just about 6 months

I'm so tired of this. I can't get my mind off of my experience and I wish my progress would be faster. I don't feel like I can post here much bc my symptoms are not as acute or relateable to what others post. I have had severe morning dread and intrusive thoughts for about 3 weeks now. On Friday, it'll be 6 months off for me.  When I wake up I'm in a semi sleep state and feel horrible. I feel s and like I have no reason to go on. I know if I get up it will go away but I can't force myself to do it. I want more rest and sleep.  When I do finally get up, I return to normal and these feelings mostly go away. I neglect self care when I'm in these slumps. What is this? It is not normal and it's a result of some damaged area of my brain for sure. It's worse when I eat poorly or too much the day or night before. I can't help myself sometimes though and I can't cut myself a break about it. It brings such doom and despair I feel I will never make it out of this and wonder why not end it. I'm angry, sad, lonely, defiant, afraid, helpless, hopeless, erratic, trapped, regretful.

Seltzerer - I'm really sorry that you're in a dark place.  I'm sure you'll get past this.  We have several things in common.  I fast tapered from 0.5 mg Clonopin 4.5 months ago as well as Sertraline.  I too am going through the most brutal wave.  Especially, anxiety and obsessive thoughts are so bad that I just wish if things could just end right now.  But let's just hope that we'll come on on the other side pretty soon.

Seltzerer - I'm really sorry that you're in a dark place.  I'm sure you'll get past this.  We have several things in common.  I fast tapered from 0.5 mg Clonopin 4.5 months ago as well as Sertraline.  I too am going through the most brutal wave.  Especially, anxiety and obsessive thoughts are so bad that I just wish if things could just end right now.  But let's just hope that we'll come on on the other side pretty soon.

 

Thank you for responding, REqcrg me. These waves do suck and I'm sorry you're stuck in one too. Congrats on kicking both the K and sertraline. Are you glad you're free? Even in the midst of this, for me at least, I'm thankful I'm not trapped by the medication anymore.

 

I don't mean to scare anyone who might be reading who's in a tough place. I have seen great progress. The healing is not linear though and there are rough spots along the way. I just had to get it out after 3 weeks of denying it was happening to me.

 

Again, I appreciate your reply, REqcrg me, and I wish us both windows very soon.

its just awful man, all this, the morning toxic death feeling, ughhhhh, we were talking about it on another thread.

i felt poisoned everyday, literally poisoned.

 

all the intrusive thoughts and mind patterns, its like being possessed by the demon of depression, obsession and worrying. its literally crazy what goes on the mind,

sorry youre feeling like this

 

for all my whining on this forum, i dont even share a fraction of what ive felt and thought, it would be too dark.

its been really bad, BUT last couple months finally starting to see some light through the clouds. hope it persists, kinda in a wave again this week.

whew.

exhausting. (not as bad as it used to be though)

 

hang in there, i know it can get really morbid and depressing, obsessive thoughts, dark thoughts and moods, and we have to hold fast and hang on through it basically. when youre on your own, away from this board, you wonder, holy crap, is anyone actually feeling this bad? or thinking these things? it seems so strong and like noone else could be there. its one helluva lonely battle, even after sharing, some of this is just indescribable, all the little waves and weird things you can feel.

 

6 months, that was in the middle of probably my toughest time in this whole ordeal - hang in there man

Seltzerer, my heart goes out to you – I could have written this myself when I was at the stage you are in now. As I read this, it’s as though it all happened to me yesterday, the trauma is still so fresh 

 

Everything you are experiencing — everything — is an artifact of benzo recovery.

 

While it’s true that the effects are caused by a type of damage, they really are temporary. It takes such a long time for the brain to repair itself after benzos, but gradually things really do go back to normal.

 

There’s no need to beat yourself up about the way you feel, because it’s just part of the whole nasty deal. Please keep hanging on to hope, because one day you’re going to wake up without that toxic empty feeling, and new days will begin to seem worthwhile again.

 

I'm so tired of this. I can't get my mind off of my experience and I wish my progress would be faster. I don't feel like I can post here much bc my symptoms are not as acute or relateable to what others post. I have had severe morning dread and intrusive thoughts for about 3 weeks now. On Friday, it'll be 6 months off for me.  When I wake up I'm in a semi sleep state and feel horrible. I feel s and like I have no reason to go on. I know if I get up it will go away but I can't force myself to do it. I want more rest and sleep.  When I do finally get up, I return to normal and these feelings mostly go away. I neglect self care when I'm in these slumps. What is this? It is not normal and it's a result of some damaged area of my brain for sure. It's worse when I eat poorly or too much the day or night before. I can't help myself sometimes though and I can't cut myself a break about it. It brings such doom and despair I feel I will never make it out of this and wonder why not end it. I'm angry, sad, lonely, defiant, afraid, helpless, hopeless, erratic, trapped, regretful.

its just awful man, all this, the morning toxic death feeling, ughhhhh, we were talking about it on another thread.

i felt poisoned everyday, literally poisoned.

 

all the intrusive thoughts and mind patterns, its like being possessed by the demon of depression, obsession and worrying. its literally crazy what goes on the mind,

sorry youre feeling like this

 

for all my whining on this forum, i dont even share a fraction of what ive felt and thought, it would be too dark.

its been really bad, BUT last couple months finally starting to see some light through the clouds. hope it persists, kinda in a wave again this week.

whew.

exhausting. (not as bad as it used to be though)

 

hang in there, i know it can get really morbid and depressing, obsessive thoughts, dark thoughts and moods, and we have to hold fast and hang on through it basically. when youre on your own, away from this board, you wonder, holy crap, is anyone actually feeling this bad? or thinking these things? it seems so strong and like noone else could be there. its one helluva lonely battle, even after sharing, some of this is just indescribable, all the little waves and weird things you can feel.

 

6 months, that was in the middle of probably my toughest time in this whole ordeal - hang in there man

 

Hey Luke, thanks for posting, man. Yes, it's absolutely awful. Such a tear down of my soul and hopefulness in the progress that I've made and it's crazy that it's just so acute in the mornings before I fully wake. What is that? It's very specifically f**ed up.  I can't fully express it here and don't share the full magnitude either. Not sure I could. I'm glad you're making progress and have been seeing improvement. I think that's the traction to hold on too and use for more. Appreciate hearing from you since you've made it through the 6 month time point. I do see your posts elsewhere occasionally and am reminded of my experiences when I read them. I like hearing from you.  Hope continued progress for us both. All the best, Luke.

Seltzerer, my heart goes out to you – I could have written this myself when I was at the stage you are in now. As I read this, it’s as though it all happened to me yesterday, the trauma is still so fresh 

 

Everything you are experiencing — everything — is an artifact of benzo recovery.

 

While it’s true that the effects are caused by a type of damage, they really are temporary. It takes such a long time for the brain to repair itself after benzos, but gradually things really do go back to normal.

 

There’s no need to beat yourself up about the way you feel, because it’s just part of the whole nasty deal. Please keep hanging on to hope, because one day you’re going to wake up without that toxic empty feeling, and new days will begin to seem worthwhile again.

 

I'm so tired of this. I can't get my mind off of my experience and I wish my progress would be faster. I don't feel like I can post here much bc my symptoms are not as acute or relateable to what others post. I have had severe morning dread and intrusive thoughts for about 3 weeks now. On Friday, it'll be 6 months off for me.  When I wake up I'm in a semi sleep state and feel horrible. I feel s and like I have no reason to go on. I know if I get up it will go away but I can't force myself to do it. I want more rest and sleep.  When I do finally get up, I return to normal and these feelings mostly go away. I neglect self care when I'm in these slumps. What is this? It is not normal and it's a result of some damaged area of my brain for sure. It's worse when I eat poorly or too much the day or night before. I can't help myself sometimes though and I can't cut myself a break about it. It brings such doom and despair I feel I will never make it out of this and wonder why not end it. I'm angry, sad, lonely, defiant, afraid, helpless, hopeless, erratic, trapped, regretful.

 

Thank you, Leslie Ash. I'm happy to get this post from you because of your perspective and experience.  It's really hard to believe that it's benzo recovery after some great progress and then I think that those close to me must think it's absurd and why wouldn't they? I would too tbh. I stopped sharing with them to protect my recovery though. Anyway, I appreciate it Leslie and as I've gone through this I've learned it is actually the benzos bc largely what I've gone through has been experienced by others and they've made recoveries. As for beating myself up, I try not to but it's part of that fight in me so I will always wrestle with it I suppose. I haven't lost that hope and know it will carry me through. Just wish it wouldn't be so brutal sometimes and this far out too. Thanks for posting.

Hey man feel free to PM me anytime. sometimes im slow to respond but ill ALWAYS respond.

you wont freak me out either, if you wana vent about the gory details of what you feel like - like i said, ive felt so many things i dsont even share here cause im afraid itd come out just too dark and morbid....

 

now, while i tend to vent a bit and get a bit poopy on the forums,  there HAS been some alleviation of a lot of bad things. it IS getting considerably better. theres hope for ya man.

 

the morning thing is oh boy a real thing, many say because of elevated cortisol levels, but theres no doubt ive felt super acutely awful the first half of my days. i was BAD through the meat of this experience, it wasnt even like benzo withdrawal, i sincerely felt poisoned, it was like some chemical had been introduced into my system, its the worst ive ever felt in my life by a wide margin, those toxic mornings ugh....

 

just go as easy as you can through your worst and forgive yourself, you just have to survive.

 

I'm right there with you. I'm 11 months out c/t from benzos and 10 months c/t alcohol. The mornings are the most difficult for me as well.

The last 3 months I have made good progress and I'm grateful for that. However, I'm currently in a bad wave for the last week or so and it's

testing my perserverance. Can't sleep, brain fog, dark thoughts and other typical sxs. I just keep reminding myself that these waves are proof that we're healing. This too shall pass.

Hey man feel free to PM me anytime. sometimes im slow to respond but ill ALWAYS respond.

you wont freak me out either, if you wana vent about the gory details of what you feel like - like i said, ive felt so many things i dsont even share here cause im afraid itd come out just too dark and morbid....

 

now, while i tend to vent a bit and get a bit poopy on the forums,  there HAS been some alleviation of a lot of bad things. it IS getting considerably better. theres hope for ya man.

 

the morning thing is oh boy a real thing, many say because of elevated cortisol levels, but theres no doubt ive felt super acutely awful the first half of my days. i was BAD through the meat of this experience, it wasnt even like benzo withdrawal, i sincerely felt poisoned, it was like some chemical had been introduced into my system, its the worst ive ever felt in my life by a wide margin, those toxic mornings ugh....

 

just go as easy as you can through your worst and forgive yourself, you just have to survive.

 

Thank you, Luke.  I will when I need to share it.  It's been somewhat fleeting for me and when I get up and get going, it goes away but I'm left with a dissatisfied feeling most of the day and energy is sapped.  If I don't already have some inertia built up, I tend skip my usual routine in favor of rest.  Part of this came about bc I exercised all 7 days last week and made myself relax on Sunday and when I did that, my body has wanted more than I had planned and I'm still resting today.  I was running a lot last week and then wham when I try to rest for a day!  Pushing myself with the exercise probably contributed to it continuing for as long as it has because it hasn't always been with me since I jumped.

 

I haven't fully thought about cortisol and how it factors in and if there's anything I can do about it but I should look into that.  Poison is a good way of describing it.  Hope it has largely passed for you in your recovery.

I'm right there with you. I'm 11 months out c/t from benzos and 10 months c/t alcohol. The mornings are the most difficult for me as well.

The last 3 months I have made good progress and I'm grateful for that. However, I'm currently in a bad wave for the last week or so and it's

testing my perserverance. Can't sleep, brain fog, dark thoughts and other typical sxs. I just keep reminding myself that these waves are proof that we're healing. This too shall pass.

 

Hey Apollo986.  It's good to hear from you and learn a little about what you've been through.  Thanks for posting here.  I kicked alcohol too and took a year off to get through all of this also.  I work a little part time now.  Exercise has helped me tremendously too as I see you've mentioned before.  Good to hear of your progress the last three months.  I hope my path will continue that way.  I've already made a lot of progress despite these difficult periods. I'm hopeful that I can keep making it and possibly turn yet another corner throughout this crazy journey.  You've come a long way it sounds like.  I hope this current bad wave lifts for you soon.  Indeed, this too shall pass.

Seltz, I think you know how much I have suffered so let me  reiterate how important to let your body and brain HEAL from this without adding stressors like working out or eating poorly. I am 90 percent healed and in NO way has it been linear. But listen to yourself admit that there are things you are doing that could be making withdrawals worse.  Be gentle with yourself ... instead of running hard- get up in the morning and walk. Be mindful of healing. I accelerated my healing after being hit HARD in month 4 with a dreadful 2 month wave. I had been too quick to resume working out and eating gluten ... big, huge mistake. If you can do this .. accept you are not operating at your normal speed and let time and good nutrition heal you for the next 2-3 months.  It will be worth it! No judgement- just acceptance.

Seltz, I think you know how much I have suffered so let me  reiterate how important to let your body and brain HEAL from this without adding stressors like working out or eating poorly. I am 90 percent healed and in NO way has it been linear. But listen to yourself admit that there are things you are doing that could be making withdrawals worse.  Be gentle with yourself ... instead of running hard- get up in the morning and walk. Be mindful of healing. I accelerated my healing after being hit HARD in month 4 with a dreadful 2 month wave. I had been too quick to resume working out and eating gluten ... big, huge mistake. If you can do this .. accept you are not operating at your normal speed and let time and good nutrition heal you for the next 2-3 months.  It will be worth it! No judgement- just acceptance.

 

Leslie,

 

You are off the mark here.

 

The exercise is important, VERY important, to me.  I started from a walk down to the end of the street about 1.5 years ago and was barely able to do that.  Running was a huge part of my life before the meds.  I have lost 80lbs since then and am up to 2-3 miles a day running plus incline walking and weights.  I couldn't run until recently because the weight was too much for my knees.  I can now.  I had a lot of arthritic symptoms in my knees for a long time.  Almost all have gone away.  I have put countless hours and effort into my fitness and I will continue to push myself to increase my level.  It does not set me back in recovery as is typically thought of here and has helped me in ways I cannot articulate.

 

Wrt to not eating well, I'm working on it.  I have difficult food cravings and I binge.  It's lessened but it's gotten a lot better. However, I am not without binge episodes still.  I lived and ate terribly for many years.  I hated myself for a long time and that's how I treated myself.  I stuffed myself and drank and took xanax to cope with the pain, confusion, fear - all of it.  I practice acceptance everyday for what I've done and what I can and cannot do.  The behaviors will not stop or change overnight.

 

Not everyone's path to recovery will be the same as yours and the things that help you in a particular way may not help others in the same ways or to the same degree.  Please be mindful of others experiences when you share suggestions and do not be too quick to judge their efforts and the work they put into their own recovery.

Vigorous heart thumping cardio exercise only helped me dramatically when I was able to do it again.  I know what caused my current setback and it wasn't exercise or my morning cup of coffee.  I was handling high levels of stress quite well also.  Cruelty and trauma set me back again, details of which are not helpful for me to share here.

The exercise is important, VERY important, to me.  I started from a walk down to the end of the street about 1.5 years ago and was barely able to do that.  Running was a huge part of my life before the meds.  I have lost 80lbs since then and am up to 2-3 miles a day running plus incline walking and weights.  I couldn't run until recently because the weight was too much for my knees.  I can now.  I had a lot of arthritic symptoms in my knees for a long time.  Almost all have gone away.  I have put countless hours and effort into my fitness and I will continue to push myself to increase my level.  It does not set me back in recovery as is typically thought of here and has helped me in ways I cannot articulate.

We are all different. For me it was the same, almost 6 years back. Exercise was the only thing that kept me sane, and I walked as much as 9 miles some days, though mostly night. In my blog I bitched and moaned every time some weird symptom stopped my movement, and I'm about to run around 3/4 of a mile right now, which I will repeat a second time. Exercise is one of the most important things in my life, and it makes anxiety and stress melt away. I'm addicted to it, and I think it's a positive addiction.

 

So keep it up!!!

 

Gaer

This is a strange forum... when we share what we have learned the hard way- people like Seltz take offense. But I do know we are all or have suffered tremendously so some are too scarred and scared to recognize how they have contributed to this.  I will let it go by saying how lucky I was to have so many buddies supporting and sharing their experience so I could learn from it.. even if I had to experience it myself 😓

 

Glad you know exactly what you are doing Seltz...  keep pounding away!

This is a strange forum... when we share what we have learned the hard way- people like Seltz take offense. But I do know we are all or have suffered tremendously so some are too scarred and scared to recognize how they have contributed to this.  I will let it go by saying how lucky I was to have so many buddies supporting and sharing their experience so I could learn from it.. even if I had to experience it myself 😓

 

Glad you know exactly what you are doing Seltz...  keep pounding away!

 

People generally don’t take offense unless the ‘sharing’ is more along the lines of, ‘do it my way.’ That may be the message to take away from this. 

 

Also, phrases such as ‘people like Seltz’ come across as fairly judgmental. Please avoid making this type of abrasive statement – your own wording has a lot to do with how folks may react.

Seltz, just want to congratulate you on your healing to date. The non linear of this just stinks. Excercise has been huge for me, too. A big part of my life diminished then gone for many years during the hardest part of my taper and only now slowly re-emerging.

 

Keep moving!

 

This is a strange forum... when we share what we have learned the hard way- people like Seltz take offense. But I do know we are all or have suffered tremendously so some are too scarred and scared to recognize how they have contributed to this.  I will let it go by saying how lucky I was to have so many buddies supporting and sharing their experience so I could learn from it.. even if I had to experience it myself 😓

 

Glad you know exactly what you are doing Seltz...  keep pounding away!

 

I do not take offense to anyone sharing.  I do take offense at the way you present it and your self-centered presumptions about me.  You do it again in the bolded statements.  You're wrong about the impact exercise has had on me.  And to imply that I'm too scarred or scared to recognize how my own actions have contributed is again, both wrong and offensive.  Not everyone's experience and solutions will be the same as yours.

I agree exercise is good for recovery and it's probably the best thing I've done throughout. It's a well known fact that exercise is good for the brain so to say not to do it in recovery is counter productive in my opinion. I think people that don't push themselves to get out and live life will likely suffer for longer .. I don't think I'd have made as much progress as I have without pushing myself to carry on with life and exercise regularly. Too easy to hide away but then the drugs win? No way!

Thanks all!  Exercise has truly been remarkable for my recovery.

 

Rx, for me it has been protective a certain amount to some of that but those things like trauma and shame in particular can be overpowering and create big setbacks still.  I think in the long-term, it helps build more resiliency.

 

gaer, it's becoming a positive addiction for me too.  I was walking so much because the impact from running was so hard on my knees but I'm so happy I've gotten my weight down enough to run again.  It's great it helps you so much too.  Truly incredibly how it works for us.

 

Thanks Ss24.  I'm glad to hear of the re-emergence of life for you however slow it may be.  It is such a long and difficult journey.  You too, keep moving!

 

Benzofree100, I agree it's helpful to push yourself into more activity to get through this.  Even if it's just getting up and walking around your home to start with.  Thanks for your reply.

 

This 6 month mark is a big deal for me, emotionally too more than I initially realized I think.  I hope I can continue to make progress and that these damn toxic mornings go away!

I'm so tired of this. I can't get my mind off of my experience and I wish my progress would be faster. I don't feel like I can post here much bc my symptoms are not as acute or relateable to what others post. I have had severe morning dread and intrusive thoughts for about 3 weeks now. On Friday, it'll be 6 months off for me.  When I wake up I'm in a semi sleep state and feel horrible. I feel s and like I have no reason to go on. I know if I get up it will go away but I can't force myself to do it. I want more rest and sleep.  When I do finally get up, I return to normal and these feelings mostly go away. I neglect self care when I'm in these slumps. What is this? It is not normal and it's a result of some damaged area of my brain for sure. It's worse when I eat poorly or too much the day or night before. I can't help myself sometimes though and I can't cut myself a break about it. It brings such doom and despair I feel I will never make it out of this and wonder why not end it. I'm angry, sad, lonely, defiant, afraid, helpless, hopeless, erratic, trapped, regretful.

 

I think it’s a really good sign that those feelings go away.

I'm so tired of this. I can't get my mind off of my experience and I wish my progress would be faster. I don't feel like I can post here much bc my symptoms are not as acute or relateable to what others post. I have had severe morning dread and intrusive thoughts for about 3 weeks now. On Friday, it'll be 6 months off for me.  When I wake up I'm in a semi sleep state and feel horrible. I feel s and like I have no reason to go on. I know if I get up it will go away but I can't force myself to do it. I want more rest and sleep.  When I do finally get up, I return to normal and these feelings mostly go away. I neglect self care when I'm in these slumps. What is this? It is not normal and it's a result of some damaged area of my brain for sure. It's worse when I eat poorly or too much the day or night before. I can't help myself sometimes though and I can't cut myself a break about it. It brings such doom and despair I feel I will never make it out of this and wonder why not end it. I'm angry, sad, lonely, defiant, afraid, helpless, hopeless, erratic, trapped, regretful.

 

I think it’s a really good sign that those feelings go away.

 

Thanks, Hoping4help.  I'm encouraged by that and I hope that's what's happening.  Best.