Author Topic: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.  (Read 1880 times)

[Buddie]

I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« on: April 05, 2019, 05:21:00 am »
Hey Guys,
I posted on here back in August and Iím just going to paste what I posted and then add some stuff!

ď
I would first like to say, if someone would of just said to me, you are not going crazy, you will one day be back to yourself and to try really hard to realize your central nervous system has been flipped upside down and it will find its way back I probably would of felt a little more [...]. So there you go, I [...] that helps.

Secondly I would like to say that I was on klonopin 1mg (prescribed) for 3 years. I, like so many of us, abused my prescriptions and doctor shopped and would some days go 5 days without any, and then back to a good 25 days on the pills, anywhere from 1-15mg of some sort of benzo in my system. During those three years i used, klonopin, xannax, ativan and I'm sure others. But please don't stop reading there, just because addiction is apart of my story doesn't mean our healing process will be that much different.

I almost have tears running down my face right now because I remember being on the other side just wondering if and when it will ever get better. and it did. So whats my story, ill try to keep it short and sweet.

On february 19th 2017 i checked myself into a treatment center in Texas to get off of these horrible horrible pills. I had tried many times to cold turkey by myself or taper and I would literally feel like I was going to die. I would shake and faint and would feel like my eyes were going to pop out of my head, I eventually had seizures and had to be rushed to the hospital many times. Quick note!!! Doctors who don't prescribe these things, and some that even do prescribe them, have no idea what in the hell they are doing. I got sent home by the ER one time with a antibiotic and they said that withdraws were only 2 days and I would feel better soon. I ended up
having another seizure and got some benzos to hold me over.  Back to my story, so i went to a treatment center and they gave me a two day taper and took me off all benzos just like that. For the first 5-7 days i felt fine, somewhat weird the last two and then hell.

I went into a 2 week psychosis, i do not remember anything, i was on anti seizure meds for 2 months and other crap. I woke up out of whatever i was in and I had never felt so weird in my life. I thought i had died and woke up in hell. I was afraid of my own shadow, I was a college athlete ice hockey player who is slammed into the boards by 300lb men and I couldn't barely even talk i was so scared. I felt like the world around me was hell. literally.

I couldn't walk, read, write for about a month. I barely ate, i lost 30lbs. I wish i could say that it got better quick but it didn't. It started to get a tiny bit better around 60 days. I would have moments in the day where i felt like i could breathe and be myself. Then i would feel hell again. These are what i like to call the benzo waves. I got out of treatment at 90 days and still felt funky. These waves lasted for about 10 months. Every time they would get shorter and shorter, meaning i would be better longer than i was bad. Then around a year and 3 months in I started feeling good. I am a year and half in and I'm not going to lie, some days i feel like crap, i still have tiny waves, but they last no longer than a couple days and i finally know that when this happens i can relax and know it will pass!

What has helped me the most? Well for me its what i call God, i was super mad at God and i eventually formed a relationship with him and prayed and prayed a lot. During those months of hell there was nothing money could buy to help me so hearing someone say they would pray for me meant a ton.
Secondly the gym. The gym has and does save my ass. Some days i would go 3 times a day. I would work myself to exhaustion.
Third, eating healthy. I had put such toxic shit in my life for so many years that when i finally started putting in good things my body helped me out.
I went to therapy, and worked out problems in my life that caused anxiety which i could of never have faced alone.
I formed a community and got honest with people about what i was going through.
I started getting acupuncture and massages. This was key when i started having waves, it always always helped.
Lastly and probably the most important, i cut myself a break. I started to tell myself its okay, we can do this, I love you, all that kind of weird stuff that if i saw someone else doing a couple years ago i would of laughed. I reminded myself that i sent my central nervous system into complete and utter shock and its just going to take some time to heal. I slept a lot. I got back into playing hockey a lot. I got a job that i love, to occupy my time.

In all honesty, I'm not the best writer, so there are probably tons of errors up there but i don't care, i survived a horrible life changing benzo detox, i truly try to not sweat the small shit anymore. But I hadn't thought of this website for a long long long time, because when you start feeling better you stop thinking about it. It popped into my head several times the last couple of days and i thought ya know what maybe my testimony will help another person out. So if thats you, I just want you to know: 1) I'm praying for you 2) its going to get better, no you are not stuck like this, no you are not going crazy. 3) your body will heal, you need to just treat it right. 4) One day you two will look back at this and say, No I never will or want to do that again but I don't think there is literally ANYTHING life can throw at me now that i cannot handle. Ive dealt with death, missing people, illnesses all that sad stuff, doesn't even scrape the surface of what hell a benzo detox was. So i truly say to you good luck,  cut yourself a break, take care of yourself and hang on, it will get better i promise.

ď

I am at 2 years and 2 months off Benzoís and I can successfully say I am 100% back to myself and have not had a withdraw feelings in months. I was always so worried I would never get back to my baseline and that I would always be messed up, but itís not true and Iím just so happy!!!! Hang in there and message me if you want any help!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2019, 06:38:42 am »
Thank you for sharing. I needed this so much.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2019, 08:34:34 am »
Very many congratulations I am happy a lot! all the success stories are good for those of us who are still in recovery, you give us a lot of [...]. I just did 15 months off but I have a lot of pressure in my head and a lot of fatigue. how to say I [...] that with time I was cured I have so many nice things waiting for me :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2019, 12:45:42 pm »
Fantastic news, [...]! Congratulations on coming back from a bleak and brutal place. And thank you so much for coming back to share your story. What a lovely thing to do!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2019, 01:08:37 pm »


  Yes! Thank you for returning to this place to share your story no matter what the process looked like for you!! Now go enjoy life and never look back  :)
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2019, 03:01:44 pm »
Congratulations on your healing Hockey! Prayers for you!
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2019, 03:25:51 pm »
Thanks for sharing this. I'm a year off now and still struggling with many mental symptoms, including depression, anhedonia, anger, intrusive thoughts.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2019, 04:45:06 pm »
Thanks for sharing hockey, sounds like you suffered greatly. Them bennies are just simply poison ☠️ and they should never be prescribed over the counter. Emergency room use only for a one time use to pull someone out of a seizure, thatís it.
Sorry you suffered like that. Go and live the rest of your life now and enjoy yourself. 👍🏻
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2019, 05:17:59 pm »
Congratulations, what a lovely success story, you described my experience of cold turkey exactly.  So glad you are fully healed, go enjoy life :)
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: I am free. I am back to myself, you can too.
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2019, 08:17:59 pm »
Awesome story of recovery!  Congratulations.  These stories of success help so much, thank you for returning and writing it.

We are healing.

SS :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.