can't leave my house

i'm currently in the tail end of my taper, going slowly and trying not to make myself even sicker than i already am. having cold sweats, shaking, chest pressure, feeling faint, light and sound sensitivity from my brain injury is somehow made worse by withdrawals, etc etc. on top of this, i have INTENSE depression and episodes of ideation that really scare me.

 

i've had this issue since i got my TBI, but it seems much worse since i hit tolerance, getting worse every day up until now. i just cannot leave my house. my dad is threatening to kick me out because i let my mom (his ex) in the apartment to bring some food for me, he's insane. i'm so sick i can't imagine leaving this house. thankfully i found i have rights and he can't just make me leave, i'm on the lease.

 

regardless, does anyone else experience this?? i have many panic attacks daily and fade in and out of reality, i can only get through it well in my home, anywhere else and a 10 minute panic attack could last 2 hours. i'm so scared to leave or possibly be forced out, i just have to be here to feel safe and grounded, especially with my dissociative panic attacks.

 

if i leave the house, i have to be with a close friend to 'ground' me, i can't be alone. i can't even walk up the street alone without the world spinning and everything looking like a fake dream. does anyone else get the same thing? it's so hard to keep going... :'(

I'm so sorry, that you are in this situation.

 

And it is very difficult for others to understand what's happening. But through knowledge, my family could understand.

 

There is a thread here on BB, "post withdrawal" - "what's happening in your brain / Parker". It is very well explained what happens. But there is a lot of text, and they may be tired.

 

If you have power, you can mark what is important.

 

 

This is the last part:

 

"And if you ARE a family member, please realize that those of us in recovery are no more in control of how we feel or what we experience than people who have undergone brain trauma in a car accident. Please be patient with us, because our

 

brains are healing and we are in the process of reconstruction - and our function is temporarily enabled, then disabled, then enabled, then disabled again.  And that is totally normal and expected.  We can no more help that than a person can

 

"want" to wake up out of a coma. It happens when the brain is able - and not out of sheer will.  But it does happen. So please stand by us and say loving things and reassure us every day. Notice our improvements and tell us what they are.

 

Encourage us when we feel good.  And when we don't, just hold us and hug us and tell us it will be okay.  Anything you would say or do for a family member that had had a car accident and a brain injury - please do that for us.  And be

 

patient... we are getting there".

 

 

 

And we are here for you. Everyone understands what you are going through.

 

Anna

 

Yes, I do know what you are talking about seafoam, and I am so sorry.  :'(

 

One night I went to bed, next morning could not leave the house.  It was that rapid.  I want to assure you that it does get better.  I can now leave the house without too much difficulty.  Was a time I could not go out the front door, scavenged in the cupboard for out of date food.  Your father is a dick! 

 

So glad you figured you have rights.  You are on the lease!  Assert your rights seafoam! 

 

I have experienced feeling so sick thought I was going to die.  I have experienced ideation, intrusive thoughts of the most terrible nature.  Also, the INTENSE depression.  All of it really scared me, too.  It's scary, but we are strong. 

 

But, we don't have to be so strong so as to not to give ourselves a break and to take good care of ourselves.  When it became this intense (for me) seafoam, I would HOLD.  Compose myself best I could, dissociated as I was. 

 

It has been horrible seafoam, but it is getting much better, and no longer of such intensity. 

 

Do you have a therapist you can talk to?  Is your doctor onside?  Sounds like you have a friend which is good. 

 

If it were me seafoam, I would hold until you stabilise enough to deal with these intense thoughts and feelings.  It's far too taxing to endure without a break.

 

Yes, I have had "the same thing", seafoam.  Had it in bloody Spades.  But it is getting better.  Tomorrow I am meeting with my daughter to go 'thrift' shopping.  Unheard of a couple of months ago. 

 

We can, and will, keep going seafoam.  But no need to rush. 

 

Dee

 

Edit:  Wanted to add that my son had TBI as an infant, result car accident.  I can relate at this level.

 

Also wanted to say, be kind to yourself. 

 

D. x

 

 

SF, so sorry to hear this. You have to keep going. You have given me many words of encouragement, and I want to do the same for you. I know this is hard, but don’t ever give up! You can do this!

Hi seafoam , I know exactly what you mean. I live almost in constant anxiety/panic crisis. When I wake up in the middle of the night after a scary nightmare, I feel I'm going psychotic (not my case).

I hold on to good memories (from long time ago) and the possibility of feeling well again.

Everything feels weird, unreal, scary. + all the symptoms.

Whenever I'm having a crises and I'm able, I play some music in my phone and I go for a long, long walk.

I've been on benzos for 32 years. I've started tapering 6 years ago. This is my 3rd attempt and finally I'm pretty close, so I think know how you are feeling.

It's really scary, I know!

 

Hold on! You are really close!

P.

Yes, I'm feeling this plus more and haven't even resumed my taper....am trying to stabilize but am not, just getting worse.....I don't have a brain injury, except from all these meds. 

 

 

 

 

I'm so sorry, that you are in this situation.

 

And it is very difficult for others to understand what's happening. But through knowledge, my family could understand.

 

There is a thread here on BB, "post withdrawal" - "what's happening in your brain / Parker". It is very well explained what happens. But there is a lot of text, and they may be tired.

 

If you have power, you can mark what is important.

 

 

This is the last part:

 

"And if you ARE a family member, please realize that those of us in recovery are no more in control of how we feel or what we experience than people who have undergone brain trauma in a car accident. Please be patient with us, because our

 

brains are healing and we are in the process of reconstruction - and our function is temporarily enabled, then disabled, then enabled, then disabled again.  And that is totally normal and expected.  We can no more help that than a person can

 

"want" to wake up out of a coma. It happens when the brain is able - and not out of sheer will.  But it does happen. So please stand by us and say loving things and reassure us every day. Notice our improvements and tell us what they are.

 

Encourage us when we feel good.  And when we don't, just hold us and hug us and tell us it will be okay.  Anything you would say or do for a family member that had had a car accident and a brain injury - please do that for us.  And be

 

patient... we are getting there".

 

 

 

And we are here for you. Everyone understands what you are going through.

 

Anna

 

 

thank you,, i can't imagine getting through this without having stumbled upon this forum. there are so many resources i never even knew could be so helpful until i met people on here. i will try to find that thread and look through it so that i can show some parts to my family, maybe not all of them, but some who are willing to try and understand. i know i can make it because you are trying so hard too and understand. thank you again for the thread rec and i keep on 

 

Yes, I do know what you are talking about seafoam, and I am so sorry.  :'(

 

One night I went to bed, next morning could not leave the house.  It was that rapid.  I want to assure you that it does get better.  I can now leave the house without too much difficulty.  Was a time I could not go out the front door, scavenged in the cupboard for out of date food.  Your father is a dick! 

 

So glad you figured you have rights.  You are on the lease!  Assert your rights seafoam! 

 

I have experienced feeling so sick thought I was going to die.  I have experienced ideation, intrusive thoughts of the most terrible nature.  Also, the INTENSE depression.  All of it really scared me, too.  It's scary, but we are strong. 

 

But, we don't have to be so strong so as to not to give ourselves a break and to take good care of ourselves.  When it became this intense (for me) seafoam, I would HOLD.  Compose myself best I could, dissociated as I was. 

 

It has been horrible seafoam, but it is getting much better, and no longer of such intensity. 

 

Do you have a therapist you can talk to?  Is your doctor onside?  Sounds like you have a friend which is good. 

 

If it were me seafoam, I would hold until you stabilise enough to deal with these intense thoughts and feelings.  It's far too taxing to endure without a break.

 

Yes, I have had "the same thing", seafoam.  Had it in bloody Spades.  But it is getting better.  Tomorrow I am meeting with my daughter to go 'thrift' shopping.  Unheard of a couple of months ago. 

 

We can, and will, keep going seafoam.  But no need to rush. 

 

Dee

 

Edit:  Wanted to add that my son had TBI as an infant, result car accident.  I can relate at this level.

 

Also wanted to say, be kind to yourself. 

 

D. x

 

 

 

i'm so relieved that other people like you understand. i don't know exactly what it is, but some days i just walk around and i feel so off and weird. everything feels foreign and i feel almost like i'm trapped in my body. thankfully it's gotten more bearable since my initial TBI but being put on klonopin and then hitting tolerance really brought it back for me. i also resonate strongly with thinking i was going to die, i've had many moments in the early stages of both my tolerance withdrawal and my TBI where i thought i was literally going insane, and going to have to go to a mental hospital. Both of these periods i didn't know what physically was going on (one was unexpected tolerance withdrawal, the other a brain injury that wasn't scanned for in the ER following my car accident so I initially didn't know what was going on) so it was very feasible to me that I was just losing my mind or dying.

 

i did hold for a month or so after tapering to .5mg, so that i could finish college without getting too sick and causing setbacks. i found though that the longer i'm on klonopin, even if i'm tapering, the more and more depressed i get. i know i have to end this withdrawal as soon as i can while still being safe. i will hold if it gets too much to bear though.

 

i do have a therapist, one who is very close to me emotionally, and another who works with my cognitive problems from my brain injury. both are very understanding (my cognitive therapist actually had a brain injury too!) and both are there for me more than my family actually is. my main therapist even has been on klonopin before so she knows what some symptoms are like. i am very thankful for them when i do get to see them.

 

i just went thrift shopping last week with a friend! she tries to get me to go out a bit every now and then so i don't have to be alone all the time. i hope you enjoy your time with your daughter .

 

and i will try to be kind to myself, it's something i have a hard time with and i'm always blaming myself for my symptoms or panic. i have to remember that.

SF, so sorry to hear this. You have to keep going. You have given me many words of encouragement, and I want to do the same for you. I know this is hard, but don’t ever give up! You can do this!

 

thank you so much :'( you guys are really sweet and i'm lucky to have your encouragement to keep me fighting.

 

Hi seafoam , I know exactly what you mean. I live almost in constant anxiety/panic crisis. When I wake up in the middle of the night after a scary nightmare, I feel I'm going psychotic (not my case).

I hold on to good memories (from long time ago) and the possibility of feeling well again.

Everything feels weird, unreal, scary. + all the symptoms.

Whenever I'm having a crises and I'm able, I play some music in my phone and I go for a long, long walk.

I've been on benzos for 32 years. I've started tapering 6 years ago. This is my 3rd attempt and finally I'm pretty close, so I think know how you are feeling.

It's really scary, I know!

 

Hold on! You are really close!

P.

 

i can't imagine having the strength you have. to deal with benzos for that long takes a kind of power and patience i truly couldn't respect more. i totally understand the nightmares and everything, i have the worse mid-sleep panic attacks and scary lucid dreams that almost feel like sleep paralysis. it's truly something only we can understand, i wish other people knew just how hard it is. i'm excited for you to get to your final cut, it looks like you're close! we will both finish around the same time.

 

Yes, I'm feeling this plus more and haven't even resumed my taper....am trying to stabilize but am not, just getting worse.....I don't have a brain injury, except from all these meds. 

 

 

i completely understand. it seems no matter what i do or if i hold or keep going, my symptoms come and go in waves of one thing or another and i can't control them or calm them down. and honestly, before i was on klonopin and after my brain injury, i felt quite similar to the way i do now. this is almost worse in some ways. benzo tolerance/withdrawal is practically a brain injury anyways. truly complete misery. but it shows we're strong people, stronger than a lot of those around us, and we can make it through each day one by one. best of luck, and thinking of you!

I was going to (further) edit my initial post to you seafoam, to say, I felt alien, in an alien world.  But for some reason did not get around to doing it. 

 

You are not alone seafoam.  This is a really weird trip, that's for sure.

 

I know I suggested holding, but also know that I felt as though no improvement at bottom end of taper, so jumped at 1mg v. 

 

It's all symptom based, I guess. 

 

Wishing you all of the very best seafoam.  I know how freaky it can be.

 

But we're good for it, hey? 

 

Dee

 

 

 

Hi seafoam , I know exactly what you mean. I live almost in constant anxiety/panic crisis. When I wake up in the middle of the night after a scary nightmare, I feel I'm going psychotic (not my case).

I hold on to good memories (from long time ago) and the possibility of feeling well again.

Everything feels weird, unreal, scary. + all the symptoms.

Whenever I'm having a crises and I'm able, I play some music in my phone and I go for a long, long walk.

I've been on benzos for 32 years. I've started tapering 6 years ago. This is my 3rd attempt and finally I'm pretty close, so I think know how you are feeling.

It's really scary, I know!

 

Hold on! You are really close!

P.

 

Like you I've been on thse forever... even longer than you.  You say this is your third try... the others did you go back up on what you took?  I am in bad shape like the poster don't know what to do.  I kind of want to just get off and see where things fall, but am alone and scared to do that.  No backup at all.

 

Can't believe what these drugs do.

Seafoam, you are at .19 mg?  Well, you are so low!  Hopefully off you will feel better!!

Thanks Seafoam, It's been pretty (still is) difficult, it is for all of us.

Good luck.

P.

Hi seafoam , I know exactly what you mean. I live almost in constant anxiety/panic crisis. When I wake up in the middle of the night after a scary nightmare, I feel I'm going psychotic (not my case).

I hold on to good memories (from long time ago) and the possibility of feeling well again.

Everything feels weird, unreal, scary. + all the symptoms.

Whenever I'm having a crises and I'm able, I play some music in my phone and I go for a long, long walk.

I've been on benzos for 32 years. I've started tapering 6 years ago. This is my 3rd attempt and finally I'm pretty close, so I think know how you are feeling.

It's really scary, I know!

 

Hold on! You are really close!

P.

 

Like you I've been on thse forever... even longer than you.  You say this is your third try... the others did you go back up on what you took?  I am in bad shape like the poster don't know what to do.  I kind of want to just get off and see where things fall, but am alone and scared to do that.  No backup at all.

 

Can't believe what these drugs do.

 

Hi, I had to updose in the first 2 attempts.

It's been a rollercoaster for 6 years.

Here you have a chart. I've been using it to keep track and to get courage to continue.

 

https://imgur.com/sN75Ni8

 

P.

thank you all for the support and the sharing of your own experiences... i apologize for taking so long to get back to you. the last handful of days i've been in my own personal hell... i've been trying to get myself to get out of bed and log on here to chat with you all, but i've been weaving my way through depersonalization, more anxiety, sweating and freezing, random panic, and weirdly, horrid migraines. not to mention increasing chest pressure, a symptoms i've heard much about with klonopin w/d. i'm holding on but i still have a ways to go. just a day feels so long and unbearable.

 

I was going to (further) edit my initial post to you seafoam, to say, I felt alien, in an alien world.  But for some reason did not get around to doing it. 

 

You are not alone seafoam.  This is a really weird trip, that's for sure.

 

I know I suggested holding, but also know that I felt as though no improvement at bottom end of taper, so jumped at 1mg v. 

 

It's all symptom based, I guess. 

 

Wishing you all of the very best seafoam.  I know how freaky it can be.

 

But we're good for it, hey? 

 

Dee

 

hi dee. i completely relate to the alien world thing. it makes me almost want to panic, how different things that used to be familiar are right now. hopefully it'll go back at some point?? when i'm done withdrawing maybe? it's so bleak

 

Seafoam, you are at .19 mg?  Well, you are so low!  Hopefully off you will feel better!!

 

yes i am! i'm almost at .15mg as of tonight. my taper is a bit steep, i must admit, and it's putting me through the ringer. i might need to slow down. i just want to be off this damn poison so badly. i also have a brain injury to deal with so i just want to worry about that instead of having two things to look after, also, being confused when i have a symptom and not knowing which thing it's coming from.

 

i'm praying i can get through this week and maybe it'll be a bit better in a few days. it's very up and down, one minute i'll be drenched in sweat, my chest racing with anxiety and feeling like i can't breathe in, then next i'll be feeling like i have the flu. thankfully the cryotherapy i'm doing is helping with a lot of the symptoms, and i'm a big skeptic.

 

Thanks Seafoam, It's been pretty (still is) difficult, it is for all of us.

Good luck.

P.

 

good luck to you too. it's comforting to know someone else out there understands, people just don't believe me when i try to explain why i have to cancel things last minute. it's a nightmare of it's own, even worse when people are looking down on you for it. they'll never fully understand the hell of this thing.

Seafoam, my heart goes out to you. I have experienced the agoraphobia, the crushing depression and anxiety, the terrible ideation and the feeling of being completely alienated from myself and society. My mental symptoms have been worse than any physical symptoms. While I hate that anyone is feeling this way and would never wish any of this on my worst enemy, it helps to know that other people have experienced it to know that we are not crazy and we are not alone. Particularly the feeling of having life happen around me, as if I am living in a parallel universe or twilight zone, as if I am an alien of sorts or not part of this world. Its so hard to describe, my doctor looked at my like I was insane when I tried to explain this to him!

 

I do want to say all of these symptoms have improved post jump. I am about 3.5 months off and all of it has slowly gotten better. The taper was pure hell for me, and while acute and the post jump healing process are hard, for me, I started seeing signs of healing and improvement as soon as the meds were out of my system. I am so sorry you are suffering through this, but know that it will get better. You are so close to the end of your tapering journey. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I suffered through the EXACT same symptoms you described. You can do this seafoam, hang in there, you are almost there!

An AD might help with the depersonalization that I assume you are probably experiencing.

An AD might help with the depersonalization that I assume you are probably experiencing.

 

that’s funny you say that, i’ve hit a really bad depersonalization wall in the past 36 hours or so and i’m really having a hard time. my whole house looks foreign to me.

 

you mean an antidepressant?

 

Seafoam, my heart goes out to you. I have experienced the agoraphobia, the crushing depression and anxiety, the terrible ideation and the feeling of being completely alienated from myself and society. My mental symptoms have been worse than any physical symptoms. While I hate that anyone is feeling this way and would never wish any of this on my worst enemy, it helps to know that other people have experienced it to know that we are not crazy and we are not alone. Particularly the feeling of having life happen around me, as if I am living in a parallel universe or twilight zone, as if I am an alien of sorts or not part of this world. Its so hard to describe, my doctor looked at my like I was insane when I tried to explain this to him!

 

I do want to say all of these symptoms have improved post jump. I am about 3.5 months off and all of it has slowly gotten better. The taper was pure hell for me, and while acute and the post jump healing process are hard, for me, I started seeing signs of healing and improvement as soon as the meds were out of my system. I am so sorry you are suffering through this, but know that it will get better. You are so close to the end of your tapering journey. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I suffered through the EXACT same symptoms you described. You can do this seafoam, hang in there, you are almost there!

 

thank you so much this is really hard and it’s good knowing someone understands. i hope i can make it becuase it’s getting worse every day.

Ever,

 

really, as soon as you were off you felt better?

 

Yeah I have all the stuff Seafoam is outlining here...

 

BTW it was an AD that started this whole thing for me-- threw me into acute.  I would stay away from mirtazapine... but that is me...

Ever,

 

really, as soon as you were off you felt better?

 

Hi BarbaraAve, I of course don't feel 100% better, but I would definitely say that for me, and I know each of our healing is different, I started to feel healing in slow parts as soon as I jumped. I cant say I felt any healing happen during my taper (although Im sure it was happening, perhaps I just couldn't see it or feel it). During my taper I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I ended up in the ER, they tried to commit me to a mental hospital until my psychiatrist stepped in and explained what was going on. I was house bound for months and had to stop working. Im not saying this to scare anyone or to trigger anyone, I just want to provide hope in that I felt hopeless. I thought I could not go on. I did not think I would make it. But here I am at 3.5 months off and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Do I have tough days still? Yes I do. But I have good days too. Im here on my first vacation with my son and having a great time. Im slowly stating to get my life back and those scary symptoms Seafoam describes … I had them all and they were total hell, but know that they are gone for me now. I have hard days but the depersonalization, derealization, agoraphobia, paranoia, etc. is gone now! So please know there is hope. I know our journeys are all slightly different, but I am confident than none of this is permanent for any of us.

 

Seafoam , the end of my taper was the ABSOLUTE hardest for me so I totally understand how you are feeling. But please be so proud of yourself, you have come so far and you are almost there my friend. You can do this. Listen to your body and do what is right for you. Im so glad that you have 2 supportive doctors. I could not have made it through the taper without my psychiatrist who guided me through the taper and allowed me to hold when I needed, or slow when I needed. There are some terrible doctors out there, but thank God there are some amazing ones too! Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

 

 

An AD might help with the depersonalization that I assume you are probably experiencing.

 

that’s funny you say that, i’ve hit a really bad depersonalization wall in the past 36 hours or so and i’m really having a hard time. my whole house looks foreign to me.

 

you mean an antidepressant?

 

Seafoam, my heart goes out to you. I have experienced the agoraphobia, the crushing depression and anxiety, the terrible ideation and the feeling of being completely alienated from myself and society. My mental symptoms have been worse than any physical symptoms. While I hate that anyone is feeling this way and would never wish any of this on my worst enemy, it helps to know that other people have experienced it to know that we are not crazy and we are not alone. Particularly the feeling of having life happen around me, as if I am living in a parallel universe or twilight zone, as if I am an alien of sorts or not part of this world. Its so hard to describe, my doctor looked at my like I was insane when I tried to explain this to him!

 

I do want to say all of these symptoms have improved post jump. I am about 3.5 months off and all of it has slowly gotten better. The taper was pure hell for me, and while acute and the post jump healing process are hard, for me, I started seeing signs of healing and improvement as soon as the meds were out of my system. I am so sorry you are suffering through this, but know that it will get better. You are so close to the end of your tapering journey. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I suffered through the EXACT same symptoms you described. You can do this seafoam, hang in there, you are almost there!

 

thank you so much this is really hard and it’s good knowing someone understands. i hope i can make it becuase it’s getting worse every day.

 

Yes an antidepressant is what I mean. I was loaded up on them in the days before my detox (horrible depression, inpatient) and I actually felt better at the end of my detox than when I was first admitted. Although I still felt horrible, just in a different less mental way. I was sick as a dog, but I no longer had that unreal bad acid trip feeling.