Looking for Buddies - LT High dose Xanax direct taper 1/2 way there!

Hi guys

 

I hope everyone is doing well. My anxiety and insomnia had me bed-bound and useless for a while. I am doing a little better now so I feel like I can post. Hopefully, I will be able to post a little more frequently now.

 

I see that many of you are getting down in your doses. That's awesome. I am tolerating being down to .12mg day pretty well but I am treading lightly, just in case.

 

Happy Monday, everyone,

 

HM

HM,

Glad you’re feeling a bit better!! 👍🏼

By most accounts, you’ve done a pretty rapid taper so please don’t get down about not feeling well. You’ve come a very long way in only a few short months.

Here’s to a speedy finish!… you’re almost there! 🥳

L

Looking over the thread and it’s awesome that we have so many people that jumped and others who are so close!  Everyone has truly toughed this out which is so amazing!! Talk about a strong group of warriors! 👊🏼🙌🏼

Here’s to finishing for the rest of us, and healing for all! 🥰

Fondly,

Lori

Hi guys

 

I hope everyone is doing well. My anxiety and insomnia had me bed-bound and useless for a while. I am doing a little better now so I feel like I can post. Hopefully, I will be able to post a little more frequently now.

 

I see that many of you are getting down in your doses. That's awesome. I am tolerating being down to .12mg day pretty well but I am treading lightly, just in case.

 

Happy Monday, everyone,

 

HM

 

HM,

 

Glad you’re feeling a bit better!! 👍🏼

 

By most accounts, you’ve done a pretty rapid taper so please don’t get down about not feeling well. You’ve come a very long way in only a few short months.

 

Here’s to a speedy finish!… you’re almost there! 🥳

 

L

L,

I am being very careful as I know I have tapered very quickly. I went from 4mg a day to .12mg a day in 4 1/2 months. I'm not sure why I am tolerating it as well as i am. I do have anxiety every morning but I have had that my whole life. Wasn't it you who had the horrific anxiety that has gotten a lot better? I hope mine does too.

Thanks for the reply Have a great night.

HM

HM,

Yes, the anxiety fir the first 1.5 years of my taper was horrendous!!!! Every single morning was dreadful! Quite frankly, afternoons and late evening weren’t much better but waking was the worst!! I don’t have any of the morning anxiety at all anymore. I honestly thought it would never end and low and behold, it vanished. Almost all anxiety has. Thank God!

This process still leaves me befuddled as to how so many symptoms come and go. It’s so random!!

Hang in there!!

Fondly,

Lori

PS: Just to make the last leg of this taper even more challenging…. 🙄

Welcome, menopause! Ugh! For 3 solid months now I've had insane hot flashes every single night! 🥴

Heaven help me! Nothing like a big “You’re getting old” sign flashing like a neon light in my face every night! And worse, sleep is challenging enough while tapering, waking up sweating like crazy is such a joy! 🥴

Off to bed to sweat some more! Lol!

L,

I went through all the menopause stuff a couple years ago. I am 52 and had my last period at 49. For 8 years, prior to my last period, I had issues with peri-menopause! I am still very sensitive to temperatures but that is probably due to my thyroid condition (Hashimotos) more than it is to menopause.

I hope my anxiety goes away like yours did. Good luck with your hot flashes. I hope that period of your life is over soon so you can go back to feeling 'normal'.

Thanks for the reply,

HM

Thanks, HM!

Hot flashes were horrible last night.  I have the AC on 60 degrees and I still woke up sweating like crazy at least 2 times that I can remember.  Bizarre that for the most part it only happens at night.  I too have been recently diagnosed with "mild" Hashimoto's.  Mild meaning I'm not eligible for medication. 

I wish I had finished my taper several years ago before all this other stuff piled on.  Oh well.

I truly hope that your anxiety improves. Question:  How was your anxiety prior to the Xanax?  Were you ever diagnosed with GAD or Panic disorder?  I don't recall the reason you were prescribed Xanax.

L

I have had GAD and Panic disorder since I was a kid. I have had a very hard life of poverty and abuse. Before Xanax, I used Vistaril or self-prescribed with cold medicine or something that would make me sleepy. I didn't ever tell the Dr. I was anxious. I thought I was just a very nervous person due to a history of trauma. I still don't know how I am going to manage without Xanax but it doesn't work for me anymore, so it's not an option.

I'm really hoping at least 'some' of my anxiety is rebound anxiety from tapering and it will go away. Wish me luck!

HM

I have had GAD and Panic disorder since I was a kid. I have had a very hard life of poverty and abuse. Before Xanax, I used Vistaril or self-prescribed with cold medicine or something that would make me sleepy. I didn't ever tell the Dr. I was anxious. I thought I was just a very nervous person due to a history of trauma. I still don't know how I am going to manage without Xanax but it doesn't work for me anymore, so it's not an option.

I'm really hoping at least 'some' of my anxiety is rebound anxiety from tapering and it will go away. Wish me luck!

 

HM

HeartMost,

I'm so sorry to hear this.  Childhood trauma can been so difficult and pervasive and I'm genuinely sorry that you had to go through this.  I certainly don't want to overstep my bounds but have you gone to therapy over the years?  I know that "seeing someone" gets thrown around loosely in some circles, but I truly am a believer in cognitive behavior therapy.  I've worked with clients for years who have made outstanding progress in therapy and who saw a dramatic decrease in their depression and anxiety through therapy. Granted, some did this in conjunction with an SSRI but in situations without meds, they still saw significant gains in their overall mood and anxiety levels. 

Although I don't know your story (not that it is any of my business), I fully understand the impact that trauma in early childhood can have.  This is by no means a comparison story but I recognized many years ago that my own anxiety came from my family dynamic as a child and maybe my own experience will help?...

When I was 8 years old, my brother died.  When I was 9 1/2 years old, my sister died.  As if this wasn't traumatic enough, my parents, more specifically my mom went into hibernation mode due to severe depression.  I think it was 6 months after my brother died before we saw her much, and then another year after my sister died. It was confusing to me. I certainly didn't understand depression at age eight. All I knew is that I was mourning the loss of my brother, only to be left alone without my mother (Dad traveled a bunch for work)!  Now that I'm an adult, I understand why she "disappeared" but as a young child who was hurting, I just wanted my mom.  Additionally, the strain ultimately left my father unemployed and then things got worse! It was as if my brothers death was the beginning of a chain of events that took my otherwise, until that point, happy childhood and turned it on its ear!  I have vivid memories of going to the corner store with food stamps but not knowing what they were.  To me they just looked like coupons.    But I instinctively knew that everything was different and wrong because the laughter and lightness in my home had vanished... and it remained that way for several years. 

I came to realize later in life (probably my early 20's) that the root of my anxiety attacks (that would later morph into full blown panic attacks) were rooted in those childhood years.  My brother died of an aneurysm.  I had no idea what it was and since my mother pretty much disappeared, and nobody in my family even spoke of his death, I was left to my own devices to try to figure it out. At age eight I started reading Greys Anatomy.  For anyone that doesn't know, that's actually a book... and pretty much the "Bible" of physical diseases, diagnosis and treatment.  So there I was, a little too smart for my own good, reading about every disease known to mankind at such a tender age.  It's no wonder that my primary source on anxiety has ALWAYS been health anxiety!  I knew more information about disease symptoms than my poor young brain could handle but I internalized it all and became fearful of every single symptoms known to mankind!  I remember going to bed at night and my Dad would say that prayer to me and my sister, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake...."  Well, that did me in every single time!  Die before I wake?  That's what I thought about every single night!  I know it sounds silly now, but as a young child, it was REAL!  Every single night I thought I wasn't going to wake up in the morning... and to my very young brain, that thought was REAL!  I was fearful that I was going to die just like my brother did! Hence, I had a totally irrational fear of death from the start.  Fast forward 1.5 years, and and my sister dies!  And you can imagine how much worse it got.  However, I never breathed a word of this to my parents or to anyone.  By then my mom was even worse, my dad was out of work, there was no money, everyone looked sad all the time, and I didn't want to add to that. I just wanted everyone to be happy again!  And there we have the makings of an "Empath" - which many of us people pleasers are and ironically, also why many of us who are on an anti-anxiety medication are empaths (not all, but many).  Take a look at the overwhelming support on these boards... we're all trying to make each other feel better because we "get it" and we care!

To this day I still have some residual health anxiety but thankfully it's not all consuming like it used to be.  Through therapy I've found ways to cope with it much better.  And yes, that's exactly why I started Xanax 23 years ago.  What was probably nothing more than pretty nasty hormonal issues after the birth of my son, was a panic attack that caused me to obsess that something was wrong with me and that it would happen again and nobody would be there to help me or worse, my son!  All that "what if" thinking came into play... "What if I collapsed and my son wasn't tucked in his chair?  What if I dropped him because I was passing out?  What if he got hurt?  What it, what if, what if!  I told a doctor about it at a routine checkup and he said the following: "Nobody should have to live like that... take this." And the rest in history (Xanax-wise). 

About 10-12 years ago, I spent a good amount of time in therapy with a great doctor (it took a few years to find the right one), and we really delved into those "what if's".  He was relentless in a good way!  We turned those what if's inside out and upside down!  But it really was the best thing I've ever done for myself!  That psychologist played a major role in my decision to go back to school to obtain my masters degree in clinical and counseling psychology!  I wanted to help others the way he helped me!  Maybe someday I'll tell you all about my experiences running three hour group therapy sessions for 15 people suffering from schizophrenia.  But that's for another day or time.  LOL 

The reason I tell my story is to explain that trauma is trauma. And that most importantly, you are not alone!  Many on here have shared their stories and all are equally as valid. Trauma comes in all shapes, sizes, and degrees.  It has familial, environmental, chemical, biological, and socioeconomic foundations.  But no matter it's root, it's awful!  But it doesn't have to define us.  That's the key!  We can't erase it, change it or deny it... but we can find ways to better cope with it. 

I genuinely hope that my story helps you in some way.  Again, it's not meant to "compare notes" but rather to show support and understanding that trauma truly effects our wiring (especially if the trauma happened at a young age) but also that the wiring can be corrected so that we can be higher functioning people. 

I hope that if you haven't had therapy, that you consider seeking it out.  And if you have, and don't feel much better, that you give it another go with a different therapist.  I've certainly had my share of "what a waste of time therapists" and then I got lucky with one really great one! 

Hang in there, HM!   

Thinking of you with compassion, empathy and care!

Fondly,

Lori

PS:  For what it's worth.... my anxiety was so much worse while ON Xanax than it ever was prior to taking it!  And again, the lower I get in my dose, the better it is! 

Lori,

Wow! What a childhood you had! I'm sorry you had to endure all of that. You're a superhero to be where you are and have relatively low anxiety. Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I do have a therapist and I don't love him, lol, but he's OK. I have tried other therapists and, of all the ones I have tried, I only liked one and he went and started his own practice and doesn't take my insurance. He was very validating and calming. I really liked him.

My life has been rife with bullying and targeting due to the fact that I don't look the same as regular people. I stick out in a crowd and not in a good way. I have found that therapists often invalidate me or roll their eyes over, what they think is, my hypersensitivity. "David" was the one psychologist that I have met who actually cared and empathized and it was healing and nurturing. My current therapist, "Joshua", says things like "If that were me, I would have handled it differently." Where did this idiot go to school? I stay with him because I am tired of therapist hopping. His goal is to be right and to fix everything and overpower so I simply let him. The entire (virtual) session is just me playing his game so he can feel like a winner "Oh, wow..thanks. That's good input." It makes my life easier. It's almost like I am his therapist. In order to get my trazodone (which helps my depression and sleep), I have to see a therapist at the clinic and Joshua is my second. He also has his Master's in psychology but he isn't you! That's for sure. I value your input and your personal experience (as a patient and as a practitioner) with CBT, so I am not letting the idea go. I just need another therapist and I am on Medicare, so it's hard to find one. I won't give up, though! I will try to muster the strength to try out a new therapist.

Thanks, again, for sharing some of your trauma. It is very helpful to know I am not alone in my PTSD anxiety caused by trauma.

Have an amazing night.

HM

HM,

Geez... sounds like you have a real "winner" of a therapist (insert eyeroll)!  One of the very first things we learned in "Techniques of Counseling and Psychotherapy 1" is that there is no place for "I" (the therapist) in a counseling session!  We are taught to never project how "we" would handle anything onto the client!  That's a golden rule and it's not up for debate.  It's harmful for not only the client but the therapeutic relationship as a whole. The only way to address something like that with a client is to say, "Can you think of another response/action that may have provided a better outcome for you?"  I could go on and on but I'm pretty sure that you're not here for a lesson in psychotherapy techniques! LOL 

I have a good friend of mine who is a vascular surgeon and I was telling him about a horrible diagnosis that my mom received and I'll never forget his comment that stuck with me... "Anyone can graduate from med school with a C!"  Let that one sink in.    And yes, I also had some fellow classmates that weren't the sharpest tools in the shed but got through the program by the skin of their teeth and went on to practice so I get where you're coming from.  Maybe "Josh" needs to go back and take a few refresher courses!  UGH!

For several years I worked at an outpatient clinic so I'm very familiar with the fact that meds won't be prescribed unless you're seen regularly by a therapist - Hence, you are often stuck seeing whoever is on staff at the time and worse, it's often a revolving door. All this being said, who knows... in another month or so, maybe someone new will enter that may be a better fit.  However, I totally understand getting tired of bouncing around.  It's tedious to have to "tell your story" or get to know yet another therapist.  I just feel so badly that this has been your experience because the relationship with the therapist, the trust you have, comfort level, respect, and ability to relate or "click" with them is fundamentally the most important part of the process.  It's a shame that you're not getting much value out of your session with "Joshua" other than your medication.  It's such a disservice to you!  I truly hope that you're able to find another therapist who can offer you the help, respect and compassion that you rightfully deserve. 

I'm genuinely happy that my story helped a bit.  We all deserve to know that others can empathize and understand our pain!  As I said, trauma stinks! But sometimes it helps just to know that others can relate regardless of the stories behind the trauma.

I saw on another board that you made it to the gym.  Good for you!  My 30 minutes of exercise for the 30 days of August was a total bust!  LOL  Great idea met with horrible execution on my part!    I'll try it again sometime soon but I can't believe how much of a toll this long taper took on my body.  I'm so darn out of shape that it's scary!  Hopefully I'll give it another go in a few weeks.

Thank you as well for telling a little about your own story!  My heart really went out to you!  .... and still does! 

I'm hoping that your morning anxiety gets better very soon.  Have you tried any type deep breathing techniques as soon as you wake up?  I know it sounds cliché but they often work wonders! 

Thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way!

Fondly,

Lori

Hi Lori,

I do deep breathing all the time. It does help. I also meditate and that helps too. I am a pretty rough case but it sounds like you were too. For some unknown reason, I am not as anxious this morning as usual. Maybe it's because my sleep is slowly improving. I have an appointment with Joshua tomorrow. Oh, how I wish he were David. Oh well. You get whatcha get and you don't throw a fit, I suppose.

Have a super day!

HM

Hello all! I decided to start a new thread to replace the "It's me again, ...." and the "Dry Cutting Looking for Buddies" threads.  Last year we had a very supportive group on those threads but quite a few have since completed their taper - and I'm happy to report that they are doing very well! Translated: there's hope for the rest of us!  Unfortunately, some others seemed to have dropped off for various reasons. 

 

At the moment, I'm still doing cut and hold method.  Once I get to 1 mg, I may entertain DMLT but for now, I'm hanging in there with what I know. Crossing over to Valium is not an option for me. 

 

I am hoping that others who are going through a long term prescribed use of Xanax can chime in on this journey.  As you'll see in my signature, my highest dose was 6 mgs.  Currently, I'm on my first day of 1.5 and hoping for the best!  Fingers crossed! 

 

Hope to find some old buddies I've lost touch with as well as some new buddies to continue this journey! 

 

Fondly,

Lori

Hi there Lori,

You are and inspiration.  I'm coming off 2mg of X and it is kicking my ass, but I know this is part of the ride.  It totally sucks!  I go to bed at night and IF I sleep, I wake up the next day hoping it will be better than the last. X is wicked. Know I will be praying for you and that your journey will continue to be full of very good days.  I wish CT was not an issue with these drugs because I often fantasize about never taking another pill and just getting through hell, but then I remind myself I have been forced to have CT X when my prescriber screwed up my script.  He said I was imagining that I could have such serious reactions to going without the Xanax for three days.  It was terrible.  BTW, I have missed lots of family gatherings this year because of X issues, I will be missing another one this coming weekend.  It is very painful and the family doesn't know why I can't just pull it together and force myself to attend. That hurts, too.  They don't understand that this is a long process and that I'm not being lazy, rude or selfish.  They are very judgmental and take things to personally..like I would WANT to suffer with this!  God be with us all. 

Widesky,

My heart was so heavy reading your post because it's so familiar.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I missed over the past 3 years.  It's depressing for me to even revisit it. 

Although we can never get those moments back, please believe that there are so many special memories to be made in the future.  I have a friend who has gone through this (Klonopin taper) who reassured me that this is the case back when I was at my lowest point when my entire family went to visit my son in Europe as I laid on my sofa at home alone for 9 days - it was torture.  I don't think I had ever encountered depression like I did over the course of that week.  My friend is now a few years out from her taper and truly living life... her life is actually better than what it was prior to benzo's.  There are far more stories like hers than what we tend to see on this site because many don't come back to write about it after their taper ... they're too busy Living! 

I have at least 5 buddies (friends) that I made over my long journey on here as well as several friends in the benzo community outside of Benzo Buddies (who completed their taper) that I keep in touch with who are doing fantastic!  And I can't stress enough that most all of them were super sick during their taper!  Please hold on to faith that this WILL get better and we'll get through it!  So many others have come before us and did!  They are healed, socializing, celebrating holidays and birthdays, traveling, working, driving, and enjoying life!  We will too!   

Wishing you strength!

Fondly,

Lori