I can't take this anymore

I am at my ends everyday, more and more agony. Everyday I have more and more symptoms, my insides feel like jelly and have that sinking feeling, its horrible everyday gets worse and worse, I feel like a 7 year old girl can break me in 2. I use to feel like I could take on the world now I am scared of everything. My insides are going a mile a minute cannot stop shaking inside, everything hurts and feel very disoriented. My wife of 40 years says she can't take me anymore. I am so scared, never been in the boat I'm in now. My house and car and finances are down the toilet, also been losing weight, a pound a day, Summer is my favorite time of the year and cannot even go outside. Even my wife says I will be like this the rest of my life, very upset cause I feel the same, the only thing I feel I have to look forward to is death. Too scared to commit suicide but too scared to live like this. What am I going to do?

 

 

4 mg of Xanax a day for 20 years then c/t, evil doctor retired - stopped 7-8-18

10 mg Lexapro for 3 years c/t stopped 7-8-18

900 mg gabapentin c/t stopped 7-8-18

105 mg oxycodone c/t stopped  7-8-18(on many opioids for 14 years because of car accident that caused testicular nerve damage and on as much as 200 mcg of fentanyl)

5-10 mg of valium off and on for last 6 months, last 1/2 of 5 mg tablet 6-8-19

 

Went to a detox on 7-8-18, was put on methadone for 5 days, felt good in there and felt good for 5 days out then the 6th day everything went downhill.

 

Went into respiratory failure many times and the opioid dr told me I had sleep apnea. Tried to find an attorney but was told too many medical conditions would be a problem, one firm that has 6 doctors on the staff said they don't even know how I am still alive, I do not now know how I am still alive. Feel God is going to leave me like this till the day I die as my repentance for my sins.

 

What would you do?

 

Hello:

 

You have certainly put your neurological system through the ringer.  Thank you for posting your history.  I can certainly understand why you feel like you do.

But just the fact that you are thinking clearly enough to get on this site and post your history and share your current situation is huge. 

 

You have chosen to cold turkey so many drugs and the consequences are severe.  In my opinion, it might be wise to start taking some small portion of the last

drug you have jumped off or reinstate to get some relief.  Then at some point in time, you can go off the drug slowly without such severe withdrawal symptoms.

 

This is just my opinion.  You sound like a strong person and your end game is the same as all of ours on this site but one wise Buddie posts often "this is not a race".

You need short term help obviously.  I share your sentiment about the doctors who have prescribed these drugs but this may be a time they can help get you stable.

 

You can P.M me any time. 

Klonkar, sent you a P.M.

Geez, everything c/t at once - that's rough for anyone. What you are going through is no uncommon at all. Would suggest not reading too much into it - it's not something personal against you. But of course that sort of line of thinking is not so uncommon either! Sorry it's affecting your relationship(s) too. That's when you need support/understanding the most.

Hi Bandicat:  How are you doing friend.  i am so glad you can just get on this site and scream quietly to the world your rightful disdain of the medical doctors that

put you on these horrible drugs.  I am so with you buddie.  I fantasize about suing them and publicly humiliating them because they just don't take the time they

should to research.  There are so many warnings out there and there has been for 40 years.  I guess its all about the bucks.  They have to fill their patient quota.

 

LOL..now I'm ranting.  Its good for us because like you, nobody believes me.  My best friends are all doctors wives and they think I am crazy. 

 

Please know  that I am suffering like you and because of my age and the length of my clonazapam use I didn't feel there was much hope to get better.  I'm

4 weeks past getting off this drug and the symptoms haven't been that much worse than in my taper.  I actually  have had new symptoms, some old ones that

returned and a lot have just disappeared. 

 

Again, you aren't alone.  If I can help with a particular problem or just writing back and forth, please keep me in mind.  I have no support.  I am alone and it's

always nice to talk with friends across the country.

 

I live in the Pacific Northwest, a town called Wenatchee.  It's super hot here now and am sad that I can't enjoy the weather.  I am about to get to the point where

I can start walking outside and really can feel my symptoms getting better every day.  Hang in there Bandi.

 

Have a good night if possible.  i'm going to watch Outlander and get lost in TV...

 

Good night and God Bless.

 

klonkar

Man that's extreme to CT all those. I would deff give reinstating a benzo like valium a go. But take it consistently instead of on and off or else it will never work and get you stable. Even if it doesn't send you back to 'normal' it might help a fair bit. It also might not but personally I'd give it a go and have done so in the past.

Even in my pharmacological/neurological ignorance believe you have c/t'd too much, too soon.

 

I'd consider reinstating 'something'. 

 

Dee

Yeah Banditcat let us know how you are doing today. I am concerned about you!

 

PG

Bandicat:

 

Me too!!