22 months off today

 Hi buddies,

 

Twenty two months off today.

 

The first year was very tough but manageable, the second one is more complicated, even if I can feel real and big improvements !

 

Maybe I am tired to fight every f.....g day and every f.....g night for so long.

I'm exhausted.

 

Most of the time, I do not feel like I am myself, I almost feel that all this anxiety makes me lose touch with reality and with who I am as a person.

 

My thoughts are totally irrational and seem to have a life of their own.

I have never felt such an altered perception in all my life.

 

Physical sufferings are constantly in motion, they come and go, leaving me broken and dazed when they disappear.

 

 I worry often that perhaps I have gone mad or that something is irrevocably broken deep inside me, or that I can definitely lose my mind.

 

Although I look healthy and stable on the outside for everybody, I am having much more difficulty managing what I feel and the way my thoughts interfere in my daily life...

 

I constantly ask myself the question:

"Who feels what deep inside me?"

 

It becomes incredibly overwhelming...

 

It looks like the mental is controlling everything and that I'm never totally myself...

 

My relationships with others are false, not as a lie but rather as an illusion that vanishes after a while...the sad reality comes back straight in the face.

It's like a desperate attempt to cling to the normality that aborts and sends you back to your prison.

 

 There are times when I am distracted in something or in a conversation or with someone and it makes me disconnect, I forget everything and I feel good.

It can last one minute, one hour, one day or even more.

 

But as soon as my mind is inactive or the physical pain comes back, the flow of anxious thoughts, strange emotions and feelings invade me and I feel completely lost and confused.

 

We are definitely not alone in our head when we are in a protracted withdrawal lol

 

 These terrible symptoms (psychical and physical) are not generated by external events but really by "inner one", as if one were possessed...

 

It's the weirdest and scariest thing I've ever experienced.

 

I also realize that those symptoms  are an impact on mental health...who am I today?

 

The altered perception and the state of permanent fear make the world look different, strange and often bad.

 

My mind has taken control and I am unable to find the way out of this crazy situation, prisoner, walled in in my own body...

 

All we can do is endure, ignore and distract ourselves.

 

That's all I can do anyway...

 

Don't lose faith, stay calm and strong !!

There is a end of this hell, I know it.

 

Love

 

 

 

This is basically how I feel, but I've only been off a year. I feel like a prisoner to this condition, and as it goes on and on, I get more and more down about the situation. I have no idea what I can do to help myself at this point, and that makes it all much more worse. You feel like it consumes your every thought and there's nothing you can do. Do you feel like you'll every recover?

Hang in there Braddis.  22 months is an accomplishment.  I am 27 months off and still in the thick of it but I feel better than I dd a few months ago.  You are an encouragement to many with your positive and uplifting posts.  Hang tough brother. You got this.

Congrats to you on reaching 22 months and so sorry you are still having a tough time. I am almost 2.5 years out and my symptoms have gotten so much milder. It's much more tolerable and easier to be patient on the journey toward complete healing. Hope it gets easier for you too...

Awesome ... 22 months off!  Congratulations!

 

You can do this.

 

 

Hi! It's amazing! twenty-two months of freedom! You are a great example for me! You will definitely be better! It's always very dark before dawn! The way God bless you!

Congratulation Braddis!

 

Congratulations on reaching this new milestone, congratulations in waving those 22 months good-bye, never having to endure them ever again. You have 22 months of healing under your belt, and that is something no one can take away from you. No matter how you feel today, your CNS is a long way away from what it was on day 1, month 2 or month 18. Every step is a step in the right direction, it has been so for 22 months, and it will keep being so until you feel much much much better.

 

Unfortunately, for some of us, healing takes a long time. Longer than we would have hoped for, longer than the 6-18 month time-frame we so often read about. But don't let that be a cause for doubt, your brain is working hard at this and will not give up. The torture will gradually (or less gradually perhaps!) ease up. The long stretches of time you are able to disconnect from this Hell and be in the present moment, connected to the person with whom you are talking with, are such a great proof of that already. You are getting there, little by little. 22 months, Braddis, that's a lot of healing-time. You've found the strength to go through those dark times, there is no doubt that you will be able to find the strength to get through to the other side - you are now stronger, you know the beast you're fighting - and you have gone through the worst. You're now moving towards the tail-end, and soon you will know you are walking back into the shining light. It's going to be ok, it's actually going to be amazing. So get ready for some good stuff in your life, for a nice change in quite some time.

 

You're a kickass warrior, Braddis! You should be proud of yourself. Someday you will realise what you have achieved... 

 

BTW, I'm right here with you at 22 months out, and still not doing well mentally. I'm still plagued with a lot of darkness and caught between the inability to do things because of anhedonia/emotional numbness/'depression' and the inability to not do anything because of the inner akathisia. I didn't know such torture existed. But just like you, after 22 months of this, I know relief is to come, and that will feel quite simply wonderful. I wish I only had 'depression' and could spend my day on the couch  ...this sh!t has you wish for some really weird things you would describe as 'relief'... but anyway, we are walking towards Life, connected to our selves, the others, and the whole world again. I can't wait!

 

BBs is ready for our Success Stories 

 

Congratulations again, dear Warrior Friend!

 

Hugs,

Julz

This is basically how I feel, but I've only been off a year. I feel like a prisoner to this condition, and as it goes on and on, I get more and more down about the situation. I have no idea what I can do to help myself at this point, and that makes it all much more worse. You feel like it consumes your every thought and there's nothing you can do. Do you feel like you'll every recover?

 

Hi Boomboxboy,

 

To my opinion, if it was irreparable damage, it will be the same stuff month after month.

However, from the start of this hell, I noticed improvements and big changes, even if  the changes were terrible.

For some reasons, recovery takes time for few buddies and me.

I think I will be really fine at 3 years off.

 

keep the faith, hope you  will recovery soon.

 

take care

Hang in there Braddis.  22 months is an accomplishment.  I am 27 months off and still in the thick of it but I feel better than I dd a few months ago.  You are an encouragement to many with your positive and uplifting posts.  Hang tough brother. You got this.

 

Hi Soulman,

 

Thanks you for your nice words of encouragement.

We both  belong to the famous protracted withdrawal club.

Honestly, this is something of an honour - but rather an unwelcome one and one with which I would rather have dispensed

 

Take care, there is something good in this foolish journey.

 

 

Hold on! There is a lot of useful experience in this journey! Your experience helps other people to recover!

Congrats to you on reaching 22 months and so sorry you are still having a tough time. I am almost 2.5 years out and my symptoms have gotten so much milder. It's much more tolerable and easier to be patient on the journey toward complete healing. Hope it gets easier for you too...

 

Hi !

 

I love your words Teegirl... " symptoms have gotten so much milder "...

My greatest wish  would  be  to have a smooth wake-up...sniff...

 

Hope you will recovery soon, stay strong.

 

 

Congratulation Braddis!

 

Congratulations on reaching this new milestone, congratulations in waving those 22 months good-bye, never having to endure them ever again. You have 22 months of healing under your belt, and that is something no one can take away from you. No matter how you feel today, your CNS is a long way away from what it was on day 1, month 2 or month 18. Every step is a step in the right direction, it has been so for 22 months, and it will keep being so until you feel much much much better.

 

Unfortunately, for some of us, healing takes a long time. Longer than we would have hoped for, longer than the 6-18 month time-frame we so often read about. But don't let that be a cause for doubt, your brain is working hard at this and will not give up. The torture will gradually (or less gradually perhaps!) ease up. The long stretches of time you are able to disconnect from this Hell and be in the present moment, connected to the person with whom you are talking with, are such a great proof of that already. You are getting there, little by little. 22 months, Braddis, that's a lot of healing-time. You've found the strength to go through those dark times, there is no doubt that you will be able to find the strength to get through to the other side - you are now stronger, you know the beast you're fighting - and you have gone through the worst. You're now moving towards the tail-end, and soon you will know you are walking back into the shining light. It's going to be ok, it's actually going to be amazing. So get ready for some good stuff in your life, for a nice change in quite some time.

 

You're a kickass warrior, Braddis! You should be proud of yourself. Someday you will realise what you have achieved... 

 

BTW, I'm right here with you at 22 months out, and still not doing well mentally. I'm still plagued with a lot of darkness and caught between the inability to do things because of anhedonia/emotional numbness/'depression' and the inability to not do anything because of the inner akathisia. I didn't know such torture existed. But just like you, after 22 months of this, I know relief is to come, and that will feel quite simply wonderful. I wish I only had 'depression' and could spend my day on the couch  ...this sh!t has you wish for some really weird things you would describe as 'relief'... but anyway, we are walking towards Life, connected to our selves, the others, and the whole world again. I can't wait!

 

BBs is ready for our Success Stories 

 

Congratulations again, dear Warrior Friend!

 

Hugs,

Julz

 

Hi Julz,

 

I'm so sorry for you, I know what it means, like many of  the Buddies...

I still struggling with  anhedonia/emotional numbness and physical pains. It sucks...

 

I cross my fingers that your hour of freedom is coming soon.

Hope you find some rest and comfort quickly.

 

You deserve it !!

 

love

Hold on! There is a lot of useful experience in this journey! Your experience helps other people to recover!

 

Thanks buddy,

 

I really appreciate your encouragements.

 

Take care and keep the faith in recovery

Hi Braddis, well written I can totally relate!  But it’s even more difficult to explain this condition to the outside world. One moment people see the real us, another moment we are back to bad. You have a great and positive attitude. I am currently 25 months off and some moments I experience clarity, but it’s definitely much worser than year 1. Based on all the success stories we will reach the magic finish line. I keep telling myselve this over and over again.  . So will you!

 

 

Congratulations on getting off these evil drugs, sorry your struggling so much- I hope continued success in your journey-  Take care & Hang in there!