Documenting a Wave

Documenting a wave

 

Thought I would document this wave with my inner dialogue.  It is meant to be helpful knowing that I am living a fairly product life now but am still on this journey of healing.  Right here with you.

 

Denial: Where did that wall come from? Must have just lost my balance. Ouch! Nope, that door was definitely more open than that.  What is wrong with this house? My ears hurt.  Must be from something I smelled… sometimes happens since Benzo withdrawals. Oh well. Gotta pick up the pace… I am dragging.  Lights are too bright. Shit. Where did I put that? Wow my legs hurt now.  Need to stretch… not helping. Hips are locking. WTF? This can’t be….

 

Negotiate: OK, maybe I have been doing too much. I will slow down and drink more water.  I will be fine. Keep tripping on feet.  Head is getting heavy. I will just lay down. I will be fine.  No more eating gluten… I am in control of this.  It has been over a month since I had anything like this so I know I am healed.  I will just pray and stay positive.

 

Fear: Holy Shit I can hardly walk… wait. Yes I can but I can but it is so painful.  Where is everyone? I am mad at them.  No reason why. Did I ever really heal? Is this my life forever? My feet are buzzing. Where is the Tylenol? What did I do to deserve this? How am I ever going to get through this?

 

Acceptance: It is just a wave Jenny. No need to call my Aunt and panic. I have been here before.  This will pass.  Time to grab a little craft project and rest.  I will draw.  I was hiking last week on a mountain and took a great photo. I am drawing it with my colored pencils. No time to judge what I can’t do.  Just focus on what I can.  And rest.  I know I will be OK.  Time heals.

 

Recovery: I am on Day 3. I will update this when I am better.  I will get better.  That belief is part of what heals me.

Thanks for your post.….Just got back from 3 days in mountains.  Was touch and go but stayed engaged in nature.  Getting hit last night and today.  Here we go again.  This too will end.  I am blessed to have healed as well as I have.  You are blessed too Leslie.  You do have great insight.  Being able to get some clarity in the middle of a wave is a good sign of healing.  Onward and through we go! 

Recovery: The wave is over.  Lasted about 12 days total.  It was brutal to go so far backwards that I was in bed for 90% of the day for 4 days.  I know how much this sucks but my baseline is MUCH better than before the wave so it was worth it.  I could be one of the lucky ones who bounce back quicker but I don't think it is that.  I think it is the acceptance of the process and the small mindful activities that I do to help my brain to normalize.  I am still not going to push it or get back to physical training for another week but all head sensations, nerve pain, muscle aches and deep bone cutting-feeling are GONE.  My ears are fine and my vision is back to normal.  The improvement is in my mental state as I know I am stronger than I was before and that someday, I WILL be healed.  That belief helped heal me.

Recovery: The wave is over.  Lasted about 12 days total.  It was brutal to go so far backwards that I was in bed for 90% of the day for 4 days.  I know how much this sucks but my baseline is MUCH better than before the wave so it was worth it.  I could be one of the lucky ones who bounce back quicker but I don't think it is that.  I think it is the acceptance of the process and the small mindful activities that I do to help my brain to normalize.  I am still not going to push it or get back to physical training for another week but all head sensations, nerve pain, muscle aches and deep bone cutting-feeling are GONE.  My ears are fine and my vision is back to normal.  The improvement is in my mental state as I know I am stronger than I was before and that someday, I WILL be healed.  That belief helped heal me.

 

Great to hear. What are some of the mindful activities you did?

Thanks for posting positive out come?

PG - I am finding out that you can reach a mindful state of "flow" doing just about anything IF you have the mindset that this activity is FOR me and get be totally present.  My Aunt had me doing things like wrapping yarn around a stick at first as I was so incapacitated during Acute.  I gradually built up to throwing a light ball against a pitch-back. This time, as I said, I drew a picture from a photo that had a lot of detail... I did this for very short periods of time and built up to working on it for 30 minutes.  It is not great art but it helped me stay present and the rest AFTER the activity is what really intergrated the new regenerated connections.  Thanks for asking!

Thanks Leslie,  In acute, I too had to keep it simple and short duration.  Now, I can do activities that require some right and some left brain that I 'enjoy'.  I am not too artistic but taking photos, garden dirt, rolling rocks and lapidary has been helpful.  It seems that when I engage in nature just through my senses, (visual, smell and touch), my nervous system responds with a sense of well being.  I could do this throughout acute by walking on grass, snow? or sitting outside when house bound.  Be present while doing something you love to do.

I wish we all had someone like your aunt!  Good news you weathered the storm.

Thanks DoveLuv! I had to look up what Lapidary was and that is so cool! Do you polish them or do you have the means to cut the stones? I am now working on restoring very old window sashes... we used to own a glass company and did window replacements so I have a ton of antique, ornate sashes that I strip, sand and paint.  I usually have them reglazed with mirror but am thinking doing something more creative with the old glass lites like painting them with scenes or abstract.  I am so glad that you too found healing through this journey through mindfulness activities. 

Wow, You are creative.  I am not sure what ya mean by reglaze with mirror?  My sun room is dedicated to polishing the rocks in tumblers or with an orbital polisher.  I do have a couple saws.  I just recently fired up the tumblers because I couldn't tolerate the sound the past 8 months.  They aren't that loud but my ears have taken a beating in w/d.  Wear ear protection often. I love working with the rocks but they do tend to take up a lot of space.  The best part is getting out and going on rock hunts.  There is a ton of petrified and agate where I live. It's great to be getting back to life.  Feel grateful.

That is cool! Finding rocks!  I hear with the sound issues.  I am grateful too. Reglazing mean replacing the glass with mirror in this case.

PG - I am finding out that you can reach a mindful state of "flow" doing just about anything IF you have the mindset that this activity is FOR me and get be totally present.  My Aunt had me doing things like wrapping yarn around a stick at first as I was so incapacitated during Acute.  I gradually built up to throwing a light ball against a pitch-back. This time, as I said, I drew a picture from a photo that had a lot of detail... I did this for very short periods of time and built up to working on it for 30 minutes.  It is not great art but it helped me stay present and the rest AFTER the activity is what really intergrated the new regenerated connections.  Thanks for asking!

 

Okay. I remember now, I started bouncing a ball from hand to hand as your aunt suggested and it did help a lot!

 

Thanks