The pre-existing or underlying cause....

At 15 months out from being on Benzos for 22 years a wave crept up on me over one month and I was in a difficult place for a month. It was the same old cycle that is overwhelming and needs my full attention. I did the usual thing, see the doctor, do many blood tests, read up about symptoms (do I have fibro or CFS or Hashimoto's?) All tests fine, bomb myself with too many supplements, I got to do something...... hang in there, persevere, it will get better, time heals everything....

 

I recovered quite rapidly and could do local mountain bike rides again then  I had an awful few days and now I have some insight.... Mental illness is very insidious or stealthy. It is a troubled mind caught up in repeating loops of thought and also caught up in too much thinking of the past or the future. It is a body that seems normal, a shell that houses the person that, on careful review has a mind or existence that is sick, tormenting the sufferer and being a blight on some or all of those who share lebensraum around this miserable creature that is me (and many others like me).

 

In the last few days it crept up on me and invaded my mental real estate, all without me realising it. The hijacked mind....

 

Bad sleep, exhaustion, craving, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, aches and pains. Body out of homeostasis. All from simply walking back into the habit of being my old self (euphemistically called a pre-existing or underlying condition) listening to my thinking mind as if it were God speaking to me, listening so intently that I would not work, I would not do chores or visit or socialise, I would not become engrossed in a novel or a movie, no, I made a god of the little voice in my head, and almost everything about me is captured by it. The little bit that I do actually do, is to keep the peace with those around me and to further free up time and resources to worship at the altar of "thought". It may even be my ego and that I am so poor as a person that I prop my ego up and let it dominate my existence.

 

"No body who thinks too much is productive." said mom and dad. "Oh, I can do it! I know better, there is a hidden treasure here somewhere, I will find it, it is in here somewhere, and when I find it I will make money, I will have understanding above that of others, I will be powerful and I will know how to express and combine all my many talents that no one sees in me at present."

 

What is the captured mind? That I am willing to become a zombie to giving up this vessel that is my body to abandon all it should do and enjoys doing. I shy away from others and listen to this sage that only talks to me What is the sage? Is it my ego? Is it called "personal self talk". Is it simply my mind? Can I stop it? Can I ever be in control again?

 

Who am I? I have a body, that's obvious. I have a mind, we all agree on that. What did they teach us at school and at home about the mind? Not much, but maybe enough if we actually went to the trouble of thinking about it and making some notes we could get a glimpse. Here are some old and newer sayings about our mind/thoughts:

 

"The mind is a wonderful servant but terrible master" - old saying.

 

“The mind of man is capable of anything.”

 

“The mind has a mind of its own.” —Old saying.

 

"The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." 

 

"Sometimes you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday. It has always been this way and you never noticed."

 

“Don't believe everything you think. Thoughts are just that—thoughts.”

 

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

 

"You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength."—Marcus Aurelius.

 

"Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life"

 

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

 

“Man can alter his life by altering his mind".

 

“Human happiness is a disposition of mind and not a condition of circumstance.”

 

“The mind is the source of all suffering, and it is also the source of all happiness.”

 

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” —Marcus Aurelius.

 

"You must weed your mind as you would weed your garden."

 

‘If you can change your mind, you can change your life.”

 

"A wise man changes his mind, a fool never." —Spanish Proverb.

 

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."  Thoreau.

 

"Changing a mental habit requires a deliberate choice and takes dedication, time, and practice."

 

"We are what we think."

 

"Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment." 

 

I am sure there are many better sayings to get the point across. The point is we do not quite have a definitive explanation for certain aspects of our existence, their order or relevance - the body, being, doing, thinking, "soul", "spirit", ego.

 

I was recovering from a wave, things went well for awhile, and then, without me noticing at all, I went back into the old ruts trodden out in my mind where I have been a foolish prisoner for too long. I spent too much time listening to my thoughts, not doing, making excuses to allow this chatter of my mind to dominate - within three days my sleep was ruined, I could not work,  I was exhausted and had all the terrible symptoms that I now think of as Benzo tolerance and withdrawal. Back with a vengeance and as terrible as before!!!! What is this? I have not been on the poison for 15 months, what is it? Is it the underlying cause for which I originally went onto Benzos for? Is it a flaw in my genes, my personality?

 

It is simply my bad mental habits, my "thought ego" fighting to be the dominant aspect of my existence (yes,  I am talking of the little voice in my head). Some call it a previous or existing disposition towards anxiety - I now know it is simply me listening to my thoughts and not living and doing and being in the now enough, hour by hour, day by day. Again I am "living in my head" lending an ear to my thoughts which dwell in the past and the future too much.

 

It is VERY HARD HARD HARD to get this because our unchecked and overinflated little voice in my head is ACCEPTED AS COMPLETELY NORMAL AND AS A PART OF ME. I have to REALISE THIS, UNDERSTAND IT AND LIVE BY CONSTANTLY MONITORED METHODS AND ROUTINES TO MAKE THIS END!!

 

It ends by seeing it, studying it and living accordingly, it is not impossible, it can be done and then life is wonderful again!

 

Look at the volumes of books written on psychology, look at the volumes written on ego and self esteem, confidence etc. - KNOW then that these ideas are hard to nail down and as yet MANKIND may not have the mental capacity or ability to simply convey what the state of the mind/body/ego/etc relationship is. JUST TRUST THE SAYINGS OF OLD and stay busy with life and stay "out" of your mind and be or live in the "present". This won"t be easy but if I do it well and for long enough it will become second nature and I will be happier. As a child I did not think and think and think.... and I was very happy.

 

How do I judge my thoughts, the little voice? What is too much? What should be flushed out or not thought of actively? What is remembering too much? What is planning too much? What are intrusive thoughts, hurt, pain, revenge and paranoia? What is it? What is the tipping point where this hurts me? How can we say it is a problem? After all it is a part of me.... I cannot help it! Really?

 

Where do I begin?

 

Rule no. 1 - DO NOT SPEND ONE MINUTE BEING IDLE because my mind is an organ like my stomach and my heart and they never stop! I will have thoughts, I will believe these thoughts are important, this feeds the monster that makes me think more, do less, believe idleness and thought is normal and productive and ultimately, get anxious or worse....

 

I have been caught up in this despicable vicious circle of thought/seeking a solution or better existence/anxiety since about the age of 17. It is NOT NORMAL. It is hard to see it by myself most of the time, it can be remedied, I can do it.

 

I believe I have the bad habit of listening to my mind too much and that this occasionally hits a point where it overwhelms me and then I get anxious - this is the cause of my underlying or pre-existing condition that drove me to panic attacks that drove me to Benzos that stole two decades of my life and is still feeding on me.

 

Strive,  you have identified the problem (at length) and are on the path to recovery...  everything is good and you are doing great! Stay the course.  Loved another buddy’s post about this process ... it is like planting a seed and waiting/watching to see if it will grow. Don’t. Walk away and accept that it will take time .... come back to check on it in a few months and you will see a beautiful flower. Your mental health. 

Strive,  you have identified the problem (at length) and are on the path to recovery...  everything is good and you are doing great! Stay the course.  Loved another buddy’s post about this process ... it is like planting a seed and waiting/watching to see if it will grow. Don’t. Walk away and accept that it will take time .... come back to check on it in a few months and you will see a beautiful flower. Your mental health.

Thank you LeslieJ. That is a nice analogy. Sorry for writing so much, quite honestly it is difficult for me to articulate this idea the same way as I am experiencing it or realising it.

 

Now the future is all about staying busy and watching my thoughts to "stay in the now" as much as possible.

 

No complete recovery without it for me.

 

I am deeply thankful to have become aware of it.

 

May all of us here at BB find the ideas we need to know for complete healing and learn to live by them.

You have touched on the basis for much eastern thought/ religion.

Also a very good way to live.

 

Thoughts are not real, they have no intrinsic power. They are impermanent, they come and go.

The past and the future are not real, nor permanent. You cannot physically live in the past or future.

Everything impermanent is suffering.

The only permanence or reality is this very second of breath/ life.. It should be passively observed and not controlled.

Live this moment and no other. Accept.

The trick is to separate the thoughts and suffering from the present. Reduce them to a passively observed object in the distance.

Working on this myself 😉👍🏻.

DEAR Strive --- i've not been able to post much in past month, but this spoke volumes to me. i've written too much here, PLS forgive me.  so sorry it's partly in tune w/your post, but partly a cry for help, anywhere + everywhere i can find relatable posts.

 

oh how you incredibly articulated this - exactly the way i feel about it too, profoundly resonating.  i relate deeply to your state of mind, i share your exact feelings, since childhood too.... some trauma i will not burden you with. never offered help tho told GP at the time.

 

was sent counsellor + Psych but when refused to updose to 4mg CLon was discharged on spot.

 

PLease need further direction, anyone, if you can, on a way out of this nightmare trap.  trying Ashton 2mg p/wk now. see below pLS.

 

my mental health, as Strive describes, - in my case - has sadly destroyed my physical body, + stuck on mega Val dose, along w/Fibro/CFS/EDS, etc, actual Dx, among others.

 

+ i dearly wish i had tapered of 15 - 25 months ago, when warned by original Rx'ing GP.  You are so V lucky, count your blessings, as i'm sure you do.

 

i want to CT every day.... Now stuck on 34 mg Val and more ill than ever, forced by current negligent GP, ignores my Rheum's advice how bad Val is for me. also, no Librium option, nothing... GP has abandoned me + my mind is "troubled" beyond despair. crying, SI, etc.... GP knows, BUT doesn't care.

 

I'm so glad you've stayed active + determined + are healing + now so self-aware. Kudos to you. SO very blessed.

 

my Rheum also ignored original GP's warning + stupidly insisted to stay on Clon at least 1 yr....+ then tolerance w/d hit hard -- had lost 20 lbs of muscle mass/tone - tho became much more active but replaced by all fat + worsened my chronic illnesses = now disabled.

 

next GP kept updosing me thinking it would help, but made pain/illness much worse.

 

tried many times to CO to Val/Ashton, direct failed, then pulled off slow Ashton CO last SEP by Rheum + forced back on Clon + 10% cut to boot.

 

Rheum said Val worst BZ for my conditions. The 1 thing he was correct about. so I had no choice but return to painful Clon.

 

Clon caused pain since "1st dose" -- but original GP didn't believe side effect [see Mayo].  Not even Pain clinic - just dismissed/discharged after 1st appt...after waiting 1 yr to get appt!  Pain Doc insisted + promised liquid taper, but reneged, saying must get off BZ on my own, b4 help w/pain/illnesses. 

 

now ~ 15 Docs don't believe it's BZs + have desperately tried many times to try to get back on Clon but agonizing + now violent jerking - finally Dx'd by Neuro as due to Clon... but Neuro wants no part of this mess caused by so many other Docs.

 

New GP insisted i return to Ashton CO despite warning from Rheum + crippling disability.  Many tries to CO but failed since SEP, got quickly tolerant to Val..... Quick CO to 37 mg did nothing for 1 week, so back to horrific Clon + tried to MT it, holding 8 V. But hit wall after 8% cut in April.

 

New GP originally insisted I try Lyrica in JAN to help ,but only made me 50x worse since = DVT, more disabling swelling of ankles, feet, knees, GI probs etc.

 

Since cannot take evil Clon - have tried many times to slow CO back to Val despite Rheum + disability.  But slow CO always fails + desperate direct CO again -- 2 wks ago leaves me in utter agony + depression, anxiety + more pain + disability than ever. Indoor Walker doesn't help, so weak. Only 5'2 + 98 lbs.

 

So Very sorry to ramble + vent here -- but cannot control my grief for past, fear for future -- ALL the things you wrote so eloquently. I am so grateful for your post it validates my feelings of insanity + hopelessness.

 

Can't control mind/self-talk / despair, body a degenerating vessel, "captured mind" -- cannot distract; can't walk, meditate, relax + stuck in 1 office chair + sleep in 1 fixed position 1 yr now... 

 

my spouse says don't feed the demon/monster, but i'm trapped in my disabled body + house of 3 rooms + sadly i'm not Stephen HAwking + can't use mind to escape from all doom + gloom of Val mountain to climb down.

 

trying to find new GP but small town. SO V sorry this is really a WD/taper support issue but ur post called out to me. 

 

Thank you for all your inspiring quotes + sorry again to cry my heart out here but i am trying to find kindred spirits to help me forward.  :'(

 

Sorry to Leslie + RadDad who may recall my Intro from last year + kindly offered advice, + their new insights here are so helpful too.

 

but my GPs/Docs/Pain Clinic all abandoned me to my overburdened spouse/carer + now am in the depths of hell. Staying in "the NOW" is utter hell.

 

Strive, et al, again, thank you for helping me see my 'thought patterns' -- but so V hard to accept this downward spiral, 7 months after my Intro, when then I had some hope to cling to.

 

tho sadly not currently Post-wd - i was CT'd off Baclofen, then Ativan + Zopiclone, which started this nightmare 3 yrs ago.  so i know CT/WD + likely kindled x10.

 

so sorry again to ramble + rant, rave, on your inspiring post - but i truly thank u for your insightful musings + what feels like a epiphany of sorts for me ... tho i'm terrified of future + feel if CT'd already i might be healed by now, like many of you.

 

with sincere gratitude + so embarrassed + lost - now spilled my guts in your post but deleting will crush me, so pls just ignore otherwise.... APOLOGIES.... xx

 

Time has told me

You’re a rare, rare find

A troubled cure For a troubled mind

And time has told me

Not to ask for more

For someday our Ocean Will find it’s shore

 

DEAR Strive --- i've not been able to post much in past month, but this spoke volumes to me. i've written too much here, PLS forgive me.  so sorry it's partly in tune w/your post, but partly a cry for help, anywhere + everywhere i can find relatable posts.

 

oh how you incredibly articulated this - exactly the way i feel about it too, profoundly resonating.  i relate deeply to your state of mind, i share your exact feelings, since childhood too.... some trauma i will not burden you with. never offered help tho told GP at the time.

 

was sent counsellor + Psych but when refused to updose to 4mg CLon was discharged on spot.

 

PLease need further direction, anyone, if you can, on a way out of this nightmare trap.  trying Ashton 2mg p/wk now. see below pLS.

 

my mental health, as Strive describes, - in my case - has sadly destroyed my physical body, + stuck on mega Val dose, along w/Fibro/CFS/EDS, etc, actual Dx, among others.

 

+ i dearly wish i had tapered of 15 - 25 months ago, when warned by original Rx'ing GP.  You are so V lucky, count your blessings, as i'm sure you do.

 

i want to CT every day.... Now stuck on 34 mg Val and more ill than ever, forced by current negligent GP, ignores my Rheum's advice how bad Val is for me. also, no Librium option, nothing... GP has abandoned me + my mind is "troubled" beyond despair. crying, SI, etc.... GP knows, BUT doesn't care.

 

I'm so glad you've stayed active + determined + are healing + now so self-aware. Kudos to you. SO very blessed.

 

my Rheum also ignored original GP's warning + stupidly insisted to stay on Clon at least 1 yr....+ then tolerance w/d hit hard -- had lost 20 lbs of muscle mass/tone - tho became much more active but replaced by all fat + worsened my chronic illnesses = now disabled.

 

next GP kept updosing me thinking it would help, but made pain/illness much worse.

 

tried many times to CO to Val/Ashton, direct failed, then pulled off slow Ashton CO last SEP by Rheum + forced back on Clon + 10% cut to boot.

 

Rheum said Val worst BZ for my conditions. The 1 thing he was correct about. so I had no choice but return to painful Clon.

 

Clon caused pain since "1st dose" -- but original GP didn't believe side effect [see Mayo].  Not even Pain clinic - just dismissed/discharged after 1st appt...after waiting 1 yr to get appt!  Pain Doc insisted + promised liquid taper, but reneged, saying must get off BZ on my own, b4 help w/pain/illnesses. 

 

now ~ 15 Docs don't believe it's BZs + have desperately tried many times to try to get back on Clon but agonizing + now violent jerking - finally Dx'd by Neuro as due to Clon... but Neuro wants no part of this mess caused by so many other Docs.

 

New GP insisted i return to Ashton CO despite warning from Rheum + crippling disability.  Many tries to CO but failed since SEP, got quickly tolerant to Val..... Quick CO to 37 mg did nothing for 1 week, so back to horrific Clon + tried to MT it, holding 8 V. But hit wall after 8% cut in April.

 

New GP originally insisted I try Lyrica in JAN to help ,but only made me 50x worse since = DVT, more disabling swelling of ankles, feet, knees, GI probs etc.

 

Since cannot take evil Clon - have tried many times to slow CO back to Val despite Rheum + disability.  But slow CO always fails + desperate direct CO again -- 2 wks ago leaves me in utter agony + depression, anxiety + more pain + disability than ever. Indoor Walker doesn't help, so weak. Only 5'2 + 98 lbs.

 

So Very sorry to ramble + vent here -- but cannot control my grief for past, fear for future -- ALL the things you wrote so eloquently. I am so grateful for your post it validates my feelings of insanity + hopelessness.

 

Can't control mind/self-talk / despair, body a degenerating vessel, "captured mind" -- cannot distract; can't walk, meditate, relax + stuck in 1 office chair + sleep in 1 fixed position 1 yr now... 

 

my spouse says don't feed the demon/monster, but i'm trapped in my disabled body + house of 3 rooms + sadly i'm not Stephen HAwking + can't use mind to escape from all doom + gloom of Val mountain to climb down.

 

trying to find new GP but small town. SO V sorry this is really a WD/taper support issue but ur post called out to me. 

 

Thank you for all your inspiring quotes + sorry again to cry my heart out here but i am trying to find kindred spirits to help me forward.  :'(

 

Sorry to Leslie + RadDad who may recall my Intro from last year + kindly offered advice, + their new insights here are so helpful too.

 

but my GPs/Docs/Pain Clinic all abandoned me to my overburdened spouse/carer + now am in the depths of hell. Staying in "the NOW" is utter hell.

 

Strive, et al, again, thank you for helping me see my 'thought patterns' -- but so V hard to accept this downward spiral, 7 months after my Intro, when then I had some hope to cling to.

 

tho sadly not currently Post-wd - i was CT'd off Baclofen, then Ativan + Zopiclone, which started this nightmare 3 yrs ago.  so i know CT/WD + likely kindled x10.

 

so sorry again to ramble + rant, rave, on your inspiring post - but i truly thank u for your insightful musings + what feels like a epiphany of sorts for me ... tho i'm terrified of future + feel if CT'd already i might be healed by now, like many of you.

 

with sincere gratitude + so embarrassed + lost - now spilled my guts in your post but deleting will crush me, so pls just ignore otherwise.... APOLOGIES.... xx

 

Time has told me

You’re a rare, rare find

A troubled cure For a troubled mind

And time has told me

Not to ask for more

For someday our Ocean Will find it’s shore

 

Dear Chipmunk, your reply to my post is deeply felt. I will answer you where I can but please know that there are many people on this forum who will help you and guide you through this. All you have to do is be willing to try and persevere. Obviously we cannot give you medical advice but we can share our experiences and refer to anecdotal as well as scientific data in order to help you have/make informed discussions/choices on the matters now before you.

 

Firstly well done on simply being here and for elucidating your situation so well. Please read as much as you can here for ideas and inspiration. Again, I am sure members with similar Rx profiles to yours will step in and help where they can. Please know there is absolutely no need to be embarrassed or to apologise regarding your message. I will gladly discuss and answer all the issues you raise (and more) regarding my opinion and study of the underlying cause of my anxiety and maybe it is the same for you, before that I think we need some help from people who understand your situation better in order to stabilise you and then consider the way forward.

 

Please hang in there, this is the beginning of better things to come!