What kind of insomnia is this???

Hello all,

 

I'm back again after a very long time. As some of you longer-term members might recall, I'm a Benzo survivor.

 

The last 3-4 years have been great, and pretty much normal by all accounts.

 

My wife and I had our second son on March 1st, and for the last month, I've been sleeping with our 4 year old in a separate room from my wife so she can rest (he also has night terrors).

 

About 3 nights ago, I just couldn't sleep as our son was tossing and turning, so I want back to my old bed (sleeping alone).

 

I slept about 6 hours.

 

Then Monday night, I tried sleeping with our son. I fell asleep around 1am and woke less than 2 hours later. I couldn't fall back to sleep, so I went back to my room and lay there until 9:45! Finally fell asleep for a bit less than 2 hours.

 

My in-laws are here, so they're helping us out and it allows me to sleep in thankfully.

 

However, last night I went to bed at 11:30, and exactly 12 hours later, I'm laying here in bed and haven't slept one minute

 

I feel like I'm back in benzo recovery, and I'm terrified. I had hot soerls, and crawling skin, and tense muscles all night from the anxiety.

 

I feel like I'm doomed. Feel like something changed and I'm going to break down again.

 

I couldn't think of anywhere else I could  say this... So I'm here. Lost and scared once again

Hi 8damien8,

It is good to hear from you again, but I am sorry that it is a return of insomnia that brought you back. You are an old benzo warrior who might still be a little shell-shocked from your withdrawal experience which understandably might be causing you to jump at the sound of a car back-firing outside your window. Normal insomnia can happen, especially following major life changes, but this sort of insomnia can resolve itself much easier and faster than withdrawal insomnia. I experience three distinct periods of insomnia in my life before my withdrawal insomnia. Each went away on their own after a fairly short period, but felt horrible to me at the time. I now laugh at that when I compare them to what I just went through. The last normal insomnia period was on its way out when I decided to push it out faster by using z-drugs periodically. This of course resulted in my having to find BenzoBuddies many years later.

 

It sounds like trying to sleep with a tossing and turning 4 year old when you much rather be sleeping with your wife is not an unreasonable reason for insomnia. You are probably also letting your old sleep anxiety get out of control on you. Just remember the lessons that were hard learned and remind yourself that you were able to get through what was thrown at your earlier.

 

Congratulations on your new baby!

Thank you for your kind words. I actually sleep on my own now because I just felt it was easier and in all honesty my wife got so used to being on her own that she says she never wants to go back haha.

 

I think whenever I have difficulty sleeping I always connect it to my experience in 2014. I believe it is PTSD from my experience.

 

I'm going to try my best to not let the negative thoughts control my day today and hopefully tonight things will be better.

 

Maybe also the fact that my benzo withdrawal resulted in an overnight stay at the mental institution always is in the back of my mind. last night while I was tossing and turning I couldn't help but think that maybe I was going to end up there again

You won't end up there again unless you decide to. When I was at my worse I really thought that I needed to commit myself, but my wife reminded me just how much I would hate being in such a setting (while still feeling like crap). That logic was able to penetrate my messed up mind so I stopped having those thoughts.

FINALLY got a little sleep last night. Tried to go to bed with my son at 9:30, but my mind was way too busy.

 

Then went to relax with my wife a little, and attempted to go to bed on my own at 10:45. I did some slow wave sounds to calm me while doing breathing techniques. After an hour, I felt like I was nodding off, and then the anxiety hit me like a truck.

 

The idea that I might go another night sleepless started playing in my head again, and I started to get the crawling skin and sweating.

 

I put on another hour of theta waves, and tried to relax myself. After the hour, I roll over, and tried more breathing. At some point, I think I finally just turned off. I woke up at 3:45am, and felt good that I had slept, but bitter that I was up again. Thankfully I was able to nod off, and with a few minor wakes up, I slept until 9:30.

 

I guess this is the reason I ended up making that horrible decision to take Benzes, and I have to remind myself of that, so I never make that mistake again.

 

My father-in-law is with us right now, and he takes a benzo (z-drug) every night to sleep. I swear I was very close to asking him for one last night

Damien,

 

When you've been through benzo insomnia hell it's super hard to keep your perspective when you have a bout of insomnia. It takes you right back. I had that happen last week when I was sick, sleep dissolved, and I began getting fearful every night that it would be another bad night. The thoughts I have are: "It's back. My brain has forgotten how to sleep. I can't take it." So immediately I have to remind myself I have many mad skills for dealing with insomnia and that this phase will pass. The trick then, for me, is to kind of relax into it instead of reacting so much to the insomnia. I went back to some old things with meditation, stayed up reading later so sleep pressure would build, and after about a week I returned to baseline. I'm a health care provider and hear people all of the time talking about these bouts of insomnia so it happens to normies too.

 

MT

Thanks for taking the time to reply MT!

 

I agree with you completely, that you have to remind yourself that if you battle the great Benzo beast and prevailed, then the other battles are laughable.

 

I don't do well at all without sleep, which is what got me onto the drugs, and what made it so insanely hard to get off. But I have to have confidence in my own strength and believe that whatever it is, I will handle it. Being patient with yourself and your situation is tough, and in withdrawal I had to practice it a lot. Just have to remind myself how these mad skills work again

 

Hope you're doing well

8damien,

 

I think a lot of us got involved in the drug merry go round from the great quest for sleep. I've always seen myself as someone who doesn't do well without sleep, especially since I developed CFS many years ago. Honestly, I don't think most people do well without it but I've learned it's possible to stop freaking the heck out when sleep isn't great. Part of my problem is that I kept repeating, almost like a mantra, that "I have to get sleep" or something terrible will happen/I won't be able to function. Well, it can be pretty miserable when it happens but sometimes it's also just fine or mildly annoying. Brene Brown talks a lot about the stories we tell ourselves. I guess we benzo survivors need to watch those stories we're programming ourselves with and come up with new stories. This morning my cough woke me up early but I was able to just chill with a good book and let the "OMG I've gotta have more sleep" thoughts drift by. It wasn't too bad and I've still been able to exercise and get my work done.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

 

Another completely sleepless night

 

After my two terrible night on Monday and Tuesday, sleep went back to normal. Actually the last 3 nights were fantastic.

 

Yesterday afternoon I smoked a very small amount (like 5 puffs) of marijuana, but only CBD. Then at 9:30, I went out to play hockey. Stopped at my mom's on the way home, and then got in around 1:30am. Felt really tired, but I kept worrying that the marijuana may do something to my sleep (despite the fact I barely smoked any, and CBD is supposed to relax you). I was worried because last time I tried CBD, I missed a night of sleep.

 

Anyhow, once I got into bed, it started feeling like a bad night. The tiredness went away, and then I started feeling the blood rushing and the sweating.

 

I'm trying to accept it, but I'm also a bit worried about going through this again tonight

 

Not sure why out of the blue, I'm dealing with this insomnia

8D8,

 

Sometimes we never get the why. Seems like the CBD is a risk and it sure can be hard winding down after being out late. Our sensitive brains are infamous for overreacting. But sometimes, dude, it just happens and there's no sense making yourself crazy over it. It will pass, it will pass. Every time, it will pass.

8D8,

 

Sometimes we never get the why. Seems like the CBD is a risk and it sure can be hard winding down after being out late. Our sensitive brains are infamous for overreacting. But sometimes, dude, it just happens and there's no sense making yourself crazy over it. It will pass, it will pass. Every time, it will pass.

 

I wish I could believe that right now.

 

Last night went into bed to meditate around 11. At 3:30am I was still awake, and pushing 45 hours without sleep.

 

Gave up, chugged a bunch of alcohol that calmed the anxiety and distracted my brain, and finally turned off. Woke up less than 5 hours later, with the anxiety striking again.

 

The first time I did this fight, it was just me and my wife. Now I have two children. I feel like I can't do this. I feel like they're better without me

Just remember that chugging alcohol is very similar to popping a benzo since it plays upon some of the same brain receptors. Better to accept a sleepless night. Also, I found that meditating works better during the day and not at bedtime. It has a restorative effect that can take the edge off of sleepiness. When doing it at bedtime a part of your brain is aware that you are doing it in an attempt to sleep so you actually start to fixate on not sleeping. I always sleep much better while drifting off to a distracting daydream rather than emptying my mind.

Just remember that chugging alcohol is very similar to popping a benzo since it plays upon some of the same brain receptors. Better to accept a sleepless night. Also, I found that meditating works better during the day and not at bedtime. It has a restorative effect that can take the edge off of sleepiness. When doing it at bedtime a part of your brain is aware that you are doing it in an attempt to sleep so you actually start to fixate on not sleeping. I always sleep much better while drifting off to a distracting daydream rather than emptying my mind.

 

That's an interesting thought. I actually wondered about that last night.

 

I am out for a walk in the forest right now so I will take a pause and meditate.

Tried weed two nights ago, and I got some sleep, but last night when I tried it, it did nothing at all for me.

 

Really feel bummed about that, as I thought I found something to help me. Ended up drinking a lot of wine at 4am and didn't sleep even from that.

 

Feel like I'm running out of options and hope