Loneliness and relationships

I'm six months post taper and am doing okay, but feeling sad lately because I'm alone and isolated.  I've always been a bit of a loner, and enjoyed my alone time.  But I retired over a decade ago, have no kids, and just a small group of long-term good friends that don't live very close.  I've also been in an on-again, off-again relationship for over a decade.  Currently, I haven't spoken to her for over a month because she can be difficult and jealous, and stops communicating as punishment for my "bad behavior" like hanging out with an old (male) friend. 

On the one hand, she can be very supportive and loving when we're getting along.  But, I don't think the passive-aggressive withdrawal she practices is something I want any longer.  The problem is that I don't have anybody else.  I'm also in my 50s, and apparently not that attractive.  With the benzo recovery, I don't often feel like getting out, and can't imagine meeting somebody and developing a relationship.....

I've also developed a fatalistic mind-set since the benzo crisis in which I fear that I will die alone soon.  This could be partially realizing I'm solidly middle-aged, live alone, and have become aware of my mortality since the benzos brought me to my knees.

I just don't know how to navigate life very effectively right now.  Sometimes I'll feel pretty good for a solid month, and then I'll do something wrong, get down on myself, and spiral for a few days.  During these bad times, I don't even feel great driving to the store.

I welcome suggestions and feedback.

You know the answer deep in your heart, aren't you.. the kind of answer no one of us will hear.

Its easy:

You do not want to die alone?

But do you want to die and have someone with you who will punish you for your weakness (cause that will happen with a narcistic partner)

You think you are not attractive?

I bet you can change this and make the best out of what you got. Withdrawal will not last forever. I have seen people losing weight, starting to go to the gym, learning new hobbies and getting self-confidence back. The question should be - will you get a problem with your current partner if you start to look damn good and making new friends.. 

You are 50.. how long do you plan to live? I mean it is possible to live for another 30 or more years. If you start thinking that you are old and ugly now - you will spend a lot of time alone I guess.

I know that a relationship that goes off-on-off-on takes so much energy from us. I think you are lucky you seem to get along easily being alone, not many people can do that - some aren't even able to eat alone in a restaurant. I would work with this!! Be the lonely wolf, recover but then, as ever wolf does, wander around and watch whats good in the world and try new things. You have survived withdrawal! And you said it clear, you do not want another withdrawal like she does to you. Thats another good thing, - dont you see that you have already seen the truth and made a decision.

You do not need to break up right now. Take it as you need - but you can start to become the true self you wanna be right now. Make a plan. List some things, you never did and where you get in touch with new people - and then, do it. You dont seem to depend on her financially so its just your heart you need to listen to.

Time to be free, buddy. step by step. 

Marigold

I think it depends on what's available in your area and what you like to do and can tolerate doing right now. A big plus is that you feel pretty good most of the time with some exceptions, so more flexible activities might be less stressful.

I'm in your age range and live in a rural town with very limited options close by. I hope you're in an area with more things to do to get out, because just getting out opens the door for more human interaction and hopefully relationships that are healthy.

Since I'm still in taper (and with all that baggage), I'm going slow in stepping back out into the world. I'm up to two (and the last day three) twenty minute walks per day. I know the times it's quiet with no one around and when I'm likely to see someone. If I'm feeling up to it, I walk and stop and chat and play with dogs. I take my camera with me and take photos of flowers which I enjoy. I'm also in contact with a publishing house about doing a cookbook, so I have something to ask people for input about - recipes.

What are some things you enjoy doing? If you can find ways to do those things, you will find others with similar interests. Your local library or senior center (age to go is 55 here) will likely have classes and trips. You can always take your cell phone, book, or Kindle if you need to "get away" for part of the time.

As far as looks, the people you want close are the ones who see your beauty both on the surface and inside. I'm sure you look better than you think you do, because benzos and the pain of w/d tell us lies.

I hope some of my ideas help or springboard you to things that would work for you. You beat benzos, so you are a strong person who deserves all the best this world has to offer. Reach out however it works for you, and all the best.

Marigold makes loads of sense here.

You’ve posted cos you don’t like being as you are!

Loneliness is a depressant in itself.

(When Pam was alive we were surrounded by family and friends and I was “working”  24/7 but busy and happy. Sailing, cricket, tennis, charity work. 

But after she died got thumped on meds.  Couldn’t socialise —- lonely as hell and quite resigned to dying alone.)

Please get out there.  My best mate got married aged 58 and they are so happy. Through a dating site no less. Go on a singles cruise —- anything to stop this spiral of aloneness.

Good luck

Dick

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I did actually go to a friend's party this weekend, and was feeling pretty good!  I got some female attention, and met someone.  We even kissed. 

We're texting now and will no doubt makes plans to get together soon.  I don't know if it's coincidental, but I've been feeling a little queasy and Zanaxxy since that night.  Part of me is thinking about the exe.  We didn't "break-up" officially - just stopped talking altogether - which I've been treating as a break-up.

I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed.  Not sure what to say to either girl?  Or What to tell the new girl about my xanax issues?  Help!

Don’t start a new relationship with a lie will you. ?

I am sure you will be able to tell her.

Best wishes

Dick

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I did actually go to a friend's party this weekend, and was feeling pretty good!  I got some female attention, and met someone.  We even kissed. 

We're texting now and will no doubt makes plans to get together soon.  I don't know if it's coincidental, but I've been feeling a little queasy and Zanaxxy since that night.  Part of me is thinking about the exe.  We didn't "break-up" officially - just stopped talking altogether - which I've been treating as a break-up.

 

I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed.  Not sure what to say to either girl?  Or What to tell the new girl about my xanax issues?  Help!

Well in my eyes this is not and adult behavior. End the old relationship properly before you start dating/going out/having one night stands /kiss whatever.

Show some responsibility, man. Nothing wrong about being single and having fun - but you should make that clear BEFORE you start (even with ladies you just want to kiss you should mention this before - otherwise she could dream of more and you crush your heart).

The worst you can do is just saying nothing - like you already do with your ex. Assuming is dangerous when it comes to any kind of relationship.

Same thing when being honest about the benzo issues.

If you want to be worshiped and loved from the heart as you are - do you think you will get that when you start to get into contact with women and they do not know you are in a relationship, and you do not know if the old relationship is really over, and they do not know - need to stop now.

the funny thing is, if you stick to that behavior you will get exactly what you had before.

sorry to be so harsh, but you are not 15 years old.

Hi BBG,

I just wanted to speak to this part, "Or What to tell the new girl about my xanax issues?  Help!"

Nothing.  For right now, nothing. there's no need to discuss it with anyone, particularly because the two of you are not an item.

The right info, in the right amounts to the right people.  Or a 'need to know' basis.  Thus far, I have not told my (nosy retired with endless time on their hands come visit us before we pass on guilt tripping) in-laws because it is none of their business. 

I read your entire post and want to suggest you are doing just fine! Off of benzos, ending/ended relationship with non-supportive girlfriend and you desire to do things, to be busy and engaged.  Nothing wrong with desire! It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you because you currently don't have something you'd like or that you need. Alone can be changed, ditto feeling isolated.  So you've identified some desires - excellent!  Find what's good for you, and what works for you. 

-PH

My father is 64 and has just discovered online dating. He's loving it and has recently met a really nice woman. This was after he left a toxic relationship with my mother, followed by an emotionally abusive relationship with another woman. It's never too late. I'd say walk away from any toxicity even if that means temporarily feeling a little alone, but emphasis on temporarily. You then get to decide what you do want, what kind of person you'd to meet etc.

See it as an adventure and don't take it too seriously to begin with - just enjoy it, go with the flow and be open to new possibilities. Attitude is everything too. If you feel there's room to develop your self esteem (think anyone going through BW would feel the same) then see this as a chance to redevelop the relationship with yourself first. It's taking a leap of faith - but then no good things come from sitting about wondering what if. Good luck

BBG:

You are certainly not alone in feeling lonely--it seems to be a fairly widespread phenomenon in our culture. Ditto with the sense of mortality--I don't think that is unusual for someone in our age range. But that's all the more reason to end an unfulfilling relationship in order to open yourself to new possibilities. If you aren't willing to take that step yet, you should be fair to any potential new partners and let them know of your relationship status. They can then decide for themselves if that works for them or not.

Regarding what to tell any potential partner about your "xanax issues", I agree with Peaceful Hope that you don't need to tell them anything until you both commit to the relationship.

BBG:

My 2 cents on your post.

First off, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

The criteria I use for dating is if someone adds more stress than they take away, I'm out of there. Taking off for months with no communication would be something I refuse to tolerate.

You went to a single party and managed to meet someone so your opinions on your own attractiveness could be off.

As for the getting out issue, you should look into something you want to do that is a group event. Sports, martial arts, it doesn't matter what you pick, as long as it's something you want to add to your life. (I am biased towards physical activity though as I love martial arts.) If it serves the purpose of fitness and skill development on top of meeting people it's a win even if you don't find someone to date via that avenue.

The goal shouldn't be to meet people, but to take part in the activity you choose. Meeting people is the organic side effect of taking part in group activities. You might meet a new friend who wants to hook you up with someone else etc.

If the only interest you have is meeting someone to date then as writethefuture mentioned, online dating has changed the entire way people meet. It is faster and more efficient. I personally use it as I find if a girl cannot write a single paragraph about herself that interests me, then I can just move on to the next profile.

As for telling people about your xanax, it may not be their business, but it is a problem if it affects you and makes you feel like you are lying to them. My advice is simple. Don't hide it, and don't talk about it unless asked. If a sxs rears it's ugly head and you need to apologize then mention that you are in the process of getting off a nasty medication and it causes issues. Reassure them that these are getting less and less and will go away soon.

Everyone wants to be loved. If you get completely caught up in trying to prove that you are worthy of her love, you are forgetting that she also has to show that she is worthy of your love. Nobody's love is of more value than the other so don't assign it a lesser value.

If things are getting too stressful to handle with 1 girl. Just remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are girls who will move across the country to be with the right guy, so don't think you are limited to just your area.

Just keep your expectations realistic and never forget, like the song says, "Girls just want to have fun."

Good luck out there.