I AM WORRIED I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE CRAZY...WHEN DO YOU KNOW IT'S NOT THE DRUGS?

I was on Xanax 5 months and did a rapid two month taper with Klonopin. I have been off for 10 weeks today. Every day is a struggle to keep pushing forward as all of you know. I was starting to see some progress like better quality of sleep and lessening physical symptoms and then BAM! yesterday morning I woke up and I was crazy and depressed out of nowhere. I do my best to battle the symptoms when they come. I feel like I can handle the physical way more than the mental. Recently I've been having very disturbing and weird promptings and thoughts like, I could move to China or be homeless or I could get in my car and leave my four kids and just drive until I die. What is wrong with me??? Is this really a side effect to the medications? I have never had any psychotic breaks or thoughts like this before in my life. I am oriented to person, place and time. I know where I am and who I am. This DP/DR and these weird thoughts are making me feel crazy like I just need to end it all. Anyone please?? The only reason I was put on this drug was to help me sleep after my mom died and I had chronic health problems.

Your symptoms are like a lot of people in benzo withdrawal have. It's the drug that's causing this. IT ISN'T THE REAL YOU. You're someplace inside, but your mind and body are going through a lot of changes and causing a lot of weird thoughts - weird intrusive thoughts.

 

Thoughts of death are very common in withdrawal/recovery, unfortunately, and they bring up fear and anxiety, which can cause a vicious cycle.

 

Try to distract yourself from the thoughts as much as you can. Tell yourself that "my body is healing, and that's why I have these thoughts." Don't believe any of them because they're not true. Our bodies do odd things during withdrawal from benzos, and therefore they affect our minds to a great extent.

 

Hang in there!!! 

 

 

I’m the same way

Your symptoms are like a lot of people in benzo withdrawal have. It's the drug that's causing this. IT ISN'T THE REAL YOU. You're someplace inside, but your mind and body are going through a lot of changes and causing a lot of weird thoughts - weird intrusive thoughts.

 

Thoughts of death are very common in withdrawal/recovery, unfortunately, and they bring up fear and anxiety, which can cause a vicious cycle.

 

Try to distract yourself from the thoughts as much as you can. Tell yourself that "my body is healing, and that's why I have these thoughts." Don't believe any of them because they're not true. Our bodies do odd things during withdrawal from benzos, and therefore they affect our minds to a great extent.

 

 

GREAT post Terry! 

 

Hang in there!!! 

It's all common withdrawal feelings. Just remember that and wait it out when it happens. I've been having feelings of dp and suicide this whole time but from reading others posts on this board I know this is benzo w/d and not me. I also have had lots of thoughts of wanting to get in my car and drive away from my whole life.

I’m 28 months and feel like that still and start to wonder what’s really wrong

From the other side, I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and bad PTSD and so on during my life. Guess what I realized a few months ago? EVERY time this happened I was on benzos, or had been on them and had stopped. They do not help mental illness, they worsen it, and even cause it, this is factual and probably true for most psych meds (we need real research that isn't biased, they tend to only publish positive studies). It was always the drugs! They are specifically known to cause suicidal ideation, it's a side effect and there is strong research on how they contribute worsening psych outcomes and suicide attempts. The medical world will want to make you believe this isn't possible but you already know this isn't you, they always blame the patient and for some reason don't have the logic to see that messing with the nervous system messes with the nervous system and we barely know the effects these meds really have (until we get to getting off of them, then they treat us like we are insane and just need the meds that damaged us)!!!

 

It's not you, you are healing. It's hard, I've been there more times than I would like, I'm SO sorry you are going through this, it's going to be ok. Keep reaching out for help because meds or not, these are real thoughts and god forbid you go through with an impulse! (Not trying to scare you I've just been through this soooo many times). You could make a sign for yourself somewhere you can see it often, something like: "You are not crazy, you are in protracted benzo withdrawal/benzo injured". Repeat. I personally need reminders.

From the other side, I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and bad PTSD and so on during my life. Guess what I realized a few months ago? EVERY time this happened I was on benzos, or had been on them and had stopped. They do not help mental illness, they worsen it, and even cause it, this is factual and probably true for most psych meds (we need real research that isn't biased, they tend to only publish positive studies). It was always the drugs! They are specifically known to cause suicidal ideation, it's a side effect and there is strong research on how they contribute worsening psych outcomes and suicide attempts. The medical world will want to make you believe this isn't possible but you already know this isn't you, they always blame the patient and for some reason don't have the logic to see that messing with the nervous system messes with the nervous system and we barely know the effects these meds really have (until we get to getting off of them, then they treat us like we are insane and just need the meds that damaged us)!!!

 

It's not you, you are healing. It's hard, I've been there more times than I would like, I'm SO sorry you are going through this, it's going to be ok. Keep reaching out for help because meds or not, these are real thoughts and god forbid you go through with an impulse! (Not trying to scare you I've just been through this soooo many times). You could make a sign for yourself somewhere you can see it often, something like: "You are not crazy, you are in protracted benzo withdrawal/benzo injured". Repeat. I personally need reminders.

 

Thank you so much. I think I am going to write a letter to myself now that I am through this last bout. It also seems to happen around my period which I don't fully understand. The only thing I can think is that I would usually get a bit depressed around that time of the month and I'd push through it and of course it would pass. But now I feel downright psychotic. I was actually researching gun stores to go buy a gun!  And then I drove off into the blue with no thought to where I was going. I felt absolutely terrified and crazy. And then in two days, it lessened. I don't think I can keep doing this

From the other side, I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and bad PTSD and so on during my life. Guess what I realized a few months ago? EVERY time this happened I was on benzos, or had been on them and had stopped. They do not help mental illness, they worsen it, and even cause it, this is factual and probably true for most psych meds (we need real research that isn't biased, they tend to only publish positive studies). It was always the drugs! They are specifically known to cause suicidal ideation, it's a side effect and there is strong research on how they contribute worsening psych outcomes and suicide attempts. The medical world will want to make you believe this isn't possible but you already know this isn't you, they always blame the patient and for some reason don't have the logic to see that messing with the nervous system messes with the nervous system and we barely know the effects these meds really have (until we get to getting off of them, then they treat us like we are insane and just need the meds that damaged us)!!!

 

It's not you, you are healing. It's hard, I've been there more times than I would like, I'm SO sorry you are going through this, it's going to be ok. Keep reaching out for help because meds or not, these are real thoughts and god forbid you go through with an impulse! (Not trying to scare you I've just been through this soooo many times). You could make a sign for yourself somewhere you can see it often, something like: "You are not crazy, you are in protracted benzo withdrawal/benzo injured". Repeat. I personally need reminders.

 

Thank you so much. I think I am going to write a letter to myself now that I am through this last bout. It also seems to happen around my period which I don't fully understand. The only thing I can think is that I would usually get a bit depressed around that time of the month and I'd push through it and of course it would pass. But now I feel downright psychotic. I was actually researching gun stores to go buy a gun!  And then I drove off into the blue with no thought to where I was going. I felt absolutely terrified and crazy. And then in two days, it lessened. I don't think I can keep doing this

 

Oh momma! Same. This stuff really messes with our hormones. around my cycle I totally lose it. But I know for sure that it goes away when I'm off the meds for a few months. I've healed it before. Hang in there. Hugs

From the other side, I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and bad PTSD and so on during my life. Guess what I realized a few months ago? EVERY time this happened I was on benzos, or had been on them and had stopped. They do not help mental illness, they worsen it, and even cause it, this is factual and probably true for most psych meds (we need real research that isn't biased, they tend to only publish positive studies). It was always the drugs! They are specifically known to cause suicidal ideation, it's a side effect and there is strong research on how they contribute worsening psych outcomes and suicide attempts. The medical world will want to make you believe this isn't possible but you already know this isn't you, they always blame the patient and for some reason don't have the logic to see that messing with the nervous system messes with the nervous system and we barely know the effects these meds really have (until we get to getting off of them, then they treat us like we are insane and just need the meds that damaged us)!!!

 

It's not you, you are healing. It's hard, I've been there more times than I would like, I'm SO sorry you are going through this, it's going to be ok. Keep reaching out for help because meds or not, these are real thoughts and god forbid you go through with an impulse! (Not trying to scare you I've just been through this soooo many times). You could make a sign for yourself somewhere you can see it often, something like: "You are not crazy, you are in protracted benzo withdrawal/benzo injured". Repeat. I personally need reminders.

 

Thank you so much. I think I am going to write a letter to myself now that I am through this last bout. It also seems to happen around my period which I don't fully understand. The only thing I can think is that I would usually get a bit depressed around that time of the month and I'd push through it and of course it would pass. But now I feel downright psychotic. I was actually researching gun stores to go buy a gun!  And then I drove off into the blue with no thought to where I was going. I felt absolutely terrified and crazy. And then in two days, it lessened. I don't think I can keep doing this

 

Oh momma! Same. This stuff really messes with our hormones. around my cycle I totally lose it. But I know for sure that it goes away when I'm off the meds for a few months. I've healed it before. Hang in there. Hugs

 

 

Really? I didn't know it was a thing. I tried researching that topic on here and couldn't find anything. That is encouraging to know it got better for you. It's terrifying to me to feel so absolutely crazy. I've only been off for 2.5 months. Thanks for your support 

You're welcome. Yah there is a whole support thread on this. http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=109103.0

 

I notice that my waves cycle exactly with my menstrual hormone cycle. When my estrogen drops off around week two all hell starts to break loose and then when progesterone plummets right before and during menstruation I become suicidal. I read some research that progesterone becomes another chemical that effects the efficacy of benzos and GABA in general so this makes sense. There is definitely not enough research on how medications affect women's hormones in general.

 

In case you are interested, because you sound like you're at your wits end, What I do to heal is a short term (not low carb) Paleo diet with lots of starchy vegetables and fruit for the wd (it's still low enough to stabilize blood sugar which helps with mood swings). It's really stabilizing and helps hormonal balance for me. Most medications disrupt the gut flora, and the gut flora are responsible for our mental health, so is our gut integrity. This diet fixes that, naturally. I spent a lot of years researching this and I have a nutrition degree. I only need to do it for a couple of months and I feel so much within weeks. From psychotic like episodes to pretty level. I just did it even tapering and it's saved me again. I also take vitex capsules (to balance progesterone) and probiotics in the am, I am super sensitive and don't react to these supplements negatively. I've done this a few times with amazing success. Just FYI no pressure but it's been an actual live saver for me and many others. It's a big change and you have to cook and so on but temporary and the relief is epic.

You're welcome. Yah there is a whole support thread on this. http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=109103.0

 

I notice that my waves cycle exactly with my menstrual hormone cycle. When my estrogen drops off around week two all hell starts to break loose and then when progesterone plummets right before and during menstruation I become suicidal. I read some research that progesterone becomes another chemical that effects the efficacy of benzos and GABA in general so this makes sense. There is definitely not enough research on how medications affect women's hormones in general.

 

In case you are interested, because you sound like you're at your wits end, What I do to heal is a short term (not low carb) Paleo diet with lots of starchy vegetables and fruit for the wd (it's still low enough to stabilize blood sugar which helps with mood swings). It's really stabilizing and helps hormonal balance for me. Most medications disrupt the gut flora, and the gut flora are responsible for our mental health, so is our gut integrity. This diet fixes that, naturally. I spent a lot of years researching this and I have a nutrition degree. I only need to do it for a couple of months and I feel so much within weeks. From psychotic like episodes to pretty level. I just did it even tapering and it's saved me again. I also take vitex capsules (to balance progesterone) and probiotics in the am, I am super sensitive and don't react to these supplements negatively. I've done this a few times with amazing success. Just FYI no pressure but it's been an actual live saver for me and many others. It's a big change and you have to cook and so on but temporary and the relief is epic.

 

Thank you so much for that thread!  What a relief to know that it's an actual thing and I'm not crazy. Now it just scares me to think that I am going to have to feel that way once every month. When will this ever ever end?? 

You're in acute withdrawal! A lot of people feel crazy in acute. As for how long does it take before you know it's not the drugs, you don't need to think about such things. A normal healing time is 18 months to 2 years. You could also be done with all this tomorrow. Honestly. Tomorrow. Today. Stop fretting and just let the process happen knowing you've done what you needed to do and you will soon be free of all this.

Unfortunately those symptoms can go on for years so try to distract.  The reality is stark.  Find coping mechanisms.  This thread highlights the more common truth about withdrawal and recovery.http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=199409.0

 

Having been in this mess for 26 months now I can tell you you will need to buckle down and hold on.  For what I don't know.  Good luck.  Sorry for you suffering.

HI1989

 

Can I ask what you are still suffering from at 26 months off?

It's all common withdrawal feelings. Just remember that and wait it out when it happens. I've been having feelings of dp and suicide this whole time but from reading others posts on this board I know this is benzo w/d and not me. I also have had lots of thoughts of wanting to get in my car and drive away from my whole life.

 

 

Sunlit10 OMG I cant believe you said that about driving away from your life in your car. I literally have had the EXACT same feeling for MONTHS!!! ITs getting better though

Oh my. DP/DR and intrusive thoughts is my main symptoms, and it can be very very hard sometimes. These were so low couple of months for me, but they came back with a vengeance. I feel totally alienated, and the thoughts about death, deep fear about random things.

I hope these goes away as soon as possible, but we have to hang in there, these thoughts and feelings are not true!

 

All the best everybody! We will heal!

Oh my. DP/DR and intrusive thoughts is my main symptoms, and it can be very very hard sometimes. These were so low couple of months for me, but they came back with a vengeance. I feel totally alienated, and the thoughts about death, deep fear about random things.

I hope these goes away as soon as possible, but we have to hang in there, these thoughts and feelings are not true!

 

All the best everybody! We will heal!

 

Yes, those are very disturbing symptoms and ones I have as well. You are not alone! I just keep thinking to myself at the end of every day, "Okay, another 24 hours down. Another day gone. Another day closer to the light and this being done." 

Still having very weird introspection and intrusive crazy thoughts, fear, existentialism etc at 25 months. It's a very normal part of withdrawal, it gets better when you heal. Just takes longer for some of us, unfortunately. Most of us never had any issues with intrusive thoughts or disconnected thoughts that dont feel like they come from you, before we got on these drugs.

If you were truly crazy you wouldn't be asking us if you are crazy. Crazy people don't know they're crazy. What you are experiencing  normal for withdrawal, unfortunately. It will pass eventually.

I had to smile when I read your topic because your question might be the one and only question anyone in withdrawal keeps repeating.

 

And my first answer was: "You know your are not crazy and it was all about the drugs - when you are med free and some years off, when you feel what your real you is like, and when you have the power to concentrate on the nice things in life". Thats where I am now and I had to taper lots of meds and have thought for about 7 years that I would never make it and that I am for sure are totally crazy..