Anyone regret their behavior on benzos?

Now that I'm a little more than 3 months off benzos I can look back and see how poorly I was acting. I knew they would make me more angry at times but for awhile there under stress people started calling me manic, friends dropped for reasons I didn't understand but I looked back at old messages and was blowing up on them and going over the top ranting about stuff and not saying anything mean really but going too far in some things I would say. I feel terrible now. This is not like me. I don't even know if I should contact them and apologize or just let it go. I wasn't abusing benzos in that I wasn't taking more than prescribed or mixing them with other drugs but I was def. addicted and it changed my behavior. I feel like so guilty and embarrassed for some of the things I said and did. I feel really down about myself because this is not who I am. Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do?

To some people I apologized but I also explained that it was not my true self. And that is the truth - under these meds we are not in our true personality. I would only apologize or talk to people who are able and willing to understand. Others might just blame you and this would not be fair. But I think its good to tell people "when I look back now - I do not recognize myself. I am sorry"..

I have told the people who were at my side in withdrawal how hard it was and that today I know I was totally freaking out. And that I am so sorry they had to be with me in these days - but also that I am thankful.

I mean, overall, I try not to spring into the "guilt"-boat, because thats the wrong boat, so to speak. But it can never be wrong to talk about difficult situations when we are free, because then you can re-connect to people and give them a hug - and they can tell you they still love you no matter what..

Thanks Marigold11 

I'm sorry you had to go thru this too but I'm glad you were able to reconnect with people.

Your response was so helpful because thats a very nice way to put things and apologize to people.

Sun,

 

I guess I was lucky as I don’t feel benzos changed me.  I don’t have any regrets.

 

SaraSue. 

Thanks Marigold11 

I'm sorry you had to go thru this too but I'm glad you were able to reconnect with people.

Your response was so helpful because thats a very nice way to put things and apologize to people.

 

You are welcome   See it as a progress that you are able to reflect and look back. Maybe forget yourself in some way, this opens the door to more self-love. At least thats my experience. We are only humans..

I think one of the steps in AA is reaching out and asking for forgiveness. So may be a healthy, humbling approach.

Me!

I look back on my life on drugs and wonder who the hell that was, nothing I can do about it now. And anyway, I have good news. You think you’re back now at three months off, you’re not. You have further to go. You will become more and you your old self over time and it will feel so good. If you don’t know what to do now, hang on, you will.

Thank you Marigold for your response as I have the same concerns as Sunlit.  Marina is SO right though... I felt the real me coming back after 3 months and am glad I have waited a bit longer to try to make amends because at 11 months; I feel much more stable in who I really am (or was  ).  I like that step in AA but since we were prescribed these drugs (and I did not abuse them but ended up drinking to get the same affect in tolerance); I need some more time in order to do this with a meaningful heart as I am still mad about being a victim of a terrible psychiatrist. 

I think one of the steps in AA is reaching out and asking for forgiveness. So may be a healthy, humbling approach.

 

Does this step contain that one forgives itself,too?

If not I would say there is a mistake..

Yes---- because occasionally I became disinhibited and could rant, and I think I was distant with the kid's needs at really bad times.

 

But taking them did enable me to summon up the courage to ask out a beautiful girl and we had 42 years together.

 

Dickie

 

forgive yourself. it's ok. we now know that our behavior on benzos was not ourselves.

 

that's why we are off them!

 

now it's just up to us to be the nice people we were always meant to be.

 

 

reach out to anyone you may have offended and say sorry if it makes you feel any better but chances are they probably forgot!

 

anyone who truly matters will understand or have already forgiven you !!!

 

 

The worst was Benzo and driving my MC, or car. This is not a good combination. I drove too fast, and was so annoyed. So I understood that I had to stop, because I was dangerous.

 

But I'm still grateful, that there was no accident. And if they had done a police check, the test would be positive. So scary!

godyes. disinhibition and poor choice making ability...i dunno what part of the brain is responsible for those, plus the desire to "run away" for no good reasoon, but the drugs made that part of my brain work wrong.

 

i have regrets about actually most of my life but especially after the drugging, every day, most days.

 

in WD it's worse, the constant ruminating and guilt and shame and feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness. but distraction helps, also sometimes it forces me to do chores or work on things, to make myself feel better, it makes me feel as if i'm not worthless when i see i accomplished something, even minor things.

 

i did some stuff that can never be undone. those things make me want to end it, but then i cry and get it out, and tackle some chores, or other work, and it passes.

 

the thing is to NOT get trapped....there are "forces" at work that want us to stay trapped in the vicious cycle of guilt, regret, shame, feeling worthless, and yes they want us to end our lives eventually. (cause then we recycle into a new body and they have a brand new source of suffering to feed off of for about 80 years). but we can't let them win. those same forces feed off of our suffering, they eat the negative energy or low vibrational frequencies, and if we get stuck or trapped in the cycle, they win, we become batteries like Neo was in the Matrix before he was freed from the machines.

 

once you become aware of this (awakened), the forces that feed on your suffering are suddenly alerted, and you might notice  strange things seemingly working against you in your efforts to regain control, like when we start weaning ouselves off the drugs and improving our diets, and improving our health. like i said they feed on negative energy, they like us sick. a healthy person is of no use to them, and is actually a threat. people have reported being gangstalked and harassed by people in "real life" and online for speaking of this ...for speaking out against the forces/institutions who make the poisons and the ones who write the permission slips for us to take the poisons, for the advertising agents who mislead the innocent trusting people to go to those permission slip writers and ASK for the poisons! i have actually been the target of such scare tactics and threats just for posting some non-prescription natural healing methods and nutritional helps.

While I was on benzos I was so angry, about anything and everything. I was a horrible person. I'm much calmer now I'm off them, though still struggle with anxiety I'm in a better place on the whole.