Author Topic: Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.  (Read 4002 times)

[Buddie]

So it two years to recover from the Benzo injury?
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[Buddie]

For me, yes, that sounds right, about 2 years. I know everyone has heard it before, but it's different for everyone. I should emphasize though that it wasn't two years of pure mental and physical pain - that was about a year. The second year was enjoyable windows and regrettable waves intermittently. I had been on benzos for a long time, psychiatric drugs for all but 6 years of my life at that point, and I did not taper smartly, which I'm sure came into play with both the severity and duration of my personal withdrawal process.

Nothing is left from that, [...]. Not a symptom remains. I have a different kind of strength as a result of surviving it, but it is a distant memory now. That strength no one can take from me. It formed in the molten fires of my temporary deconstruction. I thought I'd have some form of PTSD, and maybe I did for awhile. But that has gone too. I couldn't talk about all this stuff for a long while.

Since I wrote this success story, I've been reflecting more on the whole experience. At the moment, I am halfway through mowing my yard. I've been thinking about that time... I remember trying to mow in withdrawal. My kids were in the yard and I had intrusive thoughts of running them over with the mower. My Dad had been over visiting that day, the yard was overgrown. I was on the couch where I spent a lot of my time. My Dad thought withdrawal was a joke even though I'd lost 50lbs and looked like a skeleton. His advice was go do some yard work. He didn't understand. Most people who don't walk this road don't understand. It is a lonely avenue, but watch for that fork in the road where it all starts to change. I believe that comes to everyone eventually if we can hang in there.

Dave

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« Last Edit: July 30, 2019, 05:39:52 pm by [Buddie] »
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[Buddie]

Hi Dave,

Thank you for sharing your journey and congratulations on making it to the other side. What an incredible story that's inspiring and encouraging.

If I may ask, did you have insomnia as one of your symptom? I don't recall reading about that in your story and was wondering if it was minor for your case?

Thank you
PT
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[Buddie]

PT, hello.

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it as well as the congratulations.

The intrusive thoughts I had were actually born of the insomnia. I had the first intrusive thought of spanking my child (which I'd never done) during a [...] of insomnia. The insomnia was at its worst April 2012 through August 2012. After that time, I had reinstated Mirtazpine and that helped the sleep.

Insomnia is horrid. I tried a lot of things to help it, but none proved truly successful. If I grabbed an hour during the [...] and could fall out for even 10 minutes a few times over the course of a day, that would have been a victory then.

During that period, I would awaken from what little sleep I had with a jolt - it was actually an audible snap, or bang. It was internal. BANG, and I'd be panting in panic usually immediately followed by vomiting and then crying.

But yes, I think the reinstatement of the Mirtazapine coupled with a fairly high dose of magnesium glycinate helped the insomnia period pass.

I had a slight uptick in the insomnia again after I tapered the Mirtazapine, but it was short-lived.

Thanks again for reading and writing.

Hang in there,

Dave
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[Buddie]

How long did your tinnitus last?  It has been more than 3 years since I withdrew from Clonazepam, and tinnitus has been my worst and longest lasting symptom.  I also have a burning mouth, but I had that problem prior to benzos (over 7 years now).  I have lost all hope that I will ever feel normal again. Every day I wish I would die.  :'(
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[Buddie]

Congrats on your success and thank you for answeing so many questions. It is truly  gives hope to those of us still struggling. I am curious, how did your dizziness and lightheadedness go away. Im 9 months off ativan and dizziness and lightheadedness along with cog fog are my most persistent symptoms. Did these symptoms gradually fade away? Thank you again for spending time helping those of us trying to follow in your footsteps!
Fp
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[Buddie]

[...]: I'm so sorry you are suffering as you are from the burning mouth sensations and the tinnitus. My tinnitus was present all through withdrawal, but was one of the symptoms that was intermittent. It would come and it would go. It has gone away completely now. I hope yours will also. I know how interminable and hopeless things can seem. The non-stop suffering distorts time and drains us of the will to live. I will wish that you live, free from the suffering.

[...]: Thank you so much for the congratulations, I appreciate it. I'm glad to answer questions. I think the true benefit of these peer support sites lies in the documentation. Each of us are a case study. If the medical community and/or the pharmaceutical industrial complex isn't going to step up on this stuff, then we need to share our stories.

The dizziness and lightheadedness was actually my first symptom before I went into full tolerance withdrawal. It had been increasing for a long time before February 2012. It was unsettling and caused a lot of anxiety. I felt like I was going to pass out often. I never did, but I felt like it. Walking from my work desk to the bathroom, I felt like I was walking on the deck of a ship in rough seas. Of course when I mentioned this to my doctor, they had me doing all these exercises for positional vertigo that did absolutely nothing because the problem was with the drugs I was taking, not some organic cause. The worst thing was if I crouched down to do anything and stood up. Like if I were picking strawberries or working in my garden and stood up, the whole world would spin like a top and I thought I was going to go down hard.

Also, I had a symptom along with the lightheadedness and dizziness which I called "lead-head." My head felt heavy, like it was full of lead. Like I wouldn't be able to support it. I felt weighted.

The dizziness persisted through tolerance and into acute withdrawal. It improved as I healed, but it did persist. I also believe that Mirtazapine contributed to it. So after benzo withdrawal, when I had cautiously tapered below 5mg of Mirtazapine, that is about the time the dizziness disappeared. The "lead-head" sensation was definitely benzo withdrawal and disappeared first. And the lightheadedness and dizziness moved on later as I said above.

I hope this is helpful.

Hang in there,

Dave
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[Buddie]

Thanks Dave and congratulations! I needed to hear this, im at the stage where i am waking every morning vomiting and dry reaching and cant see the tunnel! I was also on mirtazipine and hated my psych for prescribing it but deeply down new i needed something. Im just now starting to have adrenalin surges and feel if i panic again ill be doomed.

I struggle with its my anxiety or withdrawal and just feel hopeless.xx
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[Buddie]

[...] Thanks so much for reading my story and writing as well. Iím so sorry about your mornings, I remember them well :( Just a horrible thing.

When are you getting those spikes of adrenaline? Is it a morning thing? If so, thatís probably the cortisol cycle messing with you. Peak cortisol usually happens in the very early morning. I was super reactive to it. I actually started setting my alarm to get up before the brunt of it hit me. I found it easier to tolerate if I was already awake. I keep that schedule to this day.

Please try to remain hopeful. I thought I was doomed. The horrors we face in withdrawal are something no one should ever endure. But healing happens even to those of us who get dealt withdrawal hard, fast, and sustained. Iíd been on prescribed pharmaceuticals for most of my life, had been on benzos for over a decade, and tapered really wrong. The pain came and stayed. Longer than I would have liked. But the pain did leave.

Hang in there,

Dave
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[Buddie]

Thanks Dave,
Your awesome taking time to answer everyone's questions!
I do get a bit of a spike at [...] but have put that down to fear ive developed living alone although have support close by.
But your idea of getting up earlier in the morning before it hits sounds good, as I've been trying to lay there and get that extra hours sleep.
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