Hope for You

My journey with benzos began in 2007-ish when I was prescribed valium for painful arm muscles due to overuse from typing about eight hours a day. I was in graduate school, and it seems like I figured out they were good for stress, too, and Dr. "Happy" continued to prescribe them. I was only taking about .25 to .5 mg in the evening, and then in 2010, I went through a painful divorce and a year-long drinking binge, continuing my valium.

 

After I quick drinking, I had trouble sleeping and trouble with handling stress, so a new doctor prescribed Klonopin and Ambien. I didn't really like the Ambien, but I took the low dose of Klonopin for a few years. Then I weaned myself off it because I didn't like being dependent on it. No worries here. Everything seemed relatively easy in the benzo world. My doctor then gave me Effexor, which I didn't like either --- it desexed me, for lack of a better word. I tried some of the Ambien that I still had, and after about a week or two, I was hooked. I took one 10 mg pill every night. I took it sometimes when I was not yet asleep, which some of you may relate to because it made me feel tipsy and gloriously calm. Let's not forget to mention Ambien sex, which was odd in itself...

 

Eventually, I had to up the dose to 12 mg some nights, and my sleep now lasted exactly 7 hours every night-- not more, no less. Gone were the mornings of groggy waking. I was up like a robot every morning. I started to feel odd at about 8:30 p.m. Like I was jonesing for my nightly Ambien. I lived with that monkey for a few more years. I'd try to break the pill in half for awhile or fourths, promising I'd quit "tomorrow night."

 

Last October, I had some more brutal life stressors, and my doctor prescribed Ativan. I was still taking 1/2 to 1 Ambien a night, but now I was cool as a cucumber! I could deal with all manner of rudeness or abuse from others without batting an eyelid. Man, I felt like I'd hit the jackpot.... only then I started having terrible terrors! These were not panic attacks. These were terror attacks. I had them so bad that I was afraid to move. I thought that maybe I should take more Ativan. My doctor wanted to put me back on Effexor, and I said "no" because I didn't want to be a eunuch! So, I called his office about a week later and asked for more Ativan. They said I'd have to come back in and talk to the doctor, so I just took the remaining ones until they ran out. Big mistake!

 

I woke up one morning soon after, deaf. This was the beginning of several terrible symptoms, which got worse, and I didn't really know what was wrong. I was in the ER twice because my stomach had shut down. If you're in the Benzobuddies website, you don't need elaboration on this part. I went through months of misery until a nice doctor said he thought I was in WD. That was in January. Feeling validated, and finding Benzobuddies, I started tapering the Ambien, week by slow week, until I took my last on February 15th of this year. Without any Ambien, I had weeks of bad to no sleep, and I thought I was not going to make it. I tried every OTC pill, and every home remedy, yoga, sleep video, and nothing helped. My doctor-- the one who'd told me I was suffering WD -- offered me an RX of Sonata (another Z-drug). I did not fill that, and I've not been back to him since.

 

I did make it though. With the support of the benzo buddies and my dear, patient husband, I am back to work again. I enjoy life, and I enjoy good food. I like to hike, and I sleep normally (most nights). I have about one bad night every two weeks, but when I do, I just get up and go to work and by the next night, I'm sleeping good again.

 

How has benzo WD changed me? I drink decaf now, ha, ha. I am less trustful of doctors. I am more empathetic. We never know for sure what others may be suffering. I kept my suffering from many people and told a few. It was VERY hard to hide the jaw clenching some days. The things that used to stress me -- pre-benzo WD -- now give me minor pause, and then I think back on my grueling WDs and how I have survived them (you will, too!) and I feel stronger than I ever have!

 

Once you are free from that benzo crutch, you'll amaze yourself with how incredible and awesome of a person the real YOU is! I promise!!! 

 

Congratulations! I'm glad you're back to living life!

You are the hero! Thank you for the words of inspiration!!! Good luck and enjoy life☺

Congratulations! This makes my heart glad.

Congratulations! Thank you so much for sharing us your success story! My heart is crying for joy for your healing! Blessings to you and your husband for staying with you through this horrific ordeal.

 

May you continue to receive joy, peace, love and wellness with new your well deserved life!

 

Blessings!

Pi

Congratulations!!

 

SaraSue 

Thanks for the hope, Fish!  Your story is very inspiring.

This is such great news, Fish – thank you so much for sharing your success with others here who are still in the struggle, and giving everyone hope that there’s really life after z-drugs and benzos.

 

Wishing you the best in your new life!

 

Fish, thanks so much for taking the time to write your success story.  They mean so much to so many on bb!!  Mary 💜