14 months off - short term (3 months) Ativan

I've been browsing the boards a bit more the last couple days to try to find where other people were in their journey at 14 months off.

I've found some good inspiration, so I'm glad about that.

 

I think I've hit a wave - which may have to do with my "cycle" and possibly entering perimenopause as well.

 

Basically at this point my biggest symptoms are the fear of never getting back to my old self again - never healing, that this is permanent.  SO many symptoms have severely lessened or gone away and I truly thought that when the DP/DR lifted that I would feel "healed", but I don't.  I still feel so "off" and I believe it's all anxiety related.  I didn't even take the Ativan for anxiety, but my brain keeps reminding me how stressed I was before all this and I have myself pretty much convinced that I'll be this way for the rest of my life.

 

But then I read other people's posts and I see they felt similarly to how I'm feeling now.  I just have this brain fog/cognitive/short term memory thing that I can't shake.  I cry - a lot.  Out of frustration.  Like, my daughter came to visit for Easter weekend and it was just SO hard to try to "fake it" and be happy and enjoy myself.  We went to Cocoa Beach for the day and I literally sat in my beach chair, covered my face, and CRIED because I feel SO off.  And the thing is, I don't know WHY.

 

I seem to read success stories and updates and it's like people just slowly progress back to their "old" lives . . . over time they heal and they pretty much go back to who they were before and they feel "normal".  I can barely remember what "normal" feels like.  Like, how on earth did I spend my days before all this?  I'm SO obsessed with it.  I talk with other BB members and I get frustrated when I see how obsessed THEY are . . . yet, I can barely go a few minutes without thinking about how I'm feeling, my symptoms, coming on here, calling one of my BB support friends . . . I can't just LIVE.

 

When will I be able to LIVE normally again?  When will I be able to stop thinking about this whole ordeal??

 

Symptoms at 14 months off include:

 

Brain Fog/Cog Fog

Insomnia seems to have returned (I was starting to get some sleep again the past couple months)

Anxiety

Crying Spells

Obsessive thoughts (Monkey Brain)

Fear I'll never get better

Inability to stop thinking about it

 

I swear I felt I was doing better a month or two ago.  I feel like I'm going backwards some.

It's SO hard to get work done.

My husband talks to me and I can barely focus enough to comprehend what he's talking about.

 

I feel like this is all my own doing... my thought processes are messed up, and somehow I've messed up my own brain and I'll never get it right again.  Or worse, I think back to my entire life (I just turned 53) and think to myself "you've always been a little off, haven't you?" 

 

I remember after Hurricane Irma thinking "Wow, this one took a lot more out of you" . . . and feeling overwhelmed trying to clean up the day after.  it was a lot of preparation and stuff.  I just keep thinking I was maybe on the edge of a cliff already and the Ativan just pushed me over that cliff.

 

I don't know.

I'm rambling.

 

I need to somehow/somewhere find peace and I'm searching everywhere (yes, including my faith) but it feels like God is so far away.

I know he's not.  I know I have to trust him.

 

I just feel so lost.

And sometimes I kick myself for coming here because I think it triggers and makes my symptoms worse (anxiety), yet I can't help it.  I need some guidance/encouragement/support.

 

Is a 14 month wave typical?

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.  It feels good to get it out.  I just can't believe it's taking THIS long to feel better.

I thought I would be "healed" by my birthday LAST year.

 

Ugh.

 

Love to all

 

Fakeit

☺ Hold on! It's okay! You're on the verge of healing.

I'm right there with you. Much of what you said here, I could write verbatim. I'm so worried about never feeling like my old self again, yet I have no idea what my old self was like anymore. I constantly think about what I was like before this and what my anxiety, sadness, anger, fatigue, and sleep were like before taking Klonopin for the 2 1/2 months before this. I'm pretty sure I was struggling before this, but nowhere near as bad as when I quit the medication. But, I constantly think, is this the new me?

 

I wanted to cry my eyes out this morning as I walked into work. It's so hard faking like everything is fine every day, especially when the job triggered your anxiety before the withdrawal started. But, I'm left with the same repetitive thought cycles like you describe. Will I ever feel normal again? Will I feel love for my family again and not anger? Will I start pursuing old interests? Is there a chance I could like my job if withdrawal ended? Is it time for a new job? Just endless thoughts.

 

I can fully relate to what you say about not comprehending anything your husband says to you too. I can't focus on anything but how I'm feeling. I want to get back into life in the worst possible way. I know we are improving because symptoms are changing, but feeling normal again would be awesome.

Your post brought me back to the dark days early in recovery Fakeittilyoumakeit. It is a miserable place to be. I have tremendous compassion for you. It takes longer than we wish but we do get to a better place. Our task is to care for ourselves well and trust in this  long process of healing.

 

I have spoken to many in the process of healing from benzodiazepine damage and it's not unusual to feel awful at your point in the healing process. Pull out all of your coping tools and take it a day at a time. You can do it.

 

I too have a very supportive partner. He has devoted his retirement to the research and education surrounding benzodiazepines. I still need his pep talks at nearly 4 years off but am much much better than I was at 14 months. I am very functional yet sensitive to excessive stimulus which can trigger a wave. For example I just drove 2000 miles home from a long winter vacation...it was too much for my still fragile nervous system. But I did it! I was capable! I'm a long way from days on the couch or bed.

 

You will get there! It can take a long while but bit by bit you will see improvements. It's time for devoted self care. Be patient and kind with yourself.

 

Warmly,

Carita 

Haven't read you for a while and I am glad you are still here I have always thought you are a tough woman, tough cookie so to speak , and you will feel better with time. 14 months is NOTHING.

I just wrote about my awesome day in the protracted board, this is just insane - I get so many good days now. And you know how I felt last year or the year before... I think there is hope for others when a wreck like I was can feel better.

I do not know when exactly it happened but the time I keep thinking about my life and benzos is now limited because I am able to do more. As long as we feel so weak its so easy to be stuck in looping thoughts, oh how I know that.

Sending you a hug! 

And stay strong, do you!! 

You are all SO awesome. Thank you for the positive and encouraging responses. I love you all so much.

I'm happy to report I am feeling better this afternoon. Dare I say a window? Not a full one, but one where I feel calm and a bit more at peace. I don't think I could go home and watch the news or anything but... I'm sitting in the parking lot picking my daughter up from work and I feel almost normal. I can take deep breaths and feel calm.

I also got baylissa book in the mail today and it's helping me tremendously. I highly suggest it to anybody going through this.

Hugs to you all!! You are my angels.

You are all SO awesome. Thank you for the positive and encouraging responses. I love you all so much.

I'm happy to report I am feeling better this afternoon. Dare I say a window? Not a full one, but one where I feel calm and a bit more at peace. I don't think I could go home and watch the news or anything but... I'm sitting in the parking lot picking my daughter up from work and I feel almost normal. I can take deep breaths and feel calm.

I also got baylissa book in the mail today and it's helping me tremendously. I highly suggest it to anybody going through this.

Hugs to you all!! You are my angels.

 

It is you who made this possible. Not giving up, keeping the faith, working on coping strategies.

You are all angels!!! And karita the first angel who met me on this site☺

This is just so weird how you can feel different almost every day.

 

Again today I feel like so many of my symptoms are gone; except my ability to move past this and for my brain to stop racing about everything in life.

 

Someone told me today it's probably a mid life crisis; because of my age.

 

I can't deny that I don't have a lot on my mind about retirement, marriage, and other things.

 

Ugh.

 

This I just so wish I could put this in my past.

 

 

Congratulations on your success, I'm sorry your still struggling, but also believe God never gives us more than were able to bare, you must be very strong indeed!  Hang in there- you can do it!