Benzo free since Feb 23

37yo male here. I am a fairly short-term/low dose user. Quick breakdown of my history.. started taking Xanax (.25mg) 1-2 times a day in Feb 2018 and stopped CT in Sept 2018 (obviously knew nothing about quitting or tapering), held out until early Dec '18 (so about 3 months off) and was given a script for Klonopin (.5 mg) and took that 1-2x daily until late Jan of this year and did an extremely rapid taper and had my last dose of K-pin on Feb 23, so been off for 7 weeks. I didn't realize the damage I've done to myself, or that my taper should have been way longer until about 2 weeks ago when I was doing some googling and ended up on this forum and started to lurk.

So I need to decide if I want to keep fighting the good fight and stay off and wait this out, or get back on the train and begin a much much longer taper schedule. For now, I am functional (but just barely some days). I still go to work every day, still take care of my family (wife and 3 kids) although I hate how irritable I am with them most of the time right now, and I am legit terrified if this gets any worse before it gets better I will end up losing everything. For now, I think I can say that I feel better off the meds than I did on the meds (my joint pain has gone away, and the fatigue the K-pin caused was unbearable). But, I am still very much a wreck. Some things help me feel better at least temporarily.. like exercising (running/biking), watching TV (especially stuff I'm already familiar with), distracting myself with creative projects (like song writing or drawing), meditation (although when I'm in a really really dark spot mentally this can backfire), kundalini yoga (I read on a benzo withdrawal article that it can help rebalance your damaged central nervous system, and it turned out a yoga studio down the street from me has classes, so I tried it... it is very bizarre but it really does seem to help!)

Looking for advice on how I should proceed, LT users definitely are welcome to weigh in, but I'm also hoping to hear from people that are in a similar boat as me. I can offer a much much longer and descriptive run-down on what I am experiencing if that helps, and can answer any questions anybody has. Whichever path I choose I will be here for support, because it's looking like I have a long road ahead of me either way. I hope I can also offer encouragement to others. Fair warning, though... I've joined different forums for different things quite a few times in the past and never have seemed to be able to be consistent in participating, so we'll see how this goes.

Hello, Hearsaybenz — welcome to BenzoBuddies, and congratulations on being benzo-free!

It’s actually perfectly normal to feel wrecked when you’re only a few months off, and it sounds as though you’re doing all the right things to help your mind and body heal.

I'm glad that you decided to join the forum — you'll be able to connect with others who understand what you're going through. The following board may be a good place to begin posting your questions:

  Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

Please take a moment to Create a Signature — you can enter your pertinent drug and taper history in the box at the bottom. This will allow members to see where you are in the process, so that they can better support you.

Looking forward to seeing you on the forum!

Leslie 

The Ashton Manual provides information that can be useful during any stage of withdrawal and recovery, and includes a list of common symptoms with helpful explanations.

Not the ideal responder to your question, but you started a benzo for a reason, and if that is still an issue you need to look at solving it.

Very impressed with your coping regime as your good old gaba system heals in the bacground.

Hope family sympathetic and on board.

Good wishes for a better time for you

Dick

Thank you for the warm welcome and responses!

@Fortylongyears yes, I got on them because I was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety at the time. My wife was super sick (endometriosis) and work was very stressful. I now know looking back that those were just normal human emotions and I did not need the Xanax and would not have accepted them had I known the risk and the dangers. The joint pain, fatigue, derealization, fear, dread, etc didn't start up until after I started taking them. I would kill to go back to how I felt pre-benzo. Wife has since had a hysterectomy and healed, but work is still stressful (probably more so because my company just got acquired and I am currently in 'make a good first impression mode')... and it is damn near impossible to make a good first impression in my current state. Bad timing. I am hanging in there though!

Hello hearsaybenz,

I was cut off cold turkey from 2 mgs. Xanax per day for 23 years.  I could go back and do a long term taper but then I would eventually have to go through with the withdrawal again.  Furthermore I understand that the kindling effect kicks in as it does in alcohol withdrawal: every attempt to quit is worse than the last.  On the other hand, if it is a matter of losing your job if you don't go back on a low dose in my own case I would go back on the low dose.  You can be helped through benzo withdrawal but getting another good job or career is another story.  Good luck benz.  Here are my major withdrawal symptoms which I also posted below.

The worst problems I have experienced are:

1) Severe ataxia.  If you have ever competed in a triathalon my legs constantly feel like your legs feel when you make the transition from the cycling to the running stage.  In other words, like lead.  So severe stiffness of gait and numbness.  To what extent this is caused by alcohol abuse and to what extent by benzo withdrawal I cannot say, although I remember a brief period of sobriety back in November when I was still on the benzos and experiencing problems with leg coordination and muscle stiffness.  It is worse this time, but I was almost dead from alcohol poisoning when I checked into the hospital.  My BAC was .35 and I was typically far more intoxicated than I was upon intake.

2)  Horrible mini seizures.  My doctor call them "Myclonic Jerks" which most people experience on a minor scale when they are drifting off to sleep.  Except in my case it is like my whole body convulsing.  Last night after I posted was especially bad.  Strangely I have no problem drifting off to sleep but those mini seizures prevent me from getting there and they are very scary.

3)  An overall feeling of being battered and bruised.  If you have ever received a sharp blow to the nose, that's what my whole body feels like.  This is very subjective and I can't think of a better way of describing it.  I do get glimmers of what life will be like post withdrawal.  Wednesday of last week I felt better than I have in many years and got my first nine hours of non chemically induced sleep in about 23 years.  So in this regard, it's like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  Last night was like 2 steps back.  I have agoraphobia and I don't think I will make it out of my apartment today.

Like you I am still hanging in there one day at a time.

I would kill to go back to how I felt pre-benzo. Wife has since had a hysterectomy and healed, but work is still stressful (probably more so because my company just got acquired and I am currently in 'make a good first impression mode')... and it is damn near impossible to make a good first impression in my current state. Bad timing. I am hanging in there though!

Welcome hearsaybenz! 7 weeks is good time off the drug. I wish I was in your shoes. I would try to stay off if I could. I do know doing this can be incredibly hard, much easier said than done. I think all the time what you stated....if I could only go back to my pre-benzo state! I too would give anything to return to a time in the past pre-benzo.  The work stress can be a toughie. Meditation and exercise are two great ways to deal with it, altho those things can sometimes feel like they are not enough. I actually lost my job and had to go on disability. Luckily, I am single and have no children. I am glad to hear your wife is recovering well. Hang in there if you can and try not to reinstate. Only time and doing other natural healthy things for your mind and body can bring lasting healing w/o all the nasty side effects of addictive Rx drugs like benzos.

@[HM...]

@AntiBenzo I am also so terribly sorry to hear about your trials. I am so sorry that this sh*t costed you your job. After reading so many horrible stories on here, most of which are infinitely more painful that mine, I am seriously surprised that it is still legal to prescribe this stuff to new people. It is the devil. I am glad you are hanging in there and staying strong! Thank you for your encouragement... and keep on keepin' on! I will see ya around!

What are your main symptoms, hearsaybenz?

Anxiety, nausea, head pain (like somebody has kicked me repeatedly on the right side of my head), extreme neck pain, muscle cramping (mostly in legs), sciatica (although I'm not quite sure if this is from the WD or from driving in the car for 12 hrs two weeks ago.. but I've also never had it before), confusion/difficulty focusing, chest pain, fear and dread about the future, irritability, slight derealization (not like out of body or anything, but sometimes when I say things I feel like it's not me doing the talking).

I also have had clogged ears for months (again mostly on my right side), but not sure that's related since I haven't seen anyone else complain about that one. Anyone else experience this?

I can usually pull it together pretty well throughout the day, and most of these symptoms worsen in the evening and at night, and as a result I'm having some insomnia.

I think that's it. Thanks for asking, I am also going to post these on the post-withdrawal recovery board.

hearsaybenz,

In my own case at least a significant part of what is going on in my legs is the result of lumbar stenosis, or so says my doctor.  I don't trust doctors that much these days but I was having these leg problems when I detoxed from alcohol but was still on Xanax and/or Valium back in September, 2018.  My doctor ordered an MRI and lumbar stenosis was the diagnosis.

Perhaps in both of our cases part of what we are going through is the result of issues that are not connected with the benzos.  In my own case I have no doubt that my body and mind were seriously messed up as a result of severe alcoholism for example.

I am not pointing this out in order to dismiss your (or my) subjective experience of what is happening to us, but rather to suggest that going back on benzos - which is always an option - may not be the solution to all our problems.  I definitely want to tough it out if at all possible.  In my own case, the worst thing right now is the mini seizures that make it impossible for me to fall asleep.  Everything else I can handle, especially after waking up every day with a 1 Liter of vodka hangover.

Welcome...

Just wanted to quickly say Yes to the ear stuff.. Mainly my Left, it would pour out wax... Drove me nuts...!!