Author Topic: Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.  (Read 3942 times)

[Buddie]

[...]: Thank you very much for your kind words, I am so happy you too hung in there and are living again. I wish you the best of luck as well!

[...]: I am so sorry for the phobias you are enduring. I had some fairly intense phobias as well, as well as rampant paranoia. I wish you didn't need to suffer yours. The doctors wanted to diagnose me with OCD. I will say that I am a very orderly person, tidy - but I would have never labeled myself OCD. And prior to withdrawal I had health phobias, often thinking minor symptoms of other things were signs of dread disease. I did a lot of "checking." Feeling my glands, inspecting my body for any signs of disorder, etc, etc. I think I had been in tolerance withdrawal for a lot longer than I knew and that many of the health phobias were a result of that. And all of that just intensified in withdrawal. I was agoraphobic (predominately a result of the intrusive thoughts) and didn't work for quite some time. I fortunately had a job that allowed me to work from home until I could get in there and do it again. Oh, and I used to fear partaking in commerce too. I would make other people go into stores and buy things for me, or make them pay (with my money) if I did go into the stores. I don't have any health phobias anymore, nor agoraphobia, nor fear of commerce. Partly I think because I am finally off the benzos and healed from the resulting withdrawal, but also because without exaggeration, withdrawal almost killed me. I don't fear death and health the same way I used to. I cherish life and want to live it, but am now well aware how fast, and how bad, things can go in a volatile direction. I guess you could say withdrawal was "exposure therapy" to some of those fears and phobias I had. I return that bow of respect back to you as you push through to your own accomplishment. Stay strong my friend.

Dave
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[Buddie]

[...], were you dealing with these violent and strange intrusive thoughts and impulses as well?
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[Buddie]

I could not read nor watch TV nor listen to music for a good part of withdrawal, those would have been good distraction if I could. Meditation was very hard as well.

Thanks you for sharing your  story, it gives me  hope which is hard to come by these days. I am also unable to watch TV or listen to music. I have a great deal of anxiety symptoms and strange aversions to almost everything.  Do you remember how long it took before you could enjoy  television  again? I'm  having a really difficult  time with distraction because almost everything  gives me  anxiety. Thanks again!

Tom
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[Buddie]

Dave - Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I identify with much that you write. I cherish the tiniest moments of peace now (even though there are still very few).... You've made the journey less lonely.

I appreciate your message so much. In a very bad wave today, but I will re-read when [...]. Blessings to you always.

« Last Edit: July 27, 2019, 10:30:35 am by [Buddie] »
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[Buddie]

Tom: Hey Tom, thanks for reading my submission, I appreciate it. I had the aversions too. It took a long while before I could enjoy television again. Even longer before I could read. With television, my eyes couldn't handle the visual input and I was triggered by pretty much everything I watched. I started using television therapeutically after about 8 months into acute withdrawal, post-discontinuation. It may sound weird, but I used movies to cry. I had the hardest time crying after a certain point in withdrawal. But every time I managed to cry, it felt really good and often resulted in me having a small window. So I used sad scenes in movies to try and trigger a crying response. I remember the first time I got it to work. I watched a film called "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith. And in that movie, he donated his heart to a woman who needed a transplant. And in a certain scene, I just lost it and the tears came freely. After that, I was able to watch certain shows and movies again. But it took some time before I could actually enjoy television. Hang in there, man.

[...]: I'm sorry you are in a wave. How long are yours lasting now? How long are your windows lasting? My withdrawal experience followed a distinct windows and waves pattern. Initially, the waves would last weeks and the windows would be a matter of hours. And as time went on, the waves shortened and the windows lengthened. But the waves always terrified me and for some reason, even after I had been going through it for months, I was always somewhat taken by surprise when I'd go back into a wave. Wishful thinking always lulled me into thinking it was finally over when I was in a window. But then eventually, wishful thinking came true. Hang in there with the wave, you are stronger than you know. Blessings to you as well.

Dave
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[Buddie]

Dave,

I have another question if that is okay.
Did you have derealization/depersonalization? Did you have feeling of detachment from your surroundings or yourself?
It's hard to describe, but even when my symptoms are the mildest they get at the moment I always still feel off, I feel disconnected from myself, the people I love, my surroundings. I don't feel like I'm quiet "there", present. Rather I watch everything through a glass wall and my emotions etc feel very distant. When I look in the mirror I don't quiet recognize myself. Sometimes I worry that I have just lost myself, that I will never know who I actually am anymore, if that makes sense.

All your replies in this thread give me reassurance, thank you for being here for us to share your story. Hope you are well!
« Last Edit: July 27, 2019, 12:57:13 pm by [Buddie] »
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[Buddie]

[...]: Any and all questions are ok, feel free!

Oh wow, I had that same exact experience - looking into the mirror and not quite recognizing myself. It was like I was looking at a caricature of myself, or an only somewhat familiar version of myself. The DP/DR was really bad; disorientating and unsettling. The emotional detachment and blunting was so unpleasant. In a previous response to Tom, I'd talked about watching films to actually precipitate the release of tears. Even when I did so and reaped the neuro-chemical benefits of crying, I still felt detached from the sadness/compassion that precipitated the tears. It was a gradual return when I could say "Hey, that's me, that's Dave" in the mirror and when my emotions and sense of being felt directly correlated to myself. The beauty now is that post-withdrawal, having experienced that detachment and re-attachment, I now feel like I know myself better than I ever have.

This doesn't exactly relate to your question, but was something that remembering the mirror-looking brought back. I used to see unsettling things in patterns. For example the tile floor in my bathroom has patterned tiles and I used to see disturbing faces in the patterns and it would completely freak me out. I had mild hallucinations like that.

Thanks for checking in [...], and hang in there.

Dave

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[Buddie]

[...]: Any and all questions are ok, feel free!

Even when I did so and reaped the neuro-chemical benefits of crying, I still felt detached from the sadness/compassion that precipitated the tears.

that is exactly how I feel, too. It feels like my body is reacting to things, but I kind of watch it happen from outside. It doesn't feel like it is really me that is reacting, like the emotions are not mine.
Thank you, again and again, for caring. I will come back to this thread to reread all of this when needed.
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[Buddie]

Again Dave a great testimonial one question I do have when did you reach your turning point when the Symptoms  started to fade ?when  did you start to get better and you felt that you were recovered?
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[Buddie]

[...]: Thanks, man. I'll tell you what I remember. Tolerance withdrawal was entering acute withdrawal starting February 2012 - merged fully into acute withdrawal when I discontinued in June 2012. That was an unrelenting physical beatdown followed by intrusive thoughts of self and outward harm. From June 2012 through the whole of October 2012, it was complete and utter mental disarray. I have almost no memory of that full period running 2/2012-10/2012. Windows started in earnest around the end of November 2012. First, windows were maybe a day a week and for some reason, between the hours of 6 and 9pm. They'd last minutes, or sometimes and hour. That lasted until about early March of 2013. The windows during that time would last a day, or two and be followed by 2-3 weeks of back-to-hell. It was almost clockwork. By the end of 2013, that balance had shifted to 2-3 weeks of window followed by a week or two of back-to-hell. So it was momentous healing after about the 1 year mark. 2014 saw most of the benzo symptoms disappear an that is when I started tapering the mirtazapine in earnest. But I felt I'd recovered from benzo withdrawal sometime in mid-2014. I'm cautious by nature, so always relished the good feelings, but reminded myself that things could change for the worse. Fortunately they did not.

Windows for me were never perfect. I considered a window a "quieting" of the symptoms. Particularly the intrusive thoughts, but also the physical symptoms. I found in windows that while the thoughts still often presented themselves, I had the ability to dismiss them as a non-withdrawing person would. I could see the thought as irrational, mentally package it as such, and send it on its way. That is juxtaposed to the waves when the thoughts could not be dismissed and I felt in danger and/or dangerous.

In windows, I felt semi-fit for human circulation, I felt valid, I felt nearly human and more hopeful.

I hope this helps. Hang in there, sir.

Dave
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