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Phoenix rising: long-term user, extreme insomniac, emerges from the ashes


[MT...]

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I like the idea of using the mantra, "It might get better." Seems more realistic in the state of mind we are in.

 

Did you have lots of other intrusive thoughts too?

 

Agreed. When I was in the darkest times, saying "It will get better" or "I can do this" felt like a lie so it slid off my brain. "It might get better" and "Other's have improved despite dire circumstances" was something my mind could accept without calling BS. And seriously, that quote "I can't go on, I will go on" was a major mantra.

 

I had lots of intrusive, self-critical, negative, paranoid, etc. thoughts. It was like my usual battle but with the volume and frequency waaaay turned up. The upside is I had to become a bit of a Jedi master at working with these so that when they come up now I'm far more skilled at working with them. Going through wd is like an extreme version of special forces training. They put those folks through torture but then they're far more prepared for whatever comes up. I tried to frame all of this as my training to have a better life. When I wouldn't feel like exercising, for example, I'd tell myself that I was building/investing in a body that would be worth living in down the road. Maybe really far down the road but at least it was something to hang onto.

 

MT

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Wow what a great success story! I know how rough it is as I've been polydrugged and trying to get off all these meds.

 

You made it! Have a wonderful rest of your life.

 

Becky :smitten:

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OMG

I just ran into your story, MT.  Can you believe you are in this place?

 

You have helped so many on here during the worst of your recovery.  I'm in a wave right now so not thinking straight.  More later.

Love you!

WBB

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thank you MT <3 i hope better sleep comes to you soon :)

 

Thank you for your story! Can you speak more to the black depression that you had that started to lift around two years?

 

Did you basically feel fear about everything? Did random thoughts/triggers make you feel dark thoughts and take you to bad places mentally?

 

hey boom box boy, i'm going to chime in and say that i had black depression and fear about everything. anything became a trigger that took me to a bad place.

 

i'm two and a half years out and it started lifting recently. sometimes i am happy and smiling. hang in there it will dissapear and it will be like it never happened! :)

 

what helps me the most is going for walks , or jogs. just strolling through the park listening to music, skipping. keeping moving and like a little kid. :)

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what helps me the most is going for walks , or jogs. just strolling through the park listening to music, skipping. keeping moving and like a little kid. :)

 

It may seem odd, but from a neuroscience point of view (creating new neural connections, firing up mirror neurons) behaving like this is helpful for the black depression and anxiety. When things were exceptionally difficult I'd take time to play rowdy music, sing along, smile, and practice moving my body as if I felt well and happy. "Like a little kid" essentially. This has a positive effect on mood. And it helped me feel less victimized, less helpless, even if it felt a bit silly to be singing when inside I wanted to die. But honestly, when you're that depressed if you found out eating raw fish intestines could help lift your mood, wouldn't you do it?

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I've been waking up the past few mornings and walking my stairs. I haven't noticed much of an impact on depression yet, but it's only been two days. In fact, today, I feel much worse than I did yesterday. Woke up from a bad dream and have felt depression all morning thus far even with the walking. I'm basically alternating between depression, anxiety with intrusive thoughts, and anger for no reason. They are all bad in their own respects. I'm hoping exercise reverses all this, as I'm nearing a year off these horrible drugs, but at some point, I have to ask how much of my depression is from work too. It's really hard to decipher. Just the thought of going to work or the stress of work often makes me dry heave in the morning and it did for years prior to benzos too.
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Boombox,

 

I'm sorry to hear what a difficult time you're having. It does sound like your depression comes from wd and work. Mine is from multiple sources too. Have you tried therapy for it? Exercise doesn't necessarily kick in right away with depression. It seems to me like for some of us we have to get a "loading dose" of it and then we can maintain more balanced moods fairly well once we've been doing it a while. Now sometimes if I have a really rotten day if I can force myself to do some hard exercise I will feel better afterwards but that didn't happen at first.

 

MT

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Thanks for the response, MTfan. I am actually in therapy now. It's hard with my job because I signed a contract and now I have to try and get to the first week of June for the school year to be over. Today at work, it feels like I might collapse because of lightheadedness and the whole side of my head feels bad and numb. It might be time to acknowledge I need to do leave until the end of the year though. I am trying so hard to push through.

 

Where was your depression coming from? When did you start to notice improvements from exercise? I guess, when did you start noticing improvements at all?

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Thanks for the response, MTfan. I am actually in therapy now. It's hard with my job because I signed a contract and now I have to try and get to the first week of June for the school year to be over. Today at work, it feels like I might collapse because of lightheadedness and the whole side of my head feels bad and numb. It might be time to acknowledge I need to do leave until the end of the year though. I am trying so hard to push through.

 

Where was your depression coming from? When did you start to notice improvements from exercise? I guess, when did you start noticing improvements at all?

 

Hey boombox I was just wondering if you were to quit your job what could you do for money? Not to be nosey but Im curious as to what alternatives there are for teachers. Like with my experience in the medical feild I can do stuff like patient registerstion where I only have to talk to a people for a short period of time and keep it moving as to oppose to my position now where I have to do team work, talk to family members, talk to patients and do intrusive personal work on them.

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Boombox,

 

I'm sure June feels really far away. When I was in the thick of it I had to keep reminding myself I just had to make it through this one day. Thinking too far ahead always overwhelms me.

 

I had depression off and on from the time I was 12 with some trauma, and medical problems,  contributing to the mess. It probably took weeks before I saw improvement but it was early in wd. By the time I was a year I started feeling like maybe it was OK to live sometimes, then I'd have little breaks from depression and when it was present it wasn't as deep. By 18 months it was the exception rather than the rule. It still happens now but the least I've ever experienced since I was 12.

 

I know this battle is really hard and sometimes you just feel like giving up. This is scary, painful, and extremely frustrating. You're in that chrysalis feeling like you're dissolving while your butterfly is ever so gradually being created. You will fly one day but this dissolving, burning process feels really lousy. Hang onto that future that will come.

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Honestly, I have no idea what I would do for work if I weren't teaching. Right now, every day at work, I have a throbbing feeling in the side of my head, my vision goes bad, and I feel like I might fall over. I am worried I won't be able to finish the year. I still have eight weeks off for leave, but I'm pretty worried for my future, both leading up to the end of the year and beyond. The stress of being around students during this is getting to be too much and is why I was on benzos in the first place. Two years ago, I looked forward to Fridays and was excited it was the last day of the week. Now I dread every day.
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Dear MTfan:

 

I recently entered to BB again after a long hiatus, and I am elated that you have written your success story. I would like to apologize for not keeping in touch with you. So many things happened in life; ;I will PM to explain better (if you don't mind). You have been an inspiration to so many in the forum You were there for me when I was in the midst of my post withdrawal and I was in hell. You sustained me with your sound and loving advice. I miss you my friend! I can relate to your story in so many levels. I also experienced an insomnia that I thought it couldn't possibly exist. I am surviving, but you taught me not to give up. And, here I am back again, and I am so happy to hear for you. Wish you the best and continue healing! With God everything is possible! No fear, my friend!

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  • 3 weeks later...
I sleep for an hour every 2 to 5 days for 9 months since the pulled Ativan from me.. I was on I=t for 7 years ... they put me on when I was going thru throat cancer treatment... doctors switched and 9 months ago. I gone into insomnia like no-one can believe... I have one major problem...I am a single dad age 63 with a 8 year old daughter and 14 year old autistic son. very I high functioning ..I should say developmentally delayed....and I am by myself 24/7....I think I wrote a signature that shows up at the bottom what a physchiatrist I got 8 months ago has tried to do....I stand and move on ly because I have to care for children ... but feel I am going to die any day now anyway......so I focus hour by hour....but with no sleep am deteriorating fast
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Victor,

 

You're describing such a difficult, painful situation. How strong and brave you are to have made it this far! Of course you feel like you're going to die-that's how sleep deprivation makes us feel. You won't (die from this) but the feeling is strong. Hour by hour, day by day, you're moving toward a time when this will start improving. Look for the teeny tiniest signs of improvement. It's up and down and small at first but it will happen. You're not forever broken. Just recovering from a massive assault on your nervous system. You can do this-even when your brain is screaming at you that you can't. I felt like that all of the time-that I couldn't make it one more day and wanted to give up. I kept reminding myself that I didn't have to survive a year or even a month. Just this moment. I'm sending you kindness and strength.

 

MT

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Victor,

 

You're describing such a difficult, painful situation. How strong and brave you are to have made it this far! Of course you feel like you're going to die-that's how sleep deprivation makes us feel. You won't (die from this) but the feeling is strong. Hour by hour, day by day, you're moving toward a time when this will start improving. Look for the teeny tiniest signs of improvement. It's up and down and small at first but it will happen. You're not forever broken. Just recovering from a massive assault on your nervous system. You can do this-even when your brain is screaming at you that you can't. I felt like that all of the time-that I couldn't make it one more day and wanted to give up. I kept reminding myself that I didn't have to survive a year or even a month. Just this moment. I'm sending you kindness and strength.

 

MT

 

Dear MT,

 

I read your success story and this recent post is something I needed to desperately read right now.  I will be 6 months off on 4/15 and am struggling with the insomnia and anxiety that put me on the meds.  I believe I'm experiencing a combination of withdrawal and underlying condition.  However, last week I did experience 3 "better" days after having gotten some marginally better sleep.  Those days give me hope.  Sadly, I am under an extreme amount of stress due to marital issues from an unsupportive spouse (considering divorce).  I'm praying to God daily that he will heal me despite the stress in my life.  Do you believe it's possible when the odds seem stacked against you?  Thank you. 

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Hopefulinpa,

 

Yes, I absolutely believe that recovery can, and will, happen even with multiple complicating factors. It's an excellent sign that this early on you're having some days that are even a wee bit better. It took me much, much longer before I saw the slightest movement with sleep. I'm really sorry to hear about your marital troubles on top of this. I hope you seek out some support from other places in your life. What you're going through is really difficult but people have made it through benzo wd despite coming down with cancer, having spouses, children or parents dying, after losing jobs, etc. All of these are blows but ultimately you're doing something very positive for your body and mind by getting off the drugs.

 

Courage! (which simply means carrying on despite your fear)

 

MT

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Hopefulinpa,

 

Yes, I absolutely believe that recovery can, and will, happen even with multiple complicating factors. It's an excellent sign that this early on you're having some days that are even a wee bit better. It took me much, much longer before I saw the slightest movement with sleep. I'm really sorry to hear about your marital troubles on top of this. I hope you seek out some support from other places in your life. What you're going through is really difficult but people have made it through benzo wd despite coming down with cancer, having spouses, children or parents dying, after losing jobs, etc. All of these are blows but ultimately you're doing something very positive for your body and mind by getting off the drugs.

 

Courage! (which simply means carrying on despite your fear)

 

MT

 

MT,

 

Thank you for the encouragement.  I try to keep telling myself that I am healing even though it might not feel like it.  I am taking some supplements to sleep (.8mg of melatonin, tart cherry, l-theanine, magnesium and lactium).  Some nights it helps and others not so much.  I can’t nap, which upsets me, but I’d rather sleep through the night than nap.  I believe that ability will come back someday when CNS calms down.  Oh, how I will relish that!!  I read that it takes 2 years for a brain to regenerate all it’s cells and 3 years for a body to achieve homeostasis.  Trying to brace myself that this is going to take a lot of time and patience to recover.

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Thank you for posting this, I had a very bad night and was about to give up. I was on BB back when I started this journey a year ago. I am completely off clonazepam after 18 years for RLS. I’m in the 6 th month of recovery. Last dose was October 23, 2018. It’s been a journey...I am only sleeping 1-2 hrs at night. I still have hot flashes several times a day, I have this nasty throat clearing issue, tinnitus. I just read that this is my body recovering. I was so grateful to hear that. I am patiently waiting to get better and so grateful to be on this side of it. At month 2 had severe palpitations. Ended up in ER. I had a normal cardiac workup. My palpitations were called benign pvc’s. They have gone away thank God. It was suggested to take 400 mg magnesium and try Benadryl for sleep?? Looking forward...any other suggestions?
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Thank you for posting this, I had a very bad night and was about to give up. I was on BB back when I started this journey a year ago. I am completely off clonazepam after 18 years for RLS. I’m in the 6 th month of recovery. Last dose was October 23, 2018. It’s been a journey...I am only sleeping 1-2 hrs at night. I still have hot flashes several times a day, I have this nasty throat clearing issue, tinnitus. I just read that this is my body recovering. I was so grateful to hear that. I am patiently waiting to get better and so grateful to be on this side of it. At month 2 had severe palpitations. Ended up in ER. I had a normal cardiac workup. My palpitations were called benign pvc’s. They have gone away thank God. It was suggested to take 400 mg magnesium and try Benadryl for sleep?? Looking forward...any other suggestions?

 

I remember how absolutely miserable it was, and is, to live with so little sleep. It makes your body and mind freak out. Are you menopausal? Something that made a difference for me was starting on bioidentical progesterone at night. It added about 2 hours of sleep per night in general for me. I know some people think it's a bad idea but for me it was worth it. Exercise won't force sleep but it will make it a bit easier to fall asleep and can lengthen sleep. Not every time, but as a trend. Yes, I know how hard it is to exercise when you're exhausted but believe me, it's possible.

 

Other suggestions are having a night time winding down ritual. When I was at my worst and was only sleeping 0-2 hours per night, this was my schedule:

 

-TV while wearing blue light filtering glasses until 10 pm.

-webbing around on fun sites like Imgur.com (I have blue light filtering on computer and phone) but nothing stimulating from 10-11.

-Hot bath at 11 (so body temp would drop 2 hours later and promote sleep as well as relax me).

-Reading for 1-2 hours.

-Some meditation/relaxation practice (from youtube or apps or on my own).

-Imagination practices that I learned from some insomnia book (reviewing the plot of a book or TV show in as much detail as possible, imagining traveling somewhere in great detail, trying to remember every detail of the walks I take, etc.)

-Then I'd go back and forth between reading, relaxation exercises, and imagination until I'd get up for the day sometime between 5 and 6 (earlier if I was super agitated).

 

I think it's a terrible idea to lie in bed while very restless and desperately try to fall asleep. You'll do far better if you're wide awake doing something else, distracting yourself and waiting for your brain to slow down. What I found is that my mind wasn't particularly busy at night, it just needed something to do other than think about how badly I needed to sleep. That's why I relied so heavily on relaxation practices and imagination. I still use them to ease my way in and avoid the toxic, "I'VE GOTTA SLEEP" scream in my head. :smitten: :smitten:

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MtFan....THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK AND FOR YOUR WONDERFUL SUCCESS STORY. I have not been on BB for a while.....but glad I decided to pop in today.  YOU MADE MY DAY.   

 

I too,  feel like giving up all of the time.  My sleep is such a rollercoaster....but from what everyone describes....it sounds like me....one night on one night off....and it still does not feel like real sleep....BUT.....I think I am a little better than I was .....I do try Melatonin and L-Theanine some nights....don't know if they work.

 

I am post-menopausal....so I am sure that doesn't help sleep .....Have a Dr. Appt. to check my hormones.....I too, will probably go on Bio-Identical hormones . 

 

MtFan....do you get a little sleepy now and can you take naps?  Will that return somewhat?

 

THANK YOU.    ONE DAY AT A TIME.

 

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Hi Runnergirl.

 

I understand the sleep rollercoaster. That every other night pattern is so common. I still have a tendency after a longer night to have a shorter night next. But yes, I get some of that drowsy feeling. I have to woo it a bit, cultivate it, but enough comes. Sometimes I go through runs of great drowsiness and at inconvenient times and then it recedes some. If I'm very active (for me) I will often need to lie down for an hour in the afternoon. It's not usually sleeping but some stage 1 sleep may happen. Whatever it is, I feel better afterwards usually.

 

Please remember, I had pre-existing insomnia, CFS and menopause so I'm going to have some struggles with sleep no matter what independent of wd. Regardless, I feel so blessed to not be taking a load of drugs, or be dependent on some doctor, to be able to sleep. I can clearly say life is better off the drugs but it took me a while to get here. It's liberating! You'll get there :smitten: :smitten:

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