Every Morning I want to die! Hours later I am so hopefull!

Guys I am so angry! After 14'5 months my mornings are so toxic. I am waking up another person. I am so dark whole world is gray I thinking this hell will never end just I want to die. Hours later I am better and I am hopefull I am smiling sometimes I see hope that I will get better. Next day is the same this 14'5 months off. When I will make corner damn? I am feeling that my last dose was before month not 14'5. I am feeling that nothing got changed. I am so hopeless. Why this dont want stop. How much time ia necessary.

Nothing got changed the cycle is the same everyday almost 15months off. I think this is permanent already.

I feel like you Lexsant every morning is hellish! I know that I will have a long day with all kind of crazy symptoms. And I can feel really suicidal even though I am afraid of dying or death. It is these intrusive racing ocd thoughts that tell me these benzo lies. I have like a peak of symptoms around 1-2 pm and later around 5 pm. These will be less after 9-10 pm. I try to stay positive but it is easier said than done. Hell is a place on earth just add some benzo. I wonder Lexsant,  are you able to go to supermarkets? Or drive a car? Walk outside?