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That’s normal. My mind drifted every time even in my last few sessions. The way my therapist explained it is that there’s no wrong way to do EMDR. So if you find yourself drifting, it’s not a big deal.
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Thanks kits. She makes me sit in the park for an hr afterwards. I’m not allowed to think I have to witness things. Gosh that’s an impossible task I’ve always been an over thinker.

 

I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s mind does backflips when it’s spose to be concentrating x

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Hi everyone,

 

My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD yonks ago before Benzo’s.  I brushed the diagnosis off without thinking about it,

 

Through benzo w/d I’ve had things come up I thought I dealt with years ago and loop around & around in my head.  Things I was told as a child are coming back to haunt me. I’m trying to stay positive.. this morning is a bad morning - huge anxiety & impending doom. Amy help Is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks so much

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Bess can u take the day off today? Go and sit at the beach and just breathe and remember that this is going to pass xx

 

Oh I wish! I’m a complete mess. To take the sat off I have to organise other people to work for me - this takes a while & is more stressful than actually doing the work myself. I’m just starting out my say now. Praying like a fever any nun for nothing to go wrong today. Thanks so much Shayna.

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We love u Bessie x stay strong girl!

 

Thanks so much lovely. I’m getting completely barrelled by symptoms. Please please let this be the last ever wave. I’m losing my marbles.  I hope you’re well & doing ok. Xxx

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  • 7 months later...

Hey guys thought id share something with you that I believe just happened to me regarding ptsd. I have been extremely upset ever since this benzo stuff hit me in 2015. I knew how upset and angry i was back then but thought I had overcome a lot of that. Well it turns out not even close. I was constantly thinking how did this happen to me and feeling like I was gonna cry all the time.

 

I got in a huge fight with my family the other day and I got angrier than I ever have. To the point I was engaged and my heart was pounding so hard. After that I began to cry uncontrollably. The next day the same thing happened. Since then I feel as though Im a different person. The trauma has somehow left my body. I feel no anger and im not even sad. I even kind of feel happy. I still have lots of symptoms but its like ive conpletely accepted and gotten over the emotional distress of benzo wd.

 

I didn't even know i had ptsd from this, I just thought i was rightfully upset. Bottling up your emotions makes things so much worse. I dont know why but having a huge fight is what it took to release. Its been 6 years and the trauma disappeared in one day.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hey guys thought id share something with you that I believe just happened to me regarding ptsd. I have been extremely upset ever since this benzo stuff hit me in 2015. I knew how upset and angry i was back then but thought I had overcome a lot of that. Well it turns out not even close. I was constantly thinking how did this happen to me and feeling like I was gonna cry all the time.

 

I got in a huge fight with my family the other day and I got angrier than I ever have. To the point I was engaged and my heart was pounding so hard. After that I began to cry uncontrollably. The next day the same thing happened. Since then I feel as though Im a different person. The trauma has somehow left my body. I feel no anger and im not even sad. I even kind of feel happy. I still have lots of symptoms but its like ive conpletely accepted and gotten over the emotional distress of benzo wd.

 

I didn't even know i had ptsd from this, I just thought i was rightfully upset. Bottling up your emotions makes things so much worse. I dont know why but having a huge fight is what it took to release. Its been 6 years and the trauma disappeared in one day.

 

Wow!  That is so amazing!  How do you feel now? 

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I’m glad that big release helped u shamo xx when I get really angry it worries me how I feel like I’m spiraling. My head gets weird. But after I have a big cry I usually feel better x

 

So it definitely helps to get it all out xx

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  • 3 months later...
In 2019 I got "stuck" within a roller coaster of recurring emotions of childhood trauma: shame, a feeling of dread, hopelessness, helplessness, terror, all that yuck yelling at me over and over again. i was not on benzos. I was not taking anything. But that's why I started taking Clonazepam in the first place: to kill the cycle of panic and silence those painful memories. In my case, it was emotional abandonment. I was often led to believe that other people's bad behavior was my fault. So... I'd put all the blame on myself. It is strange because some years before that, I had thought I had gotten to a place in which I had forgiven my parents. I was much happier when I didn't try to understand them. "That's just the way they are," I'd say. "I'll never be able to change them or understand them so why even try?" I knew confronting them about how they treated me would be pointless. They'd likely twist things around and make me out to be the "bad guy". So... it was easier to just let them be. And for awhile I was happy. Whenever they'd do crazy stuff or even blame me for stuff that wasn't true I'd say "Whatever!" and laugh. So what happened in 2019 that stirred things up again? I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I have to relearn how to get to that place of forgiveness and contentment all over again. Also, I need to accept myself too, that other people's behavior is not my responsibility. I can only be responsible for my own actions and responses. If someone unexpectedly betrays me, I have to learn to respond in sorrow and let out the tears instead of responding in shame, anger, or any of these other responses that get me nowhere. When I allow myself to cry tears of sorrow and pain, i always feel better, but it doesn't always come natural. I have stuffed down my sorrow and pain and that's part of the problem, but that's what I've always done. I feel like I have to relearn that all over again. I am now off of Clonazepam and my emotions are heightened and now I am going through withdrawals plus a recurrence of PTSD. I am slowly getting better day by day but it's been rough.
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In 2019 I got "stuck" within a roller coaster of recurring emotions of childhood trauma: shame, a feeling of dread, hopelessness, helplessness, terror, all that yuck yelling at me over and over again. i was not on benzos. I was not taking anything. But that's why I started taking Clonazepam in the first place: to kill the cycle of panic and silence those painful memories. In my case, it was emotional abandonment. I was often led to believe that other people's bad behavior was my fault. So... I'd put all the blame on myself. It is strange because some years before that, I had thought I had gotten to a place in which I had forgiven my parents. I was much happier when I didn't try to understand them. "That's just the way they are," I'd say. "I'll never be able to change them or understand them so why even try?" I knew confronting them about how they treated me would be pointless. They'd likely twist things around and make me out to be the "bad guy". So... it was easier to just let them be. And for awhile I was happy. Whenever they'd do crazy stuff or even blame me for stuff that wasn't true I'd say "Whatever!" and laugh. So what happened in 2019 that stirred things up again? I'm not entirely sure. I feel like I have to relearn how to get to that place of forgiveness and contentment all over again. Also, I need to accept myself too, that other people's behavior is not my responsibility. I can only be responsible for my own actions and responses. If someone unexpectedly betrays me, I have to learn to respond in sorrow and let out the tears instead of responding in shame, anger, or any of these other responses that get me nowhere. When I allow myself to cry tears of sorrow and pain, i always feel better, but it doesn't always come natural. I have stuffed down my sorrow and pain and that's part of the problem, but that's what I've always done. I feel like I have to relearn that all over again. I am now off of Clonazepam and my emotions are heightened and now I am going through withdrawals plus a recurrence of PTSD. I am slowly getting better day by day but it's been rough.

 

This is like you have read my mind redeemed49. I get it.

 

I find that PTSD symptoms are very cyclical (like most things) whenever I am feeling vulnerable or have a lack of confidence, the old thoughts are back and it is hard to get back to that mental space of contentment that you speak of.

However hard it is, it is always worth the fight  :hug: and I will never give up or 'they' win.

 

edit - clarity

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  • 1 month later...

I think I am in the Complex trauma club. I grew up surrounded by narcissists and family secrets. Never knew the secret til my parents were gone way late in life. Basically I think I wasn't wanted, and got used and instrumentalized.

 

For complex folks did you ever hear of Sam Vaknin? He really wrote the book on narcissistic abuse.

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I think I am in the Complex trauma club. I grew up surrounded by narcissists and family secrets. Never knew the secret til my parents were gone way late in life. Basically I think I wasn't wanted, and got used and instrumentalized.

 

For complex folks did you ever hear of Sam Vaknin? He really wrote the book on narcissistic abuse.

 

Haven't heard of him, but I'm interested.

 

My mother was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder with borderline tendencies when I was middle aged. I think it set me up for my severe reaction to a big T trauma later in life.

 

Benzo withdrawal seemed to add another layer of trauma because of things that happened to me during the withdrawal.

 

I'm very interested in what kind of things are helpful for people.

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I think I am in the Complex trauma club. I grew up surrounded by narcissists and family secrets. Never knew the secret til my parents were gone way late in life. Basically I think I wasn't wanted, and got used and instrumentalized.

 

For complex folks did you ever hear of Sam Vaknin? He really wrote the book on narcissistic abuse.

 

Haven't heard of him, but I'm interested.

 

My mother was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder with borderline tendencies when I was middle aged. I think it set me up for my severe reaction to a big T trauma later in life.

 

Benzo withdrawal seemed to add another layer of trauma because of things that happened to me during the withdrawal.

 

I'm very interested in what kind of things are helpful for people.

 

 

I think I know a little about where you're coming from. The trauma leads to medication and then more trauma.

 

About Vaknin, he has a huge amount of videos on youtube. Incredible life story. His book came out in 1995 before most of the others and it comes from experience. He came up with many of the terms used in the scholarship. 

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So, I did a search Varkin and found him on youtube. He seems to be an aware narcissist? It is too painful for me to watch much.

 

I live 62 years with an unaware narcissist. She died on Monday. I was very aware of the pain she was in. Unfortunately, most of my family did not seem to understand. The understanding helped me know how to relate to her, but it did not give me back my childhood and it did not make me less hyper-vigilant.

 

Have you found anything that helps you?

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You have my deepest sympathy now, Gardner. It must be very painful. Some things do free up when someone like that passes on though. If this is all a week ago you have a lot of metabolizing to do. Be easy on yourself. I think you've already survived it.

 

Yes Vaknin has a lot of videos and it can be overwhelming. He's been at it for a decade or more. You can search for tags and key words on his page to narrow stuff down. His book from 1995 might be a good thing to read. it was an eye opener for me on almost every other page. 

 

Maybe also try to exercise if possible. Take good care and check in.

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You have my deepest sympathy now, Gardner. It must be very painful. Some things do free up when someone like that passes on though. If this is all a week ago you have a lot of metabolizing to do. Be easy on yourself. I think you've already survived it.

 

Yes Vaknin has a lot of videos and it can be overwhelming. He's been at it for a decade or more. You can search for tags and key words on his page to narrow stuff down. His book from 1995 might be a good thing to read. it was an eye opener for me on almost every other page. 

 

Maybe also try to exercise if possible. Take good care and check in.

 

Thanks, drad. Even though she was my narcissistic abuser, she was still my mother. But it was not a bad thing that she chose to move to Arizona to be near other family after my father passed.

 

I'm not sure I want to read Valkin. It sounds like it could be an emotional raking over the coals. :(

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