Author Topic: Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.  (Read 3952 times)

[Buddie]

Thank you all so much for your congratulations, I really hope my story helps give some rightfully deserved hope to anyone who reads it. You are ALL heroes in my book, no matter where you are at in your withdrawal. I don't say that lightly. Because you are doing your personal best to get through what may arguably prove to be the most daunting process in your life. You are weathering a storm like no other.

To address a couple comments:

[...]: I'm right onboard with you in terms of the physical symptoms vs. the intrusive thoughts and impulses. I'd have taken the other symptoms x 5 over those thoughts - because they made me feel unfit for human circulation. They made me feel unworthy to be with other humans. Even the suicidal ideation was more comfortable than the outwardly directed thoughts. It doesn't trigger me anymore to talk about them. Early on, talking about the thoughts, thinking back on them, it would all trigger me something awful. It was too much. But now, having had many years to think back on them, they don't have the same effect. And I am willing to talk about that symptom because those thoughts were not me. I'd never had a thought even close to those kinds of thoughts prior to withdrawal. I am a gentle, peaceable human and have never been aggressive nor prone to violence. I am an imperfect human like anyone, but not malicious. That's how I knew the thoughts were a product of something else. That, and they terrified me worse than anything ever had. I am not ashamed of having had those thoughts. And I don't fear people who are going through this process having them too. Because they are the product of a nervous system that has become unregulated by the damage these drugs have wrought. And if we don't have dialogue surrounding them, we feel isolated, broken, and hopeless. You are a worthy human sir, these thoughts are not you. They do not reflect who you are, nor who you will be.

[...]: What type of teeth/gum stuff are you dealing with? I know that in both benzo and mirt withdrawal, I had random tooth pain. But that was about as much as [...] recall. I am a bit obsessive when it comes to my oral hygiene, so take good care of my pearly whites. But I do remember sharp and random pain in certain cycles of the withdrawal process. What doesn't hurt and what isn't messed up during withdrawal?  :)

Anyway, I wanted to address those few things and thank you all for your kind feedback and well-wishes.

Hang in there,

Dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Great Testimony what were some of your coping skills to deal with anxiety and intrusive thoughts
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Hey [...], thanks for reading, thanks for taking the time.

I tried to employ some of the techniques that are associated with cognitive restructuring or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That was a rather hit-or-miss endeavor. As my nervous system was so unregulated, there were no solid stopping mechanisms to quell the onslaught of thoughts. I could not read nor watch TV nor listen to music for a good part of withdrawal, those would have been good distraction if I could. Meditation was very hard as well.

I was in therapy with an understanding psychologist for much of the time, which also offered me a place to talk and get reassurance.

Quieting the nervous system with magnesium was somewhat helpful as well. At the worst of it, I removed myself from my home and family and lived with a co-worker for a period of time. Basically doing odd jobs and holing up in their guest room. That did not help. The thoughts were inescapable. No matter where I went, I would either ruminate over those people I left behind, or develop new thoughts and impulses around my new environment. I couldn't work for 3 months, and worked remotely for a half a year afterward. That was avoidance in a sense, but it made me feel safer to a degree.

Honestly, the only way I got through it was to bear it and suffer it. And that often left me in a broken pile of tears, but I had to do it - there was no other choice. Trust me, I doubted healing every single day. I was so scared, it is really hard to even verbalize. What a lot of people who don't experience this symptom directly don't understand is that if you are having these violent thoughts and impulses with them, you almost feel as if you are filled with iron ore and being magnetically pulled towards the impulses. Like if you are walking through a construction site and you see a hammer, you almost feel like you are being pulled to pick it up and attack someone with it. Or if you are driving past pedestrians, you feel like you are being pulled to steer the car in their direction. It is really an almost physical sensation. And you sense yourself pulling away from it, and it feels like effort. And that then results in a feeling of horror and terror and shame, hence the being left in a broken pile of tears. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before or after.

After a certain amount of time, time itself became a tool. My track-record become the testament to my safety. Because I'd had the thoughts for so long, and never so much as lifted a finger once, that I was able to come to acknowledge the thoughts and impulses for what they were - misfires from my brain. Neurology gone awry. And then the natural progression of healing took care of the [...].

And as for dealing with the anxiety, again, this began to burn itself out as my brain developed the regulating mechanisms that had been temporarily disabled by having taken the drugs for so long, and that had been withdrawn from so wrong.

Hang in there,

Dave
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Exactly, unfit for human circulation. Never had anything resembling this before in any way. I understand what you're talking about with the feeling of a magnetism pulling you to acting on these thoughts. I had them too when I was feeling SI. I thought my body was going to force me to jump from a window. I'm actually separated from my family this week and have to go back. I've been getting nauseous just thinking about it. I feel like the longer I go without being around them, the more likely it will be that I will never want to go back. I feel like I need to at least see them in short bursts the best [...] until this passes. [...] say that I'm having intrusive thoughts toward everybody, but it's much more scary with my family.

I am really scared of starting my new job in a month. Last year, at this time, I felt like school actually helped me because I felt I had developed monophobia and needed to be around people at all times. Now I feel like I don't want to see or be around anybody. I keep repeating the same question to my wife and mother: "What if [...]'t work next year?"

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Hi Dave,

I was wondering how you dealt with the Akathisia?
Did you have cognitive impairments too? I'm dealing with some brain fog, blurry vision, trouble concentrating, memory is very wacky, .


I know you've already said that all symptoms have gone. But I guess I just need to know that these specific ones actually did, if you had them.


Thank you for sharing your story here!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Hey [...], thank you for taking the time to read, and for writing, appreciated. Your questions actually helped me to remember a couple more symptoms.

My memory and cognition was very bad, the brain-fog was horrendous. Memory-wise, basically the entire period of time from 5/2012 through about 1/2013 is lost to history. And from 1/2013 through the middle of 2014 is better, but spotty. I have no solid memories from that period. The only reason I have any recollection of symptoms and withdrawal-related events is because on the advice of a therapist, I journaled my daily symptoms and their severity and read this a couple years later (many tears reading those notes). Unfortunately, I lost that journal (it was a digital file that got corrupted), but I was familiar enough with it to have the recollection I do. But the bottom line was that in acute withdrawal, my long-term memory was ok, but I was not forming new memories. And when I was first admitted to the hospital, they asked me some basic questions and I could not tell them who the current president was, nor what month it was. I felt like my brain was missing to a degree. My memory and cognition is fully functioning now. I have always had a strong memory. But I did lose that period of time, it is a blank-spot on my cognitive timeline.

Akathisia made me feel like if I could have unzipped my skin and jumped out of it and run down the street screaming, I easily would have. It was hard to deal with. I moved if I felt like i needed to. Magnesium did help. Epsom salt baths were useful. For restless legs, I'd prop my feet. I found that if I did a lot of walking during any given day, that exacerbated the Akathisia and restless legs. It's a tough one. A terrible feeling. I didn't have any really awesome solutions, but that symptom left me pretty early on after saying for about 5 months.

Another symptom I had was this vibrating feeling in my head. Not brain zaps as happen with anti-depressant withdrawal, but a feeling [...] only describe as taking two rubber erasers and dragging them across one another. That sensation was in my head. It was a disturbing feeling.

Also, if I pushed my kids on the swings, when the swing would return to be pushed again, it was almost like it was too much for my eyes to take in. It would make me recoil. As would driving. I could not handle the visual input of fast moving objects of any kinds. It felt almost like a manual strain on my eyes, and going from inside to outside and outside to inside was a blinding experience. I would have to wait a long time for my eyes to adjust to a point where I could see much of anything.

And finally, burning legs. I remember standing in a grocery the first time it happened and it felt like portions of my legs were on fire. That totally freaked me out.

But bottom line, yes, all of these symptoms completely resolved as I stabilized and healed. Some would return for a short period only to disappear again. But I haven't suffered any of these issues in a solid 3 years or more.

Hang in there,

Dave


Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Hey [...], thank you for taking the time to read, and for writing, appreciated. Your questions actually helped me to remember a couple more symptoms.

My memory and cognition was very bad, the brain-fog was horrendous. Memory-wise, basically the entire period of time from 5/2012 through about 1/2013 is lost to history. And from 1/2013 through the middle of 2014 is better, but spotty. I have no solid memories from that period. The only reason I have any recollection of symptoms and withdrawal-related events is because on the advice of a therapist, I journaled my daily symptoms and their severity and read this a couple years later (many tears reading those notes). Unfortunately, I lost that journal (it was a digital file that got corrupted), but I was familiar enough with it to have the recollection I do. But the bottom line was that in acute withdrawal, my long-term memory was ok, but I was not forming new memories. And when I was first admitted to the hospital, they asked me some basic questions and I could not tell them who the current president was, nor what month it was. I felt like my brain was missing to a degree. My memory and cognition is fully functioning now. I have always had a strong memory. But I did lose that period of time, it is a blank-spot on my cognitive timeline.

Akathisia made me feel like if I could have unzipped my skin and jumped out of it and run down the street screaming, I easily would have. It was hard to deal with. I moved if I felt like i needed to. Magnesium did help. Epsom salt baths were useful. For restless legs, I'd prop my feet. I found that if I did a lot of walking during any given day, that exacerbated the Akathisia and restless legs. It's a tough one. A terrible feeling. I didn't have any really awesome solutions, but that symptom left me pretty early on after saying for about 5 months.

Another symptom I had was this vibrating feeling in my head. Not brain zaps as happen with anti-depressant withdrawal, but a feeling [...] only describe as taking two rubber erasers and dragging them across one another. That sensation was in my head. It was a disturbing feeling.

Also, if I pushed my kids on the swings, when the swing would return to be pushed again, it was almost like it was too much for my eyes to take in. It would make me recoil. As would driving. I could not handle the visual input of fast moving objects of any kinds. It felt almost like a manual strain on my eyes, and going from inside to outside and outside to inside was a blinding experience. I would have to wait a long time for my eyes to adjust to a point where I could see much of anything.

And finally, burning legs. I remember standing in a grocery the first time it happened and it felt like portions of my legs were on fire. That totally freaked me out.

But bottom line, yes, all of these symptoms completely resolved as I stabilized and healed. Some would return for a short period only to disappear again. But I haven't suffered any of these issues in a solid 3 years or more.

Hang in there,

Dave


Thank you so much, Dave, for taking your time to write this long answer - it's very helpful. I will come back to this thread a lot when I need some reassurance.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. It sounds really frightening.

So glad you are doing well for so long. I wish you all the best for your future!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Hey [...], thanks for reading, thanks for taking the time.

I tried to employ some of the techniques that are associated with cognitive restructuring or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That was a rather hit-or-miss endeavor. As my nervous system was so unregulated, there were no solid stopping mechanisms to quell the onslaught of thoughts. I could not read nor watch TV nor listen to music for a good part of withdrawal, those would have been good distraction if I could. Meditation was very hard as well.

I was in therapy with an understanding psychologist for much of the time, which also offered me a place to talk and get reassurance.

Quieting the nervous system with magnesium was somewhat helpful as well. At the worst of it, I removed myself from my home and family and lived with a co-worker for a period of time. Basically doing odd jobs and holing up in their guest room. That did not help. The thoughts were inescapable. No matter where I went, I would either ruminate over those people I left behind, or develop new thoughts and impulses around my new environment. I couldn't work for 3 months, and worked remotely for a half a year afterward. That was avoidance in a sense, but it made me feel safer to a degree.

Honestly, the only way I got through it was to bear it and suffer it. And that often left me in a broken pile of tears, but I had to do it - there was no other choice. Trust me, I doubted healing every single day. I was so scared, it is really hard to even verbalize. What a lot of people who don't experience this symptom directly don't understand is that if you are having these violent thoughts and impulses with them, you almost feel as if you are filled with iron ore and being magnetically pulled towards the impulses. Like if you are walking through a construction site and you see a hammer, you almost feel like you are being pulled to pick it up and attack someone with it. Or if you are driving past pedestrians, you feel like you are being pulled to steer the car in their direction. It is really an almost physical sensation. And you sense yourself pulling away from it, and it feels like effort. And that then results in a feeling of horror and terror and shame, hence the being left in a broken pile of tears. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before or after.

After a certain amount of time, time itself became a tool. My track-record become the testament to my safety. Because I'd had the thoughts for so long, and never so much as lifted a finger once, that I was able to come to acknowledge the thoughts and impulses for what they were - misfires from my brain. Neurology gone awry. And then the natural progression of healing took care of the [...].

And as for dealing with the anxiety, again, this began to burn itself out as my brain developed the regulating mechanisms that had been temporarily disabled by having taken the drugs for so long, and that had been withdrawn from so wrong.

Hang in there,

Dave
replace insecure thoughts with secure thoughts I guess is one way of looking at it
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Dave,
Great post on your journey. Had very similar occurrences myself, and like you thought I was crazy and would never ever recover. Like you, in many ways I am better than ever, wish the drugs hadn't stolen years of my life, but so thankful to be alive again! Good luck to you!!!

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Dave, thank you from my heart for coming back with the gift of your story. Your background sounds almost exactly like mine. Words can't do justice to what you went through, I know -- and to the courage it took to get to the other side. Bowing to you in respect....

My intrusive thoughts take the form of unspeakably severe phobias which have left me mostly nonfunctional for a long time now. It's hard to believe we can come back from that, so I'll keep your story close as a reminder.

I also suffer badly from the shame and isolation you describe. The terror is too great for me to verbalize the phobias, so I relate to feeling broken, alone, and different.... Like 'damaged goods'. Your post is validating and very healing to me.

Thank you again, Dave. It's just wonderful to hear in what a truly well place you are, stronger and happier than you've ever been, and that you're appreciating every little thing! I wish you a lifetime of just that. Endless peace and happiness.

[...]
« Last Edit: July 26, 2019, 09:11:28 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.