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Summer 2019 Jumpers - Focus Forward and Reintegration


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I’m starting this group for buddies jumping in the near future, namely now or this summer of 2019.

 

It’s a place to discuss our healing, to reflect on our journey and lessons learned, and to support each other as we reintegrate back into life.

 

I know I learned so much through this ordeal- and I’m grateful for what I’ve learned. I still don’t think it was worth the nightmare of w/d but it helps to hold onto the positive things I learned and to remind myself of them when I feel angry or sad about having to go through w/d.

 

I am definitely healing and am so much more interested in life. My motivation is back. My enjoyment of life is back mostly. I’m still limited by what my body can do physically as I still have sxs and am still tapering. I have been sick for over 4 yrs, tapering for over 3 yrs. I was a short term user of klonopin initially. I have had almost every sx in the book- physical, mental, emotional. You can see my taper and history details in my signature.

 

So now as I reintegrate, I find myself with a lot of questions.

What do I want to do with my life when I’m off and healed? Go back to what I was doing before? Something different? Something around benzos?

 

People seem to think I’ll be the same as before- just not sick. But I’ve changed so much. Maybe this is like coming back from war. We’ve seen layers of hell most ppl don’t even know exist, a hell that is beyond the human imagination. Of course it had changed us.

 

What’s important to me in life now? How do I not get caught up in the web of everyday modern life, the rat race, frivolous drama?

How do I maintain my meditation practice...or My mindfulness that I learned in this?

How much do I want to tell my friends?

 

How do I keep this from happening again- not benzos, but a setback from something else?

 

These are just some of the ?s I contemplate and would love to share thoughts with others jumping soon. Questions specific to the taper details would better be answered on one of the tapering threads.

Thanks!

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Great idea Libr!

You ask good questions.  It will be good to work through some of these ideas with others who understand the backstory.

Circlestar

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  • 2 weeks later...

As the end nears, I feel a renewed anger about what has happened and time/life lost to benzo. Almost like now that I’m getting better, I can see what I’ve missed all these yrs. how do you deal with the anger?

 

Circlestar- feel free to invite others to join this grp.

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I'll be jumping soon so I'll join the group. I'm still tapering and having some sxs , but I feel the healing for sure.

The last few crumbs are still giving me some issues, didn't expect this but some have experienced the same .

Not sure of my dose but it's very low.  According to the chart .037g equals  .5 ml.  and I'm down to .010 g .

The last two weeks I've been very active outside instead of staying in the house of the couch.  I joined my neighbor for an afternoon of cooking out, something I haven't been able to do for 2 years. 

I still struggle with social anxiety but it comes and goes so I'm sure it'll get better.  Summer time is my time of the year especially cooking out and enjoying outside, swimming or working out in the yard.

My sleep is still broken and the schedule seems pretty predictable . I'll get broken sleep for 2-3 days then sleep hard for at least 2 and up every morning by 6 am.

My biggest issue are my neck muscles getting very rigid almost non movable to the point I have nerve pain, I push through it seem better for a few days then all over again.  Every night around 9 the stiffness goes away, the buzzing in my ears goes away, almost everything goes away and I relax for a nights sleep.

The mornings are very hard especially at work, dealing with the normal pressures, but I some how make it. Don't get me wrong, some days I come home only to think to myself how did I make it today?

I don't think this .010g is doing much and hope to taper down to 0 in the next few days.

I plan a vacation soon so maybe I can relax while I'm at the beach. 

Libr , so glad you started this group.

 

Happy healing.

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This is a great thread idea.

I’m currently down to 2.9mg V. I’ve been in this hell for 5 years.

I’m finally seeing an end in sight. But as excited as I am, I’m just as scared. I have been on benzos since I was 19. I’m 34 now. This hell has changed my entire life and soul. I’ll never be the same. But in a good way. Can’t wait to see what my life becomes after this.

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Yes, we’ve been intently focused on benzos, w/d and taper for so long. What will it be like for that to not be the focus of our attention anymore? I’m excited for sure but I can’t just go back to how it was before. I do t tell my friends much about this and even if I do say anything, I don’t really bring it up again. I don’t want it to define me. I don’t want to be the “sick” one.

 

I live in a fast paced competitive suburban community. It’s hard to not get swept into it. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I like a slower paced life, doing less, being mindful. I find it  difficult to maintain that mindset in the midst of my community. But I’m trying.

 

I also find that as I feel better, I want to do so many more things. Like just do so much and be involved all over. Almost like I’m trying to make up for lost time. To live and experience enough to make up for what I didn’t get to do while sick. Idk. It exhausts me and is not sustainable. Maybe it’s some sort of sx???  I do still have intrusive and obsessive thoughts.

 

I’m at 0.37 V now- wow, that number sounds so low!

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It's going to be nice to wake up in the morning and not take a dose of poison...... this will be my first day without anything. The dizziness is still there at times, the vibrations in my lower legs are shallow, and the tinnitus only comes in the afternoons. I can tell they are all getting very shallow as the days pass.

 

I guess I'm the first Summer Jumper........ :smitten:

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It's going to be nice to wake up in the morning and not take a dose of poison...... this will be my first day without anything. The dizziness is still there at times, the vibrations in my lower legs are shallow, and the tinnitus only comes in the afternoons. I can tell they are all getting very shallow as the days pass.

 

I guess I'm the first Summer Jumper........ :smitten:

 

?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2FhqIaXesRGpP44%2Fgiphy.gif&f=1

 

[move][shadow=red,left][glow=red,2,300]Congratulations caltn!!! Well done http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/new-year/new-year-cheer-smiley-emoticon.gif[/glow][/shadow] [/move]

Wishing you a full, speedy recovery my friend :smitten:

 

 

 

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It's going to be nice to wake up in the morning and not take a dose of poison...... this will be my first day without anything. The dizziness is still there at times, the vibrations in my lower legs are shallow, and the tinnitus only comes in the afternoons. I can tell they are all getting very shallow as the days pass.

 

I guess I'm the first Summer Jumper........ :smitten:

 

?u=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2FhqIaXesRGpP44%2Fgiphy.gif&f=1

 

[move][shadow=red,left][glow=red,2,300]Congratulations caltn!!! Well done http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/new-year/new-year-cheer-smiley-emoticon.gif[/glow][/shadow] [/move]

Wishing you a full, speedy recovery my friend :smitten:

 

Thanks Bella for guiding me along the way, your support really made a huge difference.

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I hope to finish DLMT this summer. I mixed .253 Xanax for tomorrow, and I've been steady since I went to liquid.

 

My life pretty much imploded due to the Xanax and an unsupervised taper with no idea that it was causing awful side effects.

 

I did tell one son last night what is going on (as he was in from out-of-state for a quick visit), so I guess that is a start.

 

I'm not sure how I'm going to do life now.

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  CONGRATS CATLN!!!!

:smitten:

 

Lilyann - you are doing a fabulous job, just keep doing as you are - one foot in front of the other. It will all work out, it is the benzo lies in our head that keeps us fretting and in a tail spin.  You did a brave thing, sharing the truth of what is going on in your life with your son, good girl.  now just breathe hon................

afac4bf3227dcdcccb740e3fc947ce64.jpg

 

 

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I would like to join this group as well! I probably hold the record for the longest taper! Sis years now and I’m finally ready to give it up! I asked my pdoc to say no to another rx. I’ve got 60 days to taper 1mg of Valium. Believe it or not I have only updosed twice during the last 6 years, and only at .25mgs. I only take 1 other rx and that is for blood pressure. My fear is what has prevented me from getting off sooner! I need all of the support I can get! Thanks for starting this group!  :thumbsup:
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I would like to join this group as well! I probably hold the record for the longest taper! Sis years now and I’m finally ready to give it up! I asked my pdoc to say no to another rx. I’ve got 60 days to taper 1mg of Valium. Believe it or not I have only updosed twice during the last 6 years, and only at .25mgs. I only take 1 other rx and that is for blood pressure. My fear is what has prevented me from getting off sooner! I need all of the support I can get! Thanks for starting this group!  :thumbsup:

 

Hi there!

 

Fear seems to be contagious around these parts  :D Really, once one gets below .5mg (Valium), what symptoms the majority of folks feel is basically the same as once off of the poison. Try not to let negative posts scare you. Healing is just part of this arduous process. If one was to jump @ say .5mg, reinstating is always an option if s/x's become unbearable. It is more than likely that one will find s/x's the same as when tapering. Once off, at this low level, it is simply the CNS trying to fully recovery due to the lack of benzo poison. So try to continue to move forward and consider jumping when below 1mg  :thumbsup:

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Thank you for the kind and encouraging words kasie. I'm trying really hard but just can't seem to get things right. I'll read your message some more times.
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Count me in. If all goes as planned, I'll be jumping this month. What a journey it has been. Into the trenches together! Wishing you all the best in your taper and your recovery.
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So great to meet some more buddies I haven’t seen before...and to see familiar names!

 

Lilyann- it’s ok to share with your loved ones. And you can always share with us too. :)

 

SJS- so amazing you’re almost at the end of the taper! Any number of years in this hell is too long, but yes, 6 yrs is long. Your freedom awaits. You mentioned fear- what do you fear about being off?

 

Kasey- when is the big day for you??

 

FightingFox- I was a short term user too. It’s so crazy.

 

Caltn and Circlestar- how are you feeling now? How does it feel to not take doses? NOw that you’re off, where are your thoughts these days? How do you think this experience has changed you?

 

 

 

 

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So great to meet some more buddies I haven’t seen before...and to see familiar names!

 

Lilyann- it’s ok to share with your loved ones. And you can always share with us too. :)

 

SJS- so amazing you’re almost at the end of the taper! Any number of years in this hell is too long, but yes, 6 yrs is long. Your freedom awaits. You mentioned fear- what do you fear about being off?

 

Kasey- when is the big day for you??

 

FightingFox- I was a short term user too. It’s so crazy.

 

Caltn and Circlestar- how are you feeling now? How does it feel to not take doses? NOw that you’re off, where are your thoughts these days? How do you think this experience has changed you?

 

Hey Libr

Thanks for asking, I think I may slide off this week.  How are you doing hon? 

to our fathers -

fathers-day_5.jpg?w=759&h=500&imflag=true

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So now almost 3 weeks off.  No dose, no supplements.  Honestly, it doesn’t feel much different.  Sleep is a little bit more of an issue.  So with the nice slow tapers you all are doing and walking off, don’t worry yourself about what comes next.  I’ll check back in with you and let you know how it’s going.  Just don’t get worked up about it. 

 

Circlestar

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Thanks Circlestar! I’ll be curious abt when things start shifting for the better and when you can comfortably do more activity. Keep us posted!

 

Kasey- I’m hanging in there and doing alright, considering.

 

I am amazed at what the body can endure!

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[20...]
Good idea for a group....nine week excruciating taper. Today is day 7 after jump still not feeling so good. Good luck and healing to all of you!
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After 11 difficult months, I am happy to say I'm now officially benzo free!

 

A well deserved CONGRATS!!! You have fought hard and crossed that marathon of a finish line.... onto sweet victorious healing.  :smitten:

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Congratulations FightingFox!!!!  Keep us posted on how you’re feeling and getting back to life.

 

What does everyone do to celebrate when they jump?

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