Unsure if dependency or fear of dependency

For general background. I've struggled with mental health issues including insomnia, depression, ocd traits and anxiety since I was about 14 years old or so, shortly after my fathers suicide. I've been on and off different SSRIs with no real issues in the past and have been comfortably. I've been prescribed Benzos in the past and never really had any hard time coming off of them.

 

I believe i've had a total of 5 ativan scripts in my life.

 

1.) Back in 2009 for anxiety, can't for sure remember the dosage, but I believe it was .5mg 2x a day for a month. I took it for the month then stopped with no issues.

 

2.) In sept of 2018  I was given a script for 20 .5mg pills prescribed as needed. Only took them when I was having really bad days. Never more than 1mg in a single 24 hour span. All in all the 20 pills lasted at least two months , after which i didn't have them for months and felt fine.

 

3.) Fast forward to February and I hadn't had any real problems with anxiety since the last round of Ativan until the middle of the month. Was having anxiety that wasn't easy to manage on my own, so the doctor gave me another 20 x .5 mg Ativan script with two refills. I had one of the worst panic attacks in my life one day and took 1.5mg to combat it but after that went back to at most 1mg a day. Looking back i used a bit more in the first week than i normally would , but still no more than 1mg a day for about 10 days.

 

To break it down Since febuary 27th(54 days) I have used 50 .5mg pills of Ativan. Not a one every day kind of deal, but one or two then stretches of days where i didn't take any and felt fine save for just regular background anxiety.  Most recently I took 1mg on teusday of last week then nothing until  a .5mg i took last night. In the days that i'm not on them I feel for the most part fine. Just some kind of back of the head anxiety and occasional body ripple sensations, but those have always accompanied my periods of panic, benzos or not.

 

Part of my anxiety/mental problems come from a bit of ocd/hypochondria tendencies. A few days I was looking up getting off of Benzos and sort of fell down the rabbit hole of horror stories and painful, prolonged recover. I've actually got an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time to start therapy to deal with my issues in general.

 

I guess what i'm asking is if from what i've told you you think it's likely that i'm dependent on benzos? After all the reading i'm worried about both taking and not taking the few doses I have left. I'm not sure if the way i've been taking it(somewhat infrequently) could be considered kindling, if i'm fine and this is just my regular anxiety, or if i'm dependent and should just take a pill a day until my appointment teusday and let the psychiatrist figure it out.

 

Another thing is i recently(last Tuesday)  started on a CPAP machine for newly diagnoses sleep apnea and am not sure if using that has figured into any of this. 

 

Sorry for the rambles.

Welcome to Benzo Buddies.

 

It sounds like you have taken one mg of Ativan sporadically for the last 54 days and have not felt much more than your baseline anxiety when you don’t take it. We can’t diagnose whether anyone is in benzo withdrawal as we are not medical professionals and this site is designed to support those who are and those who need support around benzos, generally. That being said, in my opinion, what you describe does not sound like the benzo withdrawal I experienced.

 

If you are able to manage without taking a benzo, my opinion would be to steer clear of them except in the most urgent circumstances where your panic would otherwise send you to the ER. It’s great that you are planning on seeing a doctor to help discuss ways to manage your anxiety hopefully without the use of benzos.  I know the hypochondriasis/OCD is a difficult condition as I also have it. Some ways I’ve used to manage mine are exercise, community support, working now that I am better from my withdrawal and avoiding overusing caffeine.

 

You now have access to all of the boards here at BB to post and participate. However, please do not spend too much time reading horror stories because it could cause unnecessary anxiety for you. It doesn’t sound to me like you have had any kindling. Many people can take benzos PRN without a problem—-some cannot but I think you would know unequivocally if your PRN use has caused benzo problems.

 

I hope you find the reassurance you are seeking on this forum.

 

Carol

Thank you very much for the speedy reply. Ultimately my biggest worry about withdraw is/was death and or seizures, which i know sounds kind of ludicrous given my small dosage and time  frame. That's always been one of my ocd things though, if i think i might experience something I worry i'll experience the utmost worst of it.

 

Just hearing your opinion helps a great deal. As i don't have anyone in my life who's gone through this I haven't had any experiences other than ones on the web, and you know, people who take ativan and don't struggle getting off of it likely aren't around posting on the internet.

 

You're right in that it's bee 1mg of ativan sporadically for the past two-ish months. In the time between doses (if they're like 3-4 days away) I function normally and can even do stuff like go to the gym and engage in strenuous exercise. Me taking one after a stint like that is either because of insomnia or "Oh crap, what if i'm addicted and this is going to kill me" panic.  So it sounds like your judgement is pretty spot on. Hopefully the doctor will surmise much the same and give me some tools to deal with my problems without 'risky' medications.

 

Thank's for bearing with me!

Paul,

I feel for you as you bob up and down in relapses of anxiety.

Though you casually mention your dad’s suicide—-I expect at that age you suffered from huge waves of expectancy and uncertainty.  I hope you have even years later have had successful therapy to deal with these issues.

My daughter counsels children who parent has died after cancer or sudden death. It’s so traumatic for her to feel the kids pain she is only allowed to see two kids a day.

We cannot prescribe advice as such but I know if it was me I would destroy the benzos and never get any more —- I know that is scary thought.  But for me it hints at the binge drinking I fell into looking after my dying wife, or the stealing I used to get attention during a very difficult if loving upbringing.

You won’t die from stopping occasional benzos I am pretty sure. But if you got hooked your life would take years to recover.

Incidentally you are no longer alone.... I hope you feel relieved a little —- folk stay on here years after they are better to help us still struggling to get to a better place.

Best wishes

Dick

 

For general background. I've struggled with mental health issues including insomnia, depression, ocd traits and anxiety since I was about 14 years old or so, shortly after my fathers suicide. I've been on and off different SSRIs with no real issues in the past and have been comfortably. I've been prescribed Benzos in the past and never really had any hard time coming off of them.

 

I believe i've had a total of 5 ativan scripts in my life.

 

1.) Back in 2009 for anxiety, can't for sure remember the dosage, but I believe it was .5mg 2x a day for a month. I took it for the month then stopped with no issues.

 

2.) In sept of 2018  I was given a script for 20 .5mg pills prescribed as needed. Only took them when I was having really bad days. Never more than 1mg in a single 24 hour span. All in all the 20 pills lasted at least two months , after which i didn't have them for months and felt fine.

 

3.) Fast forward to February and I hadn't had any real problems with anxiety since the last round of Ativan until the middle of the month. Was having anxiety that wasn't easy to manage on my own, so the doctor gave me another 20 x .5 mg Ativan script with two refills. I had one of the worst panic attacks in my life one day and took 1.5mg to combat it but after that went back to at most 1mg a day. Looking back i used a bit more in the first week than i normally would , but still no more than 1mg a day for about 10 days.

 

To break it down Since febuary 27th(54 days) I have used 50 .5mg pills of Ativan. Not a one every day kind of deal, but one or two then stretches of days where i didn't take any and felt fine save for just regular background anxiety.  Most recently I took 1mg on teusday of last week then nothing until  a .5mg i took last night. In the days that i'm not on them I feel for the most part fine. Just some kind of back of the head anxiety and occasional body ripple sensations, but those have always accompanied my periods of panic, benzos or not.

 

Part of my anxiety/mental problems come from a bit of ocd/hypochondria tendencies. A few days I was looking up getting off of Benzos and sort of fell down the rabbit hole of horror stories and painful, prolonged recover. I've actually got an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time to start therapy to deal with my issues in general.

 

I guess what i'm asking is if from what i've told you you think it's likely that i'm dependent on benzos? After all the reading i'm worried about both taking and not taking the few doses I have left. I'm not sure if the way i've been taking it(somewhat infrequently) could be considered kindling, if i'm fine and this is just my regular anxiety, or if i'm dependent and should just take a pill a day until my appointment teusday and let the psychiatrist figure it out.

 

Another thing is i recently(last Tuesday)  started on a CPAP machine for newly diagnoses sleep apnea and am not sure if using that has figured into any of this. 

 

Sorry for the rambles.

 

Hi Paul- there’s a ton in your post but I wanted to address the CPAP.  I had severe sleep apnea, like waking up 90 times an hour sleep apnea. My caffeine consumption was through the roof to the tune of multiple Red Bulls and several cups of coffee which I used to combat the drowsiness.  Once I got the CPAP I should have done the right thing and pulled back on the caffeine. 

 

It does take a bit to get used to sleeping with the CPAP but if you are consuming the amount of caffeine just try one cup of coffee in the morning and see if that helps.

Hi Paul,

Benzos are addictive. No one is exempt from that. If you take benzos, even if sporadically, you WILL become dependant on them over time. I am a little unclear on what your plans are. Are you tapering off benzos? What other meds do you take?

Speaking as a nurse, the CPAP wont make a bit of difference in this. CPAP fixes a problem of sleep apnea in many people. By using it you are giving your brain more oxygen and that is a GOOD thing.

I understand your OCD'ism. I didn't know I had this until I got off benzos! Thirty years of nightly benzos and my poor brain was almost fried. As I healed, my OCD things began to become much clearer to me. And that is a but humerous. I never cared at all about cleaning my home. I don't think I even OWNED a vacuum cleaner! But during WD I became very OCD about this, and started  cleaning my home for the first time. I made a lot of silly mistakes but in the end cleaning became somewhat of a passion for me. Once I had healed, I started my own cleaning business. That was 4 years ago and I am even better at cleaning now! I am an RN of many years but needed a break from that.

Let us know how you are doing and how we can help you reach your goals.

east

I am a little unclear on what your plans are. Are you tapering off benzos? What other meds do you take?
 
 

 
From what my doctor and the first couple responders have said I'm fairly certain my plan is just to pretend the ativan i have leftover doesn't exist.  The rate and dosage at which I took it maths out to a little under .5mg per day over 54 days, but it was taken sporadically, with a few days in between a lot of the dosages. Since i've felt nothing really worse than my normal anxiety outside of some insomnia after taking none of it for 4 or so days, i'm thinking i'm sort of "at the threshold" so to speak. Where i'm either very 'mildly' dependent, or close to becoming so if i keep using them. I still don't really have a tolerance. A .5mg pill still knocks me out at night, but I know that can change easily and I don't want it to get to that point.  I spoke to my psychiatrist when setting up my appointment over the phone and she said it sounds ok to her, but we're going to talk about it on Tuesday.
 
So far as other medication I take:

• 40mg Procaz 1x day (been on it for about a year).
  
• 200mg Testosterone cypionate 1x week
  
• 1mg anastrozole 1x week 24 hours after injection
  
• 25mg Hydroxyzine 3x day

 

The testosterone has been going on for about 6 months because after some full panel blood work my total and free testosterone were super low despite me being physically active/working out. Got it tested two more times at a clinic before they put me on it. Gives me a good chunk of energy that i try to use for self care things, but it has caused some hormone spikes/swings that have hurt my mood. Seems more stable now that i've been on it longer.  I only used the Hydroxyzine for a few days and discontinued it because it felt like it just made me more cloudy headed and my heart beat feel funny which just fed into my obsessive "Why dont i feel normal" thoughts. My Primary has actually prescribed 60 mg prozac to see if it helps with my anxiety and the like, but i'm still taking 40s because i'm wanting to get the psych artists opinion first /anxious about moving up in a dosage for it.