I really hate myself today.

I've been sleeping okay lately...not great, but okay. I'm functional, but not much else. I took a third of a seroquel last night. Second time in 20 days, last time was about a week and a half ago. I feel groggy as hell, my thought processes are scrambled, and I'm pissed at myself for being weak. I'm happy about getting a solid 8 hrs sleep, but at what cost? I was doing okay, I didn't NEED the seroquel (the Tryptophan, Theanine, and binaural beats work just fine), but I had a moment of weakness and took a little piece anyway. Maybe I ought to bite it and toss the stuff, but I can't bring myself to do it. Gods, am I ever going to really be able to get away from this shit?

 

It's reaching the point where I hate to go to bed. The bed is the enemy. I guess it's time to go back to the therapist. We did some EMDR on the bed NOT being the enemy, but I guess it didn't stick. I sleep better with exercise, but I've been slacking off on that too. Nobody to blame but myself. I just don't want to get on that damn bike again, and I'm not sure why. I always feel better once I'm off. Been slacking on my yoga, too. I spend way to much time just sitting and obsessing over my symptoms, and not enough time actually DOING something that will help. I hate myself. I'm weak and lazy. Maybe I'll do better once the 4 week acute phase is over. I don't know. 8-11 days to go.

 

At least I've stayed out of the other two drugs. Definitely no temptation there. They're the most important ones to stay clear of, IMO. I truly hate to having to fight with myself and everything else I don't like out there.

Mayavata,

 

Try to forgive yourself. You've identified what you want to do differently. Let go of past mistakes and do your best as you step forward. We all get tired, lose motivation, and get tired of the fight from time to time. Then it's easy to make decisions we regret. All we can do is brush ourselves off then and step forward a little wiser, remembering that we're humans doing the best we can.

Be gentle with yourself. Look at all that you have accomplished! You have a ton to be proud of; no need to be so hard on yourself for a little slip. As MT said - get back up, brush yourself off, and move forward. You can do this!

 

 

I used to have terrible insomnia, seroquel was one of about 9 sleeping meds my doctor tried, and it only worked a few times. One time a zopiclone had me crawling to bed only to not sleep.

 

Trust me when I tell you that the worst thing you can do is think about it.

 

When you lay down to sleep you need to purge any and all thoughts about your real life. The old advice about "counting sheep" is actually the answer, but perhaps a few centuries outdated. You need to use your imagination and think about something other than real life issues. Even thinking the dreaded, "What time is it? And if I fall asleep now I will get X hours of sleep" is never ever going to help you, it keeps you up.

If your mind is racing you can try ASMR, it works well to slow my mind down in such cases.

 

Using only the above strategy I can sleep any time I want now. I can lay down when i'm wide awake and so long as I "day dream" and avoid any and all thoughts about real life issues, I fall asleep. It takes practice. I used a blank movie theater screen to tug myself back to when I caught myself thinking about real life.

"I need to go shopping and..... nope....picture the movie screen!"

From there use a show or movie you love and watch it in your mind. Enter the story as a character. Use your imagination to avoid real life thoughts.

 

The way I look at it now is this: When you experience any stress you can't sleep. Stress means there is something dangerous that needs to be dealt with so your body prevents sleep to avoid danger. To us the lack of sleep IS the danger, it can result in job loss, missing appointments and a host of other problems.

Our modern lifestyles create stress that our body doesn't understand. It wants to stay awake to deal with the danger, but we want to sleep. You are literally fighting your own subconscious.

 

Don't hold yourself to normal goals at this stage in your life. You need to heal.

Even when you think you are doing nothing, that is never the case.

You are healing, even if it's hard to measure. Healing is more than just important, it's the single most important thing you can do right now.

Thanks everyone, for the kind words and encouragement. I was feeling really down yesterday, but the seroquel fuzzies have worn off, and I'm better today. Didn't sleep for crap last night as a result of the seroquel the night before, but that just means I'll sleep better tonight.

 

NHF - I quit fretting about sleep for the most part. I used to stress out about it constantly. I don't look at the clock (mostly), or worry about what time it is. If I can't sleep, I just let my brain wander around where it will. I keep telling myself, "hey, what's the worst that's gonna happen...you'll be tired tomorrow, big deal. Tired isn't going to kill you."

 

Going to try to get back on the exercise today. If nothing else works, wearing myself to a thread sometimes does.

 

Thanks, everyone.

Maya: Let the past go, and forgive yourself every day; however, practice mindfulness as well; this helps me not fall in the same trap every time;it takes discipline and practice. When I started my withdrawal I made a conscious decision that I was going to use my imagination more and push my brain our of its comfort zone. I decided to take up piano lessons, and after 18 months I have reached intermediate level. This is something I always wanted to do and I was not going to let withdrawal ruin this dream of mine. At the beginning was very hard because my cognition level was down the drain. I can truly say now that I have improved my neuroplasticity greatly. I also took up hand bells at church and singing in the choir. I know taking up music lessons may not work for everyone, but it certainly is working for me and I am enjoying it very much.  Exercising pushing yourself a bit harder when you can, doing anything artsy/cooking/gardening, coloring, etc all will help you get through this and who knows you may find a new passion in your life. I will embark now in learning how to can/ferment naturally my own vegetables and making kefir. I also believe that taking care of the gut pathways is key to better mental health where most of the neurotransmitters are produced. What NHF says is sooo true. I love to put my self sometimes in movies that I loved as a child like the Sound of Music. Recently I memorized the song 'My favorite things' from that movie and sing it or humm it all the time. Humming is relaxing like doing Ommmm

Take care, you will do fine!

Mayavata I wouldnt feel bad If I were you. You can only do what you can do. I know that now there is no way i could ever go back and deal with the kind of insomnia that i was dealing with when i first started tapering.

 

I aged about 20 years when I went thri that.

 

So when the insomnia starts now and its over one night I take a small piece of a seroqel. I think getting sleep and resting the body is as important as letting the brain heal by not taking medicine. So there has to be some kind of compromise of getting rest and not taking more meds. Sometimes you have to do what you can to allow your body to rest.

 

Good luck to you.

I've been sleeping okay lately...not great, but okay. I'm functional, but not much else. I took a third of a seroquel last night. Second time in 20 days, last time was about a week and a half ago. I feel groggy as hell, my thought processes are scrambled, and I'm pissed at myself for being weak. I'm happy about getting a solid 8 hrs sleep, but at what cost? I was doing okay, I didn't NEED the seroquel (the Tryptophan, Theanine, and binaural beats work just fine), but I had a moment of weakness and took a little piece anyway. Maybe I ought to bite it and toss the stuff, but I can't bring myself to do it. Gods, am I ever going to really be able to get away from this shit?

 

It's reaching the point where I hate to go to bed. The bed is the enemy. I guess it's time to go back to the therapist. We did some EMDR on the bed NOT being the enemy, but I guess it didn't stick. I sleep better with exercise, but I've been slacking off on that too. Nobody to blame but myself. I just don't want to get on that damn bike again, and I'm not sure why. I always feel better once I'm off. Been slacking on my yoga, too. I spend way to much time just sitting and obsessing over my symptoms, and not enough time actually DOING something that will help. I hate myself. I'm weak and lazy. Maybe I'll do better once the 4 week acute phase is over. I don't know. 8-11 days to go.

 

At least I've stayed out of the other two drugs. Definitely no temptation there. They're the most important ones to stay clear of, IMO. I truly hate to having to fight with myself and everything else I don't like out there.

 

Hey, you. I saw your post. I also struggle with self-loathing and it is really hindering my progress....it ties in with my phobias and

 

 

Edit: sorry — the beginning cut off.

 

It ties in with my phobias and leads me to staying in bed, overeating, or smoking cigarettes.

 

If my nerves were a bit calmer, I’m wondering if I could overcome some of this.....I’m not sure.

 

Know that you have a buddy here who understands what you are going through. 💜

Meditation is a proven nonmedication way of calming nerves and grounding yourself. It is also easy to do and very relaxing.

Meditation is a proven nonmedication way of calming nerves and grounding yourself. It is also easy to do and very relaxing.

Yeah, I have been doing it for many years. I do it several times per day.