craiving the pill

Psychological dependence is killing me. I am anxious, restless, bad insomnia, severe depression. There is no reason about it. I stop benzos before 2 years. I feel that ma Gaba are recovered. But since then i did not stop trying different meds without feeling good. And after spendin time on BB and talking with other buddies i recognized that i will never go back to normal happy me with mind altering agents. And guess what after this conclussion my i suffer mentaly like someone in my life passed. This is what my addicted brain does to me. Day and night torture. My last drug was Seroquel for 4 months 100-25mg for insomnia. I am 7 weeks drug free. Will my brain adjust to being drug free? When i will learn to live without pill and calm down and take my life back and live happy life. Will my brain adjust to that?

Yes, I believe it will.  Distract yourself.  Distract, distract, distract.  It will get better.  I did and I'm off everything after 18 years.

Yes - you will adjust but it will taking active willingness.  It is the opposite of the willfulness that keeps you wanting that pill.  Willingness to find a new path to happiness that is drug free.  When you find out that you don't need mind alternating drugs to be happy then you will be FREE. So like Seltz says, distract but do it with purpose to find that path.  Once your behavior is changed then your beliefs and THEN your identity!

Yes, I believe it will.  Distract yourself.  Distract, distract, distract.  It will get better.  I did and I'm off everything after 18 years.

 

Do you have mental symptoms? Anxiety, depression, anhedonia? I will not take a single pill. I am stronger than that. And if my brain wants to be happy again will learn how to work without pill. After all that stuff no more brain altering substances.

Yes, I believe it will.  Distract yourself.  Distract, distract, distract.  It will get better.  I did and I'm off everything after 18 years.

 

Do you have mental symptoms? Anxiety, depression, anhedonia? I will not take a single pill. I am stronger than that. And if my brain wants to be happy again will learn how to work without pill. After all that stuff no more brain altering substances.

 

Sounds like you have the will LeslieJ is talking about! 

 

My depression and anhedonia have mostly gone away.  I still get sad but not close to where I was.  My anxiety is still there but on the whole keeps getting less and less.  I don't get scared freaked out when the doorbell rings as an example.

Yes - you will adjust but it will taking active willingness.  It is the opposite of the willfulness that keeps you wanting that pill.  Willingness to find a new path to happiness that is drug free.  When you find out that you don't need mind alternating drugs to be happy then you will be FREE. So like Seltz says, distract but do it with purpose to find that path.  Once your behavior is changed then your beliefs and THEN your identity!

 

It will not be easy stuff. But i hope with time to get just a little better to cope with that. No more drugs and alcohol for me. Also i dont and cant feel like that years. Hope to calm down in months.

Yes, I believe it will.  Distract yourself.  Distract, distract, distract.  It will get better.  I did and I'm off everything after 18 years.

 

Do you have mental symptoms? Anxiety, depression, anhedonia? I will not take a single pill. I am stronger than that. And if my brain wants to be happy again will learn how to work without pill. After all that stuff no more brain altering substances.

 

Sounds like you have the will LeslieJ is talking about! 

 

My depression and anhedonia have mostly gone away.  I still get sad but not close to where I was.  My anxiety is still there but on the whole keeps getting less and less.  I don't get scared freaked out when the doorbell rings as an example.

 

Thank you that sounds good. I have the willingness. And also want to tell that i have benzos and other stuff at home but did not and wont touch them. Hope this forum to save my life. Everything that i learned i learned from BB. I am so sorry about could not tappering because when i started to think about giving up my meds i started to panick get anxious could not breath although i had benzos in my blood still. And after this thoughts i used to take double dose to calm me down and tell myself dont be afraid you will continue to take this drugs. The only choise i had was to cold turkey and then cry shake dont sleep and become a mess. Total mess. I miss prebenzo happy me. I forgot what to be happy was.

Yes, I believe it will.  Distract yourself.  Distract, distract, distract.  It will get better.  I did and I'm off everything after 18 years.

 

Do you have mental symptoms? Anxiety, depression, anhedonia? I will not take a single pill. I am stronger than that. And if my brain wants to be happy again will learn how to work without pill. After all that stuff no more brain altering substances.

 

Sounds like you have the will LeslieJ is talking about! 

 

My depression and anhedonia have mostly gone away.  I still get sad but not close to where I was.  My anxiety is still there but on the whole keeps getting less and less.  I don't get scared freaked out when the doorbell rings as an example.

 

Thank you that sounds good. I have the willingness. And also want to tell that i have benzos and other stuff at home but did not and wont touch them. Hope this forum to save my life. Everything that i learned i learned from BB. I am so sorry about could not tappering because when i started to think about giving up my meds i started to panick get anxious could not breath although i had benzos in my blood still. And after this thoughts i used to take double dose to calm me down and tell myself dont be afraid you will continue to take this drugs. The only choise i had was to cold turkey and then cry shake dont sleep and become a mess. Total mess. I miss prebenzo happy me. I forgot what to be happy was.

 

I totally understand.  I learned a lot from online resources too and was really concerned about having to taper over a long time.  The first time I didn't know any better and went to a detox and the second time, I knew a little more but knew I was going to have problems if my taper dragged out so I did it pretty quickly.  I think it does create more problems and comes with a lot of risk but in my mind it was better to get off and it has worked out for me and believe it does for most if you can get through the critical parts and it seems like you have. There were long periods of desperation but it did eventually get better.

Thank you! I need reassurance 100 times a day because relife from this torture seems so easy just a 2 pills of my dad's benzos. Sorry for that kind of post but that is how i feel. I just analyze my feelings and actions.

Thank you! I need reassurance 100 times a day because relife from this torture seems so easy just a 2 pills of my dad's benzos. Sorry for that kind of post but that is how i feel.

 

I want say to get rid of the pills right now but I myself have 8 pills in my nightstand.  You may not even be able to since they're your dad's.  You have to get through this knowing that if you took them again, it would mean a lot more pain.  You know you are capable without and you've made it this far.  Let it go and post here for support and do what you got to do to get through but leave the pills.  You don't need them anymore.

Thank you! I need reassurance 100 times a day because relife from this torture seems so easy just a 2 pills of my dad's benzos. Sorry for that kind of post but that is how i feel.

 

I want say to get rid of the pills right now but I myself have 8 pills in my nightstand.  You may not even be able to since they're your dad's.  You have to get through this knowing that if you took them again, it would mean a lot more pain.  You know you are capable without and you've made it this far.  Let it go and post here for support and do what you got to do to get through but leave the pills.  You don't need them anymore.

 

I read that my brain biochemistry is altered i am afraid that it will not go back to normal. And of course my brain think better be on pills a life long instead of suffering and living like that. Just I am telling you my thoughts They are not mine but of the addict in me. There are also very scary thoughts. I am working with cancer patients. I am a doctor medical oncologyst. Sometimes i want to have a cancer and the reason to take my anxiolitic pills. That bad is my addiction. Hope to feel a little better these months because now i cant watch tv or distract anyway. Want to watch tv. Just cant distract. But i will overcome that. Now when i told you this i feel better. Much better.

But i will overcome that. Now when i told you this i feel better. Much better.

 

So good to hear!  :thumbsup: 

Psychological dependence is killing me. I am anxious, restless, bad insomnia, severe depression. There is no reason about it. I stop benzos before 2 years. I feel that ma Gaba are recovered. But since then i did not stop trying different meds without feeling good. And after spendin time on BB and talking with other buddies i recognized that i will never go back to normal happy me with mind altering agents. And guess what after this conclussion my i suffer mentaly like someone in my life passed. This is what my addicted brain does to me. Day and night torture. My last drug was Seroquel for 4 months 100-25mg for insomnia. I am 7 weeks drug free. Will my brain adjust to being drug free? When i will learn to live without pill and calm down and take my life back and live happy life. Will my brain adjust to that?

 

It just takes time. Also try & find other things to do that can give u similar satisfaction. The difference with pills, or at least for me is that instant gratification. Now it comes in small doses over a long period of time. Trying to enjoy the process of things instead of the end result. I guess I’m just trying harder to enjoy journey more so than the destination. IMO, it just takes practice & patience

The brain is telling me you will not heal, you will stay like that foerver just take the pill and be normal again. The compulsion is unberable. I never read such a thing in the forum. Am i the biggest addict here? Want to calm this compulsion down. Is there any chanse SSRI to help me? Although i will push myself and go on without meds. But i hope this compulsion wont last long.

Am I the biggest addict?

Leslie, this is one of the best posts I have ever read on here:

 

Yes - you will adjust but it will taking active willingness.  It is the opposite of the willfulness that keeps you wanting that pill.  Willingness to find a new path to happiness that is drug free.  When you find out that you don't need mind alternating drugs to be happy then you will be FREE. So like Seltz says, distract but do it with purpose to find that path.  Once your behavior is changed then your beliefs and THEN your identity!

 

Active willingness . . . a great concept. So well put.

 

Katz

Thanks Katz! And I love emphasis on PROCESS rather than Product.  On that note; I am encouraging Yul to get rid of the remaining benzo pills if you are past the point of potential seizure.  I did not have the option of going back on Benzos after I used my past pill (in quarters) for my detox and it was dangerous but now that I am well on my way to healing - I am glad I didn't have any pills near me. I am sure I would have taken at least a rescue dose and possibly even gotten back on them.  So - like recommended; I also encourage you to get rid of all these pills if you are three weeks past jump and stay far away from alcohol.  Alcohol can cause a seizure during withdrawals too..

 

Hang in there - you are healing!!

The first thing I did when I "jumped" was to take my pills to our local courthouse which has a medication turn-in bin. Whooppee! Out of my life.

 

Good advice, Leslie.

 

Katz

 

 

Psychological dependence is killing me. I am anxious, restless, bad insomnia, severe depression. There is no reason about it. I stop benzos before 2 years. I feel that ma Gaba are recovered. But since then i did not stop trying different meds without feeling good. And after spendin time on BB and talking with other buddies i recognized that i will never go back to normal happy me with mind altering agents. And guess what after this conclussion my i suffer mentaly like someone in my life passed. This is what my addicted brain does to me. Day and night torture. My last drug was Seroquel for 4 months 100-25mg for insomnia. I am 7 weeks drug free. Will my brain adjust to being drug free? When i will learn to live without pill and calm down and take my life back and live happy life. Will my brain adjust to that?

 

If you are only 7 weeks free from all psycho-meds, you are now in withdrawal from seroquel I would assume. I tapered many many meds, - no taper without withdrawal. Besides this - your brain needs time to recover. After I had finished my last taper the craving like feelings did stop quickly. You wrote you tried different meds also, - this means your brain and CNS had to deal with a hole cocktail which should not be underestimated.

Congratulations you have achieved a lot - just give yourself the time now to recover without any med. That would be my personal advice. I know it first seems impossible but I hope you will feel as good as Iam today. Here comes  hug!

Really nice post, Marigold. Thanks for trying to help.

Yup - from time to time I come back to the post-withdrawal board and want to share some good news to the "newbies".. I have been given so much support here on bb the last 3 years.. time to give back..

Marigol1 you always give me such a hope. And are you the same person like before meds?

Marigol1 you always give me such a hope. And are you the same person like before meds?

 

You are welcome:.)

To answer you question.. when it comes to physical health I am not like I was pre-med. still bad fatigue and other stuff, some issues may last forever..

Mentally I am stronger than before, no depression, nor panic attacks, -

I am very aware of what I need and want in life, and I love myself plus my body really..

 

We always change and that’s good. Hoping to become a person you were years ago has always been nonsense to me. For this would only mean I did not develop or learn anything - and I love that

Marigol1 you always give me such a hope. And are you the same person like before meds?

 

You are welcome:.)

To answer you question.. when it comes to physical health I am not like I was pre-med. still bad fatigue and other stuff, some issues may last forever..

Mentally I am stronger than before, no depression, nor panic attacks, -

I am very aware of what I need and want in life, and I love myself plus my body really..

 

We always change and that’s good. Hoping to become a person you were years ago has always been nonsense to me. For this would only mean I did not develop or learn anything - and I love that

 

You are so right. The old me got me in this troubll i dont need my old fears. Just want to be happy again.

Marigol1 you always give me such a hope. And are you the same person like before meds?

 

You are welcome:.)

To answer you question.. when it comes to physical health I am not like I was pre-med. still bad fatigue and other stuff, some issues may last forever..

Mentally I am stronger than before, no depression, nor panic attacks, -

I am very aware of what I need and want in life, and I love myself plus my body really..

 

We always change and that’s good. Hoping to become a person you were years ago has always been nonsense to me. For this would only mean I did not develop or learn anything - and I love that

 

You are so right. The old me got me in this troubll i dont need my old fears. Just want to be happy again.

 

Withdrawal has taught me so many things.. like if you feel you are near to death you CAN make the best of each moment you have. Sounds so pathetic, I know. Words are just words. I have definitly become wiser. But also a fighter for my own needs. Seems I have become a little yoda.

Haha, just kidding.. for me loving myself in the worst years of my life was THE KEY. For everything. I thought if I only get 2-3 years before I die, man, than let ME get the best out of it..