29 months off and still in hell don’t understand this anymore and losing hope

Trigger warning ⚠️

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

I just don’t know what to do or think anymore 😥 I’m at a loss and at my breaking point with all of this! I’m 29 months off from a Benzo CT stuck on Zoloft at 82mg that I was put on in the hospital 29 months ago and I’m no better now than I was in the beginning if not worse! My brain is so fried and permanently damaged I’m having the same symptoms and even new and changing symptoms I was having in the beginning and I don’t understand this at all anymore! No improvement at all just absolute hell 24/7

 

The physical symptoms in my head the burning pulling binding ripping pressure and pain in my brain is unbearable and has been one of the most consistent and debilitating symptoms since the beginning the severe fatigue the akathisia crawling out of my own skin pacing the floor so bad and severe just nauseous and sick spend most of my time in bed can’t do anything or function at all and if I’m not in bed I’m pacing the floor in agony on the verge of just losing it!

 

The emotional symptoms are horrible and still very scary the DP/DR confusion dark intrusive thoughts just feel like I’m gonna have a psychotic breakdown and give up it’s so bad!

 

Recently the anxiety and air hunger has increased dramatically have had moments where o don’t know wether to cry or scream or just give up insomnia rocking back and forth on my bed it feels like I’ve never left acute and my brain hasn’t healed at all permanently chemically damaged and no end in sight!

 

I don’t know what to do the Benzo fried my brain and I didn’t want to be put back on another drug and I’ve even tried a few 1-2% drops on the Zoloft over the last 3 months and just seems to make thing worse and I don’t know what’s causing what anymore!

 

I’m just at a loss and so ready to give up 😥

My god, I'm so sorry to hear your suffering!

I'm in the same hell begging for God to take me everyday.

 

Benzo is a pure life sucker in the most unimaginable manner!

 

I tapered lexapro for 5 yrs it was hell but nothing to compare with most deadly valium.

 

I'm here for you in case you need an ear sometimes.

Thank you I just sent my mom this I don’t understand this anymore 😥

 

Trigger warning ⚠️.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Just sent my mom this at 3:35 am this cant be normal to be experiencing this level of hell 29 months off from my CT even with the Zoloft this is as bad as the beginning I haven’t healed at all it’s actually getting worse and I don’t know what to do or think anymore 😥 this is the way it was in the beginning and in and right after the hospital how can it be this bad 2 1/2 years later 😭

 

Momma momma momma I can’t do this anymore it’s getting so much worse the hell the torment the suffering and darkness it’s overwhelming and as bad as in the beginning of not worse! I’m literally rocking back and forth in my chair eyes rolling back in my head the physical torment in my brain the burning ripping pulling binding pain and pressure in my head is unbearable it’s worse now than it was this time last year momma I can’t do this pacing back and forth scared out of my mind and the evil dark horrible thoughts psychotic breakdown momma and kill myself! 29 months momma no improvement and it’s actually getting worse! Just deeper darker levels of hell no human being should ever have to go through and I have no idea what’s causing what anymore or what to do! The Benzo fried my brain and by Vanderbilt putting me back on another drug when it was already severely damaged signed my death warrant momma I don’t want to die but I can’t do this anymore I can’t breath I can’t think just in absolute hell with no end this is permanent brain 🧠 damage on top of being severely poly drugged momma I’m not gonna make I’m so close to giving up!!!!!!!!!!

Maize, are you ok?  Did your momma come around?

 

I am so sorry you are suffering so.  I understand the symptoms you describe, but not for the length of time you have so courageously endured. 

 

Maize, I hope your momma took you to inpatient where you can be safe.  Supported. 

 

I think it might be a good idea Maize. 

 

Dee

 

 

I’m still here in bad shape so so sick my mom prays for me all the time o don’t understand this anymore and the hospital is a no way they put me in this situation to begin with by CT me and putting me back on Zoloft 😥

We're all really worried about you Maize. Is there anything that helps distract you from these thoughts you've been getting in the meantime? Maybe try talking to us more. I've been following your story since when you were 3 months out as you know, and have been emotionally invested. I want you to get better. I want all of us to get better but you most of all because you've had it so hard. Just hang in there dude and survive until something gives. Maybe this is just a bad wave because you said things are changing. You are going to get better soon hopefully. A hospital would not give you benzos if you don't want them. I recently went to the hospital ER for a severe panic attack after eating too much beef jerky and experiencing high blood pressure and they didn't give me benzos because I said I had an allergy.

Hang in there maize. I was absolutely discouraged at 29 months as well. Now approaching 33 months it is much much better. U r not brain damaged. I know it is difficult but you must discontinue that type io language/thought process because it serves no purpose but to make things worse because we do have a part in creating our own reality by our thoughts and intents. Try to force yourself to cut down on the negativity regarless how difficult that may be. You are so close to a break through. Engrain that in your mind vs. engraining “it is worse then ever” in your mind. Be sure to watch UM kick some march madness ass to! #Go blue.

Don't give up, dear Maize. So many of us suffered just as badly and somehow made it through. At 29 months out I was still in the thick of both DP and DR plus  other symptoms. I look back and truly wonder how I kept on going. But I am so glad I did.

Please do not give up. Your time of healing will arrive and when it does, you will know that you read here was the truth.

My heart goes out to you, suffering as you are. I wish I cold make it better but I cannot. I can only offer you words of support.

If you ever need to, feel free to PM me. If things get TOO rough and you need a private ear, I would be glad to try to help you.

east (annie)

I pray for you in Russia. I feel your pain as if it were my own. This crisis must pass! May Almighty God bless you!

Prayers coming your way... Hang on it has to turn in your favor real soon !!!

Hi, I hope your doing better, after reading your post I felt like you might have "Poop-out" from your Antidepressant (A type of tolerance withdrawal) & if that's true, it could be giving you all these symptoms, I recommend Surviving Antidepressants.org- they're very knowledgeable & may be able to help to stabilize your symptoms, hang in there & take care-Laydefish

Sounds terrifying - the intrusive thoughts can be some of the most agonizing of symptoms because they are so convincing and deeply personal - can really do a number on you psychologically and emotionally. I'm at about 33 mo. and still a freaking nightmare as ever. Hope things even off for you as time passes.

Maize, I am so sorry you are suffering and I pray you feel better by now. Hang in there and you are going to make it. PM me any time you like regardless of what time it is.

 

PG

Hope you are doing better. Have you had basic blood test done and tested your aso strep titers? You could be struggling with something else that’s making withdraw worse