Where did my life go?

Wow. Today I had a slight lifting of the fog. Don't get me wrong I still have terrible brain fog but it seems so clear to me now that I just lost 7 years of my life on benzos. I was living on them pretty well considering but its like my whole life was coasting. I stopped pursuing my career goals. I just floated from day to day. I knew my memory was shot so I never followed thru on much and didn't care. I would get raging mad at people and tell them off which is so unlike me. Now I can't function yet but at 40 I feel like I have to back track and restart my life so that I'm back on track with my goals. I really hope when I get better I can get back on track in life to where I should be. Has anyone else experienced this.. waking up almost after quitting and seeing your life was just a big blur on benzos?

Yes , and to make matters worse my beloved long time companion died the last year of my taper and there are so many things I want to say , to do over , he was almost 54 and I was 55 when he died , I will soon be 57 and we have never been this far apart in age . Its like I am facing his death all over again .

 

I was really off the hook crazy vicious and angry last year after his death.

Really crazy vicious and angry period over the last few years , including at him , which has left me in despair . 

The taper was his idea and he stuck with me through it . Until he died.

I am having trouble remembering my daily sleep eat drink schedule for the last few years and am having to relearn to eat after not eating or really drinking very much in YEARS and losing almost 50 lbs  , I weighed 100 at 5'7" . I am at 120 now and it is very uncomfortable but trying .

I can definitely relate to all of that, still tapering, but I've had moments where it lifts as well and I'm wondering who the hell I was. The rage attacks...most of that has gone away now since I changed my diet back to paleo (with the brain fog) and I have a lot more clarity. I realized in the good moments that I've either got major emotional apathy and blunting (not caring about anything anymore), or extreme emotions (rage or uncontrollable tears).

 

I'm glad to hear you feel you are getting your life back. We can look at starting over as an opportunity (it used to make me really emotional) instead of a burden. 

I can definitely relate. I feel like a shell of the person I was once was. I was an extremely successful business woman and now I’m on disability and struggle to do the most things. I’ve started having windows though, where as you mentioned the brain fog lifts and I get a glimpse of my trues elf and who I will be when this whole nightmare is over. And yes, I believe one day it will all be over, for all of us. We will heal and regain ourselves, we may not be the same person we once were but maybe we’ll be better. Maybe we’ll be stronger, more self aware and thankful for life and our loved ones after surviving thisbnightmare.

I can definitely relate. I feel like a shell of the person I was once was. I was an extremely successful business woman and now I’m on disability and struggle to do the most things. I’ve started having windows though, where as you mentioned the brain fog lifts and I get a glimpse of my trues elf and who I will be when this whole nightmare is over. And yes, I believe one day it will all be over, for all of us. We will heal and regain ourselves, we may not be the same person we once were but maybe we’ll be better. Maybe we’ll be stronger, more self aware and thankful for life and our loved ones after surviving thisbnightmare.

 

I love this, thanks!  I think you are onto the right track. We can easily feel so disempowered but I do all I can to remember what you wrote above. We forget how strong we are just surviving each day of benzo wd, itself, because we feel so weak.

Wow. Today I had a slight lifting of the fog. Don't get me wrong I still have terrible brain fog but it seems so clear to me now that I just lost 7 years of my life on benzos. I was living on them pretty well considering but its like my whole life was coasting. I stopped pursuing my career goals. I just floated from day to day. I knew my memory was shot so I never followed thru on much and didn't care. I would get raging mad at people and tell them off which is so unlike me. Now I can't function yet but at 40 I feel like I have to back track and restart my life so that I'm back on track with my goals. I really hope when I get better I can get back on track in life to where I should be. Has anyone else experienced this.. waking up almost after quitting and seeing your life was just a big blur on benzos?

 

 

I also often feel what has happened to the last 4 years of my life.

by that benzo diazepam (Valium) I also became someone else I didn't care for anything anymore I wasn't looking forward to anything anymore.

now I often regret it so much that it happened.

now I hope that I heal but it takes so long now I have stopped 5 months and 2 weeks and I still feel terrible.

 

BlueDutchess I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. I believe if anyone knew the truth of what we went thru and are still going thru they would forgive us for our rage.

I'm so embarrassed by mine. I would contact people on social media who hurt me in real life and tell them off. So crazy. Usually I'm known to be a shy person. I really thought of apologizing but even that is just weird and awkward now.

 

If nothing else I hope to spend time raising more awareness of how terrible these drugs are for people and how they effect people's lives.

 

diana23 I'm similar either anger and feeling suicidal or emotional numbness and detachment even when I'm feeling ok.

 

I hope we all can heal soon.

 

Yep, this thread speaks to me. As my cognitive function returns, I find I am increasingly aware of just how unwell I was during the past decade of Valium use. My memory of that time is pretty blurry, and I feel I am, in many ways, myself for the first time. Emotional numbness and extreme mood swings are, I think, our brains (and our souls) seeking a balance as we adjust. It gets better from here.

 

Gwinna