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Anyone who thinks they have PTSD can come here and talk about it.  I often thought I had PTSD during my taper, only to be confirmed by a psychologist, that I am indeed suffering PTSD.  I don't have any one traumatic thing that has happened to me that I can remember.  My therapist says it is from withdrawal and maybe something else, she isn't sure.  I feel very very triggered by little things. 

 

Who else has this or thinks they might? 

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I have it, both from the w/d experience and childhood trauma as well.  I recommend a book by Pete Walker called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

 

I was triggered into feelings of rage today when talking to a counselor about the drugs.  I really want to get over this so bad.  I don’t know how it’s going to happen when I’m unable to talk to people who really get it because they’ve lived it.  The invalidation is the hardest part and the fact that it’s socially acceptable that a large part of the population is drugged is unacceptable to me.  Getting mad again just talking about it.  It’s a good idea to discuss this aspect of w/d.  Thank you for the group.

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Hi Whoopsie.  I actually wonder if I also have trauma from my childhood and just have never processed it.  I can recall many times people asking me "what happened to you?"  and I thought it was my anxiety, but I was in tolerance withdrawal for ages, so I am not really sure.  My startle reaction is RIDICULOUS.  For my whole adult life, I have screamed or jumped when someone just enters a room when I am not expecting them.  I have also been on benzos for my whole adult life. 

 

I really had hoped this stuff was going to get so much better after I finished my taper, but now it looks like I also have to heal from this PTSD, and I have no idea how long that will take and how much I actively have to do. 

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Hi GreenCup ... I relate to the exaggerated startle response you spoke of, I’ve had the same since forever.  I am really pleased to be working thru my childhood trauma triggers.  What I have discovered is that I don’t have to know what happened to me, all I have to do is allow the repressed feelings to surface and just be there with them as they come out.  Life is providing the triggers, I don’t have to seek them out.  The best one was being bullied here on BB, it brought up the old repressed feelings when I was treated that way as a child.  It’s all working perfectly, I just have to be present and aware.  I am convinced that I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar and drugged when the real issue is CPTSD.  On the drugs I was unable to feel or process my triggers in a healthy healing manner.  I am embracing that now is my chance to reclaim my authentic self in this recovery process.  For me, coming off the drugs was simply the first step towards my goal of being an empowered, whole and free individual.  I’m doing it and will not stop or be derailed from my chosen path.  I’m happy to be in this place I am now at and be able to give and receive the support of others that want to go the entire distance to wellness in every aspect of self, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  :)
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I'm in the middle of reading Peter Walker's book too.  It's a very good read.  I think I'm dealing with a combo of chemically induced PTSD from the benzos creating a hyper sensitive nervous system, from the benzo experience itself and CPTSD from prior that was reawakened...if that's possible.

 

I'm hoping everything will calm down in the coming months...but I've always been a little CNS sensitive side my whole life - to sounds for instance, just to name one.  I'm a worrier too by nature.  This experience is teaching me to let go and relax more in order to get through it.  So I'm also hoping this is a mixed blessing, maybe, in the long run.

 

 

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I wanted to reply so I can join in later.

 

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and it’s in my medical record. I kind of wish it wasn’t but it did give me a sense of validation. I have a couple of events in my life that would cause PTSD but my diagnosis came from one. Of course, I was diagnosed long after and when my symptoms weren’t as severe as they were before.

 

My symptoms wax and wane with triggers but hypervigilance and an exaggerated startle response are always there to some degree.

 

Annie

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chemically induced PTSD from the benzos creating a hyper sensitive nervous system

 

Didn't have a "hyper sensitive nervous system"  before benzos.

 

How could ANYONE go through this experience, survive to tell about it, and not be left with some

form of PTSD?  This experience has turned my life upside down and inside out. This shouldn't have

happened to me.... shouldn't have happened to anyone of us. 

 

When this is all said and done, I won't be having someone with "MD" or "PSY" after their name telling me it was my "underlying disorder" that has left me in this condition.

 

  The invalidation is the hardest part and the fact that it’s socially acceptable that a large part of the population is drugged is unacceptable to me.  .

 

EXACTLY!

 

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thank you for this space + for sharing similar stories of suffering.

 

deeply resonating.

 

never Dx'd -- b/c never sought help -- pre-benzo...

 

but many lifelong traumas led to benzos.... just bit my lip my whole life.

 

now obsessed w/ 'having my say' to those who hurt me ... but can't while trying to taper....

 

so desperate to get it off my chest now -- in hope that it will help me heal... b/c traumas led to benzos....

 

but instead, it just triggers more sxs + PTSD.

 

so stuck in a vicious cycle atm.

 

yes -- trying to taper causing PTSD -- b/c Docs messed up so bad has disabled me.

 

cannot even distract w/ thoughts of happy memories or future happiness -- b/c both make me sad about how healthy i was -- and how disabled i've become.... + yet to taper after so many failed attempts.

 

thank you for reading x

 

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chip - I know exactly what you mean about needing to have your say...

 

I went through a very long period - while still on the klon - of being haunted by memories and feeling if I did say something it would come out all dark and twisted.  But still feeling the need to say it.  Just like I became hugely allergic to some food and some cosmetics, I became hugely 'allergic' to certain people  :)  and situations and have learned to protect myself while going through the healing process.

 

Lots of journaling helped.  And I realized the only thing that mattered is that me, myself and I hear and respect those feelings.  Some typical life situations I know I'll be better at dealing with as time rolls along and my CNS gets patched back to health.  But the blessing is I see clearly that some things will be always be best avoided.

 

I'm assuming at some point post benzos I will no longer be afraid of daylight, nighttime and tying my shoelaces  :)  but a lot of good lifelong lessons have been learned.  Like I'm worth taking care of and protecting.  That alone is helping my CNS, my psyche and soul heal...that I know I am there for myself now.

 

Blessings on your journey to true wholeness everyone.....

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For me, there may always be some physiological response to PTSD no matter how much I heal from a psychological perspective. Maybe not. I’m thinking this is more subtle and insidious in complicated PTSD.

 

When I was recovering from an acute phase of PTSD, and still living and breathing it, I remember driving with my sister in the car. It was a semi-heated conversation we were having and I was at a left turn signal. When the signal turned green, I turned and the sunlight changed rapidly...I threw up my right hand quickly to avoid a perceived blow (in my mind of course but to my body it might as well have been an impending blow). That really drove home my state of mind and body at the time...neurologically sensitized in a perpetual trauma response. I’m exponentially improved but that trickster still crops up. For years, I have been discovering environmental triggers, no matter how tiny. The more I have discovered, the greater I appreciate the primitive brain’s strength and from that the “spirit’s” strength for lack of a better word at the moment.

 

So for children, who are still in the process of development, the true understanding of the trauma isn’t always present and the trauma’s imprint on the brain greater. Personality, behaviors, interpersonal and intrapersonal dynamics affected...self care, low self esteem, seeking not what is best for us but what our trauma brain knows, turning to situations or people that are like the initial situation or person(s) because our brain may be telling us that’s what we deserve. Then poof...we break through that imprint just a little and the facade cracks or the floodgates open. Do we choose to drown it out, pretend it’s not there or look at it and sit with it? It’s hard for me to put it all into words right now. Maybe that’s the benzo brain or maybe I’m not yet ready to shed another little piece of it now. Every day I grow a little more. These past few months, there’s been a lot of growth. It’s kinda crazy but it’s positive.

 

Annie

 

 

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I remember sitting with my husband about a month ago and he was under the assumption that I may once again care if he threatened to leave me. I actually think he knew I changed and wanted to see if I had. He pulled that silly veiled threat again and I looked him in the eyes and I told him I didn’t care. I told him if he wants to leave, to go ahead and then I very truthfully said to him without any knowledge I was going to say it that I didn’t care anymore because “I don’t hate myself anymore.” It felt right. It was my truth.  :)
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Welcome everyone!  It's so nice to have a place to talk about this.  I often wonder if any type of anxiety could be linked to some sort of trauma that happened to someone in their lives.  I am kind of driving myself nuts trying to figure out what incident, if any, actually caused my PTSD.  I feel like if I could just pinpoint it, then I could start getting better quicker.  I can remember feeling paranoid of people being out to get me, just because I went on benzos.  Does anyone know if being paranoid, suspicious and thinking people are out to get you is part of PTSD? 
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YES Annie!!  Way to go!!  Like mon pilote, can relate totally to both posts.  Feels good, doesn't it, to come home...
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I was reading this list of common symptoms and it does include distrust of others.  This gives me hope.  https://themighty.com/2019/03/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd/

 

I haven’t felt I fit into the PTSD experience so much from anything in my childhood or adolescence but I relate to everything in this article - EVERYTHING.  I had been living in benzo hell for years and it took a huge toll. I don’t have the classical “flashbacks” per se but “what-ifs” and “emotional flashbacks” can send me spiraling. Everything else is spot on.

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WELCHIE [et al]

 

thanks so much for your kind + thoughtful advice.... v grateful for your care + concern.

 

in a very dark place right now -- struggling w/ 3rd failed Ashton c/o... feels like a double c/t..... the latest in a huge catalogue of errors.

 

back to square 1.... more setbacks = more disability.

 

re-living the repeating failures to get off these benzos has got me at the end of my rope.

 

this has become chronic PTSD in desperately trying to taper but not totally lose mobility.

 

it just keeps getting worse -- physical sxs snowballing for months + untreated due to effects of meds + immobility combined... so i fear i will never heal physically, like joints, tendons, etc. 

 

tried osteopathy months ago -- barely coped + it just made things worse / rebound. 

 

sorry to sound so down.... maybe i'm in the wrong place here.... just losing hope :(

 

many thanks to anyone reading this anyway, otherwise feel as if crying out in a void x

 

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Does anyone know if being paranoid, suspicious and thinking people are out to get you is part of PTSD?

 

My understanding of CPTSD from reading Pete Walkers book is that when triggered we go into flight, fight, freeze or fawn or a combination of any of those.  The paranoid, suspiciousness of others sounds like flight?  I hope this little tidbit of information helps you understand your condition a little better.

 

I was reading this list of common symptoms and it does include distrust of others.  This gives me hope.  https://themighty.com/2019/03/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd/

 

 

I'm keeping this link bookmarked.  Thank you.  :thumbsup:

 

I was triggered yesterday by a man's lashing out at someone near me, coming from his own state of insecurity and paranoia. This threw me back to childhood because my Dad was like this.  Accusing people of being horrible towards him but really they just made  a mistake and it was totally innocent on their part.  I wasn't aware of this being one of my triggers until this happened.  I can piece my childhood story back together by watching my strong emotional reactions to things that happen in present day, I don't remember my childhood.  I went into freeze mode yesterday as I often do.  It seems to me like my Dad must have had CPTSD also but was mostly in fight mode.

 

One breath at a time Chipmunk.  :therethere:

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Whoopsie- I feel like I am just like your Dad was.  I am constantly thinking people are being mean to me when they make a mistake.  It feels so much like everyone is so mean, especially to me. It's like I am a victim all the time. 
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thank you dear Whoopsie x

 

your hug brought me to tears  :'(

 

'freeze' must be my mode too - body parts physically freezing up, joint by joint, limb by limb.

 

the benzos have targeted this weakness for 2.5 yrs.

 

even recent 37mg Valium did not 'relax' me at all -- just made me weaker + even more tension.

 

i believe weak, atrophied muscles / joints get especially tense, to try to stabilize your body. so i guess there's that too.

 

desperate to strengthen, but benzos rebound any attempt w/ more stiffness. 

 

back on odd dose of both K + V again... trying to counter the K tension / V weakness .... but cannot find a balance.

 

sorry to ramble... just meant to say thanks  :-[

 

 

 

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I have felt like everyone’s out to get me, or trick me, or swindle me. I think, “What do they want from me?” with almost every interaction with a stranger. That was cranked up when I was in inter dose w/d and compounded over the years.  That’s probably bc I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of a lot growing up and even into my adulthood.  It could just as easily be that others are being mean to me but I don’t feel like I’ve been threatened in that way compared to being taken advantage of. Lots of similarities here. I don’t like feeling this way all the time. Now that I’m off, I’m starting to feel more confident and not so threatened but it’s still there.
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I was reading this list of common symptoms and it does include distrust of others.  This gives me hope.  https://themighty.com/2019/03/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd/

 

Up-the-rabbit-hole-  Your description about the trauma always being present according to the brain is spot on.

 

Thank you green cup.  :)

 

Clearly something that I had thought of as falling on the acute side was still considered chronic in nature. I’ve been through one too many episodes that qualify for either acute or chronic.

 

 

 

 

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