1 year and I’m still broken

Hey everyone, it has been awhile since I made a post but I could use a little input and guidance. I’m closing in on one year since my rapid taper off of clonazepam. The only two symptoms that remain are mild anxiety and moderate/severe cognitive impairment. I can deal with the anxiety but the cognitive issues are sheer hell (that’s putting it nicely.) I expected some cognitive issue such as brain fog, but this is a completely different animal. It feels as though something just isn’t firing correctly and I feel like I’m spaced out and blank all the time. It’s like the front of my brain isn’t even there. I struggle with math, reading, spelling, and even putting together sentences. I can’t retain information worth a shit. Like most people going through this hell I have scoured the internet in search of answers and I can’t find a whole lot of information on this particular symptom. The information I have found is generally pretty scary and I fear that this is  permanent. If anyone can shed some light on this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Free, what you described is completely normal, IMO. I think its wonderful you feel this well now. I know it feels awful to you, and you worry. But I can also tell you that this stuff does fade away in time. I LOVED your description...."I feel like I am spaced out and blank all the time" is truly a good description of what many of us feel. I know I sure did.

With me, this weird scary feeling faded away slowly, as my brain really did start to heal. I feel sure this will happen to you too, but you have to give it more time.

Free, when I tell you that I am now so much happier and healthier than I was 7 years ago, I aint lying! That is the truth, and I am terribly glad I stuck it out.

east

Thank you for your response. It truly is a scary feeling when you feel like you fried your brain and killed all your brain cells. After all that is what it feels like.

Yes. It IS scary to feel that way. It as the same way for me too. What I now know is that this is quite normal. Your tired brain just needs time to heal itself. And it will, as long as you stay off benzos and don't drink alcohol. (Alcohol works in similar ways to benzos.)

When I was a newbie here, people told me to distract myself. So, I tried to. It wasn't easy because back then I was so sick and so crazy weird, but I sure tried to. Over time it became easier. I strung teeny tiny beads for several months, which took time and concentration, and kept my mind OFF wd stuff. I still have most of the necklaces I made back then in 2012. When I got bored with that I did some other mundane but time consuming job. ANYTHING that gets your mind OFF wd is a good thing.

east

Thank you East for your input. I do have a specific question for you. I understand that everyone’s withdrawal symptoms are different but did you experience anything that resembled dementia. At its worst my cognitive symptoms could be best be described as confusion and dementia like. Every symptom that I had has improved tremendously including cognition. I would not describe my symptoms as dementia like in nature anymore but my cognition is still in rough shape. Also I should mention I’m only 26 years old so my cognition issues are definitely not from natural aging.

 

As far as distracting myself I took up fishing a couple months ago. It’s often a mindless activity that anyone can do including people with brain damage.

Hang in there, there is hope! I was on a low dose of Xanax for less than 3 months. It took me almost two years to be completely symptom-free.

Freedom, I sure did. I am now 69 but started this journey at 62. My first hear post CT was a total nightmare. What you describe is called "benzo brain." Benzos work their 'magic" on your brain, numbing one special part of it, the Amygdala. The "fight or flight" part of your brain.

And when you go OFF benzos by any means, you suffer a withdrawal.

I felt just as you do now. I truly thought I had gone insane, or perhaps I had early Alzheimers. I did not have those things, it was ALL benzo withdrawal.

Please understand that your "brain damage" is temporary. Almost everyone heals from benzos and goes on to lead a normal life. If you find fishing a relaxing pastime, go for it! But when things feel really bad, distract yourself with something a bit more complicated.

Over my years on BB I have noticed that in many, many ways, all of us have similar wd symptoms. I don't know why this is so ,but it sure seems to be. I have read many posts where people were worried about dementia. In YOUR case, dementia is extremely unlikely. You are way way too young for that!

Good for you getting off benzos before they truly hurt you ! This will turn out to be the best thing you ever did for yourself. Be proud of this, Free.

east

Im there with you!  I'm 11 months and still broken.  I post sometimes on a Facebook benzo support group, and whenever I post there or here, I know it's a bad week.  Well here I am.  I am encouraged (as I hope you are) that we are normal.  I was only on Ativan for 9 weeks (low dose), but I now know that the injection of Ativan that I was given initially was probably the cause of most of my problems.  And the 9 weeks of pills after that were just my brain's way of trying to deal with that injection!!  Anyways, here I am, major depression, anxiety, hopelessness and despair (some days) and sometimes days are ok, and some days are, hmmm, I don't know - not half bad?  We tend to forget the "ok" days, because after this long why are we still suffering??  When will it end already???  All these testimonials are very encouraging.  We are in the same boat, it's gonna be ok!!

All of this is normal for bwd. Feeling unsure, scared, terrified, are truly normal for us. One you accept this and move on, things may be a bit easier.

Benzo wd is an ugly beast, and no one really knows why. It just is and we BB people just have to trust that what we are told here is true. That alone takes a huge leap of faith. There is just something about benzo wd that makes one feel SO alone and SO lost. This is terrifying. Plus one of the most common wd symptoms IS fear, anxiety and terror.

Micky, I recently joined several FB groups and have not found they to be helpful at all. I am not sure why but BB has always been my real source of information and  comfort. I would be interested in hearing how YOU find the FB groups to be. I joined one that is named something like "Benzo Warriors" and one named something like "Positives in benzo wd."

May I ask your situation, in regards to being given an injection of Ativan? Were you in an ER?  How was your mind set and depression BEFORE that hapopened?

 

Freedom, oh yes I felt something that  felt like dementia. I am an RN nd worked in an acute psych unit for several years and with real dementia patients for over 36 years. Benzo wd often DID feel like dementia, and I did worry about this. It was sort of a combination of dementia coupled with insanity. When I began this journey 7 years ago, I had gone CT off benzos and SSRIS. Holy hell ensued. I had MANY moments of thinking this hell on earth would never end. I honestly still don't know why I kept on going. I did consider going to an ER but my extreme paranoia of doctors prevented that. I did consider suicide and cold not do that because of my beloved cats. Benzo wd DOES mimic dementia! But please don't let this worry you.

Do I sound demented now? I doubt it. I am now quite rational and sane but that first yh\ear off benzos I was anything but. What you need to understand is that benzos do their dirty work on your brain. So, when you go off them by any way, your brain over reacts and goes a bit crazy for a while. That is what causes your many weird and fearful symptoms. Your brain has to HEAL from benzos before you will feel better. And for some this can take quite a lot of time.

You guys will get through this. If this Little Old Lady of 69 can, anyone can.

east

East, thanks again.  On FB it's "Benzo Withdrawal Support Group".  I'd say they are probably the best one and second best for me is "Blazing Benzos".  You can probably guess what that's about.  I don't use Marijuana or CBD oil at all, it's not for me, but I was intrigued by their stories.  But your story has been one of the most encouraging for me, because of your medical background and your story rings so true to my own.  And even though I'm a little more than 20 years younger than you, I feel our situations are quite similar because of the recovery time and symptoms.  What I've also looked for is people like me who only took it for some weeks or months, and there's a lot of them out there.  My situation was not peculiar, but there are other factors that are quite relevant.  My story in a nutshell: I've been an "alcoholic" for about 12 years.  Specifically, I was drinking 50-60 oz of Chardonnay per night for the past 7 years, rarely the hard stuff.  Before that it was a bit less, but gradually increased.  I do believe my brain got used to the "liquid benzo" for so long.  I got engaged in 2018, and I quit drinking for my fiancé for several months.  We broke up and I started binge drinking to drown my sorrows, and two weeks later had panic attacks and extreme anxiety and brain fog.  Never have had a panic attack in my life until then.  I didn't know what was happening.  After the panic attacks, I'd have extremely severe anxiety and I would walk in circles for hours just trying to breathe.  I couldn't think straight, couldn't do anything at all, so I would start drinking early in the day and felt ok, but the next day was even worse, so I went to the ER and got an Ativan injection and 16 pills (this was my first experience with a benzo).  I didn't plan on taking the pills, but within two or three days I had a total meltdown, major depressive, anxiety, derealization, wanted to die - you name it - and had to take a pill, and a month later went to my family doctor who prescribed me another 30 Ativan.  I did not drink alcohol during this time.  I tried to stop taking them at least 5 times and I couldn't.  First prescription was June 2018, took my last dose at the end of August.  I drank after CT 5 times.  Three times in the first several weeks-minor setbacks ensued, but bad enough for me to say "I will never drink again".  Drank again about 6 weeks later (November 2018) and had a major setback, like I had to start wd all over again.  And then I finally started to feel better again in February, but had a setback again and felt like I needed to drink again, and that was the last drink, because since February it seems like it all changed again.  It's so strange how everything is so different each time I would drink.  That last drink convinced me that I will never drink again.  I don't even consider alcohol.  I don't miss it at all.  I'm sober since 2/22/19, never looked back.  But the setback after that bottle of wine has sent me back to a place where I don't feel like I've ever fully recovered from, which is why I feel I was actually better before that last drink.  They say don't drink on wd from benzos and I thought, that can't really be so bad can it?  This drug has caused me to question everything I've ever learned or known about this life, happiness and reality itself.

Mickey, I loved your description of a "liquid benzo." That IS what alcohol is, so its remarkable you know this.

I think that people like you and I will always be drawn to drugs that damp down our Fear Center in the brain. Why? Who knows? I sure don't. Maybe some people are just drawn into this. Personally, I think that for me, my need for benzo like drugs started with a childhood incident that was traumatic. I had trouble falling asleep starting at age 8. When I was in my twenties I discovered alcohol and marijuana. Pot never helped a bit but alcohol sure did. I dabbled with other drugs such as Quaaludes and barbiturates (yes, back then, they were easily gotten). But alcohol worked fine so I drank too damn much.

Then at age 31 I graduated from RN college and had ready access to benzos. They were not accounted for back then like they are now. And they helped me sleep well and slowly I did become addicted.

 

Micky, good for you for being sensitive to what your mind is telling you! That IS enormous. Listening to our minds and trying to decipher what it tells us can be difficult. But you are doing a really good job at this! Hats off to you!

 

Age differences don't seem to matter in stuff like this. And addictive person, no matter what age they are, can relate to someone else who is the same way.  My best friend is 20 years younger than me and we relate extremely well. She drank and abused narcotics and now goes to NA meetings and is doing very well.

Time to call it a night. I am now dead tired. Summer in Florida is pure misery. Either too damn hot and humid or its raining. We had all of that today but for once, I did not get soaking wet!

east (Annie)

Totally normal. Your IQ, memory and analytical skills will improve over time, but it took close to three years after my detox before I routinely experienced brain clarity. I suggest that you regard the brain fog as a mere nuisance and enjoy your life. Good luck!!!!