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Phoenix rising: long-term user, extreme insomniac, emerges from the ashes


[MT...]

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Mt:

 

I also did have pre-existing insomnia, anxiety (all from menopause) when I started my withdrawal. I believed my insomnia was aggravated by the menopause, and the first doc that I went to failed to recognize this and was quick to put a band aid on my symptoms by prescribing different drugs at different times that all made me worse.  I also feel liberated, that I am not dependent on any doc to be able to sleep anymore. In spite of this freedom, I am still in a roller coaster of good nights and bad ones...more likely it will be like for the rest of my days. I am not taking any hormone therapy; my gynecologist said I was too old to start with them (maybe I should find me another one). I know menopause  is contributing to a lot of my issues because before this I was able to sleep okay and be very functional.

 

You are clearly an inspiration to all of us  :smitten:

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Thank you for your kind words Solyluna. For many of us insomnia is going to be a long-term battle. But I think the thing we gained from wd is knowing how bad it could be...yet we survived. When I start to feel whiny about it, I think about the years of only sleeping at all every other night and months of 0-2 hour nights. It makes the ups and downs, broken sleep and shortened sleep of now seem like a sleepfest :laugh: It's all about perspective and finding gratitude. I still expect more brain and body healing though but most of the time I have some peace and acceptance that even if this is what life is like from here on, it will all be okay.
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How did I survive? I kept reminding myself that I didn’t have to make it through the next month, year, whatever, I only had to make it through this day, this hour. I tried to break everything up into tiny, manageable chunks. Even when, especially when, things were exceptionally bad, I practiced gratitude, striving, as if my life depended on it.

 

I’ve been reading a book, “How to be sick” that has strategies for coping with chronic illness. One of the tools is to cultivate joy in the joy of others. When I could drag my focus from my own sorry life and be happy for someone else who was able to sleep or who had the courage to leave the house or who went on vacation, I saw how it helped me feel better. Cultivating this, and gratitude takes practice and you start with not having the *emotion* at all. It’s just practice. But bit by bit, if you work at it, you’ll find yourself experiencing far more joy and gratitude than you thought imaginable.

 

MT

 

Congratulations !

 

Your attitude throughout withdrawal is an example for me.

 

To practice gratitude and compassion it's not something easy for many of us.

Especially under such nerve-wracking circumstances...

But like you said, it's working !

 

Because this is the true purpose of humanity.

 

Thanks for sharing 

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  • 1 month later...

Hey MTFan! I just belatedly found your Success Story post, right after I finally posted mine. (I'd been off this site for many months, procrastinating on writing my own story.) As I scanned through recent Success Stories, I was hoping to find yours, and there it was, from several months ago.

 

You helped me so much during my worst days. And I'm not at all surprised to see that you've done the same for so many others. You are truly an inspiration and deserve every bit of success you've fought so hard for. I'm so happy for you, my friend.

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Thanks for being there during the darkest time of my life, Shirah. I'm glad  you're doing as well as you are. Are you still working the same job and dating the former bf? How's the dancing? I like to think of you dancing away and leaving all the benzo mess behind you. Recovery is imperfect and often not 100% but it's so much better than what came before and what would have happened had we been unwilling to take the leap.
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MTfan! Great to hear!! It's remarkable how close our healing journey has been. I'm so happy to hear this for you. My life is back on track as well. In many ways I'm stronger for having gone through this and I wish the same for you and everyone here. And I also want to say thank you. You have a flair for the written word and there were posts of yours that said exactly what I needed to hear when I needed it most. So, thank you, and all the best going forward!
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Confused,

 

I'm thrilled to hear that your life has improved and I'm thankful you've found some of my posts helpful. We all need each other and BB has helped us survive while we walked through the flames. I hope your recover brings even more gifts to you in the future!

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MTFan - Good to hear from you...Yes, I'm still doing the same work, although steadily daydreaming of retirement, and still dancing on a regular basis (looking forward to the approaching outdoor dance season). But I broke up with the boyfriend last summer. He was exactly the right guy for me when I was a house-ridden hermit, and I'll always be grateful for our time together. But once I started feeling better and wanted to go out and do stuff with him, I found he was way too much of a homebody for me. So I'm on my own now, which is fine.
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Shirah, good for you knowing when to move on...so many don't. I understand the dreams of retirement. I hope the outdoor dancing season is a wonderful one!
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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh MTFan, what beautiful Success Story! Thank you for coming back to share it with us.

 

In spite of the horrors of what you were going through, you managed to keep the focus on the good you could bring to others, because yes, they can feel the good while we might not. If you can't help yourself, you can help others, bring joy or something positive into their lives, and that is empowering. Such great learnings from this horrible ordeal, you have been able to find the positives in your struggles, I can only imagine how a wonderful person you must have become at the end of it all - because you must have been pretty incredible to begin with if you were able to be so strong and altruistic!

 

I am trying to live this journey in a similar way. I was once at a dance class and was having no enjoyment whatsoever, because of my bad emotional numbness. But I complimented a girl on her dancing and she started beaming with a beautiful smile as she thanked me. It hadn't be anything much, it had cost me nothing, I was just being honest. And it made me realise I still had an impact in the world around me. Even if I can't do anything to heal myself, just survive. Withdrawal teaches you some pretty powerful things when you are willing to shift the focus from your suffering and listen...

 

I have just passed the 2-year mark after a polydrug cocktail I took for 13 years, so your story gives me huge hope. I am still dealing with akathisia and emotional numbness as my most difficult symptoms to cope through, but I won't give up and will keep fighting!

 

Thank you again so much, and have a wonderful Life!  :smitten:

 

Julz x

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Hi Julz, you sound like a kindred spirit. You're right, those small acts of kindness require little energy but the rewards are great in seeing someone else's load be lightened or to see them smile. There's a ton of research on how acts of kindness help with depression and other mental health issues as well.

 

I know it's frustrating to still have troublesome symptoms. You've come a long way already and with your attitude you've got much better times ahead. Your brain and body are performing the amazing, slow-moving miracle of recovery. I'm pulling for you!

 

MT

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Thank you SO MUCH, dear MTFan!  :smitten: Your support means so much to me. I know your words are sincere and heartfelt. THANK YOU.

 

Kindred spirit, that's exactly what came to mind when I read your beautiful account of Healing through light and altruism! I believe such an attitude towards life is what makes the reward at least tenfold. Use such a terrible experience as a springboard to bounce back as a much much much stronger, more connected and authentic person, and watch the most beautiful healing and recovery story unfold before your eyes. Physiologically we heal, but that is only part of the puzzle. We became a greater version of ourselves, one we would have probably never even think of striving for hadn't we been through this madness.

 

It's easier to despair, whine and bargain with the universe for a window...  ::)

 

But Healing happens, there is no way around that  :thumbsup:

 

Thank you again for sharing your light!  :smitten:

Warm Healing Hugs,

Julz x

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MTfan, Reading this was for me like looking in a mirror...thank you so much for sharing your long and weary journey. I'm so glad for you that you MADE IT and grateful to you for reminding me to take happiness from the lives of others especially now when it seems totally absent from mine. Your description of recovering from insomnia is so reassuring as I'm going through the exact same thing (sleep 2-4 hours with freq awakenings and nights when I don't seem to sleep at all). I tell myself that it'll go away and in time I'll heal but right now it's an intellectual exercise at best. Reading what you wrote sort of brings it home in a real way. Thanks and congratulations!!!
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Jensie, nice job coming off of all of those medications. I understand what a long, hard journey it is and being patient for progress is exceptionally difficult as well. It's easy to listen to what the fear-mind generates that it will never get better, it's too much, etc. It's completely natural for those thoughts to come up but we don't have to set the table for them, pull out the chair, and spoon feed them. That being said, I still catch myself doing that sometimes:-)

 

You're still relatively early so it's a good sign you're getting 2-4 hours of broken sleep. Recovery looks a bit different for those of us who have more extreme insomnia. All you can know for sure is your sleep will improve with time. You'll forever be grateful for whatever amount of sleep you get after this ordeal. I still start every morning off with gratitude for what sleep I had even if it was a short, or bad, night. I hope you turn a corner soon. Your strength will carry you as long as you need it to. :smitten: :smitten:

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  • 2 months later...

Thank you for your story. 

 

As I struggle in the deep fear that I will never recover, I need to know that someone else who was pollydrugged has made it.

 

I cling to stories like yours to keep me going. 

 

🙏

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Final healing,

 

Recovery is real. Even if it takes a long time or if there are some lingering issues, I can tell you adamantly, the fight is worth it. This is something I questioned repeatedly while in the thick of it so I just had to trust the ones who walked before me. I'm pulling for you.

 

MT

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Mtfan you were on a hell of a drug list. As a pharmacist, I want to tell you Im proud of you for getting off all that shit. I see those types of lists all the time and I can never get it to sink in that I think over half their problems are directly from it. Kudos to you, that must have been a hell of a ride.
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Thanks, ICAN. I had a few providers express concern over the years and their words stayed with me even if I wasn't ready to act. It's confusing as a patient. Every doctor is attached to the meds they prescribe, I was managing multiple health conditions and providers, and thought I needed all of that to have as normal of a life as possible. It's shocking how much better the quality of my life is off of them! It's not perfect. CFS still sucks and sleep isn't great but overall so much better. So keep sharing your concerns with patients, gently, so they know there is another way.
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MT,

It is amazing how you kept hopeful in a seemingly hopeless situation.  You stepped outside yourself to help others when you were drowning yourself. That is inspiring. How does one remain positive and hopeful when they don't experience progress/change?  When did your two year depression occur?  I fear that I will never experience joy again.  I am approaching 1 year depressed and this is the longest I have experienced this (previously 10 months was the longest).  This is coupled with anxiety.

 

I have not seen many people on here who have had a history of over a dozen meds and recovered.  Maybe only you and one pr two others. This scares me.  But I did recover before so that keeps me going.  I just don't know how many times the nervous system can bounce back. 

 

I am still not sleeping more than two hours.  I am using your experience to not get discouraged.  Was it 4 or 5 months before you consistently slept 2 or more hours? 

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Uncomfortably Numb,

 

What you're going through is absolutely dreadful and there aren't many of us who go to this extreme. Truthfully, I didn't, and don't,  stay positive.  My training has given me some advantages in that I have a lot of skills to draw from. I can't prevent/stop that voice in my head (some people call it a part, distorted/irrational though or the negative wolf from the Native American story) from yipping on, telling me how horrible, hopeless and unfair it all is, etc. It's going to have its running commentary. That's what minds do. But what I've learned is that I have to feed the other wolf. Consciously, by a certain force of will, create another storyline that is less devastating, less personal, less permanent, and less pervasive. So while that yipping is going on in my head, I also will say to myself: "this is very difficult but it will pass," shift to noticing what's happening with my senses (like what my sense of touch picks up, what I hear, smell, and so forth or just focus on one), and what there is to be grateful for.

 

Sometimes I get totally lost/engaged with that other side. It's like getting sucked into a black hole. At some point I catch it (minutes, hours, days later) and shift myself back to using some of my skills. Part of surviving all of this is learning to coexist with the painful thoughts, feelings and sensations while you interact with yourself with as much kindness, acceptance and compassion as you can. This gives you two soundtracks that run in your mind (or more) but you can choose which soundtrack you're going to listen to and believe.

 

Imagine a small child who is terrified of a thunderstorm. You can't make the thunderstorm stop but you can hold the child and remind him/her that you are there, it will pass, and ultimately it will be OK. You can talk to yourself in the same way. I do this all of the time. This morning I felt terrified about going to work. No good reason other than I was really tired, but that part of me still needed comforting.

 

I did find Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism helpful since I'm not a natural optimist. It's something I work on cultivating over and over and over.

 

A version of the wolf story: https://deanyeong.com/fight-two-wolves-inside/

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Final healing,

 

Recovery is real. Even if it takes a long time or if there are some lingering issues, I can tell you adamantly, the fight is worth it. This is something I questioned repeatedly while in the thick of it so I just had to trust the ones who walked before me. I'm pulling for you.

 

MT

 

Thank you so much for that reassurance. 

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Final healing,

 

Recovery is real. Even if it takes a long time or if there are some lingering issues, I can tell you adamantly, the fight is worth it. This is something I questioned repeatedly while in the thick of it so I just had to trust the ones who walked before me. I'm pulling for you.

 

MT

 

Thank you so much for that reassurance.

 

:thumbsup::smitten: :smitten:

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Just wanted to pop in the comments and thank you so much for sharing your story...all of it. To the poly-drugging, to the severe insomnia and to the daily reminders to keep chugging through it.

 

I also remember a pharmacist handing me my prescriptions and kindly saying "sweetheart, I don't know how you are walking and talking. These are enough drugs to put a horse in a coma."

 

I was so sick and sleeping much of the day.  It didn't occur to me that it was the drugs making me so sick! I was mentally numb and not putting it all together. But what she said stuck with me and served as a wake-up call. It took me years, as well, to taper and withdraw from 7 drugs. But I did it and couldn't be happier.

 

The sad thing is realizing all the lost years and lost opportunities from being under the influence. But I'm alive and recovering so there is hope for a redefined future.

 

Thankfully, the underlying condition of depression has not returned (which got me into this mess to begin with) but I am still suffering from cognitive issues which vary from day to day (those dementia type symptoms). I have trouble with concentration, comprehension, memory, some akathisia, some headaches, skin burning & flushing  and insomnia. I now sleep about four hours at night, which I suppose is not bad, but desperately need more.

 

I am praying for complete healing of my cognitive symptoms. Thankfully, they have improved some but I still have a long way to go.

 

Just want to commend you on a wonderful success story. It was so beautifully written and really touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes!

 

:smitten:

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Tatertot,

 

Our stories sure share a lot in common. I'm so thankful for those health care providers who choose to speak up and express concern even if it feels like they're being blown off. Those words stick somewhere. It just takes a lot of courage to decide to get off of drugs when you thought they were helping you.

 

Like you, I've been pleasantly surprised that the depression that really started the ball rolling, hasn't been a big issue. I was very depressed the first year or so of wd and I've had a couple of episodes but they were manageable, and mostly briefer than what I used to have. They also were far less frequent or severe than they were on meds for depression!

 

I worry about my cognitive capacity as well. I don't feel as smart as I was before coming off drugs but I often wonder how much of that is that I'm not medicating the anxiety about how well I'm thinking, I'm more self-conscious of any memory problems, and because I'm not taking a stimulant anymore. Some of it is clearly associated with the insomnia and fatigue. But I've learned to compensate for it. I write a lot down, use reminders on my phone, and plan ahead for everything possible. Like you, I'm hoping that the remaining symptoms improve with time and I can extend myself the grace and compassion for whatever difficulties I have or that arise. Being human involves limitations and ultimately we all have to adapt to them.

 

I hope you see many improvements and can embrace the many present moments along the way.

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I worry about my cognitive capacity as well. I don't feel as smart as I was before coming off drugs but I often wonder how much of that is that I'm not medicating the anxiety about how well I'm thinking, I'm more self-conscious of any memory problems, and because I'm not taking a stimulant anymore. Some of it is clearly associated with the insomnia and fatigue. But I've learned to compensate for it. I write a lot down, use reminders on my phone, and plan ahead for everything possible. Like you, I'm hoping that the remaining symptoms improve with time and I can extend myself the grace and compassion for whatever difficulties I have or that arise. Being human involves limitations and ultimately we all have to adapt to them.

 

I hope you see many improvements and can embrace the many present moments along the way.

 

Thanks, MTfan!

 

It did take a lot of bravery to get off all these drugs and I guess I need to remind myself of that more. We are all very brave individuals who chose to put our health and well-being first, as scary as the process has been.

 

I finally started logging every little detail/accomplishemnt of my day in a calendar because I couldn't remember anything. I got sick of asking my boyfriend "what did we do yesterday?"

 

I also play the brain training game, Lumosity, everyday and even after a year, the memory portion is still my absolute worst category. My second worst is math as I can barely remember elementary level math. I have used flash cards, but my memory will not hold the info.

 

This is very scary but I have noticed some improvement over time, so I have to maintain hope that more improvement will come.

 

I truly hope that you will keep us abreast of any improvements, especially in the cognitive department. I don't hear enough about cognitive/intellectual impairment and recovery in the community...hoping and praying that it exists!

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