Stay The Course!

Hey Benzo Family! 

 

I’ve been away a couple of weeks.  Today is my 1 year anniversary being free from benzos!  I just thought that I would give an update of my recovery. 

 

Let me say at the onset, that this will not be a complete success story for me until I am rid of insomnia and tinnitus, but I do want to offer you hope and encouragement while on our recovery journeys.

 

My journey started January 2009 when I cut my 1.0mg dose of klono by 50%.  Nearly two weeks later I woke up to the worse fatigue and this horrible ringing in my ears.  I made an appointment to see my ENT who referred me to a specialist.  After several hearing tests, which ruled out nerve damage and any hearing loss, it was suggested by the specialist to check my medication.  At the time I was on klono and maxzide (hypertension).  After ruling out that the maxzide was not causing the problem, I started investigating the klono.  After several on-line searches about the causes of tinnitus, my search ultimately brought me to the Benzo Buddies forum.  After telling my story, it was suggested by the moderators to reinstate my 1.0mg dose and taper.  Although I strongly considered titration, I just felt more confident dry cutting.  After dry cutting for a period of 4.5 months, I finally jumped August 8, 2009.  Tapering for me was not that difficult until I reached the 0.25mg mark, where I had to hold for an additional week.  After I became stabilized at that dose, I cut down to 0.12mg, stayed at that dose for one week and jumped.  Any remaining klono pills I quickly flushed down the toilet; I had several bottles left.  At that point, I felt that the klono was doing me more harm than good, and I no longer wanted those pills to be a part of my life.

 

Initially during my recovery journey I had lots of windows.  The insomnia was very bad and the tinnitus made it even more difficult to sleep, but at least I had those early windows.  My recovery journey became very difficult at the 4-5 months mark because that is when the depression hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had never experienced depression in my entire life, and I had to come to the forum to actually find out what it was.  It was a period during my recovery that had me in a deep, black hole of torment; my brain actually hurt, and I did not know how to take away the emotional pain.  This was the only time during my recovery journey where I was tempted to reinstate.  It was unbearable, but between my husband, my sons, the BB family and lots of prayer, the depression ultimately went away. 

 

I experienced 30 or more symptoms at one time or another, some symptoms would go away completely, only to be replaced by new ones or a revisit of old ones that I thought were long gone.  My daily companion symptoms were insomnia, tinnitus, and left sided numbness and tingling. Often I thought that I could not survive another day of the torment of insomnia or tinnitus, but now I am learning to co-exist with those two symptoms until they have completely gone.  My journey was made even more challenging because I still had to work a 9 to 5 job, and also care for hubby and home. 

 

Although I feel that I am about 85-90% these days, I still cannot declare 100% until the insomnia and tinnitus run their respective courses.  I will say that neither of these withdrawal symptoms rules my life anymore.  With regard to the insomnia, I generally get about 4-5 hours of sleep each night.  I’m up around 4-5am, hit the gym and then I am off to work.  At one time, I could not sleep at all with the torment of the tinnitus, but now my body has acclimated to the tinnitus and I can fall asleep ringing and all.  I will say that I have no problem with sleep onset, and I enjoy a 1-2 hour nap almost daily, but it’s just that I cannot sleep beyond 5 hours.  Getting 8 hours of sleep is still elusive, for I haven’t slept for 8 hours in well over a year, and not to mention the middle of the night awakenings, but I know that this too will pass, and I will sleep as God intended me to sleep one day soon.  With regard to the panic attacks (the reason I was prescribe klono), my last panic attack was 11 months ago today; I am free of panic attacks! 

 

There are a lot of new Buddies that have joined the forum this year.  I say to you to please do not fret because there is truly light at the end of the tunnel.  This statement can’t be emphasized enough, and it is a very honest and true statement, and will become a reality in your journey if you continue to fight the good fight.  Every withdrawal symptom that you are experiencing, believe me, I have experienced, and they will all ultimately leave your mind and body and you will get your life back, but in order to go through this, you must go through.  Yes, the way is hard, and there are set-backs for many of us, but if you persevere, the way will get easier, and one day you will be writing success stories and encouraging new Benzo Buddies.

 

To Colin, Theresa, Pam, Lady, Beeper, Eljay, TC, and others, I owe you all a debt of gratitude that I will never be able to repay.  You all were here at one time or another when I first came to BB.  Colin, of course, is a god-send for starting this forum for it truly is a life saving place.  You might have been serving in completely different capacities on last year, but nonetheless ya’ll were there for me in my darkest hours.  I remember Theresa and Pam being there so much for me, and I patterned my tapering journey after Lady who dry cut as well.  To the other moderators thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words, and I truly admire TC, Tea and other moderators who were suffering during their own journeys who still had enough courage, fortitude and love to tell me to hold on.

 

I don’t generally write long posts, but I think that after a year I am entitled.  I wanted my story to be a means of encouragement and hope for those who are on their roads of recovery.  Some of us are long timers such as Patty (she is the greatest and has such a pure heart), Pam who has just an awesome story and is such a great source of inspiration to those tapering in one form or another, to those who have recently jumped and to those with weeks and months under your belt, I hope that I have said something in this post to give you hope.  Please forgive me if I have not named each moderator – truly, I owe you a debt of gratitude.

 

Hang on BB family for your redemption is just over the horizon..fight for it…and as I encourage you, I encourage myself.  As always, stay the course!

 

Retire2010 

 

 

I want to thank You for the encouragement.  I need to read more of these.  I really needed it today.  I know we will all heal but what a journey. I have great support to from my husband and I am so glad I found this site.  Just to know we aren't crazy helps.  I try to take one day at a time.  I do find windows so I guess i am lucky.  Thanks again.  Linder

Retire,

 

I was so happy to read this story...your words here have been inspiring to many....including me....and your advice to "stay the course" has become a statement we all repeat over and over to ourselves and to our fellow buddies that are struggling....

 

I remember when I first got here....and I thought.....wow...people actually get off this medication?  I thought there was no way....I was reeling from a fifty pecent cut.....enforced by doctor...that was his method of taper.....it truely knocked me for a loop.....

 

After a couple months passed...I began to see you.....and some other people.....go from taper to benzo freedom..and I truely hoped that some day..I could be just like you guys....and now that I am here..benzo free...I am grateful...and maybe a bit greedy...because I see those people who jumped at that time...either 100 percent healed or pretty darn close to 100 percent just waiting out the last symptom or two....and I now say to myself I want to be those people....

 

I know in time....I can become one of "those people"....because I have followed the same path that you guys cut in getting off this horrible..horrible medication...

 

I am looking forward to your next update....the final chapter...at which time...those last two symptoms are gone for good....  It is just a matter of time....as you often have told me...."stay the course", my friend...you are almost there...

 

TC

Dear Retire,

 

Stay the Course, a fitting title to your Success Story!  You used this mantra to bolster yourself as you struggled and to cheer your Buddies on when they did.  It's been my privilege to share this journey with you, your strength, determination and grace has carried you through.  Thank you for sharing your story with us, you know how desperately people need to see what awaits them.

 

Pam

Thank you Retire for that encouraging note.  It is the type of thing that I need to see because I am hopeless most of the day and very

afraid to cut my .125 K.  My window has slammed shut and I am waiting for another before I begin to taper.  I can't believe how much we all

suffer from what they call "medication."  Thank you again for your uplifting words and your brave spirit that brought you to where  you are today!

Congratulations!

Hey Linder, The windows are oh so lovely.  Having a great support system makes all the difference in the world.  Hubby suffered a lot during my year's journey.  Now as I look back, my journey was his journey as well. Most of the time he was helpless in what he could do for me, but just knowing he was there with encouraging words meant a great deal.  His famous words were, the only way that you are going to get through this is to go through it.  He would often say, I don't know how long, but if others on the forum made it through, you can make it through as well.  We (hubby and I) made it through this horrific ordeal.  Hold on Linder because you will be triumphant!

 

TC,  it looks like we both made it to the other side safe and sound.  It is all worth it in the end, and you know, the end is not bitter, the end is so sweet.  Even though I've always had a zest for life, I find the good in so much that I took for granted.  Two more symptoms and we'll have this thing totally licked, but in the meantime, I am so grateful for where I am today.

 

Pam, all I can say about you is that you are a guardian angel to all of us.  I am so sorry that you suffered so greatly, but without your suffering you would not be able to give such genuine, loving and caring advice.  Your struggles and recovery benefit so many.  Lots of love to you.

 

Hoping2Bfree, your name says more than you know.  Your hope will transform to reality.  You may feel hopeless, and your situation may seem hopeless but it is not critical; it will get better.  Talk to your symptoms and command them to be under your control.  They may not listen attentively right away, but they will soon listen.  I often talked to my symptoms during my recovery and I told them to have free course, and once day  they become submissive and they didn't control my every waking minute anymore.  You have the fortitude to make it because you found BenzoBuddies, and this is a good place of refuge.

Staty the course!

Thanks again for the encouragement.  Yes we are lucky to have husbands like we do.  Yes they have lived every moment with us.  It sure will be great to get to the other side.  I can't even remmember what its like to feel normal anymore.  All from taking my cousins xanax.  Wow. I know don't look back, look foward and forgive myself.  It sure took alot of my life from me.  Linder

Congratulations on staying the course and your continued healing.  And thank you for taking the time to come back here and post your success story.  As you mentioned regarding your depression in that 4-5 month mark, I am just over 4 months out and am in that very place.  It is a horrible place to be...but you made it.  Just knowing one more person has been there and made it gives me a little more strength to hang on.

 

Thank you.  I am so grateful.  And I am so, so very happy for you. 

 

God bless you and your family,

 

Leslie

Hey L123,

 

The depression can be very debilitating.  I recall an old black and white movie that I saw years ago entitled "The Snake Pit," staring Olivia de Havilland.  This movie was  based a women going through mental illness. Although her mental illness was not caused by medication, she found herself in a very dark place and was desperate to get out.  Eventually, through therapy she recovered.  The beauty of that movie was that she did not give up and she fought tooth and nail to regain her sanity.  The benzos put us in a temporary ugly place emotionally, but I am here to reassure you that this emotional pain will disappear completely.  For me, at first, the depression would hit me in a succession of days, would disappear for weeks, and then return and would last anywhere from hours to days.  A few occasions, I could feel it returning and I would quickly distract myself with music, the Bible, prayer...solitaire; believe it or not, even working was a big distraction for me.  One day the depression came, lifted and never came back.  Oh Yes, believe me, you will be free from depression - you may be hurting now, but you will not hurt for always...this is gonna pass.  Keep telling yourself that it will end, and it will be gone just as quickly as it came never to return again.   

thank you.

Awesome post, Ms. Retire. 

Thank you so much for your success story.  I myself will be benzo free hopefully by the end of September and scared of what waits for me after the taper but hearing your story gives me hope that someday (hopefully sooner then later) I will be a real mom to my daughter.  Since her birth I have been dealing with benzo's and for the past 2 years dealing with trying to get off them.  I want to give her the gift of the true me and with stories like yours it makes me realize if I stay the course this time I will be giving her that gift hopefully in the next year.  Congrats!!!

Thanks eljay,

 

Eventhough it seemed as if I was in a never ending cycle of withdrawals, I always held fast to the belief and hope that I would be benzo-free one day.  It's been a long year, and now I have a whole lot of wonderful life to catch up on.

Hey kmarie1944,

 

Your daughter already has a wonderful gift; I know she sees so much goodness and strength in you.  Of course the better gift would be a mom benzo free, and you will deliver that gift to her real soon.  Continue to hold fast, and I hope and pray that you have an abundance of windows and complete healing real soon so that you can enjoy a wonderful life with your daughter.  Come what may during your recovery, stay focused on the wonderful life to come with your daughter and continue to stay the course. 

Hey, lovely lady.  Thank you for your wonderful posts......they are so needed.

 

Love ya,

 

Patty  xoxoxoxoxoxo

Hey Patty,

 

Like yourself, trying to hang in there.

 

Just week past my 1 year anniversary and life is okay; and that's  good okay.

Hello Retire,

 

I just read your entire post. Yes, you deserve to write a long story. I am in the process of tapering and found it to be very inspirational.

 

I am happy to see the amount of progress in one year. That is great.

 

I was looking for some inspiration. Thanks!

 

Here's to continued Healing,

Summer

Thanks Retire   You and so many others have been encouraging to me. Congratulations to you!