Help Me Hold Steady

I am on a liquid taper now and holding steady. I even walked twenty minutes x two walks the last two days. And, I got back on Facebook, because I was offered a contract job that requires social media last week (haven't worked in two years). It was nice to message a couple of old friends after losing contact with everyone. It literally is just me and my cat here alone.

 

My mother sees I posted on FB and starts to leave comments and PMs. I have been on FB for nine years but quit using it four months ago due to my mom stalking. She's been on a year or two. I thought that was my benzo imagination - the stalking thing. Today she mentioned that she saw my sister get on FB and sent her a PM, and my sister ignored her.  She's stalking. It's not benzo brain.

 

My rocky up and down taper from Jan to March ran parallel to my mom getting in touch. I told her that I could not handle her telling me about everyone sick, dying, and dead person she hears about. She still does. She also has select family and neighbors that she likes to "share the dirt on." I find this troubling - especially when one is a sibling. These things she shares (and no balance with good news) are my looping thoughts often.

 

I got her backed off by not using FB and taking the phone off the hook. That contract job means I need some way to be contacted. I've told her I need space, but she thinks a taper should take two or three days. She just won't listen.

 

I'm wound tight, because she showed up at my house today to spray my basement for spiders. WTH? She is elderly and was down there coughing and such even when I told her she did not need to do that. She then called twice and put three FB PMs up.

 

Right now I got up the nerve (she is a total control freak - causing me anxiety) to PM that she MUST stop pushing me and that it makes me lose ground when she does. I also told her I could not make lunch at her house tomorrow and am not getting together on Monday. I agreed to Monday before she came over, called, and blew up my PM. I open the door just a TINY bit, and she is all over me.

 

Yeah. I feel like a horrible person, but I'm not going to make it if she keeps it up. My goal now is to not up my Xanax and not to drop a lot and fast trying to be well enough to be the person she expects. That "speed it up" thing got me very sick.

 

Please pull for me to stay steady on my taper.

I didn't take extra Xanax. I did take Benadryl and slept some. Still feel horrible. Have not decided what to do next.

Lilyann,

 

Can you block your mom on FB and on your phone?  Stressful people can make wd worse ...

 

Hope you are doing better!

 

SaraSue 

It's really complicated. I do love my mom. She is in her 70s and has always been this way. She controls most of the family, and she has already caused huge rifts there. To complicate things, she lives only one mile away. Also, she says I am her best friend, and she unloads everything on me including her sex life or lack of now.

 

I could block her on FB. My phone is landline, so I doubt I could block that. My concern with blocking in addition to her talking bad about me to all the family and neighbors (town size is less than 1000 people) is that she would just show up at my house. I want my house to be my safe space, but she comes over and tells me things like that my father ran around on her, because she was pregnant with me and looked fat. How is that my fault?

 

Anyway, she is mad, since I sent the PM asked her to "please stop pushing" and also that I did not go over for the holiday meal. That may give me four or five days of peace.

 

Thank you so much for some ideas. I will think on them some more.