How to work during benzo taper and beyond?

I decided to start this thread because I've been reading on forum of quite a few members who have been struggling in various ways with work related stress and/or career confusion for lack of a better term. Some have been working through their whole taper (something I admire very much) and others have managed to restart working part time or full time after their taper.  Some may have lost a job or not been able to consistently work. Some may be on disability. Others may be contemplating returning to work or making a work related change soon.  I fall into the last category.  Maybe some who have been able to work during taper can provide some input or share some of their challenges and/or what has helped and what has not.

A little background on me for those who do not know me. I've been benzo free for almost 9 months now and have worked from home in a non traditional "job" for some years.  Part of this was necessary because I've had to take care of a sick elderly parent.  I was contemplating returning to my "profession" a couple years ago when I became an accidental "victim" of benzo use and addiction.  A doctor prescribed 10mg valium for a 1 week cruise to ward off motion sickness and help with jet lag for the other weeks of the 3 week trip.  I also had some anxiety from an ongoing family conflict with a difficult sibling.  After a c/t off the valium after I returned  from my trip in August 2008, I passed out in my bedroom from vertigo 3 weeks later (thus my name here ).  A trip to the ER and after meeting with a few specialists, I began my benzo  journey.  

The benzo taper revved me up so much that I have put my transitional work plans on hold for the last 2 years.   Now I am hoping to try and return to work but find myself in a quandary. I seem to have fears crop up intensely.  To give a few examples of these fears, some  seem to be about whether I will have the energy to get through a work day (I still get very tired during the day even though its been 9 months post benzo.  Sorry to sound wimpy to those benzo warriors who have been working ), fear that my memory has been impacted by the benzo cog fog and that I will forget things I "should" know or remember,  and fear that so much time has gone by that I will not be competent in my field anymore.   Also, I am not sure I "should" even return to the same field.  I realize some of these feelings may be quite "normal" to have after having not worked at a traditional job for over a year.  The ongoing anxiety and fear seems to be winning the battle right now as I can't seem to find the confidence to just start moving. Some have suggested "fake it til you make it" and other good advice. One benzo buddy I have spoken with about this "benzos and work" topic,  has posted that he has a fear of "not wanting to be judged" and fear of rejection.

Finally, I've spoken with some buddies here on forum about how emotional they have gotten after benzos and how stress seems to impact them very easily now, sometimes sending them into "benzo rage". I have not been in a rage   but I can say that my temper has at times been shorter than I would have liked .  I believe my nervous system is still raw and healing.  I don't want to remain a "victim" to benzos and wish to get on with life and try new things and contribute meaningfully to my community, if not for the dang fear and fatigue!!!.   Anyway, I thought I'd open up a discussion about work related stress either on benzos, after benzos or regarding the journey towards returning to work after benzos.   It does not have to be about my particular journey in trying to restart my career.  Some of you out there may be working and struggling in other ways.  Can anyone relate?

Thanks,

Vertigo (no more)

I seem to have fears crop up intensely.  To give a few examples of these fears, some  seem to be about whether I will have the energy to get through a work day (I still get very tired during the day even though its been 9 months post benzo.  Sorry to sound wimpy to those benzo warriors who have been working ), fear that my memory has been impacted by the benzo cog fog and that I will forget things I "should" know or remember,  and fear that so much time has gone by that I will not be competent in my field anymore.   Also, I am not sure I "should" even return to the same field.  I realize some of these feelings may be quite "normal" to have after having not worked at a traditional job for over a year.  The ongoing anxiety and fear seems to be winning the battle right now as I can't seem to find the confidence to just start moving. Some have suggested "fake it til you make it" and other good advice. One benzo buddy I have spoken with about this "benzos and work" topic,  has posted that he has a fear of "not wanting to be judged" and fear of rejection.

 

Finally, I've spoken with some buddies here on forum about how emotional they have gotten after benzos and how stress seems to impact them very easily now, sometimes sending them into "benzo rage". I have not been in a rage but I can say that my temper has at times been shorter than I would have liked.  I believe my nervous system is still raw and healing.  I don't want to remain a "victim" to benzos and wish to get on with life and try new things and contribute meaningfully to my community, if not for the dang fear and fatigue!!!.  

 

Can anyone relate?

 

Hey Vertigo,

Boy can I ever relate. I have taken two leaves of absence over the past two years, the first in 2009 because of a back injury, but I have to say that I was going through c/t Xanax, Flexeril, Vicodin and Paxil withdrawal hell the whole time and continuing Ambien interdose w/d too. While I told myself the leave was simply to heal my back, I knew there was something very wrong with anxiety levels, sleep, fear etc. etc. I went back to work and faked it for another 7 months until my second leave of absence. This time I knew I had to get off of Ambien and Vicodin for good. I was done with the other drugs for nearly a year at the time.

I went to detox and rehab and got off of the Ambien and Vicodin but after 42 days, I still wasn't sleeping very well and still hadn't discovered Benzo Buddies or the Ashton manual, so I really didn't know why -- I was expecting a 2-3 week withdrawal. I went back to work as scheduled in mid-May but I made the HUGE MISTAKE of thinking I could take an Ambien now and then and so the cycle began again. Within weeks I was back to taking Ambien every night (at least it was only 1 pill/night instead of the 5 pills/night I had been taking before detox) but still all the same horrible symptoms came flooding back with full intensity. So, with no options left, I've had to go back to work and gut out yet another withdrawal all over again -- this time, while I work. I will say, I think I fall into the "fake it til you make it category" though it's amazing to me that my co-workers don't seem to notice anything. Maybe I've always been a bit bizarre.  

I am both lucky (and not) that we have a very liberal work at home program, so I can do that most days of the week. I still have to work and get my work done every day, but it's a lot easier not having to shower, commute etc. and being able to take a break and rest when I need to. I guess I don't have any sage words of wisdom, except I can tell you that I've found these things to be resoundingly true:

1) Every day the fear of getting ready for work and driving into work is always there like it's brand new. And every day, when I get there, I clearly see that there's nothing there that's so bad as I feared.

2) The very act of going to work does a lot to promote cognitive healing. I can simply feel it.

3) My best days are the days I drive into work; not the days I work from home.

4) Often times, physical symptoms are less intense and fewer in number (or at least easier to ignore) when I go into work.

5) I still fight those demonic fears of "Am I good enough?" "Will anybody notice?" "What if I lose it?" "Will I have the energy to sustain myself?" every single day, yet every day seems to prove it out, that I can do it and that the fears were substantially unwarranted. So, while I cannot tell you exactly how I'm doing it (work that is) all I know is that at the end of a day when I have worked, I can say to my wife, "I don't know how I did it... but I did... so I guess that's proof enough that I can do this. Rack up another day, honey."

Anyway, Vertigo, nothing earthshattering here, nonetheless, I feel as if, "If I can do it with all the same fears and pains and sleeplessness as my fellow BBs, then they can do it (whenever they're ready) too." Because, believe me, there is nothing heroic, or stellar about my strength, energy, braveness or resolve.

Wishing you all the very best on your continued recovery whatever your work decisions,

Albie

Thanks, Vertigo, for starting this.  (And thanks again for your PM    )

I completely relate to almost everything you mentioned.  I'm still not quite able to articulate my thoughts clearly or in written form so this may be a bit choppy. 

As you know, I lost my job yesterday after attempting to go back to work after a c/t in March and losing my job then.  Two jobs I have lost this year due to benzo w/d and I have never been terminated from a job prior to this. 

I feel so much shame and guilt.  I lost the job because I called in sick my first week.  I was too overwhelmed with all the new information, meeting new co-workers....I can't even really give specifics, I just know as the week progressed, it seemed like figuratively, the room began spinning and all the new information was just completely overwhelming.  I ended up in my office sobbing for 30 minutes.  I just could not pull it together.  It was all very frustrating because I knew I HAD to do this and make it work but I just couldn't.

So all your fears are my fears, too, except now I have the "well I tried this already and my worst fear came true" under my belt so I have even less confidence in taking on another job in the future.  This whole not knowing where I'll be symptom wise, or what I'll do if a wave hits is so very frustrating.  I don't want to let another employer down.  I feel so much shame and embarrassment.  I also feel weak because apparently other BBs are able to work through this and my symptoms just shut me down.  I tried to push through, I really did.

Hi, I have been working the whole time through everything that has gone on. Before the benzo mess, I worked through a severe 4 month bout of insomnia, the insomnia is what led to the benzo mess. I got insomnia due to anxiety from my husband having prostate cancer. He had surgery to get his prostate removed last summer and is fully recovered and cancer free now. 

Anyway, I worked and continue to work because I do not have a choice, if I don't work we will lose our house. I will not do that to my husband. I don't have short or long term disablility and I am not going to waste our precious vacation time together taking off because of this crap.

Work is not so bad, it is a distraction on the days when I am feeling bad. I would rather be at work than sitting home alone stewing in my bad thoughts. I feel better when I am out and interacting with other people and making that much needed income. I always get through the bad patches because I have to, I have no choice.

Well, for me I can work and will continue to work because there is no other alternative.

Hi buddies!

First off, let me give a big round of appreciation to our fellow member, V, for being such a consciencious buddy and for creating many helpful ways to interact with each other!!

I'll start off with a little history of my work experiences these last 4 years... For over 13 years, I had a secure government position with good benifits and retirement. Unfortunatley, there was so much work place stress going on in our department. Many of my coworkers were affected by this and many have moved on. I suppose each one of us who came out of that office has their own story to tell about what things went wrong there. Anyway, back in May 2006 is when my crisis began. I started having severe attacks of DP/DR that would affect me as I was doing my job. I don't believe that these attacks caused me to not do my job well as much as they caused me some really cripling emotional effects. After I made an appointment with my family doctor a month later, he gave me a 'black box' test, sent me to have blood work done. The blood work all came back normal and he determined that my depression level was borderlined but my anxiety level was off the chart! The next 3 months, I continued working, but it was extremely difficult. First, there was the shock of the DP/DR attacks which drained me emotionaly and physically. Then, there was the trials of trying different medications such as: Prozac, Celexa, Trazadone, all of which made me severely sick. Then, there was the ongoing benzo use that my doctor kept on prescribing for me. After about 2 months, my sleep became worse... There were some nights where I would sleep hardly at all. Of course, my family doctor attributed this to my anxiety, not the klonopin, and simply advised me to up my dosage. The overwhelming amount of stress caused me to finally request 1 week off because I simply couldn't continue going to work and dealing with other other issues... When I was finally allowed to see the head psych, the remeron seemed to restore my balance, and I was able to tolerate working better.

The amount of work-related stress that I had to put up with during this time was unacceptable. I had little or no understanding or support from managemant. Some of them treated me as though I were either lazy or unmotivated. I honestly don't know which was worse for me, the attacks of DP/DR, the work environment itself, or the subsequent medication issues that developed... All this before my dad's death and legal estate issues added to the mix. Through it all, I simply 'went to work' and tried my hardest to preservere. I had some really nagging issues that somehow, I battled each day and then next morning, back to work to face another round. I would say that the legal personal issues plus the severe inter-dose w/d I developed back in Nov 2008, were the final straws... I thought hard about it, prayed a lot, and discuseed things with my wife before making the final descision to resign. Last year was particularly hard in that I had tapering/withdrawl issues to deal with, a callous, inflexable management team to deal with (no offense towards managers in general; I used to be one also!), and an estate that just dragged on (there were several times when I was put into some legal exposure due to the nature of my dad's estate and because of the incompitence of the lawyers I had hired)...

I finally put in my resignation and my last day was Jan 2. Since then, some things have really turned around... The following week, I was contacted by a supervisor of another department (this branch of the agency is much smaller and freindlier). I went in to a 2 hour interview in early Feb (I was still tapering then!). I got along very well with the supervisor and his assistant. The other thing I had going for me is that one of my co-workers had been telling the supervisor that I was really interested in the job. This lady had once worked where I had, and so she filled them in as far as how bad a department it was... The first 2 weeks of the job were rather stressful for me as there was a ton of paperwork to do, an exam to complete (which took about 7 days!), in order for me to be liscensed to do the job. All this plus benzo witdrawal!

Since getting this job and recovering from the last 3 or 4 years, I feel much more hopeful about the future. I will say that things continue to be unsettled. I only am gauranteed 1 day a week (plus other days when co workers take days off), but it just doesn't bring in a lot of money. There are many times I look at the calendar and wonder where is the money going to come from? I feel very blessed to have a job I enjoy plus a management team that is so supportive. I tell you, I paid many dues throught the years getting to this point, as I got very little support at all from my previous boses. I really hope and pray that this job will lead to a full time assignment. I still suffer from a lot of fatigue and I'm not always sure if I could handle full time, but one thing I do know is that I'm much tougher than I give myself credit for.

I do pray for all those members who are still struggling so much and remain unemployed. I am hoping that my story can inspire some of you to be assured that even as tough as life can be, you are much tougher and are THE true warriors in life!! Always tell yourself that!

My most sincere best wishes to all of you! May your lives be filled with peace!!

pangelingua

Hello,

In the first month of my C/T, I took 2 weeks vacation. After that, forced myself out of the house and went back to work.

About 3 weeks or so, after returning to work, I was called into the office. It seemed someone noticed all my head and limb movements were exaggerated and jerky. My supervisor asked me. Are you using methamphetamine? That really freaked me out, but somehow was able to hold it together.

The embarrassment we have to go through is also tough. TC, thatismytruck,Bittersweet and I have a joke about never trusting gas. So I learned to pack an extra set of underware before I left for work.

( Hope that doesn't offend anyone.) That problem has finally gone away.

I too was worried about stress at work. Pamster told me that I would probably rise to the occasion, when it came to dealing with troubleshooting so many things at onetime. Pamster was correct. I was so focused on the problems at hand, that I temporarily forgot about W/D's. Didn't realize the panic anxiety I was having until after my shift. Was so shaky and rattled,could hardly walk to my truck and when I opened my door, threw up all over. The way I look at it, that was a victory for me, hands down.

As far as anger goes. Yes. There was a lot of anger with me. So many times I wanted to say......

SHUT UP! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE! But I gulped down the anger. Realizing it wasn't them, but me. Before K, I was always easy going and a mellow person, guess that gave me balance to gulp down the anger.

Paranoia is a tough one for me, as I sometimes stutter and forget things easily. So. I withdrew to a cubicle in the corner where nobody can see me. Everyone now calls me,("The Mole Man") Oh well.

One person recently told me, my desk looked like a billboard, because of all post-it note reminders that are stuck all over my desk.

This past month things really hit hard again, so I took another two week vacation.

The strange thing about all of this. Everytime after things hit really hard. I get something back. It's not something great, like a window or sleep. It's small, like not stuttering, or not as many memory lapses and now, it's not missing words when I type. Things like that, keep me fighting harder.

The time it's taking to recover, seems like forever, but time is on my side and I will recover.

One day we must all look back on this and see how strong we were and what we accomplished.

Anyway, that's my short version of working with Benzo W/D's

Mikey

Appreciate all the feedback.  

L123. Sorry about your recent job loss.  I hope you will be able to look at this as a setback that you can come back from after you heal some more and feel better.   It is not unusual to still need time at four or five months off.  Some of us have more sensitive system than others when it comes to the benzo beast.  I hope you will take good care of yourself, accept what is happening and let your body and mind heal from this experience.   Dont' be too hard on yourself.  You will be able to pick up and try again when you feel well enough.  We are human and will make mistakes.  Just because somebody else pushed through does not necessarily make them stronger or a better person.  It's all stages and phases.  Do you think you could maybe look for something part time to ease yourself back into work when you are feeling a little better,  or is that not so easy to find in your field?  I guess you probably want and need full time benefits.  Well, keep the faith.  You're not alone.

Albie. Thanks for your insights.  It sounds like you've done remarkably well to manage the leaves of absence when you really needed time to heal during your benzo journey and with regards to your ambien taper.   It's so true that we often tell ourselves things to fear that just don't pan out once we get there.  And I agree that it helps to keep the mind active and distracted during withdrawal.  There are no doubt cognitive benefits to keeping busy and working. That is encouraging advice.  I admire your modesty.  I think you are more courageous than you give yourself credit for!  Sometimes just taking action in spite of fears is indeed the way to go.

Pangelingua.  Thank you for expressing yourself so eloquently about how you have coped with so much these past few years.  Losing a loved one while dealing with the benzo beast must be among the hardest challenges one could face.  Add some unpleasant relatives and stress at work, I can't imagine how tough that all was.  You are very resilient and I am impressed at how you bounced back, took the tests to get another job so quickly even though it's part time.  One of the fears I have had, especially when my sleep was much more inconsistent, was how I would function during the day on so little sleep. Fortunately, the insomnia part of my journey seems to not be as much of a problem (right now).  I can relate to others who would wonder how they would be able to perform all day on little to no sleep.   Anyway Pange, thanks for your candid disclosure about all that's gone on.  I sincerely hope you will get the hours or shifts you want now and that your fatigue will gradually subside as you continue to heal.  You've done a remarkable job with your second taper.  You must be proud that you are soon going to be med free and gaining strength back each day, taking your life back one step at a time.

TYDY.  Thanks for your post. You make a point that it can be beneficial to keep busy, that working can provide a distraction from symptoms and tapering.   Sitting home and stewing can no doubt lead to more problems, depression, ruminations... maybe make things worse.   I wonder how you got through that four months of insomnia and still pulled through.  You are truly a benzo warrior.   One question. Do you think you would have lost your job to request a short leave of absence during the most difficult parts of your taper,  like one other member was able to do?  Just curious.  Well, good for you for not having to use your vacation time to recuperate your health, although it probably would not be the end of the world to do so if you really felt or feel badly.  So glad to hear that your husband's surgery was a success and that he is cancer free .

BYBYMATRIX.  Thanks for your post Mikey. Sounds like you have been able to space out your vacations as needed to help you get through the rough times of your benzo journey.  Also, it's encouraging to hear that you are able to compensate for any memory or cog fog issues by writing things down and keeping lots of things posted to remind you.  I think that's a great idea.  It's great that you can look at the small victories too, not just focus on the set backs and symptoms.  You seem to have really persevered at work while going through it.  No offense about the earlier comment.  I've had a hemorrhoid for four months which I think is another war scar from the benzo beast.  I've had to change my underware on occasion  .  You make an interesting point about the physical twitches and symptoms that might be difficult to hide.  Did you come clean with them when they accused you of using meth?  I like your reference to "gulping down" the anger.  I've had to bite my tongue a few times too.  It seems like the nervous system without a benzo to block emotions can be a little quick to react at times.  Hopefully that will pass with time and healing.

I hope others will post here about work related experiences, goals, wishes, hopes, regrets or whatever comes to mind.  Thanks for all your input.  You truly are all warriors as Pange mentioned.   Even in the effort to get back to work, I think it will make one stronger to try and learn from any experience one might have.  I know a few people who have changed jobs, gotten laid off recently who were able to find something they liked even better.   As tough as losing a job can be, it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Going with the flow is one of the hardest things to do, to not catastrophize one event, or look at things as if its the only opportunity.  I think it helps sometimes to try and have an attitude of acceptance that whatever comes will teach something, to try and forge ahead no matter what, which is tough to do sometimes. So many of us have persevered in dealing with getting off benzos and the symptoms of withdrawal, often  dealing with setbacks.   Even so, I think it is possible to stay positive.  Whether one is struggling at a job they don't like or just struggling with withdrawal in a job that is so so or that one does like, I think it is important to go at a pace that is comfortable for each individual.  The same goes for trying to return to the work force after the taper. Everyone is different and faces different challenges on this benzo journey.  Whether still tapering or dealing with some symptoms post benzo taper, stress can  test us.    I look forward to hearing more stories, the ups and downs, successes as well as how one copes in  difficult times, day by day we'll slay the benzo beast!

Best wishes to all of you,

Veritgo (no more)

 

As you know, I lost my job yesterday after attempting to go back to work after a c/t in March and losing my job then.  Two jobs I have lost this year due to benzo w/d and I have never been terminated from a job prior to this. 

 

L123, I am so so sorry to hear that you were forced to leave your new job!!!  That is just horrid and I can only imagine how upset you must be feeling.  But please don't beat yourself up, hun.  You gave it your best try, you really did, but you are going through a super tough time right now and we can only handle so much.  In time, as you heal, you will be able to reenter the work force, but for now just be gentle on yourself and allow healing and time to do its thing, okay?  Just remember that we have many members who can't even bear to leave the confines of their homes (poor souls) so by trying to return to work you accomplished a lot.  You should be super proud of yourself for just getting out there and trying.

Vertigo, thank you for starting this thread!!  It is a much needed place for all of us struggling with working during our taper (myself included) and for anyone thinking about heading back to work, or for the poor souls who have been forced to quit their jobs due to the benzo beast.  I have been working throughout my taper and it has been a bugger to say the very least!  Fortunately I work in my own office so if I feel the need to have a cry or let lose I can do so, or I can just hide in the bathroom for a while and drop my "faking it" facade and just let go.  The work week can seem long and very painful at times, but somehow by hook or by crook I make it through by the skin of my teeth. I let my boss and work colleagues know what I was going through so I haven't had any probelms from them regarding my withdrawal.  They don't get it at all, but at least they don't give me a hard time ( and it wouldn't be wise on their behalf's if they tried...LOL!)  Monday morning are HARD and by the end of the week I am utterly drained, but I have no choice but to keep on pushing foreward, so make it I must.  I thank goodness for my hubby (who is my rock) and my buddies here at BB for helping me make it through each day.

Good thread.

I think working massaged my brain and gave my brain a great workout so I was able to relearn my environment and coping skilsl pretty rapidly. Maybe try to get a job that is beneath your abilities so you can adjust to a work enviroment.

It was tough for me to work, but I think I was able to keep my job because I was already established and well liked. I think they would of pulled me aside and asked me whats wrong before They would of let me go ( and probably understood). Also, I am union and there is laws written that give us a safety net for drug and alcohol abuse, and this being prescribed would look much better then doing crack or heroin.... I think the union would have to put me in rehab, and return me to my job when it was complete. But I never had to go that route, thank the Lord.

Anyway, I think a easy job would be a benefit to your brain.

For Ideas:

There is a market for social media marketing. I think you stay at home and use your facebook/twitter skills. Maybe some of you might want to look into this. It is the new wave of advertising and from what I understand, it's a stay at home type of job, and growing by billions of dollars each year.

Vertigo,

When my Supervisor asked me about the meth, I kind of embellished. Since I was very pale, with dark dark circles under my eyes and a severe case of the sweats. I told him, I had been fighting the flu.( Feel bad about that...but I was sick. Right?) He asked me if I wanted to take sick leave, and I said no. The reason for not taking sick leave was that, I was afraid it might become a habit and would start calling in all the time.

L123,

If i had not worked for this company for so long, I probably would have been fired. I hooked up a $8500.00 electrical device wrong and it exploded off the wall. I was written up and put on safety probation for 6 months.

You getting out there and trying, is something to be proud of.( Don't lose hope. If I lost my job,I don't think would have the courage to look for another one.

Pangelingua,

I agree with Vertigo, Benzo garbage is hard enough to deal with, and then having to deal with stress at work and losing a loved one, is truly inspiring, how you made it through it all.( Your story will inspire others, myself included)

TYDY and Albie,

I agree with both of you, distraction really helps to keep from thinking about withdraw symptoms.

TYDY, that's the same attitude I have, if I don't work I will lose everything.( I'm happy your hubby is cancer free)

GMAN,

That's a great idea on easing back in to the workforce, as less stress will definitely help regain confidence.

matrix, vertigo, pang, bevoir, all of you...

i'm just so touched at how positive you all stay throughout this.  i am really just in awe of how you continue to do so.  really.

matrix, you made me laugh several times.  i have so much sympathy for you.  how on earth you handled working after a ct....wow.

Thanks again to V for starting this thread and sharing his experiences!

Also, thanks to Leslie, Albie, tydydgrll, Mickey, Bevoir, and Gman for sharing your experiences also!

Just wanted to add some more thoughts to this topic.

As difficult as it was to continue working while tapering, there was at least some advantages that the tapering gave me. One of these was a drastic increase in energy I experienced as I got lower on my dosages. I actually started feeling like a kid again as I continued and this gave me a renewed feeling of confidence. Probably THE most difficult time for me was back in Nov 2008-Jan 2009. At the time, I still had a nasty estate that sat in limbo as the lawyers were frantically trying to put together a final accounting based on shady records that a sister of mine (and her boyfriend) had put together while they lived at my late dad's residence (the threat of legal/financial exposure continued to loom over me also), plus the fact that I was taking klonopin regularly, plus ambien twice a week, melatonin, and my A/D remeron. The re-occuring insomnia at night plus the foggy-headedness and lack of energy during the day made it extremely difficult to motivated much less work. At this point, I was simply kicking myself to get to work each day... I had some crippling anxiety over the fact that I had a family to support and a mortgage to pay and if I went down, so did they. There was also the unfair treatment I was receiving from management and having to battle that on top of everything else meant that I had little if no peace and this just went on...

I really wish at that point that I had discovered this forum because I think it would have done me so much good. I wasn't getting much support from the medical community here and I was at my witt's end!

Looking back, discovering Ashton's manual, and starting on the taper, was the best thing that could have happened to me! Compared to what I had before, I now felt like I at least had a direction to follow and yes, I had lots of w/d that sometimes made it painful and unsetlling! I ended up taking some extended leave as my taper got down in the hopes of jumping. Unfortunately, I caught the flu 5 days into abstinence, and the debilitating pain I felt was enough to cause me to re-instate. Even with this settback, I still felt better than I had before... You see, now I had confidence! I figured that if I could proceed with a taper and take it down that low, continue to work (in spite of unfair treatment, I was still considered a valuable employee and actually got some good marks on my ratings), that I could tackle anything! This made all the difference and as I went to my interview for this new job and went through my training period, I took the confidence with me! The growth I've made as a person through all of this has been tremendous! Perhaps if the last 4 years hadn't have occured the way they did, I would still be sitting on a conveyer belt line looking at product and wondering if I could ever do anything else different...