Where to live? Dilema

Hi everyone,

 

I need to make a major life decision and whilst I have people who care for me trying to help I feel like the only people who can truly understand the factors involved in a decision like this are others who have gone through or are going through b.withdrawal. Therefore any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

 

I'm due to move house next month but the area I want to move to is very expensive. The reason why I want to move there is because I have some friends and contacts there, and feel I'd be able to my life forward. Whilst going through withdrawal I've been making some extra income with art and illustration and think this city will facilitate being able to take that to a career-level. (Which is also amazing therapy). I have also been producing some music remotely with a guy who lives near there and if I moved closer we'd take the music to another level too. In a nutshell I feel like it's the place to be to start getting myself back on my feet and feel some sense of 'living' and working again, even whilst still in recovery.

 

I've lived in numerous different cities and across two countries for work throughout my twenties but I turn 31 next week and I'd like to put some roots down - which this city feels right for.

 

One major thing is the fact that since being in withdrawal I have been relying on alcohol to feel 'normal' when going out and about. It's not been regular,  I'd say I've been housebound on average 5 days a week and then will have a couple of glasses of wine to meet up with family for example at the weekend - that kinda thing.

It's something I'm deeply ashamed of, although now I understand this was due to withdrawal. But, I know in order to make a full recovery I need to steer clear of it, maybe for a year and allow the brain to heal. That's my goal. To do that living alone seems like the best option, rather than with a  housemate. If I'm around people when I'm feeling particularly bad it's too tempting sometimes to have some wine to ease the symptoms (otherwise literally the symptoms can get so bad people call for paramedics despite trying to suppress/stop them).

 

It seems the most realistically way to do this self-styled 'rehab' is to be in an environment that I can control. I've also had bad luck with housemates during my twenties where they've always turned out to be slightly nuts and I don't think I can handle the stress of that again, especially at the moment.

 

However, the cost to rent a studio place is above what I can afford whilst relying on disability support (due to withdrawal).  I'm two and half years into this and hopeful in a year or so I will recover and therefore be able to work again. So my friends and family are encouraging me to get something above my budget, even offering to help financially a little in the beginning and telling me to be positive that I'll be able to work again soon. But, as we all know from BW it's unpredictable and it's one thing being positive I will be able to work again soon, it feels like another thing betting the roof over my head on it.

 

So here are the options I've come up with but I'm just going round in circles in my head trying to figure this out - hence reaching out on here.

 

Option one:

I rent something suitable for my health, slightly above my budget, accept some help from my father and work hard to get my art and design business off the ground to sustain the payments. Risk: fail to meet payments - have to move again.

 

Option two:

Share with someone. Cheaper but not ideal for a 'rehab' environment or lifestyle and probably not much space to grow the art business (I work quite large). Risk: using alcohol to keep up appearances / stressful situations with housemate/s - have to move out again.

 

Option three:

Rent a studio in a different part of the country. In my budget we're looking at somewhere fairly rural/crappy city. Risk: feeling isolated / lack of opportunities and friends. Mental health could suffer.

 

 

My closest confident that I've known for ten plus years , who's seen me go through this from day one, got frustrated with me for not being able to just pull myself together and got a full time job so I can afford a studio in this city. My Dad is encouraging me to 'think positive' and 'take the adventurous risk', but it's exacerbating trying to explain that just getting through this is being positive, and that it's a balance between being positive and being prepared for any worst case scenarios/risks.

 

I don't think (understandably) anyone fully understands the mental and physical challenges that come with BW. There are days when I just feel I need to be alone to recharge, not putting on a brave face to housemates, and equally I want to be able to go out and do things that lift my spirits (meet gallery owners / record music) when I feel able to. NB - I find travelling challenging too at the moment (and currently don't drive) so being within a short walking/cycling distance to a community feels pretty key.

 

I want to live in my own little safe space where I can recover at my own pace, sustainably without financial stress, in a community that encourages some socialisation and a brighter future. It just seems like I can have two of these things, not all three.

 

Any suggestions from anyone?

(Thankyou)

 

Writethefuture, where do you live now?  As I read this post (read it twice), I keep thinking taking help from your dad especially if you live with him now.  I may have missed something.  Mary 💜🙏☮️💜🙏

Writethefuture, where do you live now?  As I read this post (read it twice), I keep thinking taking help from your dad especially if you live with him now.  I may have missed something.  Mary 💜🙏☮️💜🙏

 

Hi Mary,

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm currently staying with him now yes, just temporarily whilst I've been deciding what to do. Unfortunately I do have to move otherwise I'd stop getting the disability payments to rent my own place - and once I'm out the system it's hard to get back in. So if he had to leave soon (the flat he's renting isn't a long term thing) and I was out the system because I was technically living with a family member - I'd be in a very vulnerable position.

I could not recommend a rural area or crappy city. That's where I landed.

Writethefuture, where do you live now?  As I read this post (read it twice), I keep thinking taking help from your dad especially if you live with him now.  I may have missed something.  Mary 💜🙏☮️💜🙏

 

Hi Mary,

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm currently staying with him now yes, just temporarily whilst I've been deciding what to do. Unfortunately I do have to move otherwise I'd stop getting the disability payments to rent my own place - and once I'm out the system it's hard to get back in. So if he had to leave soon (the flat he's renting isn't a long term thing) and I was out the system because I was technically living with a family member - I'd be in a very vulnerable position.

 

Then, I am stumped, what does your gut tell you? 

Well, you have this written out so clearly, and show so much spirit, even though you’re in withdrawal, I’d say go for it!

 

Being forced to hold onto my own job during the worst of it actually helped me recover, I’m certain of it. Everything you describe in Option One is a positive step forward, and that may prove to have great healing powers.

 

I took a similar huge risk when I was at one of the lowest points in my life, and it paid off in full. Even now, perhaps especially now, I am reaping the rewards of taking that enormous plunge so many years ago, when I packed up everything and moved right into the heart of New York City.

 

I’ve got a hunch that you’ll be able to do it, and make it all work out for the best.

Writethefuture, where do you live now?  As I read this post (read it twice), I keep thinking taking help from your dad especially if you live with him now.  I may have missed something.  Mary 💜🙏☮️💜🙏

 

Hi Mary,

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm currently staying with him now yes, just temporarily whilst I've been deciding what to do. Unfortunately I do have to move otherwise I'd stop getting the disability payments to rent my own place - and once I'm out the system it's hard to get back in. So if he had to leave soon (the flat he's renting isn't a long term thing) and I was out the system because I was technically living with a family member - I'd be in a very vulnerable position.

 

Then, I am stumped, what does your gut tell you? 

 

It tells me recovery is the priority, so I've actually decided to stay with my Dad for a year whilst I hopefully make a full recovery

Well, you have this written out so clearly, and show so much spirit, even though you’re in withdrawal, I’d say go for it!

 

Being forced to hold onto my own job during the worst of it actually helped me recover, I’m certain of it. Everything you describe in Option One is a positive step forward, and that may prove to have great healing powers.

 

I took a similar huge risk when I was at one of the lowest points in my life, and it paid off in full. Even now, perhaps especially now, I am reaping the rewards of taking that enormous plunge so many years ago, when I packed up everything and moved right into the heart of New York City.

 

I’ve got a hunch that you’ll be able to do it, and make it all work out for the best.

 

Wow that is an incredible story, what's it like in NYC?

I actually read your reply (thankyou by the way) after my Dad suggested I live with him for the year. I think if alcohol wasn't acting as my replacement Benzo I'd feel more confident with option one but I know realistically I'll be too tempted to go and live 'normally' and struggle for a year of sobriety.

I figured 'sacrificing' a year to be able to let the brain heal and make a full recovery is worth it to then go and live a good life post-recovery.

I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if I got too impatient or not disciplined enough to do that by living in a creative / happening city and sabotage a full recovery.

Plus - staying with him means I'd get to save enough to have some financial security behind me when I am fully recovered, whereas if I move again now I run the risk of getting into a rut of never saving.

 

I'm actually going to see the year as an opportunity to get my head down and work on the businesses and study - with no distractions around. Turn obstacle into opportunity. It's just that challenge I guess we all face of ensuring we're well enough to be productive and not just suffering in bed all day.

 

Where are you in your recovery if you don't mind me asking?