Checking into an inpatient tomorrow—please help

I almost 6 months out from what was basically a CT

 

I started mirtazipine a couple of weeks ago. It helped at first, but now I’ve gone from what seemed like manic depression into more of an anxiety and irritability laced mania with a smidge is depression now. I’m not taking any more mirtazipine

 

With my underlying conditions, I quite possibly need a mood stabilizer. Like tegretol or depakote.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore. But I cannot take anymore of this. I was able to bear working a bit before the mirt and now Im barely functional. Jittery. Agitated. Angry.

 

I don’t know if I’ve ever hated myself as much as I do right now.

Hi purple, I’m so sorry things aren’t getting better. I had mdd episodes a couple times. The anxious type of depression. It’s been a long process but I’m finally coming out of it all and feel good again. Please don’t hate yourself or ever think that you’re not deserving bc of what you’re going through. It can get better but it may take awhile.  Be patient with yourself and treat yourself kindly. Please let us know what happens.

Hi purple, I’m so sorry things aren’t getting better. I had mdd episodes a couple times. The anxious type of depression. It’s been a long process but I’m finally coming out of it all and feel good again. Please don’t hate yourself or ever think that you’re not deserving bc of what you’re going through. It can get better but it may take awhile.  Be patient with yourself and treat yourself kindly. Please let us know what happens.

 

I mean maybe I’m bipolar under all of this but never knew it.

 

But then I read stories of people with no underlying psych problems who have benzo withdrawal for years.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi purple, I’m so sorry things aren’t getting better. I had mdd episodes a couple times. The anxious type of depression. It’s been a long process but I’m finally coming out of it all and feel good again. Please don’t hate yourself or ever think that you’re not deserving bc of what you’re going through. It can get better but it may take awhile.  Be patient with yourself and treat yourself kindly. Please let us know what happens.

 

I mean maybe I’m bipolar under all of this but never knew it.

 

But then I read stories of people with no underlying psych problems who have benzo withdrawal for years.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

My life is ticking away here and I can’t wait for years to get better.

 

I have too much debt to pay.

Why were you prescribed vortioxetine?

Hi purple, I’m so sorry things aren’t getting better. I had mdd episodes a couple times. The anxious type of depression. It’s been a long process but I’m finally coming out of it all and feel good again. Please don’t hate yourself or ever think that you’re not deserving bc of what you’re going through. It can get better but it may take awhile.  Be patient with yourself and treat yourself kindly. Please let us know what happens.

 

I mean maybe I’m bipolar under all of this but never knew it.

 

But then I read stories of people with no underlying psych problems who have benzo withdrawal for years.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

My life is ticking away here and I can’t wait for years to get better.

 

I have too much debt to pay.

 

 

 

 

Hi purple, I’m so sorry things aren’t getting better. I had mdd episodes a couple times. The anxious type of depression. It’s been a long process but I’m finally coming out of it all and feel good again. Please don’t hate yourself or ever think that you’re not deserving bc of what you’re going through. It can get better but it may take awhile.  Be patient with yourself and treat yourself kindly. Please let us know what happens.

 

I mean maybe I’m bipolar under all of this but never knew it.

 

But then I read stories of people with no underlying psych problems who have benzo withdrawal for years.

 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

 

My life is ticking away here and I can’t wait for years to get better.

 

I have too much debt to pay.

 

 

 

And, like EVERYTHING triggers me. EVERYTHING. I can barely handle anything.

 

I hate this all so much. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I really hate who all of this has made me.

Why were you prescribed vortioxetine?

 

Depression

I am so sorry!!!  Been there before.  Not a doctor but if you and your doctor decide you need to be on a mood stabilizer I was on lamictal and it helped with few side affects.  My views have changed on long-term use of medication.  That is they should be used for crisis situations and to stabilize patients with the intention to wean them off once they are stabilized.  I am not a doctor or a medical professional but medicine does have it's place.

 

I wish you the very best and a quick recovery.  You will be in my prayers tonight.  You can PM me if you wish.

 

MissBella

Why were you prescribed vortioxetine?

 

Depression

 

And now I have a mood disorder I’ve been diagnosed with on top of everything.

 

Plus CPTSD, plus depression, plus anxiety and panic, plus OCD, plus ADHD. PLUS benzo withdrawal.

 

I cannot cope with all of this anymore.

I am so sorry!!!  Been there before.  Not a doctor but if you and your doctor decide you need to be on a mood stabilizer I was on lamictal and it helped with few side affects.  My views have changed on long-term use of medication.  That is they should be used for crisis situations and to stabilize patients with the intention to wean them off once they are stabilized.  I am not a doctor or a medical professional but medicine does have it's place.

 

I wish you the very best and a quick recovery.  You will be in my prayers tonight.  You can PM me if you wish.

 

MissBella

.

 

Thank you. I cannot take lamictal because it makes me itch. They tried this a few months ago.

I tired lamictal at one point too. For me, I had to get off everything and then wait and I finally came around. I was trying different meds after the Xanax ct I went through and it screwed with me even more.

What is it that you hate yourself so much?  You can't be all that bad!!!

 

MissBella

I tired lamictal at one point too. For me, I had to get off everything and then wait and I finally came around. I was trying different meds after the Xanax ct I went through and it screwed with me even more.

 

I am worried about that with my situation too. I don’t know if a mood stabilizer will help, or if it will be more misery.

 

I am ready to throw in the towel at present. If other meds won’t work, I’ll have to reinstate or quit working and go on disability. I just can’t do this anymore.

I have all that you mentioned except the ADHD and then BPD.  It can be overwhelming.  Are you in therapy?  What coping skills have you learned?

 

MissBella

What is it that you hate yourself so much?  You can't be all that bad!!!

 

MissBella

 

It’s part of my dysfunction. Or disorder, rather. Plus my life is in shreds. I live daily within the rubble of my blown up life. I barely even have any decent clothes to wear to my part time job, which I’m barely able to cope with for a measly 12 hrs per week. I look horrendous. I’m ashamed to be seen in public. I’m ashamed of so many things I’ve done. Living in my hometown that I have persistently tried to escape because I was treated so poorly here. No friends. Just a cesspool of shame.

 

I’ll stop my pity party here.

 

I guess I’m just trying to answer why I hate myself and my life so much, and that I have so much rebuilding to do in my life, and now, with benzo withdrawal on top of it, everything is quite insurmountable.

Purpleheart,

 

Sometimes it is just the safe thing to do when you are feeling so overwhelmed to check into the hospital.  It gives you a safe supportive environment and the medical attention you need to stablize.  No shame in doing this for yourself.  It's scary but actually a brave thing to do.

 

MissBella

 

I understand not being able to take it anymore and needing to go inpatient. It sounds like you had a bad reaction to the remeron. Benzos cause me to have bad reactions or paradoxical reactions to basically every psych med there is. I went through about 15, it was hell. I understand how you're feeling I've been in a similar place. I would say psych meds worsened my mental illness in the long run. They are usually helpful for awhile, though not anymore, not for me. I was desperate and really wanted them to work. After many years I'm done. It is really hard.

 

Just be aware that inpatient psych is going to put you on meds, that's what they do. At least you are off the benzos because I went in feeling like you are last year and got a forced CT off valium. I also have CPTSD and some kind of bipolar etc and honestly, I'll never go inpatient again. Forced psych holds are not good for CPTSD...Although I guess they can't force you to stay if you aren't suicidal/psychotic. I was having SI.

 

I'm really sorry you are feeling so poorly, it's truly awful. I hope you get the help and support you need and this goes well for you. I've had some really good psych ward experiences too. I'm just telling you what I wish I had known before I went to the last one. Hugs

I have all that you mentioned except the ADHD and then BPD.  It can be overwhelming.  Are you in therapy?  What coping skills have you learned?

 

MissBella

 

I am in therapy, but it’s not enough. Basically all I can do to cope is distract myself because I’m so ill most days. We have started EMDR therapy, but I’m almost too fragile for it at present.

 

I really need more intense therapy and more frequent therapy. That’s why I think I need to inpatient somewhere.

I understand not being able to take it anymore and needing to go inpatient. It sounds like you had a bad reaction to the remeron. Benzos cause me to have bad reactions or paradoxical reactions to basically every psych med there is. I went through about 15, it was hell. I understand how you're feeling I've been in a similar place. I would say psych meds worsened my mental illness in the long run. They are usually helpful for awhile, though not anymore, not for me. I was desperate and really wanted them to work. After many years I'm done. It is really hard.

 

Just be aware that inpatient psych is going to put you on meds, that's what they do. At least you are off the benzos because I went in feeling like you are last year and got a forced CT off valium. I also have CPTSD and some kind of bipolar etc and honestly, I'll never go inpatient again. Forced psych holds are not good for CPTSD...Although I guess they can't force you to stay if you aren't suicidal/psychotic. I was having SI.

 

I'm really sorry you are feeling so poorly, it's truly awful. I hope you get the help and support you need and this goes well for you. I've had some really good psych ward experiences too. I'm just telling you what I wish I had known before I went to the last one. Hugs

 

Why did they force you into a CT?

I understand not being able to take it anymore and needing to go inpatient. It sounds like you had a bad reaction to the remeron. Benzos cause me to have bad reactions or paradoxical reactions to basically every psych med there is. I went through about 15, it was hell. I understand how you're feeling I've been in a similar place. I would say psych meds worsened my mental illness in the long run. They are usually helpful for awhile, though not anymore, not for me. I was desperate and really wanted them to work. After many years I'm done. It is really hard.

 

Just be aware that inpatient psych is going to put you on meds, that's what they do. At least you are off the benzos because I went in feeling like you are last year and got a forced CT off valium. I also have CPTSD and some kind of bipolar etc and honestly, I'll never go inpatient again. Forced psych holds are not good for CPTSD...Although I guess they can't force you to stay if you aren't suicidal/psychotic. I was having SI.

 

I'm really sorry you are feeling so poorly, it's truly awful. I hope you get the help and support you need and this goes well for you. I've had some really good psych ward experiences too. I'm just telling you what I wish I had known before I went to the last one. Hugs

 

Were the 15 you were on while you were tapering? What kinds did they put you on?

Purple,

 

Forgive me but what is EMDR?  I hesitate to ask but are u safe?

 

MissBella

 

Purple,

 

Forgive me but what is EMDR?  I hesitate to ask but are u safe?

 

MissBella

 

 

It’s eye movement trauma therapy. So far, I think it’s actually made me more traumatized. I’m likely too fragile for it. I mean, it works, but I’m too easily triggered now. I don’t completely understand how it works, but it’s supossed to get both sides of the brain working back in balance again.

 

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.

Purple,

 

Forgive me but what is EMDR?  I hesitate to ask but are u safe?

 

MissBella

 

 

Yes Im safe.

They forced me to CT because they are evil, and don't believe benzo wd is real. Never abused it and was on a slow taper. I had nurses laughing in my face telling me I was making it up and crazy. Other nurse told me he'd seen patients have seizures on unit from what they were doing there. It was really, really horrific. It was NOT even a detox facility. They traumatized me. I was forced onto high dose of gabapentin that really messed me up and then reinstated when I was feeling like you are describing and am slow tapering. They lied and said I was suicidal and did a 14 day hold even though I was only feeling suicidal the first day...

 

I tried just about every SSRI, mood stabilizer, bipolar med, all the drugs you can imagine. I became full on allergic to the lithium/lamictal cocktail I got off years ago that was causing all kinds of health problems, along with benzo wd I didn't know was going on. Now if I take any psych med I have reaction like you where it causes me to be further destabilized, or an allergic reaction, or an immediate migraine that just gets worse and worse. I think benzos have made me very sensitive to psych meds.

 

The one thing that does help a bit is a ketamine nasal spray my psychiatrist has had compounded for me over the past year but it's rare to find one who will do this. It's the only one I tolerate.

 

Thought for you is to look into outpatient programs as well. You can do PHP (partial hospitalizations) or IOP (less days usually than PHP) where you just go during the day or a few days per week. You can ask your therapist about these or call your insurance mental health line. That being said psych wards and residential treatment programs really helped me once upon a time, and it's usually easier to get into their outpatient programs after you go inpatient...good luck

Note on EMDR, if you're feeling more traumatized then it's maybe not for you. In fact, the research shows that it can be harmful for CPTSD vs just PTSD or fewer traumatic incidents. It does help CPTSD sometimes. Not for me either.