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PEM success story


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Before Lorazepam, I began with Ambien in 1994, age 18, a psychiatrist prescribed it for sleep disorder. A year and a half later I quit it cold turkey and had my first hallucinations because of it. Years later I read that this medication is very near the benzodiazepines. The kindling it provoked is another explanation for the difficulties of my benzodiazepines withdrawal a few years later.

 

I began a long downward spiral into addiction. In 2000, I was in second year of psychology at the university of Lausanne, Switzerland, and took so much drugs that I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward where I was prescribed a dozen different medication (neuroleptics, anxiolytics plus antiepileptics and antiemetics to manage the side effects) that I began to stop taking slowly, one by one, on a journey to reconquer myself.

 

In 2006, benzodiazepines was the last prescribed drug that I had to stop. 3 x 2.5mg of Lorazepam daily prescribed, but often more. I decided to do it cold turkey and ended up having non-stop heavy hallucinations that lasted for 6 weeks, unable to leave my appartment.

 

It was impossible. I reinstated. I managed to stop all the illegal drugs the next year and then gave up alcohol and tobacco.

 

In 2009, I read an article about the possible link between benzodiazepines and Alzheimer. So I tried again but this time I gathered information and did it properly (Ashton manual). Then began the torture of diminishing the dose and being thrown in hell for a week and getting a little less bad the week after just in time for the next dose diminution every 2 weeks, 3 when it was really unbearable. When the diminution was too small to cut it in the pills I began to take liquid Diazepam (called Psychopax here in Switzerland). The whole process of benzodiazepines withdrawal took me until 2014.

 

June 16 2014. Last dose. My jump. The day I hoped for so long. My jump in hell. That was no longer a flyer for the party in hell, I was dancing with the demons: horrific hallucinations and nightmares, permanent bloody diarrhea, sensation of electric shocks in the feet (to the point of screaming from pain multiple times each minutes), insomnia so bad I lost the sense of difference between awake or sleeping and dreaming, spasms, cold sweat. Bedbound for months, housebound for years.

 

And there are the waves and the windows. Three months after my jump I wrongly thought I was cured. I was swimming again (my favourite sport) 2 hours a week. I even surfed a few days in Hossegor, France, in autumn 2014. But that was just a window.

 

The wave of symptoms crashed suddenly. I just finished a swimming session and I felt it. I knew what it was. I almost ran  to my appartment where I will be stuck in my bed of pain from November 2014 until summer 2016. When very slowly I began to be able to walk around the building with my hiking poles. Slower than my 95 years old neighbor.

 

I saw the last snow of winter in March 2015 and like a few seconds later the first snow of November. Bedbound.

 

My mother came 3 days every week for almost 2 years to take care of me.

 

I used to read each day a success story. Hundreds of them. I needed it to be reminded everyday that “This too shall pass”. It was so counter-intuitive because the symptoms were so present and a life without permanent high pain and debilitating suffering seemed so unrealistic.

 

I attribute my very long and hard protracted withdrawal syndrome to my heavy toxics consumption during my twenties (tobacco, cannabis, alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines, heroin, neuroleptics) that damaged my nervous system and made it more fragile. The large doses of Lorazepam (prescribed 3 x 2.5mg daily, but very often far more) and long take (14 years) made it all worse.

 

Between 2016 and 2019, one symptom after the other faded away, the waves came back but smaller almost each time.

I walked a little more each day, that was a struggle, but I had to do it. Physical exercise helped me a lot as soon as I was able to do it again. I had no breath, not even for 10 meters of walk but I increased my exercices progressively anyway.

 

After 2 years housebound I was able to go out of the appartment but had to wear diapers because of the uncontrollable diarrhea.

 

At the autumn 2018 I was able to go for a week in the city of Biarritz, France, by the ocean. I had to go through Paris between two different train stations to go there from Switzerland, where I live. I decided to walk across Paris as a proof of my return in the world of the livings. After so many years that world seemed so strange. I still had the feeling of a warrior in a battlefield, wary of the possible coming back of my symptoms, how I would manage them on the boulevards. But Paris “La Ville Lumière” was really my "City of Lights": I was able to walk through Paris. What a victory! It was my “La traversée de Paris” ("The trip across Paris", old french movie reference).

 

The best revenge is living well:

 

Clean for 5 years, symptoms free for months. I exercice 8 hours each week (swimming, running, weightlifting, fitness trail and nordic walking). Daily, I juggle, learn chinese, read books, write and laugh. I write those words from my holiday in Barcelona and my next trip is Asia.

 

I begin to be unable to fathom how much I’m back from hell, back amongst the livings. Forgetfulness is neurologically part of the benzodiazepines withdrawal syndrome:

 

“All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.”

 

Time to live.

 

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Thanks for coming back and writing this. This sounds like suffering well beyond what I'm experiencing.

 

Are you working now?

 

Did you deal with depression, intrusive thoughts, and anger?

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What a beautiful story! Congratulations and wishing you a very happy life with good health.

Thank you so much for coming back and give us a hope this hell will end one day.

Vica

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PEM,

Congratulations on making it this far through your tough journey. My mom is from Fribourg, Switzerland. I went through the horrible agoraphobia too, sorry for your hellish symptoms. Hoping you continue to get better! I appreciate the Blade Runner reference too :thumbsup:

 

B strong

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Wow, I'm in awe!  Congratulations, PEM.  Well done!  Enjoy your fabulous new life! 

Flibberty

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What a fabulous story -- and powerfully told too! Thanks for coming back to share it with us. You're obviously courageous and determined. Enjoy your hard-earned victory over a very challenging set of circumstances!
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And you did it without help of any medication?

 

Any medication kindled the symptoms, even paracetamol.

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Amazing story, that’s what I needed to hear today. Well done :thumbsup:.

 

You gave back my hope about healing today. Have a great life!

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Thanks for sharing your journey. You are a true warrior and inspiration. I wish you a full live and continue healing.
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Congratulations.

 

Your struggle to live is inspirational.  Now, your life sounds beautiful!!

 

SaraSue  :smitten:

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Pem that's an incredible recovery! You went through it man and got to the other side. Amazing. Your story gave me a little push to continue on. Thanks for coming back and letting us know.

 

Becky :smitten:

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Congrats. This success story brings me joy.

Maybe because of how far you've come. Or maybe because of the Roy Batty quote.

Probably both.

 

Regardless, thanks for posting and enjoy living with benzos in your rearview.

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  • 2 months later...

And you did it without help of any medication?

 

Any medication kindled the symptoms, even paracetamol.

 

This is how I am, PEM. I can’t take anything without severe consequences. Did this go away for you? Can you take medicines when needed now?

 

I’m glad you’re feeling better and I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did to get there. I wish you the best.

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  • 1 year later...
  • 2 months later...

How did I never see this success story?!!

 

Seeing this today has been a gift for me bc it's been rough lately.

 

And good to know I am not the only one who had problems with paracetamol (tylenol). Ppl have said it can't be but it does affect my symptoms.

 

Hope is powerful.

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  • 9 months later...
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