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I feel like an alien ! Why ?


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Hello

 

So I am now 2.5 months off Diazepam, I have various symptoms as we all do , some days are better than others. To try and add some routines to my long lonely day I have enrolled onto a basic computer course , I am 54 and self taught so I thought I’d learn from scratch , it’s only two days per week and only two hour sessions. I went today and I just feel so weird , it’s like I’m an alien I don’t fit in I feel separate from my surroundings like I don’t belong anywhere it just feels so strange I don’t know who I am anymore I can’t remember the old me, it’s hard to explain but I feel “ separate “ from what’s going on around me, I’m not making much sense am I !

 

Off the back off this I’m very proud of myself for going as it’s a big step in coping and challenging my anxiety but I wonder if it’s even worth it.

 

Where has my personality gone ? I’m just a body with a pulse  :'(

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What you are feeling is called Depersonalization. It’s very common in recovery. I still have it but it’s way better than it used to be. I felt like my home town as well as my home was on a different planet, crazy shit those benzos put us through. I hope you find relief soon.
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Hello Badben

 

I just googled it and it’s scared me, I want to feel myself this could take ages, do you just keep doing stuff even though you feel odd ? Will it go quicker if I do things outside my comfort zone more. I can’t stay in the house forever it’s hard to go anywhere new as it is but I keep forcing myself to, could this make it worse?

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Pushing on

Im almost 8 months off Ativan and nearly back to 100%. I feel better each month. Im 53 years old and I know what you mean about feeling "off", "different", "not yourself", "alien". Its so difficult to explain to people when you dont feel like yourself. I use to look at people talking, shopping, walking, listening to music etc and wonder to myself, "Will I ever feel 'normal' again?" Well, I can tell you, over the last 8 months my symptoms have slowly faded and the REAL me has begun to reemerge! At first, it was like a few moments a day that I would feel normal and then each month I noticed the times I felt like my true self increased. Im 8 months out and pretty much back to my old self. Im regaining my previous passion for life which I thought was gone forever. Bottomline I know you may feel like an "alien" now, but Im sure you'll return to mother Earth soon and find your old self again. I was 100% convinced that I would never feel normal again, but Im pretty darn close. Im holding off on a success story until Im at least a year out, but Im confident Ill write one in the near future. Good luck and EXPECT to heal!

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Hello fp1984

 

Your post actually made me cry (in a good way) it’s such a relief to hear how you have come on from this feeling, I am totally freaked out by it today, really upset because I’m doing everything I possibly can to help myself but I just feel completely alone on this planet atm. Such a horrible feeling, I used to be so confident around people and any places I went , I was in sales and used to do presentations to people and feel completely in control and happy , now I’m like a frightened freak and think I’ll never get over it but I will keep going.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, we need support when we’re freaking out don’t we!

 

Well done on your healing sounds like your doing amazing  :thumbsup:

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Pushing on,

Rest assured, if you were confident, happy, and in control before benzos you will be again. I had a hard time believing that benzo WD could cause all of the side effects that they do months after your last dose. I had DR/DP, vision issues, tingling skin, dizzness/lightheadedness, muscle tension and some others. They are all gone. It's been within the last month that I can truly say that Im pretty much back to my old self. I read on here somewhere to track your healing by months, not days and Ive found that to be true. I tried to stay busy by working, but also getting plenty of rest and down time. I chilled in my recliner and watched alot of netflix. I also kept a daily mood tracker app on my phone. Each day id rate my day from a frowny face to a happy face and id put a short note about how I felt and any sude effects I was experiencing. It helped me to look back at previous months to truly see the healing that was taking place. Sometimes its so slow you dont notice it. Kind of like a flower. You can plant it and watch it hour after hour and never see it grow, but a month later you go look at it and there it is a mature beautiful flower! I think thats how we heal. Try to relax and not hyper focus on your side. effects. Its going to happen. Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to chat with. Ive been there and I know how important it is to communicate with someone who has walked in your shoes.

Expect to heal!

Fp

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Hi Fp1984

 

A very inspiring post thank you so much, I’m wiped out today, maybe college is frying my already damaged brain a bit but I’ll keep going I’m sure it’ll help in the long run and set a routine for my days.

 

That’s really kind of you, I may pm from time to time , we do need support during this process , I can’t complain to much as some things have improved it’s just you tend to forget when your having a really bad day.

 

PO

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Hello Badben

 

I just googled it and it’s scared me, I want to feel myself this could take ages, do you just keep doing stuff even though you feel odd ? Will it go quicker if I do things outside my comfort zone more. I can’t stay in the house forever it’s hard to go anywhere new as it is but I keep forcing myself to, could this make it worse?

 

You are going to be okay, trust me. It's so terrifying to feel this way but it's a dissociative disorder brought about by the medications. Other people suffer from it because of trauma or high levels of stress and anxiety that occur over long periods of time. It alters your sense of reality. I'm a mental health therapist and this is also one of my worst symptoms but I feel like my background helped take some of the fear away. There is a guy on YouTube called The Anxiety Ninja who has some wonderful techniques for dealing with it. He has a program online but I found his videos sufficient enough to offer significant help. Know that you are not alone.

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Hang in there Pushing On. I've experienced this exact same feeling! Its so hard to explain to others. I've felt like I was living in a parallel universe and life was just happening around me. I would sit on my couch on a gorgeous sunny day and watch people walk outside thinking .. "Will I ever be like again? Will I ever live a normal life?" But it is slowly getting better for me. I've had a few good windows over the past few days and they give me a glimpse and hope of what the future holds. You are not alone, it seems to be a very common symptom we go through, but it is terrible and mind bending to say the least. Reach out for support … we are all here. This twilight zone will end!
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Helllo Warrior and Ever hopeful

 

Thank you both very much for your replies , it’s kind of calming to learn that people understand and have this horrible thing too although I am so sorry you are experiencing it, I feel so odd and strange in myself and my surroundings I hope it passes soon, I have various other symptoms as we all do and some days some things are worse than others , I just want to keep trying to get out of the house at least once a day because I am alone all day as hubby works and friends have kind of lost interest now , I’ll keep pushing myself keep going to the course and for walks and hope the more I do these things the more normal they will get, that’s the plan anyway lol just hope it works. I’ll check out the anxiety ninja thanks for the advice.

 

Hope you are both doing ok and great that some windows are appearing, I’ve had some too and it’s encouraging, just been pretty yuk the last few days.

 

Thank you for the support it’s greatly appreciated and very much needed.

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All great posts! But just a quick heads up; if you are walking into a room full of computers and fluorescent lights for this class (did I misunderstand?) then the EMI isn’t going to help your recovery and could actually make it worse.  I could not even go into Best Buy due to this issue and still avoid long periods of exposure at a year off. 
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Gosh I never thought that could be a problem although I’ve just came home from doing 4 hours volunteering at a charity shop and felt the same in there , I just can’t stay at home all day anymore it’s to much time on my own, I don’t want to give the course or volunteering up as it gives me a bit of structure to some days, I’ll just have to peddle on a see if it improves , I hope so!
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