Jump to content

5 year benzo free anniversary!


[Ei...]

Recommended Posts

Hey folks :)  A couple of weeks ago was my 5 year anniversary of being off of benzos.  It's hard to believe it's been that long, since I can remember that living hell so vividly, but I wanted to come back here and post an update in hopes it might help someone on their journey to getting free.

 

My backstory:

 

In 2012, I was at work when I suddenly felt extremely dizzy.  My heart was racing and I could barely stand. I thought I was dying.  I went to the hospital and nothing was found to be wrong.  A few tests and doctors later, and they chalked it up to anxiety.  I'd never had a panic attack in my life.  In fact, I was one of those people that would see someone in a panic attack and be like: "jesus, get a hold of yourself."

 

And being stubborn, I refused to believe there wasn't something else wrong.  Every day I felt dizzy, cloudy, etc., so I had a ton of tests done over time and met with a lot of doctors.  I was lucky enough to have a good job and good insurance.  They didn't find anything wrong, though, and it was only because I was constantly, desperately searching online that I found the link: I was dependent on benzos.

 

I'd been given Ativan for flight anxiety and had been traveling a lot, so I was using it regularly.  I had also started using it at work on really stressful days, and I didn't realize that I was caught in the cycle of:  withdrawals I didn't know I was having made me anxious, so I'd take some ativan, more and more regularly, until I was utterly dependent on them.

 

It was through that research that I found this community, and thank god I did.  I learned about the Ashton taper method and started searching for better doctors.  Every doctor I had talked to before that told me to "just quit them - you're young and healthy."  Idiots.

 

It breaks my heart that you're all familiar with the next part of the story:

-When I finally found a doctor that would put me on Valium, the real suffering began.  Tapering was absolute hell.

-It took me a full 12 months of tapering to get off.  I had to take a leave from my great job, and I laid on my couch for days or weeks at a time.  I stopped leaving my apartment, and my car battery utterly died because I didn't drive my car for almost 2 months.

-I thought I would never get better.  My depression was extreme, but seeing some people on here that had made it free gave me hope.

 

Even after taking my last dose after a full year of tapering, I wasn't healed.  It took another 6 months to feel somewhat decent, and another 6+ months after that to feel something that resembled normal.

 

 

But, the good part of the story is after that, I was better.  I started dating again and met someone I fell in love with, and we got married last year.  I took a shot at joining a world-class company I never thought I'd get hired at and they accepted me.  I've had a lot of success there and am in a leadership position now.

 

So I hope you take away from my story a few things:

 

1) Everything you're going through to get off benzos is "normal" for this process.  It's hell, but it's part of the healing process.

2) Take as much time as you need to taper.  Some people do it quickly, some slowly.  It took me a full 12 months.  The point is to get off of them as soon as YOU can - that might be slower than others.  Go at a pace that is manageable.

3) Life definitely will get better.  You will heal, you will feel normal, and you'll come out into life with a newfound appreciation for it all like I have.

 

As messed up as it is, I wouldn't take back my hellish experience.  It's shaped my outlook on life and I'm much more loving and compassionate than I ever was.  And people see that and reflect it back on me, and it feels wonderful.

 

I wish you all the very best.  I'm here if anyone wants to talk or ask any questions.

 

With love,

 

J.  (Eidolon)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear J,

  Thank you for your encouraging story! I am always happy to read of someone doing well after being so ill. Congratulations on your marriage and wellness! I'm inspired that you see how this experience brought more compassion and love to you. Enjoy your newfound health and family.

 

Warmly,

Carita :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations Eidolon for sharing your success story. Success stories give me hope that a recovery is possible from this difficult withdrawal  ordeal.

 

May you continue to receive peace, joy and wellness with your much deserved happy life.

 

Blessings!

Pi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...