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chipmunk - don't ever lose hope....believe in yourself and the healing process.  I know it's hard to do when things seem the most dismal.  :smitten:

 

Thank you everyone posting here and starting this thread.  So informative.  And comforting to know we're not alone in this part of the recovery process.

 

Like you said, Annie - how many people and situations keep coming around that are like the original abuse.  Sometimes I feel like a giant strip of fly paper for the same situations over and over!  It's good to be more aware now.

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chipmunk - don't ever lose hope....believe in yourself and the healing process.  I know it's hard to do when things seem the most dismal.  :smitten:

 

Thank you everyone posting here and starting this thread.  So informative.  And comforting to know where not alone in this part of the recovery process.

 

Like you said, Annie - how many people and situations keep coming around that are like the original abuse.  Sometimes I feel like a giant strip of fly paper for the same situations over and over!  It's good to be more aware now.

 

Thank you, I just had a moment, after a super day; so thank you.

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[b9...]

“THE ORDINARY RESPONSE TO ATROCITIES is to banish them from consciousness. Certain violations of the social compact are too terrible to utter aloud: this is the meaning of the word unspeakable.

Atrocities, however, refuse to be buried. Equally as powerful as the desire to deny atrocities is the conviction that denial does not work. Folk wisdom is filled with ghosts who refuse to rest in their graves until their stories are told. Murder will out. Remembering and telling the truth about terrible events are prerequisites both for the restoration of the social order and for the healing of individual victims.”

 

Excerpt From

Trauma and Recovery

Judith L. Herman

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/trauma-and-recovery/id1209975997?mt=11

This material may be protected by copyright.

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WELCHIE -  trying, trying so hard.... :hug:

 

NMSAFE -  :hug:

 

your last post sums me up -- rather -- a 'me too' thing in fact.... + my 'truth will out' ....

 

horrific to open old wounds + re-live..... but i refuse to let family members who harassed, bullied + abused me -- go to their grave -- or me to my grave -- w/out 'my truth'  -- told to remaining family.

 

they also bullied, abused + neglected my late mother while she was dying.... they brainwashed + told atrocious lies to other family about her.... i owe it to my late mom's legacy to tell 'her truth'. 

 

desperate to do this now.... weighs so heavy on my mind daily ..... but just can't cope w/ kindled tapering + w/d complications.... let alone all the above ....  :(

 

yet somehow feel it is eating away at me + maybe a 'prerequisite' for my ability to taper... + hopefully, heal.

 

trying to apply for disability atm -- so overwhelmed.

 

i hope + pray things will fall into place soon.

 

thanks again to all for reading + trying to support .... kind souls all of you x

 

PS:

MON PILOTE - i cling to your TD quotes

 

 

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chipmunk big (( HUG )) :smitten:

 

Silly as it may sound: what is TD? I cannot figure it out. 🧡🌿

 

Here is to your healing!

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Hello all.  :)  :smitten:

 

 

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/ptsd/ptsd-dsm-5-understanding-changes

 

 

You may already know this, but just in case, I thought I’d share. I’ve been following the evolution of the PTSD diagnosis for a few years now.  The current DSM hints at the upcoming creation of a coded diagnosis of C-PTSD. For now it’s not under PTSD but has to be coded under the greater umbrella of the trauma and stress related disorders. This would be a step forward to create it as part of PTSD. However, clinicians need to make the paradigm shift. That’s the key. Some already did awhile ago but the majority haven’t. At least it’s symptom profile can be under the same umbrella and not in other places of the DSM.

 

 

Annie

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MON PILOTE :smitten:

 

SO SORRY!! oh no, my mistake - space cadet in agony i am....

 

meant WHOOPSIE's *TR's* quotes...  :-[

 

peace + healing to you too, dear buddie x

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MON PILOTE :smitten:

 

SO SORRY!! oh no, my mistake - space cadet in agony i am....

 

meant WHOOPSIE's *TR's* quotes...  :-[

 

peace + healing to you too, dear buddie x

 

Peace and Healing :)

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Alright, I am trying really hard to just allow my feelings to be.  It is very hard.  I am not doing really great with this.  I want to be able to pinpoint this all on one incident, and think about it for a few days, have a good cry, and move on.  This is not how it's working out though.   

 

Also, how am I supposed to know what is a trigger, or what is just something from benzo withdrawal?  Or is it maybe, just all mixed up right now? 

 

Thanks for sharing your books, Whoopsie and NMSafe.  I'm trying to pick out a book on this to read. I was looking at, "The Body Keeps the Score" but I was reading the reviews and it warns that it doesn't help you deal with your PTSD, it just defines it and lets you know what symptoms are normal.  I would really like some way to work through this. 

 

Chipmunk- I really feel for you.  I think you are right to want to tell your mother's truth, as well as your own. 

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Hmm...my post looks like it was inserted BEFORE these other posts that were already here....that's odd. 

 

Nevermind.  I was just reading the forum posts from bottom to top, instead of top to bottom for a minute there. 

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[b9...]

WELCHIE -  trying, trying so hard.... :hug:

 

NMSAFE -  :hug:

 

your last post sums me up -- rather -- a 'me too' thing in fact.... + my 'truth will out' ....

 

horrific to open old wounds + re-live..... but i refuse to let family members who harassed, bullied + abused me -- go to their grave -- or me to my grave -- w/out 'my truth'  -- told to remaining family.

 

they also bullied, abused + neglected my late mother while she was dying.... they brainwashed + told atrocious lies to other family about her.... i owe it to my late mom's legacy to tell 'her truth'. 

 

desperate to do this now.... weighs so heavy on my mind daily ..... but just can't cope w/ kindled tapering + w/d complications.... let alone all the above ....  :(

 

yet somehow feel it is eating away at me + maybe a 'prerequisite' for my ability to taper... + hopefully, heal.

 

trying to apply for disability atm -- so overwhelmed.

 

i hope + pray things will fall into place soon.

 

thanks again to all for reading + trying to support .... kind souls all of you x

 

PS:

MON PILOTE - i cling to your TD quotes

 

♥️ Yes.

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Alright, I am trying really hard to just allow my feelings to be.  It is very hard.  I am not doing really great with this.  I want to be able to pinpoint this all on one incident, and think about it for a few days, have a good cry, and move on.  This is not how it's working out though.   

 

Also, how am I supposed to know what is a trigger, or what is just something from benzo withdrawal?  Or is it maybe, just all mixed up right now? 

 

Thanks for sharing your books, Whoopsie and NMSafe.  I'm trying to pick out a book on this to read. I was looking at, "The Body Keeps the Score" but I was reading the reviews and it warns that it doesn't help you deal with your PTSD, it just defines it and lets you know what symptoms are normal.  I would really like some way to work through this. 

 

Chipmunk- I really feel for you.  I think you are right to want to tell your mother's truth, as well as your own.

 

If you're new at this like I am, feeling feelings that is, it's going to take some time to know what is what as far as your triggers.  If you just pay attention to your feelings and journal them, you will gradually get acquainted with yourself and your patterns.  I know I'm triggered into an emotional flashback from childhood stuff when I feel small and helpless and I seem to have lost touch with my adult self and ability to think clearly.

 

I know I'm in an emotional flashback about the w/d trauma whenever I go to anger, upset or shame when I talk to someone who doesn't know about the drugs or my story, usually an authority figure like a doctor or a therapist or anyone really and they have that look ... I feel it coming on just trying to type the explanation about it here.  :tickedoff:  This is the trauma that I want to resolve because I can't speak clearly on the issue or be adult when I get thrown into too much emotion on the issue.  Okay, I need to take a break.  That is how quick I get set off.  Sorry.

 

Chipmunk and everyone posting here ... big hugs  :smitten:

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[b9...]

Alright, I am trying really hard to just allow my feelings to be.  It is very hard.  I am not doing really great with this.  I want to be able to pinpoint this all on one incident, and think about it for a few days, have a good cry, and move on.  This is not how it's working out though.   

 

Also, how am I supposed to know what is a trigger, or what is just something from benzo withdrawal?  Or is it maybe, just all mixed up right now? 

 

Thanks for sharing your books, Whoopsie and NMSafe.  I'm trying to pick out a book on this to read. I was looking at, "The Body Keeps the Score" but I was reading the reviews and it warns that it doesn't help you deal with your PTSD, it just defines it and lets you know what symptoms are normal.  I would really like some way to work through this. 

 

Chipmunk- I really feel for you.  I think you are right to want to tell your mother's truth, as well as your own.

 

If you're new at this like I am, feeling feelings that is, it's going to take some time to know what is what as far as your triggers.  If you just pay attention to your feelings and journal them, you will gradually get acquainted with yourself and your patterns.  I know I'm triggered into an emotional flashback from childhood stuff when I feel small and helpless and I seem to have lost touch with my adult self and ability to think clearly.

 

I know I'm in an emotional flashback about the w/d trauma whenever I go to anger, upset or shame when I talk to someone who doesn't know about the drugs or my story, usually an authority figure like a doctor or a therapist or anyone really and they have that look ... I feel it coming on just trying to type the explanation about it here.  :tickedoff:  This is the trauma that I want to resolve because I can't speak clearly on the issue or be adult when I get thrown into too much emotion on the issue.  Okay, I need to take a break.  That is how quick I get set off.  Sorry.

 

Chipmunk and everyone posting here ... big hugs  :smitten:

 

Hugs to you. ♥️

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Nice post Whoopsie and how true!  I found journaling to be tremendously helpful in so many ways and on so many levels...identifying triggers, working through what's behind them, etc.  It helped me clarify and own my truth as I worked through some stuff and helped me deal with similar triggers in the future.

 

:smitten: to you again chip...

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Hey Whoopsie,  Thanks so much for talking about this.  I'm so sorry you got triggered.

 

I found this website that had a list of things or mantras to say to ourselves.  The woman's name is Louise Hay and I really like her mantras.  Here are a few of them:

 

I feel safe with those who are like me and those who are different from me.

 

For me, peace of mind and loving myself is the most important state I can experience.

 

By changing my thoughts, I now create peace in my world.

 

Peace replaces fear, terror is replaced by tranquility, scariness becomes serenity, uncertainty becomes confidence.

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GC, Welchie, Whoopsie, NMS, MP, Rabbit :angel:

 

thank you so much for all your kindess + support + understanding dear buddies big  :hug: to you all...

 

Whoopsie : so sorry -- fully empathize -- exactly how i feel -- small + helpless....

 

2.5 yrs now + i cry every time when trying to speak to Docs, sonographers, social services, Pain clinic, Physios.... everyone.... i just can't control it.... my anger turns to tears instantly.

 

Welchie + GC : thank you again -- had just started making notes for the 'my truth' letter i was going to write...... when i really hit Tolerance about 1 year ago.... it really pushed me over the edge... + I had to stop  >:(

 

tho i was determined.... even went to a counselor / hypnotist / acupuncturist -- who was ... somewhat helpful.

 

so she was the 1st person / 'official'  -- i ever told my story to, besides those close to me ..... + at least she validated my story + called it what it was, ie, abuse, trauma, etc.

 

but the hypnosis didn't help + she made a recording of our 1st session + promised another 1 tailored my story -- but then just dropped me like a hot potato..... no idea why..... felt so abandoned  :-\

 

sorry all -- i think i need to stop here too.... just thinking how far ahead i was exactly 1 year ago.... i'd made a special wish about all this...... was still at my old dose..... still semi-functional...... before going to clueless GP + dosing damage + disability hell began downward spiral  :'(

 

:smitten: + healing to you all dear friends + may we find peace sooner than later x 

 

PS: the mantras are v helpful, TY

 

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  Just like I became hugely allergic to some food and some cosmetics, I became hugely 'allergic' to certain people  :)  and situations and have learned to protect myself while going through the healing process.

 

 

 

Wow - this sounds so familiar.  For the longest time I thought it was just me being allergic to everything - even my clothes.  Its amazing how Xanax and Ativan can mess you up so bad! 

 

Bless us all!!

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chipmunk

 

I *am* your mother.  Not on my deathbed quite yet, but wow.  My "story" has been garbled by my loving family but I don't believe my truth will ever see the light of day.

 

Trying to make peace with that.

 

Yeah

following

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cookie

 

i'm so sorry to hear this :(    i truly hope you find that peace, or a way to make your truth heard  :hug:

 

make peace -- that's one path i was told to try -- rather than open old wounds. whatever you feel is best for you + what you can cope with. 

 

i'm pretty damn sure i cannot cope w/ this now.... i was in a better place yrs ago, pre-benzo -- to do this -- but still felt too vulnerable. big mistake.

 

so it's like my brain keeps forcing it, over a year now. maybe it's w/d -- looping, obsessing, life review, etc...?

 

so after your post... i didn't sleep... my mind raced + tried to compose my 'letter of truth' ....all night long, re-living it.... making me ever tenser as i lay there. i kept trying to shut myself up + sleep. but no.

 

+ all day today... driving me nuts... but still feel the need to do this... like the need to get off this poison.

 

but just too tired to recall + make notes today. how ironic. yet i try to post this...

 

the thing is.... my mom had a sharp tongue + not afraid to use it... but the stroke that finally got her, in her final week -- she could not speak.... + 1 side was paralyzed.

 

+ the offending family decided to re-appear + were there everyday -- b/c i called them out of sheer desperation as i didn't know if my mom ever wanted to see them again or not.... before she passed -- as she could not tell me.... so i had to make that tough decision. 

 

tho 1 day, just after i arrived -- she got so angry at that person that she managed to say 1 word -- she shouted out a mumbled 'NO!' + slapped that person's hand....

 

+ i felt so bad, b/c i thought -- !@#$ -- this nasty person probably sits there everyday before i arrive + likely so thrilled to brutally goad, bully + upset my mom.... + my mom cannot respond....  s/times wish i never called them, it haunts me.

 

so i feel this obsessive urge to respond for my mom, even after many yrs now. guess it's w/d, or the PTSD... i need to seek help for this, i know... + my own story too, is intertwined.

 

sorry to ramble  :-[   

 

.... maybe you've been thru this stage of obsessing, or are just stronger than me + finally accept + can try to make peace w/yourself.

 

i wish you peace + healing whichever way you go  x

 

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I admire you sticking up for your mom.

 

Man, do I know about those letter compositions *all night long*.

 

For me, I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter what I say or do.  They can't hear me, as it messes with their OWN version of history.  (the one where they're blameless)

 

Pretty sure my treatment by my beloved adult children would be better if I had something to leave them when I croak.

 

Have any of you read "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel Van de Kolk?  Just returned it to the library, and while I normally cringe when "brain scans" and neurochemical explanations are mentioned, on the whole, I found it to be helpful.

 

I'm nowhere near "healed" and here it is, 5 years, 2 months and 3 weeks later, and while I do experience good, long windows I've been in a wave since last November.

 

Thank you for the support...one day you will feel stronger, or will get fed up, and be able to move on to the next adventure.  One with love and acceptance.  :smitten:

 

 

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