I don't care about anything anymore

I've written other posts about this somewhat. I don't know if it's turning 40 and a midlife crisis or benzos. I've also written a post on losing my creativity but its like the overwhelming feeling now I live with all day. Its part DP and brain fog but then its like total apathy for everything in life. It's not even depression. I just feel removed from everything and everyone and don't care anymore. I used to love music and the arts to the point my life was completely focused around these things but I don't care about them at all anymore. I feel separated from my loved ones. I can't handle being touched. It's effecting my relationship because I'm tuned out from the world and don't like affection. I used to be pretty empathetic to people's problems and worldly problems but now I find myself thinking 'who cares' and 'get over it.' Yet I have no problem stewing over all my injustices in life and getting angry at people who wronged me. I wonder if I've just become a grouchy bitter women like women I wondered about when I was younger who were messed up and cruel. I can't pull out of this state. I know I'm early in w/d but I can't help feeling how much of this will stick with me and will I ever get back to my old loving self who found beauty in the world and people. I know some of this definitely touches on lots of people's side effects and posts but can anyone relate to this overwhelming feeling about the world day in and out? Has anyone been there and came back?I read one story about a women who went through w/d from benzos. It was not one here but it was an article but she said it changed her and she didn't care about creative stuff anymore and had a career change. It was supposed to be a positive article but I found it frightening. I would like my old self to come back.

You’re off only four months. That’s nothing. I have felt all kinds of negative sentiments. Now is not the time to take yourself too seriously. Try to avoid making any big decisions for a while. This is all going to pass and you will be your old self again, and that will feel wonderful. I’m getting happier and more “me” every month

4 months off is great! I’m more selfish than ever in my recovery. It’s all about me and how I feel. No one understands, but my wife is dealing with it better than I can expect anyone to. I don’t care about anything but healing. Whatever happens, happens but I know I will heal and you will too.

 

StayStrong

I've written other posts about this somewhat. I don't know if it's turning 40 and a midlife crisis or benzos. I've also written a post on losing my creativity but its like the overwhelming feeling now I live with all day. Its part DP and brain fog but then its like total apathy for everything in life. It's not even depression. I just feel removed from everything and everyone and don't care anymore. I used to love music and the arts to the point my life was completely focused around these things but I don't care about them at all anymore. I feel separated from my loved ones. I can't handle being touched. It's effecting my relationship because I'm tuned out from the world and don't like affection. I used to be pretty empathetic to people's problems and worldly problems but now I find myself thinking 'who cares' and 'get over it.' Yet I have no problem stewing over all my injustices in life and getting angry at people who wronged me. I wonder if I've just become a grouchy bitter women like women I wondered about when I was younger who were messed up and cruel. I can't pull out of this state. I know I'm early in w/d but I can't help feeling how much of this will stick with me and will I ever get back to my old loving self who found beauty in the world and people. I know some of this definitely touches on lots of people's side effects and posts but can anyone relate to this overwhelming feeling about the world day in and out? Has anyone been there and came back?I read one story about a women who went through w/d from benzos. It was not one here but it was an article but she said it changed her and she didn't care about creative stuff anymore and had a career change. It was supposed to be a positive article but I found it frightening. I would like my old self to come back.

 

It comes back, & when it does it comes back with a vengeance. I lost my creativity too & was very concerned bc drawing & painting has always been a huge part of my life. Right around month 4/5 is when I started forcing myself to paint again. At first it was very difficult but eventually it actually became more therapeutic than anything. And the work I was able to produce while sober has much more depth to it. One of the biggest things that’s helped me is establishing a healthy living routine & sticking to it no matter what. I’m in month 9 from a CT of 4 mg xanax, I was in tolerance withdrawal unknowingly for over 2 year’s, severely kindled, took opioids concurrently, drank, smoked weed, & also did other recreational drugs here & there. Now, completely substance free & I’d say I’m about 98% healed. Things have only continued to get better & progress forward. I’m a way better version of myself than I ever was before or on benzo’s. I’m sooo much more healthy, disciplined, passionate, empathetic, understanding, & dedicated. I am the healthiest & happiest I’ve been in year’s. I credit a lot of it to getting outside of my comfort zone & trying to teach my brain that not everything u do has to b dictated by how u r feeling. A lot of the time I would just do whatever it was I had planned on doin regardless of how I was feeling, & the majority of the time it ended up working in my favor. It actually took my mind away from thinking about my symptoms or how shitty I was feeling. So much so, that the word “withdrawal” doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I actually find it difficult to come here now bc I don’t feel like there’s much I can relate to anymore. I’m too excited about this second chance at life & taking advantage of every opportunity possible. I know it’s difficult, I’ve been there, but it does get better. And even though it’s hard to believe, when u try to bring some sort of normalcy to your life it actually does help. Hope things will ease up for u soon, u still are in the depths of this. But it does get better, month’s 4/5 is when I noticed a significant shift. I hope the same can happen for u. Find what works for u, & stick to it. Take care, all the best.

Thanks! Easydoesit45

 

You responded to my initial post about me losing my creativity and your response keeps me going. Especially because I was following my lifelong dream of learning oil painting before quitting benzos and I was stopped dead in my tracks.

 

I'm gonna take your advice and try to force myself to paint. Not only do I feel uninspired I feel dumb and frustrated with this brain fog that I can't think. I decided because of this to not have to goal of making the best fine art but just to make small paintings each day of simple things to have something to do. It will be more like arts and crafts than anything but maybe not taking art so seriously will teach me something in the long run.