6 Months Off

The basics of my story are in my signature.

I’m wondering if anyone else felt more like themselves and more functional at 1-5 months off. This month has been rough and today I don’t feel as functional. I’m an independent person but also extremely uncomfortable ie. no confidence and a control freak (ocd for 15 years now) so feeling worse than months ago is hard to make sense of and accept. I’m wondering if anyone that has undergone a rapid withdrawal has had a similar experience and eventually felt better.

Thank You

 

I am unclear on how log you took benzos but I guess that DOES not matter in the end. You went CT, right? May I ask why?

I took benzos for 30 yearn and they CAUSED me to become OCD. I did not know tolerance wd exists, even though I am a nurse. Well, now I know. It does exist and can cause symptoms that mimic some awful diseases.

I can tell you I did heal from benzos but it took 3 years for this old warrior. but it was time well spent and I am now happier and healthier than I have been in many years.

Benzo wd can feel totally insane. Did to me. What I went through is still impossible to describe.

I can tell you for sure that however you feel now, if you stay the course and don't reinstate, you will eventually heal and feel SO much better.

I am curious about your self description as a "control freak." What tells you this?

east

dln, my heart goes out to you. I believe no one as young as 13 should be prescribed a benzo. May I ask what your psych diagnosis is? Bi polar? This does not really matter, and do not feel embarrassed about this. Everyone on BB took benzos for a reason, including me.I have been very open about my own childhood traumas, and ultimately, that is why I ended up taking benzos. I just could not sleep so benzos solved that but OMG, when I went off of them, holy hell ensued.

I agree with your analysis of OCD. I know now that I have always had OCD tendencies, but benzo wd made that become a lot worse. You may find this amusing. In the past I did not care a bit about cleaning my home. Did not even own a vacuum cleaner. During benzo wd I became severely OCD about this and a lot of my recovery from benzos was spent cleaning my own home. Not easy as back then I had to use a rolling walker. Once I finally did heal enough to work, I started my own cleaning business, and this old RN now cleans houses and enjoys it. My OCD thing has died down a lot but it is still there.

I like your attitude, and want you to succeed at this process if healing from benzos. A 13 year old should NEVER have been given benzos. That is simply awful.

east

I am unclear on how log you took benzos but I guess that DOES not matter in the end. You went CT, right? May I ask why?

I took benzos for 30 yearn and they CAUSED me to become OCD. I did not know tolerance wd exists, even though I am a nurse. Well, now I know. It does exist and can cause symptoms that mimic some awful diseases.

I can tell you I did heal from benzos but it took 3 years for this old warrior. but it was time well spent and I am now happier and healthier than I have been in many years.

Benzo wd can feel totally insane. Did to me. What I went through is still impossible to describe.

I can tell you for sure that however you feel now, if you stay the course and don't reinstate, you will eventually heal and feel SO much better.

I am curious about your self description as a "control freak." What tells you this?

east

 

I'm feeling the same way and wanted to ask you.  Did you take supplements or find anything to help you through those years after you quit taking Benzos? I have already lost my job and I will be homeless if I don't find something FAST to make me feel better.  I have often blamed the way I feel on some unforeseen disease or my age but I'm certain that it's withdrawals even though I'm titrating slowly.  I was in tolerance as well after 15 years on Clonazepam so I decided to taper.  I wasn't feeling good before but I'm feeling worse now.  I cannot even begin to imagine another 3-4 years feeling this way.  It's encouraging that you feel better now but omg... another several years of this? I'm not even going to be done tapering for another year! 

You are NOT alone.  I'm now 11 months off and this month was worse than month 10, which was probably about the same as month 9 and 8.  But I actually did better in months 6 and 7.  I suppose for some of us it can take years, as I've read many times.  I'm currently dealing with serious depression, not to the suicidal point, so I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.  I can say that it's not as bad as it was the first few months, and that alone is encouraging.  I ask myself, how much longer will this take?  I totally understand your situation!  When I was taking Ativan and after I cold turkey'd off, I was taking supplements, not eating much at all, and exercising like crazy (because I couldn't sit around with the extreme panic and anxiety).  Lately I'm sedentary, with poor diet, and I'm changing that.  All I know is that I'm discouraged that I'm seemingly worse now than I was three or four months ago.  But when I analyze it, I'm actually not worse - It's just different.  Now I'm dealing with mainly depression, whereas before it was anxiety.  I've been accustomed to a life of anxiety, but I've never had depression.  Anyone who truly knows depression knows that it's not sadness, it's full blown despair: a hopeless, excruciating, and painful hell.  Yep, true depression actually HURTS.  It's that feeling that you'll never get better and it's terrifying.  I can confidently say that I AM BETTER.  I think that when I have really bad days after having so many "better" days, it can really hit hard and shatter my confidence.  That's where I've been more often the last several weeks.

Micky, I think what you described is normal healing from benzos. For some people it is so darn slow you start to wonder if you really WILL heal. That is how I felt. Healing is not predictable, it can start to feel a bit better than then slide back into misery.

Your current depression is probably quite normal. Who wouldn't be depressed, dealing with so many weird and painful symptoms?

I think what you are experiencing now is normal haling from benzos and not much else. We all wonder how much time will this take? And no one can tell you that. It is all just maintaining some sense of patience and acceptance to get one through this mess. I went CT off a huge amount of Klonapin and Ambien and two SSRIs. My wd was epic and awful. My goodness, I HALLUCINATED for about a month. And my wd was truly awful and last a heck of a lot longer than I had thought it would. Huh! Well, now I do know just what benzo wd can feel like and I never want to feel that way again. It took me just over 3 years to heal, but given my extreme history of nightly benzos for 30 long years, its kind of understandable.

Time will turn out to be your best friend in healing. I always suggest avoiding supplements, as you really have no way of knowing if they will help or make you feel worse. Eat healthy but do not obsess on this. Treat yourself gently but do not baby yourself. The worst thing one can do is lie in bed for weeks. BWD is not an illness! BWD is a condition.

Okay. I will step off my soapbox. Micky, you keep on going as you seem to have a really good grasp on what is happening. You will do just fine.

east

Thanks eastcoast.  This is very heartening!  I need to be here more often, because all of y'all paint a clear picture for me over and over that it's going to be OK.  I forget sometimes, because the benzo has left my memory in tatters.  I can't remember names.  More lately than earlier on, conversations are difficult for me.  Just this week I was not really able to have a conversation, because my mind was numb and blank and I was just depressed.  I sat there next to my Dad and I could picture and feel the hurt and painful expression on my own face as we watched TV, and I wanted to disappear.  I'm only 47 years old!!!  "Early Onset Alzheimers" I've read the literature many times...  It's the benzos I have to reassure myself from time to time.

Micky, my heart goes out to you tonight. Everything you wrote makes total sense to me. What you are experiencing is normal benzo wd. Don't let it scare you and just keep on going. Eventually you ill heal from this., just as I did.

I wish you all the luck in the world, but reality is, you just have to suffer through this time and eventually you WILL heal. zBenzos are super bad drugs but one CAN beat them.

east