Please give me some advice

So I’m really at a loss. I can’t seem to manage this crushing depression no matter what I do. I thought the physical withdrawal would be my hardest obstacle, which oh my god it was, but I wasn’t ready for the crippling depression that followed. It’s been all day every day for weeks now. I decided I’d force myself to take some steps, like doing gentle yoga, changed my diet to be very nutritional, went on walks in the woods with my dogs.. that kinda stuff. I made it about a week and a half and I saw zero progress in my mood and I just caved in 4 days ago and haven’t been able to get out of bed since.

I quit my job when I decided to come off my medication. There was no other option really.

I basically lost all of my friends from my past relationship. And We split like 6 months ago  .. it’s been hell.im isolated and so lonely. I’m living with my parents now. They really try to understand but now they’re just very frustrated. I can tell it’s killing them to see me this way

I really don’t want to die but this is just too much for me to handle. The things that used to help my depression aren’t working at all. I know I need to give it more time but it’s so diffficult when you see no progress in your mood at all. Like ever.

I never thought it was possible to spend so much time alone in my room. It’s so sad. I’m too scared and depressed to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I feel like the biggest waste of space. I shouldnt be throwing my life away like this:( no one understands

Please, does anyone have more advice for me?

 

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Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

Emily,

Please do not give up. There is a way out of this. It will mean your being prepared to suffer a bit more, but once you start to heal, the light will be turned back on and you will want to live again.

I went through something very similar. I took benzos for thirty years and went CT off it all, plus to ADs. I had horrible depression plus a host of other truly strange symptoms. I was so down and low I  too, considered suicide. Only reason I didn't was being a coward and not wanting to hurt my five cats by just leaving them. I hug on tooth and nail. It took over a year for me to feel any better, and almost three years before I felt truly well. But do not let this spook you. Everyone is so different in how they heal and what rate they heal.

I remember the deep loneliness I felt then, as I had somehow turned off to all my friends, thanks to benzos. I was so alone, and it frightened me no end. BB was my only lifeline and I clung to it deeply.

Once you start to heal, slowly, all the good things in your life will return, but probably in some new form. The most important thing is that you know that people DO heal from this and resume normal lives. Scarred and battle-worn, but much better.

I beg you not to give up. You are SO worth fighting for. I can tell just from what you wrote that you and I have stuff in common. And I managed to deal with bwd, and so will you. You need to get just a basic understanding of what is going on, and why you feel as you do. There are several good articles about this here on BB. If you need help finding them, let me know. Having just a basic understanding of WHY you feel this way can be very reassuring.

Just make it through tonight, lady. And keep on writing. Someone will always respond to you.

east

Dear Emilyann,

 

We have walked the path you are now taking. Benzo withdrawal is so unfair and robs us of many things, parts of our lives that are important.  Benzo withdrawal is also solitary. But, you are not alone. You are amongst people who understand what you are going through, who feel the same you do.

 

Sadly, there is no way to hurry recovery. The cns will take whatever time it needs to heal, to return to balance. It will, it will work towards that goal.

 

I was also very alone, the only person who knew fully what was going on was my husband.  Even he really didn't 'get' it even though he did support me and told me he was in this for however long it took.

 

Benzo withdrawal is not permanent. With time you'll see improvements, little by little. Right now it's time to nurture yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself and accept this process.  Find ways to distract. I had my 'bag of tricks' that I rotated throughout the day. Reading, light hearted movies, puzzles, Scrabble, coloring, anything to take my mind off withdrawal, if only for a little while.

 

I thought I lost so much during this process. I would get jealous seeing people out doing things that before benzos I never thought twice about. Riding bikes, going out to dinner, driving whenever and where ever I wanted to. My bedroom was my oasis and Emily, I spent so much time there.

 

Little by little my world grew and little by little I regained all that I thought I'd lost. You'll see this too!

 

If you are having feelings of self harm it's very important to find someone to talk to about this. They might not understand withdrawal but they understand these types of feelings.  Please seek out someone by phone or in person. Your life is valuable and you will get it back.

 

Here are some resources for you:

 

Self-Harm Resources

 

Get through each day, minute by minute, hour by hour. Know that others have walked the path to wellness and have left big footprints for you to follow. 

 

pianogirl 

 

Well said, PG. And so very true. This can be a long journey, but if it ends up in the "light", it is worth it.

east

Emilyann, I know exactly where you're coming from. But you are not a waste of space, please believe me. It's hard enough without all the guilt about your parents. Just try to hold on. I'm also trying to do the same. Sending Big Hugs. Gxxx

Emilyann,

 

I know how you feel. I am in exactly the same situation as you. It`s been for months now...very difficult to deal with this, but please don`t give up. I have days when I feel I am really losing it, and thinking what`s the point to live like this..and I will never heal. Even there are days when I wake up crying...Really difficult to keep the faith and believe this will be better. I am jealous when I see people living a normal life, even go to grocery shopping, which I cannot do.

Plus I am self-employed and need to keep my small business alive to make a living which is getting really hard...I started to hate what I am doing and in every problematic occasion I get so angry and losing patience. I just feel I am in prison and started to feel like I don`t deserve to be better because I am not getting better. Difficult to accept the situation you are in, very difficult for me too..when will this be better?

Please don`t give up! You worth it! I feel the same, that I am not worth it though...but every one of us needs to face our own demons and we need to win. And we will.

There`s one thing helped me, actually two..recently I joined into family research..this takes a lot of time so keeps me distracted, and I started to learn a language too on Duolingo. This gives me success feeling. It helps me a lot and I enjoy it.

If you could think about one thing what would you like to do, do that! Doesn`t matter what is it. Crafting is one of the best to choose, learning a new skill,  but really anything you want. Difficult to start but please try. And do it when you feel like it.

Please keep well. Sending hugs xxx

 

Emily, please know you are not alone. Im having an extremely hard day today as well and I could have literally copied and pasted much of what you wrote as my own story. This crushing depression that comes with benzos is no joke, it is up there with cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me. I feel as if my life is completely unrecognizable, I too had to step away from my career, lost the majority of friends, people I was dating. Other than my son and a few family members I am completely alone. But I do have days where the depression lifts and that gives me hope of what the future holds. I know we wont feel like this forever. Sure, benzos has shattered many important aspects of our lives, but we will have a chance to rebuild and we will have a new outlook on life. Im glad your parents seem to be supportive. If you ever need to chat feel free to PM me, I assure you, I completely understand how you are feeling. It sucks, but it will get better with time and hard work on our parts. You are in my thoughts.

Yes, it's a nightmare going through a steady state of depression and it can be a heavy, dark place to be in. But it's not uncommon and seems most people come out of it in a relatively short period of time. If you're bed-ridden - so what. The idea is just to be kind/gentle to yourself. It's rough and you need not explain anything. I was bed-ridden for many months. Even still I've got to crash when it takes so much out of me. I hang out with the cat, watch an old movie. Wish I could play music as I once did - but it ain't gonna happen anytime soon. It's sad when you lose family or friends, relationships but when you are in recovery, socializing can be virtually impossible. I don't even try now. Hope it's eases up very soon and you can be free from this lousy stuff.