankful for your post, [...].

Hang in there,

Dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Hey Dave, I think it takes a special person to come back after youíre out of this nightmare just to give some random internet strangers some hope. I wish you all the best in your life, congrats!

[...], hey.

Thank you for the congrats and well wishes, I greatly appreciate that.

It took me some time before I really felt I could face this stuff again. To look at it without it totally freaking me out. It's like climbing to the top of an indescribably steep mountain and being too scared to take in the view once you've finally ascended. Especially with all the bumps, bruises and breaks that came par for the endeavor. It's a lot to take in in retrospect.

We're strangers in a sense. But we have a shared struggle. There were a lot of random people who took the time to reach out to me when everything was collapsing. I'm only too grateful to actually be able to come back and give some hope - and to say "hey, look, this healing stuff, it actually happens, it does, it does!" I had very little hope when I was in the thick. But I now know I could have rightfully kept the hope fires burning a little brighter.

Hang in there,

Dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Could you tell us what your experience with physical pain and muscle issues was like Dave? Itís my most debilitating symptom and the most depressing. Hearing about it from someone who had it and healed means a lot every time.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Could you tell us what your experience with physical pain and muscle issues was like Dave? Itís my most debilitating symptom and the most depressing. Hearing about it from someone who had it and healed means a lot every time.

[...], hello.

The first physical pain I had in withdrawal was while I was still on the benzos and persisted for some time after my discontinuation. That was the benzo belly. Basically for me, if I mustered any appetite whatsoever in the first place, I would experience that most excruciating pain a short while after eating. I would quite literally be doubled over in pain. I've never felt pain like that before or after withdrawal. It felt like the most extreme bloating and cramping. It is indescribable in words. I became so scared of eating because of this, which contributed to the massive amount of weight I lost in just 3 months time. I was still relatively unaware of the issues surrounding benzodiazepine withdrawal and therefore sought medical attention and despite intensive diagnostic evaluations, there was never any pathology to support the symptoms. That particular symptom was my absolute most painful and probably ran from late February 2012 through July 2012, gradually subsiding from August 2012 forward.

The muscle symptoms were many. I'd described before the muscle spasms and twitches and shakes. The muscle spasms were reminiscent of seeing a cow or horse in a field trying to rid themselves of flies. Uncontrollable eruptions of spasms. I had sought some alternative treatments at that time. One of them was called reiki. It's where someone passes their hands over the body in attempt to alter the energy fields around the body. The person administering the reiki was absolutely astounded at what the muscles were doing. It was highly visible. Sometimes my whole body would be involved, as if I had suddenly caught chill and I was shuddering. My hands and arms would shake, or occasionally jerk into a position, or tremor reminiscent of someone with Parkinson's Disease.

I also believe that the focus and eye perception issues I encountered were related to the eye muscles having been affected. When I would push my son on the swing, the swing's return to my waiting hands would make me strain and cringe because the eye muscles were not reacting and adjusting properly to incoming objects. This made driving impossible for a long while. In fact even being a passenger in a car was very uncomfortable. I could not look at the passing surrounds or even the lines painted on the roads were too much for my eyes to handle.

I had facial tics and muscle twitches in my eyelids, cheeks, and my jaw would tremor. It was a full-body experience in that way.

Every single one of those symptoms came with withdrawal and left with withdrawal. Not a single one remains. In the early days those symptoms would wax and wane with the waves and windows interchanging. I'd experience an hour or a day without them, or some would be less severe than others. Then they'd return. Then they'd go again. I was always relieved when they would leave, and horrified all over again when they'd return. I could not convince myself that they'd ever be gone for good. They have been gone for a very long time now.

I'm sorry you are suffering what you are, [...]. I hope some of what I wrote helps in some way.

Hang in there,

Dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Dave, congrats on the wonderful healing and transformation.  Thank you so much for coming back and posting your story.  I am at 31 months and still in the thick of it.  Albeit things are milder than they were, I am still dealing with the constant suckiness. The mornings are still just a grind. From anxiety, flu like symptoms, body aches and fatigue to a very sensitive nervous system.  I am thankful though that @mid-late afternoon these symptoms let up a bit.  Tough sledding during the working hours but I know in due time just like you, I will develop my own success story off of this poisonous drug.  Thanks my friend.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Dave, congrats on the wonderful healing and transformation.  Thank you so much for coming back and posting your story.  I am at 31 months and still in the thick of it.  Albeit things are milder than they were, I am still dealing with the constant suckiness. The mornings are still just a grind. From anxiety, flu like symptoms, body aches and fatigue to a very sensitive nervous system.  I am thankful though that @mid-late afternoon these symptoms let up a bit.  Tough sledding during the working hours but I know in due time just like you, I will develop my own success story off of this poisonous drug.  Thanks my friend.

Hey [...], thank you for checking in and for reading the story, I appreciate that a lot. I'm sorry you're still in the thick of it, but am glad to hear things are at least somewhat milder. Morning through afternoon were always the toughest for me as well. I truly think it has something to do with the cortisol cycle and I remember work, when I returned to it, being a true slog. I'd battle my way through every day and drag myself home. I had those mid-afternoon-evening respites as well. That was always my better time. For a long time, it was nearly every evening between 6 and 7. I felt functional and at least tasted hope. And that small slice of hope I'd grip onto for dear life as my life-raft through to the next.
Hang in there, I will be looking forward to reading that success story, I know it is forthcoming  :)

Dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.
« Reply #58 on: September 23, 2019, 08:47:26 pm »
Thank you for this very honest and open success story. And congratulations on your new life!  I am recently off benzo after a very slow long taper and feeling worse now than the last few months of my taper. It's amazing that even those tiny doses toward the end were doing something.  I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but it has faded again for me.  I do keep reading that ppl all think they are the one who won't recover and they do...I also feel I'm an outlier.  But I know healing was happening toward the end of my taper.  I appreciate how you wrote that you are not unique and, like you, we will all heal.    Yes, we are all anonymous strangers, but we are not random...we are all very similar...ppl suffering thru a common nightmare. Thank you again for the ray of hope!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.
« Reply #59 on: September 25, 2019, 07:50:41 pm »
Thank you for this very honest and open success story. And congratulations on your new life!  I am recently off benzo after a very slow long taper and feeling worse now than the last few months of my taper. It's amazing that even those tiny doses toward the end were doing something.  I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but it has faded again for me.  I do keep reading that ppl all think they are the one who won't recover and they do...I also feel I'm an outlier.  But I know healing was happening toward the end of my taper.  I appreciate how you wrote that you are not unique and, like you, we will all heal.    Yes, we are all anonymous strangers, but we are not random...we are all very similar...ppl suffering thru a common nightmare. Thank you again for the ray of hope!

[...], hey.

thank you so much for taking the time to read the thing, and for writing as well. at certain points in my own process, it was sort of like the light at the end of the tunnel faded in and out. and i know that is discouraging. i'd have a window or a period of windows and then they'd slam shut and it'd be waves for a while... but... when the light of the tunnel spills back into your view, watch for it being even brighter. it builds like that as you progress in your healing.

i am not unique, i am no one from nowhere. just another human who had the misfortune of being on benzos, and suffered the withdrawal consequences. and yes, i thought i was the outlier who'd made too many mistakes to pull myself out. it all came around. it took time and no small amount of suffering, but i am more solid today than at any other point in my life.

hang in there, friend. you'll get there.

dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.