Back to many multiple zero nights after a long stretch of normalcy

Approaching 2yrs off Ativan. My first 6 months were Hellish insomnia. Then I had a full year with pretty regular sleep.  Then I had some major life stressors that put me right back to Hell. For the past 4 months I have been experiencing complete emotional numbness, blank mind, depersonalization/derealization, severe head pressure and burning brain, and horrific insomnia. 

I am stuck in hyperalert and cannot fall asleep at all. I was going a couple months with 2 to 4 days with zero sleep then crash for a few hours.  It has broken me down.  Tried CBD gummies without success then melatonin with rare success. I then caved and went back on Remeron two weeks ago but it only worked first night at 7.5mg and when I upped it to 15mg on fifth night. The other nights were zero nights.  So I stopped it cold turkey after a week.  Hopeless, I tried Benadryl last night and it didn't get me any sleep at all.  I have been taking melatonin for 6 weeks now. 

This feels like it is going to kill me.  I am in such a bad place and don't know what to do.  Not sure if I should be checked out at hospital or what. The head pains are even worse since the Remeron and ongoing sleeplessness. I don't know if I can survive strings of zero nights.

Sorry to hear this uncomfortablynumb1. Stress seems to be a major trigger for most of us bc we are already genetically predisposed IMO. I recall many years ago before my PD ever began bf my intro. to benzos. I had a lot of workplace stress going on and I was also exercising too much to try to deal with that stress. That combination of physical and psychological stress pushed me over the edge IMO and I started having panic attacks and severe anxiety. It got so bad until I had to finally seek medical treatment for it. In hindsight, there were better ways to cope with the workplace stress during this time like meditation and light gentle aerobic exercise. Instead, I ate lots of sugar and did intense aerobic exercise. These things just made the stress worse and the sustained cumulative effect finally overwhelmed my fragile CNS and I began having sx's.

Man, I wish I could go back in time and redo my entire life. In hindsight, I would do so many things differently and avoid the benzo trap I find myself into today.

@uncomfortablynumb1, I really think it is the stress, not so much your prior benzo history that is causing your current distress. The benzos just weaken our ability to cope naturally IMHO and it does not take very much to push us over the edge. What life stressor precipitated this return to hell you are now experiencing if you do not mind sharing?

Stress can definitely be a big culprit in all of this but let's try to cover a few bases here. Have you/are you taking any supplements? Vitamin D3 completely destroyed my ability to sleep, and I had strong reactions to magnesium. Have you had any alcohol in the past while?

If you've avoided all of that, then we can assume it's a stress related setback. Unfortunately sleep is extremely fickle in our state and throwing meds at it can do more harm than a night of desperate sleep can recover. Sleep returned in the past for you, your mind knows how to recover. If you avoid meds/supplements/herbs that can cause potential setbacks, there's no reason to think what you're dealing with won't sort itself out in time. As horrible as that time is, I know you know all too well.

Hang in there bud.

@[an...]

I think stress is part of it. Or maybe it triggers old withdrawal symptoms.  These are pretty extreme symptoms. Not garden variety anxiety and depression. The stressors I had were death in family, moving, and suspending my work due to all of this.  I have no idea how to get better from all this.  I am stuck in high alert and sleep deprivation has become extreme.  Like you I regret getting onto psych meds but at least you were not on many like me.  I have had so many cold turkeys and rapid tapers it is nuts. 

@fightingfox

I take vitamin D but not religiously.  I also take magnesium.  It doesn't seem to matter if I do or don't.  I am just not sleeping at all.  Melatonin I have taken pretty regularly but it doesn't do anything other than sometimes give me a heavy feeling in my eyes.  I had alcohol quite a few times while I was doing well during that year stretch.  It didn't affect me negatively. 

The sleep switch seems broken and I get desperate.  Not sure what I can do to help now.